Dating Success Tips

Do you want a life partner or a soul mate?

2011-12-02T13:24:00.003-05:00

I heard a very interesting podcast lately about the difference between a life partner and a soul mate. According to David Steele (relationship coach, author of the book Conscious Dating, and founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute)and his 3rd wife and soul mate Darlene, a life partner is someone who is limited in his/her ability to meet your emotional needs. You get along fine, but you feel as if something is missing. This person may love you and have some things in common with you, but he/she doesn't really "get" you.

A soul mate, on the other hand, is so tuned into you that he/she really DOES get you. A soul mate is someone with whom you have a deep emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical connection...a person you feel truly safe with and accepted by. With your soul mate, you feel that nothing is missing: you have 100% of what you desire in a partner and can be totally authentic with that person all the time. Plus, there is such a synergy between you that you bring out the very best in each other.

I love this quote from David on the topic of finding a mate with whom you have a soulful connection: "Be willing to drive people away by being authentically yourself." In other words, never pretend to be anything you're not in order to impress someone you're dating; instead, be prepared to see the people who aren't really meant for you fall by the wayside. He says that the process needed to find a true soul mate involves "screening out" everyone who isn't perfect for you. Don't settle, he says. Figure out what's most likely to cause you to settle for 2nd best...and stop doing that.

Sounds easy, right? But, in my experience and that of my clients, I've discovered there are a million reasons why we DO settle...especially if we're older, divorced, and thinking that "all the good ones are taken." I often hear people say "I'm not getting any younger. Maybe my chances of finding someone really in synch with me are slim, so I guess I'll be OK with someone who's 'good enough'." I too have thought like this. Nobody's perfect, so it follows that there's no "perfect" partner. In fact, I've often told clients that, after age 50 or so, most potential partners have so much "baggage" accumulated from the past that we're fortunate if we can get 80% of what we want in a partner, and the other 20% we'll have to compromise on.

It seems like a practical, realistic approach--one that makes it possible to have more dating prospects by giving everyone a chance. However, after hearing David and Darlene tell it, I'm beginning to change my mind. He said that, after 2 marriages and a 5-year live-in relationship that didn't work out, he decided "I'd rather be single than settle." So he took some time to regroup, work on himself, and develop his "Manifesto for a successful relationship" -- a list of 7 things he absolutely would NOT compromise on. He got VERY clear on what he passionately desired in a partner and went on a quest to find her. And, within 4 months of writing that list, he met Darlene. It's a beautiful story, and you can hear it here (Using Conscious Dating to Find Your Soul Mate):
http://consciousdating.com/finding-new-strategies/soul-mate

How about you? Do you believe there is a soul mate out there for you? Are you willing to keep looking until you find that person? And are you also willing to stay single rather than settle if you don't happen to find him or her? That's the mind-set that David had to get comfortable with before he started searching. And I believe it's that determination that finally resulted in his finding the woman he describes as "the female version of me."

Why people over 55 are better at dating online

2011-11-23T13:49:00.005-05:00

Did you know that people over 55 are the #1 age group visiting American online dating sites? And singles 45-54 are the #2 group? Maybe that's because, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 37% of people 50 and older are unmarried...and the divorce rate among people that age is high.

It also turns out that singles over 50 may also be better at finding love through Internet dating sites than their younger counterparts. There are 2 reasons for this:
1) Singles 18-34 are moving away from online dating and using social networking sites like Facebook instead.
2) While 20- and 30-something singles are focused on marriage and starting a family, older singles (especially those who've been married before) take a more relaxed approach to dating and are careful to choose people who share their interests.

According to Gian Gonzaga, senior director of R&D for eHarmony labs, baby boomers are better equipped than younger singles to find a perfect match. That's because they have a deep comprehension about what's important in a relationship. One older couple who met in their 60s (interviewed for an article on this topic in The New York Times), thinks this is because the more things you can do and enjoy together, the better able you'll be to hang in there during tough times.

So, which dating sites are the best for over-50 singles to try? Well, the president of Spark Networks (which owns SilverSingles, JDate, Spark.com, BlackSingles, and ChristianMingle) says that Spark sites had a 93% increase in new members 50 and older across all its sites in the first 8 months of 2011, compared with the same time period in 2010. So there are a lot of baby boomers on those sites. It's also worth considering sites like SeniorPeopleMeet, LavaLifePrime, and SeniorFriendFinder.

I hear stories all the time about seniors trying online dating for the first time at the urging of their 40-something kids, many of whom know folks who've met their spouses online. It's definitely a good idea for one other big reason: it's convenient. When you're older and your eyesight isn't as good, driving at night to attend singles events isn't as easy to do. And there are far less events for the over-55 group anyways. So the Internet is the perfect solution.

If you don't know where to begin in choosing sites and writing a profile, I can help. That's my specialty. I've assisted hundreds of seniors in getting set up with online dating, and they now have thousands (even millions) of people to choose from on a variety of sites--all from the comfort of home. If the statistics quoted above are correct, your chances of success finding love online are even better than those of young people. So what are you waiting for?

Do politics and online dating mix?

2011-09-28T10:49:00.005-04:00

How willing are you to mention your political leanings when dating online? Well, if you're like most of the online daters interviewed for a recent University of Miami study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior, you're not very willing at all. In fact, in that study, only 14% of online daters even indicated their politics in their profiles. And, of those who did, 57% listed themselves as "middle of the road".

Even more interesting to me is this fact: that 14% is less than the 17% who admit to being heavyset, stocky, or carrying "a few extra pounds". Hmmmm... Why would more people be willing to actually say they're overweight than to define their political beliefs? Aren't most single people afraid they'll be negatively judged (and maybe even rejected) more because of their body type than anything else? I certainly hear that a lot from my dating coaching clients, especially the women.

Another dating coach who weighed in on this thinks that, because those interviewed for the study were using a free dating site, they'd be less likely to post their political preferences because they're often just dabbling in dating, not yet interested in a serious relationship, and thus not as apt to fill out the entire questionnaire for their profile. And I'm sure that's part of it.

But, why is it that only 43% of those who DID list their politics (a mere 7.3% of the total people surveyed) actually defined themselves as liberal or conservative? The same coach thinks it's because it could limit a person's dating pool if they define themselves too specifically. She's got a point there. If you say you're at a certain end of the political spectrum, you might only attract those at the same end, and you'd never have a chance with those in the middle or at the other end. So, if you're conservative, only other conservatives would contact you. But, is that a bad thing? Wouldn't you be more compatible with a like-minded person? And isn't it better to know up front the types of beliefs a prospect holds rather than to be sadly surprised on date 2 or 3? Isn't it a waste of your time and energy to be meeting a bunch of people who ultimately don't have that much in common with you and instead to zero in on those who do?

This, of course, all depends on how important you think a person's politics are in terms of compatibility. There are certainly people on both ends of the spectrum who wouldn't feel at all comfortable hanging out with their polar political opposite--for fear they'd argue about things in the early months of dating and maybe even disagree about values, lifestyles, ways to raise children, etc. in the later stages. Certainly, for young daters looking for a spouse, this makes sense. It's easier to envision a long-term partnership or marriage with a person who shares your world view than with someone who doesn't. Why set yourself up for fights and failure?

A separate study at another university supports this assertion. It found that political attitudes were the strongest shared trait among spouses--even higher than good looks or personality. In other words, when people are looking for marriage partners, they're drawn to those with the same political attitudes...which suggests that couples most likely to commit long term actually share the same political views at the start of the relationship as opposed to growing closer politically over the course of time. Knowing that, then, wouldn't it be smart for those seeking an LTR or marriage who have specific political beliefs to indicate that in their profiles in order to attract someone they're more likely to click with...and to "weed out" those they're more likely to argue with?

What do you think? Are similar politics important to you? Do you feel uncomfortable with someone with dissimilar political or world views? If you're a liberal, would you be unlikely to reply to or write to someone who checked the "conservative" box on his or her profile? How about the "middle of the road" box? Also... have you ever had a relationship where political disagreement was one of the major reasons for breaking up? I did myself in the first 2 years I was dating after divorce, but he didn't reveal his views for almost 9 months...I guess for fear that it'd drive me away (which it did). Obviously, in that case, his pretending to be OK with the views I'd been voicing since Day 1 backfired in the end...and what he feared actually came true anyways. I'd love to hear your take on this. Drop me a line!

Postscript: One other interesting finding from the University of Miami study: older online daters and those with higher education levels were more willing to express a definitive political preference (perhaps, in my opinion, because they're more comfortable with who they are and thus less concerned about others judging them and also because life has taught them that it's easier to get along with like-minded people and that it takes too much energy to deal with those with conflicting viewpoints). Certainly, when I got married the 2nd time at age 51, I expressed my political preference and wrote only to like-minded men. If you're an older dater, I'd love to hear your take on this.

Why don't men attend singles events?

2011-09-02T10:50:00.002-04:00

In my 8+ years in the post-divorce dating world and my 6 years as a dating coach after my 2nd marriage, I've either attended or hosted hundreds of singles events. And I've noticed something undeniable: at least 70% of the attendees are women. Why is this?

Well, from surveying men about why they didn't sign up to attend the various events I hosted in the past, I found out there were 4 main reasons:
1) It was too far away from home & they didn't feel like driving
2) They didn't want to have to get dressed up
3) Their fear about being one of a minority of guys in a roomful of women deterred them
4) If there wasn't an "activity" as the focus of the event, they felt awkward just mingling with strangers

It's unfortunate that these things keep men from taking advantage of a great opportunity to meet dozens of high-quality women. But I guess I can understand some of the hesitance on the guys' part. It takes a lot of confidence and someone pretty outgoing to feel comfortable meeting strangers for the first time. And men have had to put up with rejection from women for years in the dating world, and they'd rather not set themselves up for more of it.

One type of singles event I found got a pretty good turnout from men was a potluck dinner party held at my home. It was casual and informal and easier to talk to people in a home atmosphere. They could always chat about the food item they brought or the array of edibles other people brought as they lingered around the serving table. And they could chat with me during awkward moments and ask me about a certain woman who caught their eye and even get an assist with an introduction to her if they wanted.

What do you think, guys? Is a potluck dinner type of event something you'd be more likely to attend rather than a dance, outing to a music venue, or singles outdoor or sporting event? What kinds of venues and activities do you like best? I and all the single ladies who continue to try new events in hopes there will be some guys there would LOVE to know! Drop me a note and share your thoughts. Thanks!

Texting vs. Calling in the Pre-Dating Stage

2011-07-27T11:09:00.003-04:00

In my role as a dating coach, I've been getting a lot of feedback recently from single women in their 40s and 50s about my newsletter article "Whatever Happened to Old-Fashioned Courtship" -- especially regarding the fact that more men these days seem to use text messages rather than phone calls to correspond with women they've "met" online...before they've actually meet in person.

It's not that the women are against texting per se. Their complaint is that the guys seem to just want to text for days or weeks without asking for a phone number so they can set up an in-person meeting for coffee and conversation (and to find out if they have chemistry). Naturally, the women get the feeling the men aren't interested in meeting them at all. And, sadly, that turns out to be true in most of the cases I'm hearing about.

What's the reason for this? Are the guys truly NOT interested? Are they for some reason hesitant to talk on the phone or to meet? Or is this just the new way of doing things in the 21st century dating world? Well, I did some research and heard various explanations from both male and female dating coaches and also from single men themselves. Here are some of the points they made:
1) Texting is a very casual type of communication, and a lot of men get into the habit of texting because it's easier (requires less effort) than having a phone conversation. It's an easy way to flirt without taking it any further.
2) Many guys (especially shy ones) prefer texting because it allows them to think about the wording of what they want to say vs. having to think on the fly in a live conversation. (Of course, the same can be said for e-mailing.)
3) Men think that women will be more likely to respond to a text and it's easier to get a fast reply any time of the day or night because most women have their cell phones with them all day, including at work.

At first look, all of these seem to be logical reasons for texting rather than calling. And they seem perfectly OK to do with someone you know well or have been dating for a while. The problem for the women I've talked to is that they think it's inappropriate in the early days or weeks of getting to know someone (before you're actually dating) because:
1) It's too informal for asking a woman out on a first or second date. Most women say they prefer a phone call, so they know the man actually wants to hear their voice, have a conversation, and get to know them better. Using a cell phone screen and 140 characters per message doesn't allow for that. They say they can tell SO much more about the person through voice tone and inflection, conversation and listening style, etc. during a phone call.
2) It gives an implied sense of intimacy that isn't there yet. When a woman answers every text a man (who's still a stranger) sends her, he gets the message "You seem to be OK with letting me follow you around all day with short, inconsequential messages via cell phone, even though you haven't even met me." And so he continues to do that without taking it to the next level and initiating a phone call, meeting, or date.
3) It gives the man less of a reason to need to take a woman out on a date. By his way of thinking: Why would he need to go out with you when you talk to him all the time anyway?

What do think, ladies...is this accurate? And guys: what's your take on this issue? Do you text a lot more than you talk with new women you've contacted via online dating sites? If so, why? If you really want to get to know a woman, are you more likely to have an urge to talk with her on the phone or in person rather than via text messages? How do you ask a woman out nowadays? I'd enjoy hearing any and all comments. Thanks!
P.S. I love this quote from one female dating coach: "Conversations are for dates, not for cell phone screens." Just think of all the body language you're missing when you're texting rather than talking in person (since communication experts tell us that at least 70% of what we say is nonverbal)!

What we look for in a spouse

2011-06-09T14:40:00.005-04:00

How have men and women's requirements for a spouse changed over the last 70 years? Well, a 2010 study of this recently came to my attention, and its results are fascinating AND helpful for those seeking a mate.

The study of 3 generations of college-age singles was conducted by Dr. Christine B. Whelan at the University of Pittsburgh and Christie Boxer at the University of Iowa. Here are some highlights:
o Men rank a woman's intelligence #4 out of 10 top qualities they look for in a potential wife, above looks (#8). Women rank intelligence at #5.
o Both men and women highly value maturity and dependability, ranking it #3 on the list of desirable traits.
o Both sexes list sociability as #6 on their lists (showing that we all want a partner who'll actively participate in our social lives).
o Men seek women who are accomplished, interesting, supportive, and loving.
o Women seek men who are good partners, meaning they aspire to have a home and family and an egalitarian relationship with shared responsibilities.
o While men rank "a pleasing disposition" as #5 on their list, women rank it #7, indicating that women are more willing to deal with a spouse whose personality can be challenging at times (maybe they really DO love "bad boys"?)
o Both men and women agree that the most important reason to marry is for love.

I find this all very intriguing...certainly helpful information to pass onto singles in the dating world. So...how would YOU rank these traits on YOUR list for a potential mate? Here are some of the traits the study participants ranked:
- Desire to have a home & raise children
- True love
- Emotional maturity/dependability
- Sociability
- Good looks/strong attraction
- Good health
- Good financial provider
- Ambition/industriousness
- Pleasing disposition
- Intelligence

If you're looking for love the 2nd time around, I'd love to hear how the traits you desire in a mate have changed in 20 or 30 years.

Another interesting point made in the article I read about this study: Though both men and women say they desire deep, passionate love, they're not sure how to make love last over the long term. The article's authors who teach a "Marriage Prep 101" workshop, say "We teach people that love is not just a feeling; it's also an action. Staying in love requires both partners to be intentional and proactive within their relationship."

This is definitely what I've experienced in my marriage. Occasionally, those passionate loving feelings are not as strong, and at those times I need to CHOOSE to love my husband. I need to DO things that will keep our connection strong and our feelings alive (such as "Mystery Dates", a focus on our commonalities, special words, loving cards, a backrub, or time carved out just for him). We need to take actions that make the other person feel loved, appreciated, and treasured each day. And we need to be totally present with each other...not just "two ships passing in the night" in the midst of our busy lives.

Most of all, we need to choose each other first, make special times together a priority, and not take our relationship for granted. Yes, it's a conscious effort every single day. But, because our marriage is the central, anchoring relationship in our lives, we think it's worth it. :-)

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 11

2011-04-26T08:28:00.002-04:00

This is the last in a series of posts I started on this topic on April 15. To see them all in order, click on "April" in the right column. Enjoy! (And I'd love to hear your feedback...thanks!)

AS A DAUGHTER…
My dad (from heaven): I’ll finish with the most heart-felt and life-changing lesson of all...the one I learned from my Dad after he’d already passed away. I was Dad’s first-born child and the “apple of his eye” according to my Mom. As she tells it, he would come home from work every day excited to see me and loved to play with me when I was a baby. Soon, though, within the next 6 years, four more babies were born, and Dad had other obligations and distractions. And, because he worked the 4 pm to midnight shift, I didn’t get to see him much. He was busy with one of five things every weekday and weekend: working, sleeping, taking Mom to the grocery, doing yard work or home improvements, or pursuing hobbies with his buddies. We only went on one family vacation I can remember.

During my grammar school and high school years, Dad was supportive enough and interested in seeing my report cards, but I don’t remember him praising me about my accomplishments or telling me that he loved me. Then, when it was time for me to apply to college, he was ambivalent. He had never attended college himself, and he didn’t have the money for higher education for all five kids, so he thought it best if just the two boys went to college. “The girls are just gonna get married anyways,” he said. There was no need to send my two sisters and me.

I was very upset when Mom told me this. I pleaded with her to help Dad see that I had worked hard to qualify for college and had career aspirations that made college necessary. Finally, to her credit, she convinced him to let me go...but only if I could get a scholarship. I did get a scholarship, earned a B.A., and got a good job. But none of this ever seemed to be all that impressive to Dad (probably because, growing up, there was no emphasis on college in his family). I know he was at my high school graduation, but I don’t remember him sounding particularly proud. And he died 3 months before my college graduation. So I have no idea how he would have reacted to that...or my completion of graduate school 2 years after that and starting my own business at age 30.

So, imagine my surprise when, many years later during a meeting with a clairvoyant and medium whose book I was editing, I was told that my dad (dead for over 20 years at that point) was standing near me waiting to give me a “message.” It seems he knew this female medium could relay communications from him to me, and he wanted to pass something along. I’ll never forget what she said: “Your father wants you to know how proud he is that you’re going to write that book.” At that time, the book I eventually wrote was just an aspiration in the back of my head, a dream on the back burner. “And he says he’s sorry he wasn’t really there for you when you were going through school. He loves you and is very proud of you.”

Wow…I was in shock! These positive validations from a father who’d been only minimally involved in my life for 21 years before he died and who had never really affirmed his pride in me before…this was amazing! Plus, he “knew” I was planning to write a book...absolutely remarkable! These words of pride and encouragement were EXACTLY what I had been longing to hear from my father all my life. I immediately broke down into tears of happiness about this gift of an unexpected miracle. For the entire 30-minute car ride home, I couldn’t stop sobbing. I felt my father’s caring and affection on a very deep level, and I felt more fully alive, loved, and cherished than I had in all my 42 years.

This expression of love from the first and most important man in my life came at a low point in my post-divorce dating life and my self-esteem, when I was working very hard to connect with men in a way I never had with my Dad. I desperately wanted a deep connection with a man that helped me value and love myself just the way I was.

So, Dad’s timing was perfect...and the lesson he taught me was this: You are loved even if the other person doesn’t say it in words and even if it takes many years to be felt. Even more wonderful: love has no boundaries. It can come to you from “the other side,” and it can come when you least expect it but need it most.

From that moment on, the “father wound” that had, for years, sabotaged my relationships with men, was healed. After that day, I felt worthy of love and truly lovable. And that has profoundly changed—-for the better—-every relationship I’ve had with men to this day.

I am deeply grateful to all 12 of these men for the transformational lessons they brought me. And I invite you to think about the many teachers and mentors in your life and what their insights have meant to you.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 10

2011-04-25T08:53:00.001-04:00

This is the 10th in a series of posts started on April 15. Feel free to scroll down to see the other 9 parts.

AS A MOTHER….
My son Ross: My oldest child, Ross, who was born in early 1986, is now a 25-year-old man… on his own, sharing a place with his girlfriend in L.A., working in the film industry as a production assistant and script reader, and even finding time to make music with his band and to make movies with some film friends from grad school. He’s doing what he loves, managing his money well, and saving for his future dreams. I couldn’t be prouder of him, and we get along great.

But there were moments during his teenage years when I had to get on his case about remembering to pay back money he owed me, organize his bedroom, stick to the curfews I gave him, and be more responsible about cleaning up messes from parties he didn’t have permission to throw with friends who drank too much. More than once, Ross reacted to my rules and supervision by saying “Mom, I wish you’d just trust me.” I found it hard to do that, because I tended to focus on the times he didn’t follow through on a promise he made to me or the occasions when he was immature and forgetful.

After a while, though, as he got into his later college years, matured, and became responsible for paying rent and cleaning his own apartment, I noticed that he was getting a lot better about all the things I’d been trying to teach him all those years. And I realized that I could back off and honor Ross’s request to trust him to make the right decisions, based on the guidance his dad and I had given him. He taught me a very important lesson: trust your kids to do the right thing, and they will.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 9

2011-04-23T08:21:00.001-04:00

This is the 9th in a series of posts started on April 15. Feel free to scroll down to read the other 8.

IN MY SECOND MARRIAGE…
My current husband Jim: After 8+ years of post-divorce dating, I began using a new tool to connect with potential partners—Internet dating sites. I spent about a year online and met dozens of men within an hour of my house before I wrote to a very nice person who lived just 20 minutes away. Jim had two children near my kids’ ages, a shared passion for outdoor activities, a happy and stable life, and a great sense of humor. He was also fit, active, slender, and attractive. By the time we had that first meeting for a walk at the park, I’d stopped having any expectations about each “prospect” potentially being “the one.” I just knew he had most of the qualities I sought in a partner, was funny and interesting in his e-mails to me, and sounded easygoing and nice on the phone. So I approached our meeting with a laid-back, whatever-happens-happens attitude. And, because I had no particular expectations, I didn’t set myself up for disappointment. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable I felt with Jim right from the start and how smoothly things flowed every time we got together. Within 7 months, we were engaged, and we married almost a year to the day we met.

Ironically, the new “It is what it is” approach I took at our very first meeting would be the #1 lesson I’d learn from Jim in our dating life…and that I continue to learn in our married life. He never judged me during the year we dated, even though I was different from him in many ways and must have taken some getting used to. He has never criticized me in the 6+ years I’ve known him, even though I’ve criticized him at times. His philosophy is: “Everybody’s unique. I have no idea how their background affected their opinions, so who am I to judge?” Luckily, that attitude is beginning to rub off on me—something I’m very happy about, because I’ve been struggling to be less judgmental for many years. Living with Jim, I’m learning to be more accepting and tolerant—of others and of myself. And that certainly is a more peaceful, stress-free way to live life.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 8

2011-04-22T08:40:00.002-04:00

This is the 8th in a series of posts on this topic, started on April 15. You can scroll down to see the first 7 parts. This is about the 4th of 4 men I dated after my divorce who taught me valuable lessons...

4. Matt: My next teacher in the post-divorce dating world was a man named Matt—a fellow Libra who was a couple years younger and similar to me in his health-mindedness and extroversion. He also shared several of my interests and had a great sense of humor. We got along fine for a while, but after a few weeks, I noticed that he wasn’t usually willing to drive the 40 minutes to my house—or even meet me halfway—for our dates. He often expected me to shuffle my hectic schedule with my two kids and drive to his house at his convenience. The clincher came when he got terribly drunk at a formal affair he took me to and expected me to drive him home and take care of him after he got sick in the bathtub of his apartment.

Finally, after feeling taken advantage of for 5 weeks, I said “You don’t respect me at all!” to which he replied “That’s because you don’t respect yourself.” At first, I was angry and hurt. How dare he!

But, after calming down and thinking about it, I realized he was right. I didn’t respect myself if I constantly let him take advantage of me and if I kept kowtowing to please him rather than standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries related to my schedule and my children. Though what Matt said felt like a slap in the face at the time, in hindsight I saw it as the wake-up call I needed to help me finally, once and for all, change my behavior so I could ask for and get what I wanted and deserved in a relationship. This is a lesson that ultimately helped me fortify my self-respect and self-esteem in a big way...and made future relationships and life in general much easier and more fulfilling.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 7

2011-04-21T09:11:00.002-04:00

This is the 7th post in a series I began on April 15. Feel free to scroll down to see the other 6 parts. This is about the 3rd of 4 men who taught me important lessons during my post-divorce dating years...

3. Rich: A few weeks after the breakup with John, I was exploring various ways to become more centered, self-aware, and at peace with myself. So I was thinking seriously about learning to meditate. And, at a singles event I had organized, I ran into a man named Rich who I knew was a facilitator for men’s personal growth groups and a meditator himself. We chatted a bit about his meditation practice, and I emailed him a couple days later to ask if we could get together for coffee so I could pick his brain about it. Part of me was also attracted to him and thinking that perhaps he’d be someone I’d like to date, but I wasn’t sure I was healed from the breakup with John.

Nonetheless, after that first meeting went well, one thing led to another, and I found myself dating Rich. He was a few years older than me, intelligent and well read, interesting to talk to, high energy like me, and into some of the same hobbies, including travel, hiking, and eating healthy. So we had enough in common to make the first few months of dating fun. But soon it became obvious to me that we were very different in terms of sense of humor, personality, temperament, outlook on life, and desire to socialize outside the house. And not long after that, I noticed the fatal flaw in our relationship: we were both controlling individuals who didn’t like being told what to do, and we both had some unrevealed, deep-seated anger and shame that needed to be released before either of us was ready for a healthy partnership.

Because Rich was an experienced facilitator who’d helped many men uncover and release pent-up anger, I believe my psyche attracted me to him so I could do the inner work I still needed to do to get over the pain of breaking up with John and to come to terms with negative feelings toward men from my past. With his help, both intentionally and then as a result of the many arguments we had, he made it possible for me to detoxify my heart and soul by exposing and eliminating years of self-hate, shame, guilt, and rage. It was cleansing and life-changing, but it was also the death knell for the relationship. Again, I’d set up a teacher-student dynamic that killed the joy and passion. However, I learned an invaluable lesson: Buried anger and shame will sabotage any relationship and must be released.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 6

2011-04-20T09:03:00.003-04:00

This is the 6th post in a series I began on April 15. Feel free to scroll down to see the other 5 parts. This is about the 2nd of 4 men who taught me important lessons during my post-divorce dating years...

2. John: For nearly a year between 2001 and 2002, I dated another older man—his name was John. He lived an hour away and had a very demanding job that made it nearly impossible for him to schedule dates with me during the week or more than once on the weekend. And, since I was in a “needy” place emotionally and wanted more togetherness, I volunteered to drive to his place on the weekends when my kids were at their dad’s house…and soon wound up staying most of the weekend.
This worked out fine at first since he was willing to carve out time for me in the first 6 months of the relationship. But soon he was working more and/or tied up with other people or obligations, and I found myself bending over backwards to grab time with him, often at the expense of my own life (meaning I put my own friends and my two businesses, caretaking for my house, and my own personal interests on the back burner). However, because we were both committed to mutual personal and spiritual growth and had many helpful in-depth phone conversations on such topics, I learned a lot about how to co-create a “healing partnership” that benefits both people and so felt OK about the dynamic in the relationship during most of the time we were together. In fact, because of the richness of that experience with John, I now highly recommend that my clients sometimes seek such a healing partnership to help them prepare for healthier dating down the road.

Unfortunately, John didn’t feel as OK about the dynamic in our relationship as I did. When he saw me sacrificing my own life and sense of identity for him, he said “You don’t need to earn love…you ARE love.” From a spiritual perspective, he was telling me that we’re all born with the “divine light” of love as our essence. But, from a practical perspective, he was telling me that it’s not a healthy relationship if one of the people is doing more giving than the other and trying to “earn” his love by catering to him rather than growing to be his equal. And he didn’t enjoy and felt very uncomfortable being in a relationship like that.

So, at the end of our 11 months together, here’s what became clear to me: a partnership where one person feels inferior to the other or looks up to the other as a teacher is an unequal partnership. And inequality kills joy and passion. John, in the teacher role, looked at me more like a student or a child than a self-actualized woman who could be his true partner emotionally and psychologically. He told me he loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. He loved my spirit and could make love to me physically, but he couldn’t connect with me on a deeper level or envision committing to me long term. That really hurt, and the pain I felt after he broke up with me was deep. But the truth I learned was invaluable: I can’t gain someone else’s love and respect until I love and respect myself…a lesson that helped me avoid such heartache in my future dating experiences.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 5

2011-04-19T08:28:00.002-04:00

This is the 5th part of a series I started on April 15. Please feel free to scroll down to see the first 4 posts.

WHEN DATING THE 2ND TIME AROUND…
The 8-year post-divorce dating period was, for me, a time rich with life lessons—things to which my eyes were opened, things that made every future relationship with men (and the relationship with myself) better and easier. There were four men who were particularly influential.
1. Kyle: Kyle was a man 3 years older than me whom I dated for about 6 months. He was very athletic, funny, and smart. But, because he’d never been married or in a long-term relationship, he was very self-focused, inconsiderate, and uncaring. He was also highly opinionated, arrogant, and competitive (both in sports and relationships). Every time we’d have a disagreement, he’d say “You want to win, don’t you? You want me to give in.” He wasn’t able to have a debate of any kind without seeing it as a competition. Because he was naturally competitive, he easily saw that trait in me. When he told me I too was competitive, I balked at first. I’d never been into competitive sports. What he meant, however, was that I wanted to win every argument and always thought I was right.

Again, a man noticed a shortcoming of mine that I hadn’t been able to see. And the lesson that came from that interaction was invaluable. Kyle taught me the deeper meaning of the age-old question: “Would you rather be right or happy?” After breaking it off with him, I realized I attracted competitive men because I too was competitive. And I needed to tone that down if I ever expected to have a smooth-flowing, healthy partnership. That insight helped me in every dating relationship I had after that and is still helping me today in my second marriage.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 4

2011-04-18T16:45:00.002-04:00

This is the 4th in a series I began on April 15. Feel free to scroll down to find those other 3 posts (as background for this one).

IN MARRIAGE #1 (1979-1995)
My first husband Pete: In the 15 years I was married to my grad school sweetheart, I learned a lot about men, myself, and relationships. Being married, of course, I learned a lot about what love and commitment really mean. But, the most-valuable lesson Pete taught me was this: I have what it takes to be my own boss and run my own company. As with the grad school experience, being self-employed was something I’d never considered. I’d worked in two corporate jobs after school and saw myself as a “team player”—not an entrepreneur.

But, when Pete left his corporate job a year into our marriage to open his own audio-visual production company, I got a firsthand look at how to start and run a business, do the marketing needed to attract clients, and handle the accounting, tax, and financial aspects involved with being an independent contractor. And he had enough faith in my abilities to ask me to be his business partner—a huge self-esteem boost, I must say, at age 30. I assisted him with many of the above-mentioned tasks as part of the company we ran together and learned the ins and outs of operating a small company. Even more valuable, though, was what I learned about surviving the inevitable ups and downs and ebbs and flows of being an entrepreneur in fluctuating economic times.

Since I’m still an entrepreneur (now running two businesses), what I learned from Pete serves me very well today too. But it was truly life-saving back in 1995 when I left our marriage and became a single income earner again. When you’re self-employed and don’t know when your next paycheck will come, you learn to be not just flexible but also innovative, patient, and resilient. The most important things I learned were to NOT worry about cash flow and to always have a backup plan. Everything would eventually work out if I just kept networking, working hard for my current clients, contacting potential clients, and maintaining a positive outlook. And, if things didn’t work out, I’d find a full-time job.
P.S. I never had to look for a full-time job. For 16 years, things have worked out just fine.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 3

2011-04-17T09:58:00.001-04:00

Two college professors: Speaking of self-esteem, two self-esteem-building lessons came from different male professors in my senior year of college. Within a week of each other, a professor who’d had me in several English lit classes and a prof who’d taught my film history and criticism classes told me they thought I should go to graduate school. This was something I’d never considered. Perhaps I thought I didn’t have what it took to get through grad school. After all, I was the first person in my family to even go to college. In any event, with the vote of confidence from two men I really admired, I felt confident and empowered enough to explore grad programs and ultimately earned an M.S. in Radio-TV-Film. From them, I learned that others notice your potential and your natural talents when sometimes you don’t. And it pays to take what they say to heart.
P.S. Graduate school led me to meeting my first husband AND landing my first job as a promotional writer. So I’ll be ever-indebted to those two wonderful, caring instructors who took the time to mentor me, so I could stretch myself in new directions and, ultimately, create more success than I ever envisioned personally and professionally.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 2

2011-04-16T10:23:00.001-04:00

IN MY COLLEGE YEARS…
My first boyfriend John: When I was a sophomore in college at age 19, I met my first love—a man named John. We had a ton of fun together (again, with a lot of affectionate yet sarcastic banter), and I learned about sexual love from him (and will always be grateful for what a gentle, patient teacher he was at that milestone moment in a young woman’s life!) I also learned how to cope and get stronger emotionally in a long-distance relationship (during summers away from college when the one-hour distance between our family homes limited our dates to once a week). Expressing our thoughts and feelings on the phone and in letters made this easier…and helped prepare me for another long-distance relationship I’d have 5 years later when I met my first husband.

What I remember more than anything else, though, is the two-fold lesson John taught me about selflessness and self-righteousness during our first Christmas together. I had taken quite a bit of time to carefully choose a few little gifts that I was anxious for him to open. I gave them to him that cozy winter evening with childlike glee, figuring he too would be excited about giving me whatever he’d picked out. But, when he saw my gifts, he simply said “I’m sorry; I didn’t get you anything.” I immediately teared up and felt crest-fallen. I said something about how I couldn’t believe he forgot to get me a Christmas gift, and that’s when he said “Oh, Gayle, I was only joking; of course, I got you something.” Though we’d always had a playful relationship, for some reason it didn’t cross my mind that he was kidding around, and I didn’t find this particular joke funny. In addition, I was embarrassed because he made me feel guilty for sounding selfish.

So, the lesson was this: Christmas is a time for giving; it’s not about receiving. And, from that moment on, I made a conscious effort to remember that. Ever since then, I’ve taken FAR more joy from buying or making things for others and hardly ever think about what I might receive.

The second lesson came after I saw one of the two gifts John had selected for me. It was a beautiful little necklace with an owl on it, and he said with a sly grin “That’s because you think you know everything.” Again, I was crest-fallen. I knew his sarcastic comment was intended in a spirit of fun, but, underneath, I thought: “Maybe he’s trying to tell me I’m too opinionated and outspoken.” I did my best to look happy with the gift, but inside I was hurt (partly because, in those days, my self-esteem wasn’t very strong). I learned that night that sometimes people use off-handed ways to tell you things they can’t tell you directly (but really want you to know). And it was a turning point for me because it made me aware that I could sound like a “know-it-all”—and that didn’t endear me to other people. From then on, I tried to tone down my self-righteousness, something that continues to be a work in progress today.

LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MEN

2011-04-15T15:07:00.002-04:00

This is the first of a series of pieces I'll post on this topic over the next week or so. I hope you enjoy them. I look forward to hearing your feedback...

Have you ever thought about the people from whom you learned the most in your life? And, if so, were most of your greatest teachers women or men? As I look back on my 57 years on the planet, the list of males who taught me life-transforming lessons is definitely longer than the list of females.

Maybe this is because we don’t think of our fellow women as teachers (even though the majority of grade-school instructors for Baby Boomers like me were females). In my case, I think I tend to take for granted the words of wisdom imparted by my mom, girlfriends, sisters, and female coworkers, colleagues, professors, and bosses because women tend to share these types of conversations amongst themselves all the time. We’re always learning valuable little tidbits from each other, but, as I’m writing this, not many things I’ve learned from women stand out as earth-shatteringly profound.

When it comes to men, however, I’ve noticed that many of the lessons I learned from them DO stand out and have made a deep impression. Interestingly, most of what they taught me was not from their words but, rather, from their actions, role-modeling, the experiences I shared with them, the support they gave me, or the outcomes of the interactions I had with them.

IN MY YOUTH…
My brother Tony: In the early years, I think I learned the most from my brother Tony. He was 6½ years younger than me, so I was asked to play the role of “Mommy’s helper” for many years. From that experience, I learned not just the logistics of caretaking but the purity of love. I felt for him like most mothers feel about their children: protective, deeply connected, and very caring. But, because he looked up to me as his oldest sibling, I also learned what it felt like to be admired and respected.

Tony and I had a really special relationship based on laughing at the same goofy TV shows, a love of the outdoors, a sarcastic way of bantering back and forth and teasing each other, and an ability to call each other on the carpet for our idiosyncracies. We even wrote funny letters to each other when he was in college in the mid-70s. And he walked me down the aisle when I married the first time in 1979 (since my dad had died in 1975)—a bittersweet memory, since Tony himself died in a head-on car collision just 6 months later when he was barely 20.

Shortly after that, I learned another valuable lesson from Tony, when a teddy bear he had given me seemed to speak my name in his voice one rainy night while I sat reading in bed. The lesson: love is eternal; the soul lives on. Those who loved you will always be with you, even after passing away from the earth. Later, with the help of a medium, I got other messages from Tony—that he was alright, at peace, and wanted to help me any way he could. His enduring love—and just knowing he was there for me whenever I needed him—sustained me through many rough times in life after that (especially as I struggled during and after my separation). And I truly believe my prayers to Tony and my Dad (my angels on “the other side”) helped bring my second husband Jim into my life at age 50, after many frustrating years of post-divorce dating.

ATTRACT WHAT YOU WANT

2011-03-30T10:18:00.003-04:00

You've probably heard the expression "BE who you want to attract" (based on the universal Law of Attraction, which says that like attracts like). The concept is that, in order to attract a fun, well-balanced, emotionally secure person, you need to be those 3 things. When you're in a positive place, you attract positive people and experiences; when you're in a negative place, you tend to find negative people and experiences coming into your life.

What I found in my dating years and continue to notice today is that "what I focus on expands." If I focus on what's going wrong or what I don't have in my life (by complaining or thinking too much about my problems or challenges), things continue to go wrong. I don't seem to get what I want.

Here's an example: As a dating coach, I ask clients to write down their "partner vision" -- the qualities and character traits they are most attracted to and feel compatible with in a partner. Sometimes, though, they haven't given this enough thought and send me instead a list of what they DON'T want (often based on the qualities of the partner from the last failed relationship they were in). It's a case of "I don't know what I want, but I definitely know what I don't want." The problem with this is that their thoughts and emotions are focused on those things they don't want, rather than on what they desire instead.

So, here's how to turn that around so you can focus on what you DO want (whether in a partner, a new job, your finances, your living situation, your free time, or whatever)and be more likely to draw that into your life:
Take that list of what you don't want and draw 2 columns; in the first, you'll put that list, and then, next to each item in the 2nd column, you'll write the opposite of that. Voila! You have a list of what you desire--what is more of a fit for you. Now, all you have to do is FOCUS on that list in the right column. Throw away the negative list and keep a copy of the positive list in a place you're likely to see it throughout the day. Read the entire list a couple times a day and envision each of those "best-case scenarios" actually happening in your life. Imagine them in complete detail and let yourself daydream about them as often as you can. Soon, they'll begin to feel real, believable, and achievable.

For some reason, we humans tend to imagine "worst-case scenarios" a lot more than best case. Why is this? Don't we feel worthy to have what we desire? Or do we just think we're being unrealistic dreamers? It doesn't really matter. The point is that we can stop this type of thinking, shift our focus, and begin to attract into our lives the things we focus on. We just need to make up our minds to make that shift and keep that promise to ourselves day after day, week after week.

An excellent book I'm using as the basis of a monthly motivational group I run is The Passion Test; it says that, in order to attract what you want, you need to set an INTENTION, put ATTENTION on it (the focus I've been talking about), and then come from a place of NO TENSION (without worrying about how it'll manifest in your life..but continuing to believe that it will), so it can flow naturally to you with the help of the Law of Attraction. I've done this in my life many times, and it really works!

How about you? Are you attracting what you want? Or are you focusing too much on what you don't have or don't want by complaining about your current situation (ie, feeling like a victim)? I'd love to hear your stories and/or your feedback.

DATING IS EASY WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THE OPPOSITE SEX

2011-03-21T14:44:00.004-04:00

The more you know about the opposite sex, the easier it will be to date. Seems obvious, right? Yet, many singles only know what they've learned from past relationships...and, unfortunately, a lot of that is based on negative experiences that leave a bad taste in their mouths. "Relationship Communication 101" wasn't part of their school curriculum.

You've heard it a million times: A key difference between men and women is communication style. And so it's not surprising that communication issues are one of the top reasons for breakups. Misunderstandings lead to defensiveness and anger. And yet how many of us take the time to examine the obstacles in the way of good communication, learn to communicate better, and then put what we learned into practice in dating and relating?

The bottom line: if we just took the time to understand each other's thought processes and motivations better, we could avoid the misunderstandings that drive a wedge between us and cause detachment and stalemate. How can we "talk things out" when we don't know how to talk to each other so we're heard and understood?

My husband and I are total opposites in the way we communicate: I'm the extreme extrovert who's comfortable opening up about every detail of my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. He's the extreme introvert who's very UNCOMFORTABLE verbalizing in general (much less about his thoughts and feelings), so discussing our relationship is torturous and difficult for him. The shorter such discussions are, the better, from his point of view. This, of course, is frustrating for me, because I feel pressured to express everything I want to say in 20 minutes or less, and that's hard for me (since I tend to be verbose).

What would make things easier? Well, relationship coaching for us and self-esteem-related therapy for me have given us the answer: I need to be quiet, listen, and give him the time to express himself and also refrain from correcting his choice of words or judging him in any way. He, in turn, needs to somehow (through the written word or physical touch) express his affection and show me that he's there for me so I'll feel secure. In short, we each have to understand and accept the other's emotional and psychological needs and modify our behaviors to reflect that.

Recently, we've done this and come to a new, healthier place in our relationship. I feel closer; he feels safer. And we're both happier.

What about you? Does this ring true for you in your relationships? I'd love to hear your comments.

The pitfalls of the online dating "fantasy world"

2011-02-04T14:05:00.002-05:00

Often, when people first start dating online, they get caught up in fantasizing about someone they've seen on the Internet. They're atttracted to the person's photo, think they have a lot in common with each other, and begin picturing themselves in a relationship. This is a dangerous habit to get into.

Because the dating sites now let you monitor how many people have "browsed" your photo, you can get the false sense that dozens of people are actually into you as a person, rather than just your appearance. Then, if that person "winks" at you, you may jump to the conclusion they really do want to get to know you. Be careful about such assumptions. The truth is: a "wink" is a lazy person's way of flirting without having to take the time to write a full, personalized email. He or she is simply saying your photo grabbed his/her attention. No more than that.

It makes no sense (and can be very self-sabotaging) to become infatuated with someone who hasn't taken the time to write you an actual email that mentions something impressive or remarkable about you. In the sender's mind, you're likely to be one of 10 or 20 computer photos he/she winked at that day...not a real flesh-and-blood person with whom to start a relationship. The person is a "kid in a candy store" sending out feelers but not necessarily ready to keep the communication going if those receiving them write back and want to take things to the next level.

Sure, there are some sincere, down-to-earth people online looking for serious relationships. And you can find them if you screen prospects well on email and on the phone. I'm not saying you can't meet some wonderful people for dating. I did, and I married him more than 5 years ago.

What I AM saying is be aware. Know that the larger the dating site, the greater the percentage of possible "cruisers" there'll be (people who enjoy casually browsing nice photos with no intention of actually meeting those folks and very little interest in a long-term relationship). Don't get your hopes up about everyone who contacts you. It could turn out to be no more than a fantasy.

Instead, carefully read the profiles and write ONLY to the people who really wow you and have most of the character traits and values you prefer in a partner. Don't sit back and wait for others to write to you. Take charge and do the choosing yourself. That's what I did, and it worked out great!

How to talk to strangers wherever you go

2011-01-27T13:53:00.002-05:00

The #1 thing single people struggle with when they're out and about at both singles events and elsewhere is what to say to break the ice with a new person. Do you:
1) Ask a question?
2) Comment on something happening in the room at that time?
3) Give the person a compliment?
4) Or just walk up and introduce yourself?

The answer is YES--ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Any of these approaches will work. And none of them is all that awkward to try. The one that male dating experts advise women to use is #2--because it seems natural and friendly. Just say something lighthearted about whatever is going on nearby. For example, if you're both in line at a coffee shop and he's staring at the desserts, say "I can tell you'd love to try that muffin." Or, if you're at a party, ask "How do you know (name of host/hostess)? At a singles dance, mention that you noticed he/she hasn't danced yet.

When I was single, I used all four openers, and I got more comfortable the more I used them. To get my courage up, I asked myself: What's the worst that could happen? He could just ignore me and act like he didn't hear me. Or he could give me a weird look and walk away. In all my years of dating (nearly 9), neither of these things ever happened. Most people were polite and talked to me for a bit even if I could tell from their body language that they weren't interested.

The point is: you never know until you try. What have you got to lose? In most cases, you'll have a nice conversation. And maybe in one or two, you'll really hit if off with somebody. It's your choice: be brave...or stand around all night looking and feeling awkward.
P.S. For practice, try this first at non-singles gatherings like friends' parties or business networking events. It'll help you build courage and test out which openers get the best reception. Good luck & have fun! Today could be the day you meet a fascinating stranger! :-)

Are you saying no to the love of your life?

2010-11-17T14:20:00.006-05:00

I just heard a great podcast with Julie Ferman (aka "Cupid's Coach) who provides matchmaking and dating coaching services to successful women looking for love. One thing in her interview really stood out: she said many women don't find the love of their life because they focus more on a man's "secondary" qualities like his height, age, job, hair, distance from her, the car he drives, and the age of his kids than they do on his "primary" qualities like values, personality, passions, respect for women, emotional IQ, parenting style, and readiness for commitment.

She said that, if she's found a great match for someone who then comes back to her after the first meeting and says "Great guy, no chemistry", she urges her to give him another chance. Then, she tells the man to plan a date that woman can't refuse--something, based on her passions, that she'd absolutely LOVE to do. Often, once the woman sees the guy again, lets him pamper her with the date of her dreams, and gets to know him better, she begins to see him in a different light. And, sometimes, a warm feeling grows between them that can make him look more attractive and appealing to her than he did at the first meeting. More times than not, she finds out he really IS a great guy who cherishes her and respects her, and love begins to bloom.

This happened to me several times during my dating years and has happened to clients and friends of mine too. Sometimes, we make a snap judgment about someone based on appearance and never give him/her a chance to show us his/her heart and soul. I can't tell you how many times a man's sense of humor, playfulness, intelligence, or laid-back manner won me over and caused me to be turned on by him...even after I'd predetermined he wasn't my physical type. Experience showed me that all 3 of these traits can be very sexy.

How about you...do you sometimes make snap judgments about potential dates based on the outer trappings of their lives rather than the inner person? If so, you could very well be passing up opportunities to forge deep, satisfying relationships with people who may turn out to be perfect for you. If this has happened to you, share your story. I'd love to hear about it! :-)

HAPPINESS IS CONTAGIOUS!

2010-08-30T12:34:00.002-04:00

I read a great quote today that both my dating coaching and life coaching clients could benefit from:
"Anger, depression, and judging others--even the illusion of control--are all contagious. Far too often, however, we forget that HAPPINESS IS THE MOST CONTAGIOUS STATE OF MIND OF ALL."

I'm sure you've noticed how people who are smiling and happy give off vibes that rub off on those around them. If you've ever smiled back at a stranger walking down the street who smiled at you, you know how this feels. Yes, happiness and joy ARE contagious. They spread easily to anyone the happy person comes in contact with.

For singles circulating in both the world at large and singles events, this is wisdom worth noting, remembering, and putting into practice. There's nothing more "attractive" (that is, able to attract other people) than someone who's smiling and seems happy and having fun. Everyone wants to be around that person. He or she is a people magnet.

That's why my first advice to anyone seeking to attract dates and/or a long-term relationship in the dating world is to GET HAPPY YOURSELF. Create a fun-filled, rewarding life with friends, family and coworkers BEFORE you go out looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. Focus on getting all your ducks in a row and building a life of contentment. After you do that, it will be MUCH easier to attract another happy person into your life. And two happy people will always have a better connection and a smoother relationship than two miserable people (or even one happy + one miserable). It's just common sense.

My husband Jim and I both spent almost 9 years after our respective divorces redesigning our lives to be happier. Then and only then was it a good time for us to meet...so the chances of a successful relationship would be optimized. We met in June 2004 and were engaged 7 months later...all because we had each already gotten our lives and hearts to a place of peace and contentment.

How about you? Has this proven true in your life...or in the life of some couples you know who are happy together? I'd love to hear your input!

Want to stop playing the Blame Game?

2010-08-13T15:15:00.003-04:00

Recently, I read an article that said the main reason relationships go south is that our hard wiring makes us instinctively want to offload our anxiety and stress onto others...so we wind up pointing the finger of blame at those with whom we're in close relationships because they're easy targets.

If you've ever lashed out unfairly at your spouse, significant other, or the person you're currently dating, you know all about this. The article says scapegoating like this is an ancient defense mechanism in the brain that's unconscious yet powerful. In caveman days, it was a useful survival instinct that unloaded our distracting, annoying anxiety so our fight-or-flight response would be sharper and better able to keep us alert and safe. Nowadays, though, blaming others when we're stressed out only leads to conflict.

The weird thing is: When we're stressed out and blame or criticize other people for what's out of control in our lives, we tend to believe they're somehow at fault. But, in fact, this is just our anxiety talking. Unfortunately, the other person will likely feel unjustly accused and get angry, leading to a fight or even a breakup...a breakup that could have been avoided. If the blamer understood this instinctive tendency to blame others in times of stress, he or she could have managed the anxiety somehow without taking it out on the other person...and thus preserved a great relationship.

I've caught myself playing this Blame Game with my unsuspecting, innocent-of-any-wrongdoing husband who definitely doesn't deserve to be picked on. I'm hoping this awareness of my cavewoman instinct to offload my stress on him will help me stop attacking him in the future. How about you? Think this info will come in handy in your relationships? Drop me a line to share your thoughts! :-)

Older Wives & Younger Husbands

2010-06-10T09:35:00.003-04:00

When I was dating online in my late 40s, I had about 50 "coffee dates" with a variety of men of all ages from 8 different websites over a 14-month period. About 6 months into that 14 months, I began to realize that the men my age or younger were the ones I got along with best. They were more energetic, more likely to have kids around my kids' ages, younger at heart, and more attractive to me physically. And so, when I turned 49, I started specifying in my profile that I was seeking men age 45-50.

Prior to that, I'd been open to dating men 5 years older than me. And I certainly did have long-term relationships with a few. But, when I look back on my 9 years of post-divorce dating, I realize that 7 of the 10 men I dated during those years were younger than me. And the 3 who weren't had differences with me that were significant. (Full disclosure: my first husband was exactly the same age as me, and my current husband is 7 years younger.)

Nowadays, you see a fair amount of media coverage of the "cougar" syndrome--older women dating and marrying younger men. And I wonder why people make such a big deal about it. Age, in my opinion, is just a number. And, if we're honest, most of us will agree that the compatibility between 2 people has a LOT more to do with life experience, values, attitudes, lifestyle factors, maturity level, and philosophies of life than it does with age.

I only personally know 4 other married couples with an age gap of 3 or more years between the younger husband and older wife. Even in the 21st century--with attitudes about men, women, and relationships becoming more progressive every day--there still seems to be a societal stigma against women being older than their husbands. Why else would the word "cougar" be used...as if we ladies are animals on the prowl for young prey. I personally find the term offensive.

I'm wondering what you think. Do you know any younger husband-older wife couples? If so, do they seem well suited? Does their age gap cause any problems? Do you think the man in the relationship was more progressive than most since he was open to dating an older woman? Please drop a note and share your views...especially if you're in such a relationship yourself. I'd love to hear about your experiences!

Online Dating Profiles That Grab Attention

2010-06-01T10:49:00.002-04:00

I've been helping women clients write profiles for a long time, and I usually keep them simple--a paragraph describing the woman's personality, values and unique qualities followed by a paragraph describing the kind of man she's most compatible with. Short and sweet...because most men tell me they don't want to read a lot online; they're more interested in a woman's photo, age and geographic proximity.

Men, on the other hand, never seek my help with profile writing...even though I make it known to them that I offer that service to save them time and trouble. Most usually go ahead and write a few sentences about themselves and hope for the best. Because these writeups are often brief, many women clients tell me they wish the guys had written more. I did too when I was dating online.

Now, however, it's come to my attention that a lot of men are taking the time to write more-detailed profiles, and some are getting pretty creative with it too. One 41-year-old Philadelphia man I met recently told me his profile is a descriptive analogy about him as if he were a book. It was clever and funny and, I'm sure, would grab a woman's attention and set him apart as more imaginative than the other guys online. Another man on Match.com wrote an amusing essay about the difference between a girl and a "grown woman" and said he preferred the latter. Again, a creative approach bound to distinguish him as an insightful, deep-thinker kind of guy with a good sense of humor.

My question is: are these guys' offbeat profiles more likely than a straightforward profile to impress the women reading them? Will they tell the ladies enough about the guy to entice them to drop him an e-mail? Or will they seem too "over the top" and not "real" enough to get a woman to take an interest and get in touch? I'm guessing that it depends on the woman reading it. But I'd LOVE to hear from both men and women online daters about this.

I'm also wondering if you've noticed that more men write these creative types of profiles than women do. Drop me a line with your observations and insights. Thanks!

GUYS: ARE WOMEN INTIMIDATING?

2010-05-21T16:38:00.002-04:00

I can't tell you how many single, divorced, and widowed women tell me that men often find them intimidating. They say that, in their experience, many men over 40 aren't comfortable with a woman who's been independent (on her own) for a while. They sometimes feel insecure and wonder if she's "out of their league".

And here's what some guys tell me:
1)They're put off by a woman who's travelled the world or had a high-powered career because they don't think she'd look up to him or be impressed by him.
2)They're not sure how to deal with a woman who has a full, happy life because they wonder where they'd fit into her life or how they could ever feel needed by or important to her.

These are legitimate concerns, and they make sense. But do they really ring true? My guess is that, rather than intimidating, it's more the case that men find women confusing and complicated. And, if a woman has a different kind of life experience, education, or success story than they do, they're not sure how to approach her, talk to her, and impress her.

What do you think, guys? Am I totally off-base? Even close? Sort of in the ballpark? I'd love to hear your take on this...to educate myself and to help make it easier for my single women clients to understand and accept you. This sure would make dating and relating a lot easier for both men and women, wouldn't it?

Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Have you ever felt intimidated when getting to know a new woman? If so, why? And what do women need to know about you that would make things flow better in this regard?

Thanks in advance for your input!

Single Women: Do you LIKE men?

2010-04-28T09:38:00.002-04:00

This may sound like a funny question, but it crosses my mind often when I talk to single/divorced women at my seminars or as clients. After listening to a litany of complaints and criticisms of men (the ones they divorced and the ones they've dated since then), I start to wonder: Do they like men at all? Don't they know any fabulous, big-hearted guys?

Granted, when people come to me for one-on-one dating help or advice at a seminar, they're usually in a fairly negative place. They've tried a lot of things that haven't worked...had a lot of disappointments in the dating world...and are losing faith and/or giving up. They're about to throw up their hands and scream "I've looked everywhere, and I can't find any decent men!" So it's no surprise I tend to hear more negative than positive commentaries on a day-to-day basis.

Just once, I'd love to hear a female client say to me "I really like men. In fact, I have a bunch of great male friends, and I'm friendly with my ex-husband now. I just need new ideas for crossing paths with guys who are my type for dating." Wow! It'd be a breeze getting a woman like that more dates! She's got the type of attitude that makes her a man magnet! :-)

Unfortunately, most of the women who seek my help have not-so-flattering opinions of men and carry an array of toxic emotions related to past experiences with guys, including mistrust, anger, disillusionment, disgust, and fear. (Of course, men sometimes carry similar emotions, but that's another blog.) They're often very judgmental, unforgiving, and uncompassionate. Because they don't understand men enough to know why they do the things they do, the tend to make incorrect snap judgments about them and to write them off as uncouth, uncultured, or inappropriate. Pretty soon, they're letting their experiences with the "bad apples" color their thinking and feelings about ALL single/divorced men. And that's sad.

Sad because they could be passing up some genuinely nice guys. I could tell the story of the generous, devoted, supportive man I met online and married until I'm blue in the face. But they tend to think I was "lucky" and their chances of finding the same are nonexistent. I disagree...because it was after I changed my attitude about men that nicer guys came into my life.

An attitude shift (along with my guidance as to where they're more likely to find nice guys) can totally change these women's search results. The better they understand the deep-felt emotions that are under the surface for most men, the more open-hearted and accepting they'll be when meeting new men. And there's nothing more attractive to a man than an understanding, accepting woman. Try it and see! And let me know how it goes or what you think. I'd love to hear from you!

WHAT KIND OF VIBES DO YOU GIVE OFF?

2010-04-23T11:05:00.002-04:00

You know how sometimes you'll meet someone who just makes you feel uncomfortable? You can't explain it, but there's something that rubs you the wrong way...or that makes you think there's something strange going on under the surface. You just can't put your finger on it. That's what I would call "negative vibes."

Often unknown to the person, he or she is eminating a certain kind of vibration that others can pick up when they talk to them or are near them. Some of it is communicated through their body language, tone of voice, and attitude. But some of it is also the energetic frequency at which that person is "vibrating." Every person and creature has an energetic vibration, and when we're in a peaceful, happy place, we give off the highest, most-attractive vibes. In fact, research shows that love, gratitude, peace, joy, compassion, laughter, kindness, and truth are some of the highest vibrations...while hate, shame, anger, fear, judgment, mistrust, jealousy, and lying are the lowest.

So...what kind of vibes do you think people are picking up from you? Are you often in a negative or fearful place? Do you complain about the opposite sex a lot? Do you tend to focus on what's going wrong in the world or in your life? Or do you try to look at the bright side and focus on the good things that are happening? When you do the latter, you're much nicer to be around and much more fun to get to know.

This is why it's smart to catch yourself if you're stuck in a negative place and try to shift your energy to be more positive, upbeat, and optimistic...ESPECIALLY if you're out meeting new people in the dating world. Isn't it great when you meet somebody who seems to be happy, at peace, laughing and having fun, with a positive outlook on life? Sure! And wouldn't more people want to be with YOU if those were the vibes you were giving off more of the time? Absolutely!

Unfortunately, many of the single, divorced, and widowed people who come to me for dating coaching voice a lot of complaints about the opposite-gender people they're meeting online or at singles events. They spend 80% of their time focusing on what they see as the subpar quality of the folks they're encountering, and then they wonder why they keep attracting more of the same.

The reason is that their thoughts are creating their reality. The more they think and believe that "there are no good men out there," the more low-quality men they find. What they believe they receive.

How about you? Do you believe there are some wonderful, big-hearted, high-quality prospects out there in the singles world...and it's just a matter of time until you meet somebody who'd be just right for you? Or have you concluded that--if they even exist--it's really hard to find such people, and you think the chances of your meeting them are small to nil? If you're stuck in this spiral of negative thinking, know that you CAN change it...but only if you make up your mind to and have a strong daily intention. If you need help with that, drop me a line. I'd love to help.

How well do YOU understand the opposite sex?

2010-04-13T10:10:00.003-04:00

The better you understand the psyches and behaviors of the opposite sex, the easier it will be to get dates and the smoother your dating relationships will go. For instance, women will be able to write an online dating profile username and headline that appeals more to men and instantly grabs their attention (such as "I'm cute and I love to cook"), so they'll get more hits and more dates. Similarly, both sexes will have less trouble flirting and more success breaking the ice with others at singles gatherings when they have a clue about what's going on in the other person's mind. For example, if a guy understands that a woman is often more flattered when he notices her smile rather than her figure, he'll keep his eyes more on her face and give a nice compliment about that when starting a conversation...and will get a MUCH warmer reaction.

I know this from experience in both my single and married lives. The more I learn about how men think and why they do the things they do, the easier it is to accept my husband and to be kind in the face of behaviors that used to upset me. For example, a client of mine recently said she'd told her husband she wished he'd give her compliments more often. And he told her he doesn't feel he should have to SAY those things...she should know how he feels about her by the things he DOES for her. I know my husband is the same way. It isn't often I hear "you look nice in that" but he'll go out and fill up my car tires without my asking. He's always doing little things to make our house nicer or my daily schedule easier, and I now know (5 years into my 2nd marriage)that this is how he tells me he loves me. It's just the way guys are.

Men say FAR more with actions than they do with words. In fact, research shows that women say about 5 times more words in a day than men do, so it's obvious men aren't as comfortable verbalizing things, especially their own thoughts and feelings. As a result, it pays for us women to figure out what their actions mean. And, of course, it pays for men to pick the brains of their sisters, mothers, and female friends to find out more about how women think.

Armed with this knowledge, the "battle of the sexes" could be a lot less combative and a lot more compassionate.

What do you think? Are you trying to understand the opposite sex better? If so, is it making your relationships easier? I'd love to hear your story. Or feel free to pick my brain about what makes the opposite sex tick. I have plenty of insight and resources to share to make things easier.

What Do YOU Think of Free Online Dating Sites?

2010-03-23T16:14:00.004-04:00

When I was dating online a few years ago, there were only 1 or 2 free sites available. Nowadays, there are plenty more, with new ones popping up quite often. You've probably heard of Plenty of Fish (POF)--one of the fastest-growing free sites. And you may know about OKCupid.com and Supertova.com (for Jewish people). Many of my clients have tried POF, with mixed results. Most of the women who come to me for coaching have a story to tell about POF, and many are not good.

What I'm hearing is that the quality of the men on the site isn't that great and the incidence of scamming is increasing. And I tend to wonder whether that's because "you get what you pay for." If something is free, anyone and everyone will try it out, so--by the law of averages--the site is bound to attract more than its share of less-desirable people too.

So what do you think? Is there any difference between the type of people likely to join a free site vs. the ones who are willing to pay an average of $30/month to join a site? I'd love to hear back from you if you've tried 1 or more free sites and 2 or more paid sites, so you have a good basis of comparison. What have you noticed about the selection of prospects, the rate of replies you get back, and the number of actual meetings you set up when you compare free and paid sites side by side?

And then there's the issue of married people frequenting dating sites. Do you think the free sites are more likely to have more married people on them than the paid sites because there's no chance that a spouse will just happen to see a credit card statement with a fee for an online dating site on it and catch them in the act? Again, I'd love to hear your opinion.

To be fair, I should say that I hear complaints about lesser-quality and married people as well as scammers in reference to more than just a few online dating sites out there today, not just the free ones. Unfortunately, these problems are widespread and hard to police and control.

Drop me a note. Tell me your story. Let me know what your experience has been. In general, I don't recommend free sites to my clients because most of them are seeking long-term relationships, not just casual dating. And I tend to believe that a person who pays a monthly fee to become a member of a site is more serious about finding someone for an actual phone call, date, and relationship (rather than just some e-mail flirting, texting, and/or IM'ing) than someone who pays nothing.

In my opinion, it's more tempting, convenient, and effortless for people--married or unmarried--to dabble casually in checking out photos and contacting members of the opposite sex online if they don't have to pay. And, as a result, a large percentage of these folks have no intention of going any further...or of putting forth the effort to pick up the phone or to set up and show up for a meeting.

I'm anxious to hear your thoughts...and those of your single friends. Post a comment if you're so inclined. Thanks!

NEED NEW DATING IDEAS?

2010-03-02T10:58:00.002-05:00

In the middle of my morning swim last week, I had a brainstorm: why am I only focusing on single people with the dating tips I offer? Long-term committed couples and even those who are married need to continue dating too...that is, if they want their relationships to be long and happy. So today I want to talk to both single AND married men and women because I'm sure everyone can relate to this.

When people are first dating, they usually do a lot of fun things together. Both people come up with creative ideas for enjoying each other’s company, sharing adventures, and learning new things about each other. But it’s rare that singles continue that more than 6 months or so. And it's even rarer for those in a long-term relationship (LTR) or a marriage to do it much at all because there are often baby-sitters to hire, other priorities, or 101 reasons they lack the energy or motivation to make time for themselves as a couple (except maybe on anniversaries or Valentine’s Day).

It's easy for today's couples to let weeks go by without spending any quality time together. The good news: it’s never too late to reignite the anticipation and excitement couples had when they first met. In fact, I believe you can keep the romance and connection alive and make your relationship feel as fresh as it did when you were first dating. And the best way to do that is (at the risk of stating the obvious): CONTINUE “DATING”!

You’ve probably heard a million times that you don’t have to stop dating just because you’re committed. The happiest couples in the longest marriages say that’s their secret—they continue to carve out time for just the two of them on a regular basis. And, as a result, they’re still discovering new things about each other, which keeps their relationship vital and exciting. Many of us make this promise to ourselves over and over…and then forget about it. Well, NOW is the time to stop promising and start delivering! And I’ve got a fun suggestion for how to begin. Do what my husband Jim and I do: START GOING ON “MYSTERY DATES”!

A few years ago, a married friend told me she and her husband were doing this once a month. They’d take turns planning a surprise date for their spouse—something they knew he or she would love. It was an evening or weekend afternoon (or even a weekend getaway) JUST for him or her. The giver didn’t necessarily have to like the date idea—it was all about the other person. So I planned a Mystery Date for Jim in January. Because he loves pinball, I found a “Pinball Parlor” with dozens of old pinball machines in a nearby suburb, asked him to be ready to go at 6:45 on a Friday night and to dress casually, and drove him to the location.

About a mile before our destination, he figured out where we were going. But it didn’t matter—one of the coolest things about this is trying to guess (or laughing about the guesses the other person makes!) I can’t tell you how much fun it was for me planning the date, anticipating his reaction, and enjoying how pleased he was when we pulled up in front of the place! And it turns out he’d never been there but had always wanted to try it. So I felt doubly pleased.

Plus—as a bonus I didn’t expect—even though I’ve never been a big fan of pinball, I discovered that night how much I like it. So Jim and I now have a new hobby we can share! I highly recommend trying the Mystery Date idea in your relationship. It injects a lot of extra fun for very little effort. And it could pay off in creating an interesting new pastime you could enjoy together from now on.

Side note: If your partner is more of a homebody (like mine is) and doesn’t like to go out much, he and you could plan surprise dates at home. Some ideas we’ve tried:
- A picnic on the living room floor
- “Mutual Massage Night”
- Sitting out on the patio with a fire in the chimnea, a glass of wine, and our favorite music playing

It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It just has to be something you each plan as a surprise for the other during a time you’ve set aside exclusively for the two of you. It helps to ask for the date at least a week in advance so you can both enjoy anticipating and looking forward to your special time together. I know, for me, that’s at least half the fun of Mystery Dates!

Another side note: Prior to this, Jim never felt comfortable planning dates, not even when we were first dating. He’s more of a spontaneous person not used to putting things on his calendar days or weeks in advance. But now, after doing this for a couple months, he tells me he has lots of ideas for the next date he’ll take me on (which is music to my ears after five years of urging him to suggest some outings). I think the commitment we made to do this for each other in a particular time frame—with each person planning something just 6 times a year—has made it easier for him AND injected an element of intrigue that he likes.

Whatever the reason, I’m having a GREAT time choosing (and being treated to) Mystery Dates, and I think you will too!
P.S. If you have trouble getting the process started, let me know. I’m happy to brainstorm with and cheer-lead you as you get back into dating!

How's Your Self-Image?

2010-02-22T13:25:00.002-05:00

Do you think you're attractive? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Or are you self-critical, judgemental about your looks, and wishing you could change something about your appearance? If you're dissatisfied with how you look and afraid that will hinder you from finding dates, you're not alone. Probably 75% of my dating coaching clients--both men and women--aren't happy enough with their looks to believe a dating prospect will find them sexy.

AND THAT'S THE BIGGEST THING HOLDING THEM BACK FROM HAVING SUCCESS WITH DATING.

Ladies, you wouldn't believe how many men tell me they're insecure about their height or their hair (or lack thereof). Men, it's amazing how many women with nice figures tell me they think they're fat. We're always our harshest critics. And, when we have these negative perceptions about our appearance, we're our own worst enemies too, especially in the dating world.

Not only do people with those perceptions give off "You wouldn't want to be with me" vibes, but they also put so much emphasis on looks that they forget about their other wonderful qualities--a great personality, a laugh-out-loud sense of humor, a huge heart, an ability to make others comfortable, a laid-back/down-to-earth quality that others love being around. For some reason, we humans tend to focus more on what we think is wrong with us rather than all the things that are right.

With all my clients, I ask "What makes you a great catch?" and help them focus on what people who know them well have said is outstanding about them. I force them to think about what makes them fun on a date. And we work together to shift their self-image and thus their confidence--which is 70% of the succcess formula for dating.

So next time you look in the mirror, zero in on your beautiful qualities. Focus on what's striking or unique about you. And decide to hold that thought next time you walk into a room full of singles, so you can hold your head up high. That kind of confidence is IRRESISTIBLE! And you will be too.
P.S. If an update of your hair, clothes, glasses, or body shape would make you feel better about yourself, by all means work to change that. But don't fixate on what you don't like so much that you lose sight of what you DO like...and what others have said is special about you. Otherwise, you'll feel like a loser rather than the winner you actually are. Feel like a winner, and you win at love. It's that simple.

Why singles hate Valentine's Day

2010-02-10T15:43:00.007-05:00

I remember that aching feeling in the heart I had around Valentine's Day during the 8+ years I was single after my divorce. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the whole world is made of couples and you're the only one who's alone during this holiday celebrating love. Here are 3 ways to change those thoughts so you'll be happier and more at peace this February:

1) Learn the facts about singles: Statistics show that America is almost evenly split between singles and couples. The 96 million Americans who are unmarried represent 43% of the adult population--nearly half! In fact, since 2005, the majority of U.S. households have NOT been headed by married couples. So you're far from alone. There are tens of millions of others just like you...people who aren't yet part of a couple. Match.com alone has 20 million of them, and Yahoo has another 10 million.

2) Understand the truth about couples: Did you also know that only about 25% of married people describe themselves as happy? I remember seeing couples and assuming they were all experiencing the bliss that I wasn't. But that's just not the case.

3) Realize love is all around you: Just because you don't currently have a significant other doesn't mean Valentine's Day isn't for you. Think about all those who love you unconditionally...your parents, your kids, your pets, your best friends. There have to be at least 5 people in your life to send a Valentine to or to share a candelight dinner with. Go ahead and plan it NOW!

My warmest, fuzziest, most romantic Valentine's Day EVER was the one before I met my 2nd husband, when my best girlfriend and I shared a special meal, some top-quality wine, love poems to each other, a cozy fire, and an evening of from-the-heart conversation. How will YOU create a self-loving Valentine's Day gift to yourself? Drop me a note to tell me what you did. I'd love to hear about it!

A New Attitude About Dating in the New Year!

2010-01-28T11:24:00.002-05:00

Are you ready to discard the old attitudes about dating that held you back in 2009? Ready to start fresh with an all-new approach that will result in more great dates? A new year and a new decade is a GREAT time to do that!

Where to begin? Well, start with a check-in with yourself by answering these questions:
1. Do I feel optimistic that my kind of person is out there?
2. Do I feel good about the way I look and the image I'm presenting to the world so I can walk confidently into a room with other singles and have my head held high?
3. Am I able to eliminate negative self-talk about myself most of the time so I feel like a great catch for a long-term partner?
4. Have I dealt with any baggage from the past that was causing me to mistrust, fear, or dislike the opposite sex?
5. Am I giving off the kind of friendly, fun, happy vibes that most attract other people to me?
6. Is my heart free to give to someone else or is there an emotional attachment to someone from the past that I need to let go of?
7. Do I have my life in order enough (with job, kids, house etc.) so that I can put my focus on my dating search and/or actually dating someone?

If you can't answer yes to all of these questions, you may not be quite ready for (or able to muster) a new attitude. You may still have some soul-searching, healing, or image adjustment to do.

Once you CAN answer all of the above in the affirmative, you can start off on a new foot in 2010 in 3 main areas:
1. How you view yourself and your chances of dating success
2. How you view the opposite sex
3. How you interact with the opposite sex

Give it a try and let me know how that goes for you. You have the power to shift your thoughts, which then shift your attitudes and the vibrations you give off. I bet you'll be amazed at how effective such a shift is...in the way you see yourself and your world and the types of things and people you're able to attract into it. Best of luck! Hope to hear from you with some positive results! :-)

Do you REALLY believe there's a great match for you out there?

2009-12-09T16:12:00.003-05:00

If you don't, you might as well not even think about dating yet. In my experience coaching hundreds of singles of all ages, I've found that NOT believing is the #1 biggest obstacle standing in their way. At least 50% of the men and women I coach tell me they doubt there are any good people left out there in the dating world. They say:
"All the good ones are taken."
"Nobody seems to want a long-term relationship anymore."
"People aren't really interested in dating; they just want to socialize."
"I can't seem to find my type of person anywhere."
And I say to them: you gotta believe or you'll just keep spinning your wheels.

The truth is: a positive attitude about your chances of finding love is KEY. Without it, you'll radiate defeatist, negative vibes. And those are not at all attractive. Here's what to do instead:
Since like attracts like, you want to focus your thoughts and feelings on the belief that you CAN and WILL find someone wonderful...so the Law of Attraction can work and you can attract that person to you.

If in your mind and heart you've given up...or you feel hopeless...or you harbor negative feelings about the opposite sex based on the last couple of disappointing relationships you had, you're sabotaging yourself. That kind of thinking will cause you to lose confidence in yourself and the dating world and to eminate "ho-hum" and "I'm no fun to be around" vibes. And people will pick those up the minute they meet you and, most likely, turn in the other direction.

So, here's my challenge to you: next time you catch yourself feeling disgusted or despondent about the quality of the people you're meeting, think about a couple you know who are happy together. Imagine yourself in their shoes. Picture being with a partner who's compatible with you. Close your eyes and FEEL what it'd be like to be held and loved by that person. Do this the next time you have hopeless or negative feelings...and the next time...and the next time. Pretty soon, you will have shifted into a more positive, confident, happy place. And from THAT place, see what you attract. You will begin to BE WHO YOU WANT TO ATTRACT. And I bet you'll start to have a lot better experiences with dating.

Drop me a note to let me know how this works for you. It worked for me right before I met Jim, and I'm hoping it works for you too! :-)

Why do so many people hate dating?

2009-11-19T16:09:00.003-05:00

I hear this all the time from the divorced and widowed men and women over 40 I work with as a coach. They dread searching online for prospects. They hate getting off the couch and going out to meet prospects in person. They dislike the drama of dating relationships that didn't work out. And, as a result, they often throw up their hands in disgust and give up on dating. It's too much work, they say...and it's no fun. Well, I couldn't disagree more.

In the 8+ years I was in the over-40 dating world after my divorce, I had a lot of fun. I had 7 or 8 relationships and had first dates with about 50 men. I went to a lot of new places, learned about professions I'd never heard of, ate at some pretty cool ethnic restaurants, discovered some fascinating things about men's psyches, and grew in remarkable ways myself. Dating was an ongoing adventure.

Sure, there were misadventures and heartaches along the way. That's just life. But it was fun being pursued and wooed. It was empowering to initiate contact with men who grabbed my interest online. And it was a huge self-esteem boost to fall in love a few times too. I don't regret any of that time spent in the dating world, and, as I look back on those years now, I can honestly say it was enriching. Sure, I'm thrilled I finally found my new husband, and I'm glad I don't have to take a chance on losing in love anymore. But, overall, it was all worth it. And, for the most part, it was an enjoyable journey.

So I invite those who say they hate dating to look at it this way: dating is more than just a means to an end. It can be a prelude to a new romance. It can be an eye-opening, real-world course in male-female relationships. And it can be the fastest path to personal growth you ever took. If you approach it with this attitude, you won't be giving off those "Dating sucks!" vibes anymore. And I guarantee that this new outlook will soon bring better people and nicer dating experiences your way. Enjoy the ride!

Where are the quality men over 60?

2009-11-13T11:52:00.005-05:00

They're online, ladies! Accomplished, attractive older women come to me more often these days wondering where to meet decent guys their age. Often, they've tried Match.com and eHarmony for many months with little success. They've gone out to singles events and found out they're 80% women. And they might've had a few meetings that just didn't wow them.

My advice: add hobby groups to the list of things you do, along with using the many dating sites for people over 50 (there are at least 10 good ones you may never have heard of), activities at senior centers (they do LOTS of fun stuff!), and other ways to meet singles in person, often through groups found at www.meetup.com. Whatever your hobby or interest, there's probably a meetup group to join. If not, start one yourself!

Happy searching!
Gayle
P.S. If you don't have time to search, I'd be happy to do it for you!

Men dating older women

2009-09-11T15:48:00.000-04:00

Why are men reluctant to consider dating women a few years older than them...especially if they have a lot in common? I'd love to hear men's views on this. I was married for 15 years, divorced at 41, and then dated for 9 years before meeting the man who'd turn out to be my 2nd husband when I was 50.

I'm in very good shape, have a ton of energy, and look years younger than I am, so I felt I'd be most compatible with a guy either my age or a bit younger. But while I was dating online at age 49 & 50, I noticed that men in their 40s weren't usually interested in responding to my e-mails (that is, until I wrote to my future husband, who was 43 at the time).

He told me he was just looking for someone he was attracted to and felt comfortable with. Is this how other men feel too? Let me hear your thoughts. I'm a dating coach now and help women have more success with dating after age 40, and they're always asking me about this phenomenon.