We Must Heal From Past Love to Open to New Love

In my experience with both coaching and dating, I've found that one of the most-common reasons people can't attract healthy new relationships is that they haven't yet healed from an old one.

While navigating the 5 stages of grieving the loss of my last relationship, I've been soul-searching and struggling for ways to make the process easier and faster, even though I know I can't rush it. I have to take the time to sit with the feelings and gradually release the love I had for that person...so my heart will be completely open to somebody new.

My roots as a writer date back to 1965 when, at age 12, I wrote my first poem. Since then, I've written poetry at times when I had deep emotions I needed to express. It was always a helpful, therapeutic release. This poem is what came out when I sat down this afternoon to express my feelings about the relationship I ended 3 months ago today:

                               Ghosts
Spirits from our past who won't move on
Thinking it comforts us to have them near

Lovers from our past we can't let go
Wishing we'd forget them yet paralyzed by fear

Attachments of the heart...stronger than time
Keep spirits trapped on earth, lovers drowned in tears

Your head said you'd grieved the sudden loss of your wife
But your heart won't release her and open to new love in your life

So she stayed by your side and pushed others away
You tried to love again but could not find a way

Then, not just your heart was broken; mine was too 
But I've now forgiven you for what you didn't intend to do

Perhaps one day she'll move forward and into the "Light"
But I am long gone, exhausted from that fight

We each had our ghosts we hoped to leave behind
so we could attract the love we'd been yearning to find

Peace to you, old friend, may your heart soon be free
of the spirit whose embrace kept you from loving me.

Why Do Baby Boomer Men Resist Dating Older Women?

Just about every woman over 45 who hires me for dating coaching asks the same question: "Why won't men consider dating women around their age? They all seem to want women 10-15 years younger." And my reply is always the same: "If a man is attracted to you, your age isn't the #1 concern. Post a great photo of yourself on your profile and write to men you think are compatible with you. You'll be surprised at how many will write back, even if you're a few years older."

This has been true in my dating life. Of the 17 men I've had relationships with in the 41 years since my first love at age 19, 53% (9) have been younger, 23% (4) have been the same age, and 23% (4) have been older. My second husband was 43 when I met him at age 50, but there was a lot of commonality because we'd been divorced about the same length of time, our kids were similar ages, and we shared several hobbies. He told me age wasn't an issue for him; he just wanted to date someone he was attracted to and felt comfortable with.

I think this is generally true of most people in the dating world. When you meet in person rather than online, people don't know your age. So they chat with you if they feel attracted in some way...period. So why do midlife daters fixate so much on age?

Well, there are many reasons women tell me about. A common one is a preference for healthy men who won't need someone to take care of them; and they figure younger men are more likely to be healthy and energetic enough to want to go out and do things, travel, and enjoy life. The reasons men tell me they care about a woman's age is that younger women are prettier/sexier and more likely to look up to them and help them feel needed and important. These are generalities, of course. But some 2014 research seems to concur:

A recent article in Etc. Magazine cited OKCupid statistics that showed that 40-year-old men are most attracted to 21-year-old women, while 40-year-old women are most attracted to 38-year-old men. Quite an age gap! The website's studies showed that men in their mid-40s rarely messaged women over 30, and many of them continually date women 10 years younger. However, the data also showed that, eventually, their tactics started to fail, since the younger women they messaged rejected them by not writing back.

The result, the article said, is "a lot of 40-year-old men and women who find it hard to get a date." Sad, in my opinion, to let age be such an important factor in choosing dates. After all, it's really just a number. You're as young as you feel and act. I know a lot of women my age (60) who are in great shape, very active, sexy, healthy, fascinating, and fun. And I also know active men my age who are in good shape, dynamic, interesting, and on the go.

I'll admit that I shy away from men more than a year or two older than me because I've found over the years that men older than me were more likely to be sedentary and less interested in trying new things. However, the 4 men I did date who were older didn't fit that stereotype, so I now try to be more open minded about age. 

How about you? How has the age factor played out for you in the dating world? I'd love to hear your stories!

Biggest Mistakes Women Make When Dating

Women often blame themselves when things don't work out in the dating world--often to a fault. In such cases, I tell them to stop beating themselves up and sometimes even refer them to therapy for self-esteem building. On the other hand, sometimes it's true that women could have been smarter about dating. 

Steve Harvey, comedian, author, TV personality, and one of my favorite male writers on the topic of relationships (because he presents the man's perspective in a clear, easy-to-understand, lighthearted way), gets it right in my opinion on the biggest mistakes women make when dating:
1) They don't ask the right questions early on to find out if their date is compatible with them. Harvey says, that by date #3, a woman should have learned these 5 things about the man she's seeing:
- his short-term goals
- his long-term goals
- his views on relationships
- what he thinks about her
- what he feels about her 
2) They don't have clear standards and requirements in terms of what they want and need from men. Harvey says it's critical that a man know what it'll take to win a particular woman over, and she needs to tell him this directly. If she doesn't, she may allow herself to be disrespected, and no man is interested in a long-term partnership with a woman who doesn't respect herself.
3) Staying more than 6 months with a man who doesn't yet refer to her as his "girlfriend". According to Harvey, it takes far less time than that for a man to know if he sees himself with you long term. If, after 6 months, he's still introducing you to others as his "friend," he doesn't envision a future with you.
4) Getting intimate with a man before you know if he's right for you. As Harvey explains, if you sleep with a man too early, he won't respect you from then on because he believes you don't respect yourself and will let him get away with anything he wants. In other words, you have no dignity or confidence.
5) Letting him set the pace of the relationship instead of you. Harvey says a man who really likes you wants to please you and doesn't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. So it's important that you say no to anything he suggests that doesn't feel right for you. 
6) Not allowing him to provide for you and protect you. Letting him pay for the date, open doors, pull out chairs, and help you in whatever way he can are things men want to do for women...and that make them feel more like men. Today's independent woman needs to let a man be a man.
7) Ignoring warning signs that show he's not really into you. Harvey advises a woman to move onto someone else if the man she's dating:
- doesn't pay attention to her feelings
- lies to her repeatedly
- cheats on her or has cheated on others in the past
- doesn't show an interest in listening closely to what she's saying
8) Expecting her love to be returned in exactly the same way she gives it out. Harvey says that men show their love in different ways than women, mostly through actions rather than words.

As a 60-year-old woman who's twice divorced (as is Harvey), I find it helpful to hear dating tips from a guy who's learned from his mistakes and sincerely wants to spare women the pain of making similar ones themselves. And I have to admit I've made most of these mistakes in more than a few relationships. 

How about you? Do these 8 suggestions resonate with you? I'd love to hear your views!

Your Efforts to Understand the Opposite Sex Will Pay Off!

I just finished reading an excellent book called Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How we're different and what to do about it by Allan and Barbara Pease (published in 2000). What an eye opener!

The book describes the biological and evolutionary reasons for the differences between men and women in an entertaining, never clinical and boring, way. It goes far beyond the "cavemen were hunters; cavewomen were gatherers" thing we always hear. It calls men "lunch-chasers" and women "nest-defenders" and clearly explains that, because our modern brains are still wired that way, we differ in many essential ways we will never be able to change. 

Here are just a few of the hundreds of basic differences between men and women outlined in the book:

1) Men are stimulated through their eyes; women are stimulated through their ears.

2) Men want power, achievement, and sex; women want relationships, stability, and love.

3) A man's biological job is to find as many healthy females as possible and help them conceive to preserve the species; a woman's biological role is to bear children and find a partner who will stick around long enough to raise them. 

4) Men's sexual turn-ons are pornography, female nudity, sexual variety, lingerie, and the woman's availability; women's sexual turn-ons are romance, commitment, communication, intimacy, and nonsexual touching.

5) Men's private sexual fantasy is sex with a stranger; women's private sexual fantasy is sex in a public place.

6) Men solve their problems/handle their stress using internal talk and need peace and quiet to do that; women solve their problems/handle their stress using external talk and want others to talk with them. Unfortunately, both genders think the other is like them when, in truth, they are opposites.

Just by understanding these 6 biological facts and putting this knowledge into practice in their male-female relationships, I bet most of today's couples would find it a lot easier accept each other...and, as a result, would be a lot happier. What do you think?

P.S. I highly recommend picking up this book. You'll find it a fun & fascinating read that, I'm sure, will improve your relationships.

"Chemistry" Is Much More Than Sexual Attraction

Ask single men or women the definition of "chemistry" and they'll usually say it's an instantaneous mutual physical attraction--feeling drawn to or warm toward someone. And they'll say it's mostly about that person's looks. Either the person is visually appealing to them or not.

I'm not so sure. My experience in over 40 years of dating and relationships, as well as studies done by social scientists, psychologists, and other experts I read, show that chemistry is about much more than a sexual "spark."

Webster's dictionary defines it as "a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy" (sympathy meaning an inclination to think or feel alike). Notice there's no mention of physical appearance. The true definition of chemistry involves two humans having similar thoughts and feelings, what I would call "a meeting of the minds and hearts." It's not just a physical reaction in your body or libido but about the impact that your heart and mind have on the body.

Think about this example: Haven't you, like me, had experiences where you weren't initially attracted to someone's body type but then noticed the flame of desire after he took your hand? Or you found yourself warming up to the person once you got talking? You agreed with his ideas and felt a kinship. He told you of his heartbreaks, and you empathized. He made you laugh, and you were compelled to hug him. He made great eye contact with you as you spoke, and you felt a really cool connection. It's hard to explain, but it happens naturally and organically and sometimes surprisingly as we share more conversation and laughter with other people...when we open up and reveal fears, insecurities, and other usually hidden truths.

You know how great it is, right? When you're invited and welcomed into someone's inner world and begin to feel a sense of belonging, like you're looking into a mirror and having your own thoughts and feelings reflected back? And soon you see that person (who initially wasn't your physical "type") with brand new eyes and in a whole new way.

They say the eyes are the "windows to the soul." So, if you're looking for a soulful connection with someone that's more than just skin deep, I recommend giving a fellow human the gift of eye contact. Listen with your heart. Notice the ways your minds mesh and the commonality of the wavelength you're each on. And then be open to the possibility of sparks flying. Don't overthink it or have any expectations. Let your heart lead the way.

The Question of Marrying Again After Divorce(s)

I was 51 the second time I got married. Now I'm 58 and divorced about 4 months after that nearly-7-year marriage ended amicably. Believe it or not, you can now get an uncontested divorce using paperwork downloaded from the Internet and without using lawyers. It can be completed in under 4 months for just a few hundred dollars. The state of Pennsylvania (where I live) makes it that easy to legally end a partnership...at least one between older spouses with no child custody issues to address. And my first divorce was fairly effortless as well, completed in about 8 months, even though we had children ages 4 and 9 and had lawyers look over our final agreement. So, why have I not been absolutely sure I'd want to get married again? I'm a commitment-type person who truly believes in the kind of deep connection that marriage embodies and in being faithful to one special person. As a hopeless romantic, it warms my heart to see the beautiful bond that can grow and blossom over the years between spouses--something I'd really love to experience, since neither of my marriages was like that. And, as my own past has shown me, it's not that challenging or traumatizing to get a divorce if you handle it in an amicable way. So what am I really feeling? Well, I've been soul-searching about this question recently, and I've come to a conclusion: I think I'm having a knee-jerk reaction to those 2 experiences where the state told me what the standard "rules" were about dissolving a marriage even though every marriage and every couple is different. And there's a part of me that rebels against that. Yet, thinking back on it, I realize that my former spouses and I actually did navigate the divorce process in our own unique way, rather than the state's way. The first time, we wrote our own agreement without lawyers. The second time, we used no lawyers at all. So what issue am I really grappling with? I'm not entirely sure. But, lately, I'm wondering if my reluctance to embrace the idea of marriage has reflected not rebelliousness or the fear of another divorce...but a deeper fear of not trusting my own judgment in choosing a spouse...and then having to live through the heartbreak of another long-term committed relationship ending, where in the eyes of society, I'm again a "divorcee"--a role that makes me somewhat ashamed. Today, I notice that my heart and mind are asking: "What if I find a man who feels strongly about being married and, for various reasons, prefers that over living together?" Would I be open to marrying again? The answer I'm now leaning toward is "yes". After my first marriage, I was SURE I wanted to get married again to see if I could be smarter and more successful the second time around. I guess part of me felt like I'd failed, and I wanted to prove to myself I could "get it right". This time, it's not about that. It's about wanting to be SO sure I'm with the right person--a real "soul mate connection"--that I deeply feel we're already married in our hearts. That, I believe, would spur me to want to be married in the eyes of society too. My mom and her 3rd husband Bob are a good example of that type of marriage. They were both raised Catholic and are daily churchgoers who value the "sacrament" of marriage, and each was widowed twice. After his second wife died, Bob (who knew my mom over 40 years because he was a high school friend of her first husband--my dad--and also our family's dentist)asked my sister where my mom was living, and they started dating. Five months later, at ages 72 and 78, they were married. And they are one of the happiest couples I know. It's truly heart-warming to see them together. As I tell my dating coaching clients all the time, it can happen at any age, so never say never. Now, I'm feeling more ready to envision such a magical and wonderful partnership(and yes, marriage) for myself. I can even envision being married for the rest of my life (which, if I live into my late 80s, would be 30 years--almost twice as long as my first marriage!)How cool is that?! If you're divorced one or more times, I'd love to hear your take on this!

Still wondering if he's really into you?

You've probably heard about the 2004 book for single women He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys written by a man and woman who scripted the "Sex and the City" TV series. I highly recommend this book because it is a no-nonsense look at how to tell if a man is really interested in dating you and having a long-term relationship with you. Here are the "he's really into you" signs discussed in the book: 1) He asks you out on a date soon after meeting you. 2) He calls you frequently just to talk. 3) He wants to go out with you regularly and plans fun dates. 4) He can't keep his eyes and hands off you (likes to be affectionate). 5) He wants to have sex with you but only when you're ready. 6) He does not want to have sex with other people too. 7) He's emotionally available (not married or getting over a past relationship). What I know from coaching single women for the last 6 years is that they actually already know all these signs of a man who's really into them, but--more often than not--they wind up settling for or endlessly analyzing the confusing behavior of men who don't give them these signs. In other words, they spend too much time hoping men will show these signs or make excuses for them if they don't... rather than facing the fact it's time to move on and find other men who really ARE into them. Why do women do this? In my opinion, there are 4 major reasons: 1) They don't really believe they're pretty enough/good enough/fascinating enough to attract a fabulous guy who is truly interested in them as a person (it always amazes me how much self-doubt and low self-esteem many gorgeous, accomplished, fun-to-be-with women feel inside.) 2) They are socially "programmed" to want to please men, so they focus too much on being what guys want in a woman rather than figuring out and striving for what they want in a man. As a result, even though they all want to be "wooed" and treated as the special creatures they are, they don't expect (much less ask for) that because, deep down, they're not sure they deserve it and don't believe he'd provide it. 3) They are so impatient that they attempt to control the pre-dating process by making all the first moves (being too anxious or assertive), thus not allowing men to experience one of the most fun, rewarding parts of dating: winning a woman over. 4) They have an unfounded belief that "all the good ones are taken" and thus resign themselves to finding someone who's "good enough" rather than truly wonderful. In these cases, women will accept far less attention than they desire (and sometimes even poor treatment) because they're not sure they could find another man who wants to be with them. It's really sad to hear the women I coach having so little confidence in their ability to attract a really great guy who's totally mesmerized by them. Even sadder, when such a guy does come into their life, they find it hard to trust that he's sincere. They either don't feel worthy of his adoration/affection or they wonder if he's a "player." The wind up being overly cautious, even mistrusting, and relationships aren't allowed to unfold naturally as men attempt to get to know them better. If you're one of these women (or a man who's been disappointed in relationships with such women), let me know. I'd love to help. And please share your stories on this topic in return post. Happy dating!