This is the 4th in a series I began on April 15. Feel free to scroll down to find those other 3 posts (as background for this one).
IN MARRIAGE #1 (1979-1995)
My first husband Pete: In the 15 years I was married to my grad school sweetheart, I learned a lot about men, myself, and relationships. Being married, of course, I learned a lot about what love and commitment really mean. But, the most-valuable lesson Pete taught me was this: I have what it takes to be my own boss and run my own company. As with the grad school experience, being self-employed was something I’d never considered. I’d worked in two corporate jobs after school and saw myself as a “team player”—not an entrepreneur.
But, when Pete left his corporate job a year into our marriage to open his own audio-visual production company, I got a firsthand look at how to start and run a business, do the marketing needed to attract clients, and handle the accounting, tax, and financial aspects involved with being an independent contractor. And he had enough faith in my abilities to ask me to be his business partner—a huge self-esteem boost, I must say, at age 30. I assisted him with many of the above-mentioned tasks as part of the company we ran together and learned the ins and outs of operating a small company. Even more valuable, though, was what I learned about surviving the inevitable ups and downs and ebbs and flows of being an entrepreneur in fluctuating economic times.
Since I’m still an entrepreneur (now running two businesses), what I learned from Pete serves me very well today too. But it was truly life-saving back in 1995 when I left our marriage and became a single income earner again. When you’re self-employed and don’t know when your next paycheck will come, you learn to be not just flexible but also innovative, patient, and resilient. The most important things I learned were to NOT worry about cash flow and to always have a backup plan. Everything would eventually work out if I just kept networking, working hard for my current clients, contacting potential clients, and maintaining a positive outlook. And, if things didn’t work out, I’d find a full-time job.
P.S. I never had to look for a full-time job. For 16 years, things have worked out just fine.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 3
Two college professors: Speaking of self-esteem, two self-esteem-building lessons came from different male professors in my senior year of college. Within a week of each other, a professor who’d had me in several English lit classes and a prof who’d taught my film history and criticism classes told me they thought I should go to graduate school. This was something I’d never considered. Perhaps I thought I didn’t have what it took to get through grad school. After all, I was the first person in my family to even go to college. In any event, with the vote of confidence from two men I really admired, I felt confident and empowered enough to explore grad programs and ultimately earned an M.S. in Radio-TV-Film. From them, I learned that others notice your potential and your natural talents when sometimes you don’t. And it pays to take what they say to heart.
P.S. Graduate school led me to meeting my first husband AND landing my first job as a promotional writer. So I’ll be ever-indebted to those two wonderful, caring instructors who took the time to mentor me, so I could stretch myself in new directions and, ultimately, create more success than I ever envisioned personally and professionally.
P.S. Graduate school led me to meeting my first husband AND landing my first job as a promotional writer. So I’ll be ever-indebted to those two wonderful, caring instructors who took the time to mentor me, so I could stretch myself in new directions and, ultimately, create more success than I ever envisioned personally and professionally.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 2
IN MY COLLEGE YEARS…
My first boyfriend John: When I was a sophomore in college at age 19, I met my first love—a man named John. We had a ton of fun together (again, with a lot of affectionate yet sarcastic banter), and I learned about sexual love from him (and will always be grateful for what a gentle, patient teacher he was at that milestone moment in a young woman’s life!) I also learned how to cope and get stronger emotionally in a long-distance relationship (during summers away from college when the one-hour distance between our family homes limited our dates to once a week). Expressing our thoughts and feelings on the phone and in letters made this easier…and helped prepare me for another long-distance relationship I’d have 5 years later when I met my first husband.
What I remember more than anything else, though, is the two-fold lesson John taught me about selflessness and self-righteousness during our first Christmas together. I had taken quite a bit of time to carefully choose a few little gifts that I was anxious for him to open. I gave them to him that cozy winter evening with childlike glee, figuring he too would be excited about giving me whatever he’d picked out. But, when he saw my gifts, he simply said “I’m sorry; I didn’t get you anything.” I immediately teared up and felt crest-fallen. I said something about how I couldn’t believe he forgot to get me a Christmas gift, and that’s when he said “Oh, Gayle, I was only joking; of course, I got you something.” Though we’d always had a playful relationship, for some reason it didn’t cross my mind that he was kidding around, and I didn’t find this particular joke funny. In addition, I was embarrassed because he made me feel guilty for sounding selfish.
So, the lesson was this: Christmas is a time for giving; it’s not about receiving. And, from that moment on, I made a conscious effort to remember that. Ever since then, I’ve taken FAR more joy from buying or making things for others and hardly ever think about what I might receive.
The second lesson came after I saw one of the two gifts John had selected for me. It was a beautiful little necklace with an owl on it, and he said with a sly grin “That’s because you think you know everything.” Again, I was crest-fallen. I knew his sarcastic comment was intended in a spirit of fun, but, underneath, I thought: “Maybe he’s trying to tell me I’m too opinionated and outspoken.” I did my best to look happy with the gift, but inside I was hurt (partly because, in those days, my self-esteem wasn’t very strong). I learned that night that sometimes people use off-handed ways to tell you things they can’t tell you directly (but really want you to know). And it was a turning point for me because it made me aware that I could sound like a “know-it-all”—and that didn’t endear me to other people. From then on, I tried to tone down my self-righteousness, something that continues to be a work in progress today.
My first boyfriend John: When I was a sophomore in college at age 19, I met my first love—a man named John. We had a ton of fun together (again, with a lot of affectionate yet sarcastic banter), and I learned about sexual love from him (and will always be grateful for what a gentle, patient teacher he was at that milestone moment in a young woman’s life!) I also learned how to cope and get stronger emotionally in a long-distance relationship (during summers away from college when the one-hour distance between our family homes limited our dates to once a week). Expressing our thoughts and feelings on the phone and in letters made this easier…and helped prepare me for another long-distance relationship I’d have 5 years later when I met my first husband.
What I remember more than anything else, though, is the two-fold lesson John taught me about selflessness and self-righteousness during our first Christmas together. I had taken quite a bit of time to carefully choose a few little gifts that I was anxious for him to open. I gave them to him that cozy winter evening with childlike glee, figuring he too would be excited about giving me whatever he’d picked out. But, when he saw my gifts, he simply said “I’m sorry; I didn’t get you anything.” I immediately teared up and felt crest-fallen. I said something about how I couldn’t believe he forgot to get me a Christmas gift, and that’s when he said “Oh, Gayle, I was only joking; of course, I got you something.” Though we’d always had a playful relationship, for some reason it didn’t cross my mind that he was kidding around, and I didn’t find this particular joke funny. In addition, I was embarrassed because he made me feel guilty for sounding selfish.
So, the lesson was this: Christmas is a time for giving; it’s not about receiving. And, from that moment on, I made a conscious effort to remember that. Ever since then, I’ve taken FAR more joy from buying or making things for others and hardly ever think about what I might receive.
The second lesson came after I saw one of the two gifts John had selected for me. It was a beautiful little necklace with an owl on it, and he said with a sly grin “That’s because you think you know everything.” Again, I was crest-fallen. I knew his sarcastic comment was intended in a spirit of fun, but, underneath, I thought: “Maybe he’s trying to tell me I’m too opinionated and outspoken.” I did my best to look happy with the gift, but inside I was hurt (partly because, in those days, my self-esteem wasn’t very strong). I learned that night that sometimes people use off-handed ways to tell you things they can’t tell you directly (but really want you to know). And it was a turning point for me because it made me aware that I could sound like a “know-it-all”—and that didn’t endear me to other people. From then on, I tried to tone down my self-righteousness, something that continues to be a work in progress today.
Friday, April 15, 2011
LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MEN
This is the first of a series of pieces I'll post on this topic over the next week or so. I hope you enjoy them. I look forward to hearing your feedback...
Have you ever thought about the people from whom you learned the most in your life? And, if so, were most of your greatest teachers women or men? As I look back on my 57 years on the planet, the list of males who taught me life-transforming lessons is definitely longer than the list of females.
Maybe this is because we don’t think of our fellow women as teachers (even though the majority of grade-school instructors for Baby Boomers like me were females). In my case, I think I tend to take for granted the words of wisdom imparted by my mom, girlfriends, sisters, and female coworkers, colleagues, professors, and bosses because women tend to share these types of conversations amongst themselves all the time. We’re always learning valuable little tidbits from each other, but, as I’m writing this, not many things I’ve learned from women stand out as earth-shatteringly profound.
When it comes to men, however, I’ve noticed that many of the lessons I learned from them DO stand out and have made a deep impression. Interestingly, most of what they taught me was not from their words but, rather, from their actions, role-modeling, the experiences I shared with them, the support they gave me, or the outcomes of the interactions I had with them.
IN MY YOUTH…
My brother Tony: In the early years, I think I learned the most from my brother Tony. He was 6½ years younger than me, so I was asked to play the role of “Mommy’s helper” for many years. From that experience, I learned not just the logistics of caretaking but the purity of love. I felt for him like most mothers feel about their children: protective, deeply connected, and very caring. But, because he looked up to me as his oldest sibling, I also learned what it felt like to be admired and respected.
Tony and I had a really special relationship based on laughing at the same goofy TV shows, a love of the outdoors, a sarcastic way of bantering back and forth and teasing each other, and an ability to call each other on the carpet for our idiosyncracies. We even wrote funny letters to each other when he was in college in the mid-70s. And he walked me down the aisle when I married the first time in 1979 (since my dad had died in 1975)—a bittersweet memory, since Tony himself died in a head-on car collision just 6 months later when he was barely 20.
Shortly after that, I learned another valuable lesson from Tony, when a teddy bear he had given me seemed to speak my name in his voice one rainy night while I sat reading in bed. The lesson: love is eternal; the soul lives on. Those who loved you will always be with you, even after passing away from the earth. Later, with the help of a medium, I got other messages from Tony—that he was alright, at peace, and wanted to help me any way he could. His enduring love—and just knowing he was there for me whenever I needed him—sustained me through many rough times in life after that (especially as I struggled during and after my separation). And I truly believe my prayers to Tony and my Dad (my angels on “the other side”) helped bring my second husband Jim into my life at age 50, after many frustrating years of post-divorce dating.
Have you ever thought about the people from whom you learned the most in your life? And, if so, were most of your greatest teachers women or men? As I look back on my 57 years on the planet, the list of males who taught me life-transforming lessons is definitely longer than the list of females.
Maybe this is because we don’t think of our fellow women as teachers (even though the majority of grade-school instructors for Baby Boomers like me were females). In my case, I think I tend to take for granted the words of wisdom imparted by my mom, girlfriends, sisters, and female coworkers, colleagues, professors, and bosses because women tend to share these types of conversations amongst themselves all the time. We’re always learning valuable little tidbits from each other, but, as I’m writing this, not many things I’ve learned from women stand out as earth-shatteringly profound.
When it comes to men, however, I’ve noticed that many of the lessons I learned from them DO stand out and have made a deep impression. Interestingly, most of what they taught me was not from their words but, rather, from their actions, role-modeling, the experiences I shared with them, the support they gave me, or the outcomes of the interactions I had with them.
IN MY YOUTH…
My brother Tony: In the early years, I think I learned the most from my brother Tony. He was 6½ years younger than me, so I was asked to play the role of “Mommy’s helper” for many years. From that experience, I learned not just the logistics of caretaking but the purity of love. I felt for him like most mothers feel about their children: protective, deeply connected, and very caring. But, because he looked up to me as his oldest sibling, I also learned what it felt like to be admired and respected.
Tony and I had a really special relationship based on laughing at the same goofy TV shows, a love of the outdoors, a sarcastic way of bantering back and forth and teasing each other, and an ability to call each other on the carpet for our idiosyncracies. We even wrote funny letters to each other when he was in college in the mid-70s. And he walked me down the aisle when I married the first time in 1979 (since my dad had died in 1975)—a bittersweet memory, since Tony himself died in a head-on car collision just 6 months later when he was barely 20.
Shortly after that, I learned another valuable lesson from Tony, when a teddy bear he had given me seemed to speak my name in his voice one rainy night while I sat reading in bed. The lesson: love is eternal; the soul lives on. Those who loved you will always be with you, even after passing away from the earth. Later, with the help of a medium, I got other messages from Tony—that he was alright, at peace, and wanted to help me any way he could. His enduring love—and just knowing he was there for me whenever I needed him—sustained me through many rough times in life after that (especially as I struggled during and after my separation). And I truly believe my prayers to Tony and my Dad (my angels on “the other side”) helped bring my second husband Jim into my life at age 50, after many frustrating years of post-divorce dating.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
ATTRACT WHAT YOU WANT
You've probably heard the expression "BE who you want to attract" (based on the universal Law of Attraction, which says that like attracts like). The concept is that, in order to attract a fun, well-balanced, emotionally secure person, you need to be those 3 things. When you're in a positive place, you attract positive people and experiences; when you're in a negative place, you tend to find negative people and experiences coming into your life.
What I found in my dating years and continue to notice today is that "what I focus on expands." If I focus on what's going wrong or what I don't have in my life (by complaining or thinking too much about my problems or challenges), things continue to go wrong. I don't seem to get what I want.
Here's an example: As a dating coach, I ask clients to write down their "partner vision" -- the qualities and character traits they are most attracted to and feel compatible with in a partner. Sometimes, though, they haven't given this enough thought and send me instead a list of what they DON'T want (often based on the qualities of the partner from the last failed relationship they were in). It's a case of "I don't know what I want, but I definitely know what I don't want." The problem with this is that their thoughts and emotions are focused on those things they don't want, rather than on what they desire instead.
So, here's how to turn that around so you can focus on what you DO want (whether in a partner, a new job, your finances, your living situation, your free time, or whatever)and be more likely to draw that into your life:
Take that list of what you don't want and draw 2 columns; in the first, you'll put that list, and then, next to each item in the 2nd column, you'll write the opposite of that. Voila! You have a list of what you desire--what is more of a fit for you. Now, all you have to do is FOCUS on that list in the right column. Throw away the negative list and keep a copy of the positive list in a place you're likely to see it throughout the day. Read the entire list a couple times a day and envision each of those "best-case scenarios" actually happening in your life. Imagine them in complete detail and let yourself daydream about them as often as you can. Soon, they'll begin to feel real, believable, and achievable.
For some reason, we humans tend to imagine "worst-case scenarios" a lot more than best case. Why is this? Don't we feel worthy to have what we desire? Or do we just think we're being unrealistic dreamers? It doesn't really matter. The point is that we can stop this type of thinking, shift our focus, and begin to attract into our lives the things we focus on. We just need to make up our minds to make that shift and keep that promise to ourselves day after day, week after week.
An excellent book I'm using as the basis of a monthly motivational group I run is The Passion Test; it says that, in order to attract what you want, you need to set an INTENTION, put ATTENTION on it (the focus I've been talking about), and then come from a place of NO TENSION (without worrying about how it'll manifest in your life..but continuing to believe that it will), so it can flow naturally to you with the help of the Law of Attraction. I've done this in my life many times, and it really works!
How about you? Are you attracting what you want? Or are you focusing too much on what you don't have or don't want by complaining about your current situation (ie, feeling like a victim)? I'd love to hear your stories and/or your feedback.
What I found in my dating years and continue to notice today is that "what I focus on expands." If I focus on what's going wrong or what I don't have in my life (by complaining or thinking too much about my problems or challenges), things continue to go wrong. I don't seem to get what I want.
Here's an example: As a dating coach, I ask clients to write down their "partner vision" -- the qualities and character traits they are most attracted to and feel compatible with in a partner. Sometimes, though, they haven't given this enough thought and send me instead a list of what they DON'T want (often based on the qualities of the partner from the last failed relationship they were in). It's a case of "I don't know what I want, but I definitely know what I don't want." The problem with this is that their thoughts and emotions are focused on those things they don't want, rather than on what they desire instead.
So, here's how to turn that around so you can focus on what you DO want (whether in a partner, a new job, your finances, your living situation, your free time, or whatever)and be more likely to draw that into your life:
Take that list of what you don't want and draw 2 columns; in the first, you'll put that list, and then, next to each item in the 2nd column, you'll write the opposite of that. Voila! You have a list of what you desire--what is more of a fit for you. Now, all you have to do is FOCUS on that list in the right column. Throw away the negative list and keep a copy of the positive list in a place you're likely to see it throughout the day. Read the entire list a couple times a day and envision each of those "best-case scenarios" actually happening in your life. Imagine them in complete detail and let yourself daydream about them as often as you can. Soon, they'll begin to feel real, believable, and achievable.
For some reason, we humans tend to imagine "worst-case scenarios" a lot more than best case. Why is this? Don't we feel worthy to have what we desire? Or do we just think we're being unrealistic dreamers? It doesn't really matter. The point is that we can stop this type of thinking, shift our focus, and begin to attract into our lives the things we focus on. We just need to make up our minds to make that shift and keep that promise to ourselves day after day, week after week.
An excellent book I'm using as the basis of a monthly motivational group I run is The Passion Test; it says that, in order to attract what you want, you need to set an INTENTION, put ATTENTION on it (the focus I've been talking about), and then come from a place of NO TENSION (without worrying about how it'll manifest in your life..but continuing to believe that it will), so it can flow naturally to you with the help of the Law of Attraction. I've done this in my life many times, and it really works!
How about you? Are you attracting what you want? Or are you focusing too much on what you don't have or don't want by complaining about your current situation (ie, feeling like a victim)? I'd love to hear your stories and/or your feedback.
Monday, March 21, 2011
DATING IS EASY WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THE OPPOSITE SEX
The more you know about the opposite sex, the easier it will be to date. Seems obvious, right? Yet, many singles only know what they've learned from past relationships...and, unfortunately, a lot of that is based on negative experiences that leave a bad taste in their mouths. "Relationship Communication 101" wasn't part of their school curriculum.
You've heard it a million times: A key difference between men and women is communication style. And so it's not surprising that communication issues are one of the top reasons for breakups. Misunderstandings lead to defensiveness and anger. And yet how many of us take the time to examine the obstacles in the way of good communication, learn to communicate better, and then put what we learned into practice in dating and relating?
The bottom line: if we just took the time to understand each other's thought processes and motivations better, we could avoid the misunderstandings that drive a wedge between us and cause detachment and stalemate. How can we "talk things out" when we don't know how to talk to each other so we're heard and understood?
My husband and I are total opposites in the way we communicate: I'm the extreme extrovert who's comfortable opening up about every detail of my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. He's the extreme introvert who's very UNCOMFORTABLE verbalizing in general (much less about his thoughts and feelings), so discussing our relationship is torturous and difficult for him. The shorter such discussions are, the better, from his point of view. This, of course, is frustrating for me, because I feel pressured to express everything I want to say in 20 minutes or less, and that's hard for me (since I tend to be verbose).
What would make things easier? Well, relationship coaching for us and self-esteem-related therapy for me have given us the answer: I need to be quiet, listen, and give him the time to express himself and also refrain from correcting his choice of words or judging him in any way. He, in turn, needs to somehow (through the written word or physical touch) express his affection and show me that he's there for me so I'll feel secure. In short, we each have to understand and accept the other's emotional and psychological needs and modify our behaviors to reflect that.
Recently, we've done this and come to a new, healthier place in our relationship. I feel closer; he feels safer. And we're both happier.
What about you? Does this ring true for you in your relationships? I'd love to hear your comments.
You've heard it a million times: A key difference between men and women is communication style. And so it's not surprising that communication issues are one of the top reasons for breakups. Misunderstandings lead to defensiveness and anger. And yet how many of us take the time to examine the obstacles in the way of good communication, learn to communicate better, and then put what we learned into practice in dating and relating?
The bottom line: if we just took the time to understand each other's thought processes and motivations better, we could avoid the misunderstandings that drive a wedge between us and cause detachment and stalemate. How can we "talk things out" when we don't know how to talk to each other so we're heard and understood?
My husband and I are total opposites in the way we communicate: I'm the extreme extrovert who's comfortable opening up about every detail of my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. He's the extreme introvert who's very UNCOMFORTABLE verbalizing in general (much less about his thoughts and feelings), so discussing our relationship is torturous and difficult for him. The shorter such discussions are, the better, from his point of view. This, of course, is frustrating for me, because I feel pressured to express everything I want to say in 20 minutes or less, and that's hard for me (since I tend to be verbose).
What would make things easier? Well, relationship coaching for us and self-esteem-related therapy for me have given us the answer: I need to be quiet, listen, and give him the time to express himself and also refrain from correcting his choice of words or judging him in any way. He, in turn, needs to somehow (through the written word or physical touch) express his affection and show me that he's there for me so I'll feel secure. In short, we each have to understand and accept the other's emotional and psychological needs and modify our behaviors to reflect that.
Recently, we've done this and come to a new, healthier place in our relationship. I feel closer; he feels safer. And we're both happier.
What about you? Does this ring true for you in your relationships? I'd love to hear your comments.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The pitfalls of the online dating "fantasy world"
Often, when people first start dating online, they get caught up in fantasizing about someone they've seen on the Internet. They're atttracted to the person's photo, think they have a lot in common with each other, and begin picturing themselves in a relationship. This is a dangerous habit to get into.
Because the dating sites now let you monitor how many people have "browsed" your photo, you can get the false sense that dozens of people are actually into you as a person, rather than just your appearance. Then, if that person "winks" at you, you may jump to the conclusion they really do want to get to know you. Be careful about such assumptions. The truth is: a "wink" is a lazy person's way of flirting without having to take the time to write a full, personalized email. He or she is simply saying your photo grabbed his/her attention. No more than that.
It makes no sense (and can be very self-sabotaging) to become infatuated with someone who hasn't taken the time to write you an actual email that mentions something impressive or remarkable about you. In the sender's mind, you're likely to be one of 10 or 20 computer photos he/she winked at that day...not a real flesh-and-blood person with whom to start a relationship. The person is a "kid in a candy store" sending out feelers but not necessarily ready to keep the communication going if those receiving them write back and want to take things to the next level.
Sure, there are some sincere, down-to-earth people online looking for serious relationships. And you can find them if you screen prospects well on email and on the phone. I'm not saying you can't meet some wonderful people for dating. I did, and I married him more than 5 years ago.
What I AM saying is be aware. Know that the larger the dating site, the greater the percentage of possible "cruisers" there'll be (people who enjoy casually browsing nice photos with no intention of actually meeting those folks and very little interest in a long-term relationship). Don't get your hopes up about everyone who contacts you. It could turn out to be no more than a fantasy.
Instead, carefully read the profiles and write ONLY to the people who really wow you and have most of the character traits and values you prefer in a partner. Don't sit back and wait for others to write to you. Take charge and do the choosing yourself. That's what I did, and it worked out great!
Because the dating sites now let you monitor how many people have "browsed" your photo, you can get the false sense that dozens of people are actually into you as a person, rather than just your appearance. Then, if that person "winks" at you, you may jump to the conclusion they really do want to get to know you. Be careful about such assumptions. The truth is: a "wink" is a lazy person's way of flirting without having to take the time to write a full, personalized email. He or she is simply saying your photo grabbed his/her attention. No more than that.
It makes no sense (and can be very self-sabotaging) to become infatuated with someone who hasn't taken the time to write you an actual email that mentions something impressive or remarkable about you. In the sender's mind, you're likely to be one of 10 or 20 computer photos he/she winked at that day...not a real flesh-and-blood person with whom to start a relationship. The person is a "kid in a candy store" sending out feelers but not necessarily ready to keep the communication going if those receiving them write back and want to take things to the next level.
Sure, there are some sincere, down-to-earth people online looking for serious relationships. And you can find them if you screen prospects well on email and on the phone. I'm not saying you can't meet some wonderful people for dating. I did, and I married him more than 5 years ago.
What I AM saying is be aware. Know that the larger the dating site, the greater the percentage of possible "cruisers" there'll be (people who enjoy casually browsing nice photos with no intention of actually meeting those folks and very little interest in a long-term relationship). Don't get your hopes up about everyone who contacts you. It could turn out to be no more than a fantasy.
Instead, carefully read the profiles and write ONLY to the people who really wow you and have most of the character traits and values you prefer in a partner. Don't sit back and wait for others to write to you. Take charge and do the choosing yourself. That's what I did, and it worked out great!
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