How to talk to strangers wherever you go

The #1 thing single people struggle with when they're out and about at both singles events and elsewhere is what to say to break the ice with a new person. Do you:
1) Ask a question?
2) Comment on something happening in the room at that time?
3) Give the person a compliment?
4) Or just walk up and introduce yourself?

The answer is YES--ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Any of these approaches will work. And none of them is all that awkward to try. The one that male dating experts advise women to use is #2--because it seems natural and friendly. Just say something lighthearted about whatever is going on nearby. For example, if you're both in line at a coffee shop and he's staring at the desserts, say "I can tell you'd love to try that muffin." Or, if you're at a party, ask "How do you know (name of host/hostess)? At a singles dance, mention that you noticed he/she hasn't danced yet.

When I was single, I used all four openers, and I got more comfortable the more I used them. To get my courage up, I asked myself: What's the worst that could happen? He could just ignore me and act like he didn't hear me. Or he could give me a weird look and walk away. In all my years of dating (nearly 9), neither of these things ever happened. Most people were polite and talked to me for a bit even if I could tell from their body language that they weren't interested.

The point is: you never know until you try. What have you got to lose? In most cases, you'll have a nice conversation. And maybe in one or two, you'll really hit if off with somebody. It's your choice: be brave...or stand around all night looking and feeling awkward.
P.S. For practice, try this first at non-singles gatherings like friends' parties or business networking events. It'll help you build courage and test out which openers get the best reception. Good luck & have fun! Today could be the day you meet a fascinating stranger! :-)

Are you saying no to the love of your life?

I just heard a great podcast with Julie Ferman (aka "Cupid's Coach) who provides matchmaking and dating coaching services to successful women looking for love. One thing in her interview really stood out: she said many women don't find the love of their life because they focus more on a man's "secondary" qualities like his height, age, job, hair, distance from her, the car he drives, and the age of his kids than they do on his "primary" qualities like values, personality, passions, respect for women, emotional IQ, parenting style, and readiness for commitment.

She said that, if she's found a great match for someone who then comes back to her after the first meeting and says "Great guy, no chemistry", she urges her to give him another chance. Then, she tells the man to plan a date that woman can't refuse--something, based on her passions, that she'd absolutely LOVE to do. Often, once the woman sees the guy again, lets him pamper her with the date of her dreams, and gets to know him better, she begins to see him in a different light. And, sometimes, a warm feeling grows between them that can make him look more attractive and appealing to her than he did at the first meeting. More times than not, she finds out he really IS a great guy who cherishes her and respects her, and love begins to bloom.

This happened to me several times during my dating years and has happened to clients and friends of mine too. Sometimes, we make a snap judgment about someone based on appearance and never give him/her a chance to show us his/her heart and soul. I can't tell you how many times a man's sense of humor, playfulness, intelligence, or laid-back manner won me over and caused me to be turned on by him...even after I'd predetermined he wasn't my physical type. Experience showed me that all 3 of these traits can be very sexy.

How about you...do you sometimes make snap judgments about potential dates based on the outer trappings of their lives rather than the inner person? If so, you could very well be passing up opportunities to forge deep, satisfying relationships with people who may turn out to be perfect for you. If this has happened to you, share your story. I'd love to hear about it! :-)

HAPPINESS IS CONTAGIOUS!

I read a great quote today that both my dating coaching and life coaching clients could benefit from:
"Anger, depression, and judging others--even the illusion of control--are all contagious. Far too often, however, we forget that HAPPINESS IS THE MOST CONTAGIOUS STATE OF MIND OF ALL."

I'm sure you've noticed how people who are smiling and happy give off vibes that rub off on those around them. If you've ever smiled back at a stranger walking down the street who smiled at you, you know how this feels. Yes, happiness and joy ARE contagious. They spread easily to anyone the happy person comes in contact with.

For singles circulating in both the world at large and singles events, this is wisdom worth noting, remembering, and putting into practice. There's nothing more "attractive" (that is, able to attract other people) than someone who's smiling and seems happy and having fun. Everyone wants to be around that person. He or she is a people magnet.

That's why my first advice to anyone seeking to attract dates and/or a long-term relationship in the dating world is to GET HAPPY YOURSELF. Create a fun-filled, rewarding life with friends, family and coworkers BEFORE you go out looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. Focus on getting all your ducks in a row and building a life of contentment. After you do that, it will be MUCH easier to attract another happy person into your life. And two happy people will always have a better connection and a smoother relationship than two miserable people (or even one happy + one miserable). It's just common sense.

My husband Jim and I both spent almost 9 years after our respective divorces redesigning our lives to be happier. Then and only then was it a good time for us to meet...so the chances of a successful relationship would be optimized. We met in June 2004 and were engaged 7 months later...all because we had each already gotten our lives and hearts to a place of peace and contentment.

How about you? Has this proven true in your life...or in the life of some couples you know who are happy together? I'd love to hear your input!

Want to stop playing the Blame Game?

Recently, I read an article that said the main reason relationships go south is that our hard wiring makes us instinctively want to offload our anxiety and stress onto others...so we wind up pointing the finger of blame at those with whom we're in close relationships because they're easy targets.

If you've ever lashed out unfairly at your spouse, significant other, or the person you're currently dating, you know all about this. The article says scapegoating like this is an ancient defense mechanism in the brain that's unconscious yet powerful. In caveman days, it was a useful survival instinct that unloaded our distracting, annoying anxiety so our fight-or-flight response would be sharper and better able to keep us alert and safe. Nowadays, though, blaming others when we're stressed out only leads to conflict.

The weird thing is: When we're stressed out and blame or criticize other people for what's out of control in our lives, we tend to believe they're somehow at fault. But, in fact, this is just our anxiety talking. Unfortunately, the other person will likely feel unjustly accused and get angry, leading to a fight or even a breakup...a breakup that could have been avoided. If the blamer understood this instinctive tendency to blame others in times of stress, he or she could have managed the anxiety somehow without taking it out on the other person...and thus preserved a great relationship.

I've caught myself playing this Blame Game with my unsuspecting, innocent-of-any-wrongdoing husband who definitely doesn't deserve to be picked on. I'm hoping this awareness of my cavewoman instinct to offload my stress on him will help me stop attacking him in the future. How about you? Think this info will come in handy in your relationships? Drop me a line to share your thoughts! :-)

Older Wives & Younger Husbands

When I was dating online in my late 40s, I had about 50 "coffee dates" with a variety of men of all ages from 8 different websites over a 14-month period. About 6 months into that 14 months, I began to realize that the men my age or younger were the ones I got along with best. They were more energetic, more likely to have kids around my kids' ages, younger at heart, and more attractive to me physically. And so, when I turned 49, I started specifying in my profile that I was seeking men age 45-50.

Prior to that, I'd been open to dating men 5 years older than me. And I certainly did have long-term relationships with a few. But, when I look back on my 9 years of post-divorce dating, I realize that 7 of the 10 men I dated during those years were younger than me. And the 3 who weren't had differences with me that were significant. (Full disclosure: my first husband was exactly the same age as me, and my current husband is 7 years younger.)

Nowadays, you see a fair amount of media coverage of the "cougar" syndrome--older women dating and marrying younger men. And I wonder why people make such a big deal about it. Age, in my opinion, is just a number. And, if we're honest, most of us will agree that the compatibility between 2 people has a LOT more to do with life experience, values, attitudes, lifestyle factors, maturity level, and philosophies of life than it does with age.

I only personally know 4 other married couples with an age gap of 3 or more years between the younger husband and older wife. Even in the 21st century--with attitudes about men, women, and relationships becoming more progressive every day--there still seems to be a societal stigma against women being older than their husbands. Why else would the word "cougar" be used...as if we ladies are animals on the prowl for young prey. I personally find the term offensive.

I'm wondering what you think. Do you know any younger husband-older wife couples? If so, do they seem well suited? Does their age gap cause any problems? Do you think the man in the relationship was more progressive than most since he was open to dating an older woman? Please drop a note and share your views...especially if you're in such a relationship yourself. I'd love to hear about your experiences!

Online Dating Profiles That Grab Attention

I've been helping women clients write profiles for a long time, and I usually keep them simple--a paragraph describing the woman's personality, values and unique qualities followed by a paragraph describing the kind of man she's most compatible with. Short and sweet...because most men tell me they don't want to read a lot online; they're more interested in a woman's photo, age and geographic proximity.

Men, on the other hand, never seek my help with profile writing...even though I make it known to them that I offer that service to save them time and trouble. Most usually go ahead and write a few sentences about themselves and hope for the best. Because these writeups are often brief, many women clients tell me they wish the guys had written more. I did too when I was dating online.

Now, however, it's come to my attention that a lot of men are taking the time to write more-detailed profiles, and some are getting pretty creative with it too. One 41-year-old Philadelphia man I met recently told me his profile is a descriptive analogy about him as if he were a book. It was clever and funny and, I'm sure, would grab a woman's attention and set him apart as more imaginative than the other guys online. Another man on Match.com wrote an amusing essay about the difference between a girl and a "grown woman" and said he preferred the latter. Again, a creative approach bound to distinguish him as an insightful, deep-thinker kind of guy with a good sense of humor.

My question is: are these guys' offbeat profiles more likely than a straightforward profile to impress the women reading them? Will they tell the ladies enough about the guy to entice them to drop him an e-mail? Or will they seem too "over the top" and not "real" enough to get a woman to take an interest and get in touch? I'm guessing that it depends on the woman reading it. But I'd LOVE to hear from both men and women online daters about this.

I'm also wondering if you've noticed that more men write these creative types of profiles than women do. Drop me a line with your observations and insights. Thanks!

GUYS: ARE WOMEN INTIMIDATING?

I can't tell you how many single, divorced, and widowed women tell me that men often find them intimidating. They say that, in their experience, many men over 40 aren't comfortable with a woman who's been independent (on her own) for a while. They sometimes feel insecure and wonder if she's "out of their league".

And here's what some guys tell me:
1)They're put off by a woman who's travelled the world or had a high-powered career because they don't think she'd look up to him or be impressed by him.
2)They're not sure how to deal with a woman who has a full, happy life because they wonder where they'd fit into her life or how they could ever feel needed by or important to her.

These are legitimate concerns, and they make sense. But do they really ring true? My guess is that, rather than intimidating, it's more the case that men find women confusing and complicated. And, if a woman has a different kind of life experience, education, or success story than they do, they're not sure how to approach her, talk to her, and impress her.

What do you think, guys? Am I totally off-base? Even close? Sort of in the ballpark? I'd love to hear your take on this...to educate myself and to help make it easier for my single women clients to understand and accept you. This sure would make dating and relating a lot easier for both men and women, wouldn't it?

Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Have you ever felt intimidated when getting to know a new woman? If so, why? And what do women need to know about you that would make things flow better in this regard?

Thanks in advance for your input!