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In 1995--20 years ago already--Daniel Goldman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ was published. It's a fascinating look at how being aware of and able to manage our emotions (while also being sensitive to others' emotions) can help us in life and relationships (both professional and personal).
I've been re-reading the book recently and find that it makes a lot of points that are helpful for people in the dating world:
- People with a high EQ are more satisfied, better with people & more optimistic
- Those with a high EQ are cool, confident & see themselves as worthy
- High-EQ people are self-reliant & dependable as well as happier & healthier than others
Imagine how much easier a relationship with a partner who has qualities like these would be!
Research also shows that someone with a high EQ is better able to resolve conflict because he/she:
- is good at handling & defusing negative emotions
- is able to control his/her anger & so remains calm & tries to reason with the other person
- takes the time to understand what he/she is feeling & works with it
- is less likely to freeze, go to pieces, or regress under stress/doesn't crack under pressure
- takes full responsibility for his/her feelings & doesn't blame the other person for them
- embraces challenges & acts fast to solve problems
- is very empathetic & able to see things through others' eyes
Imagine too how skills like these would make it easier to discuss and overcome relationship problems more quickly and with less drama!
I know that, in my relationships over the years, dating/relating with someone who was in touch with and able to express his emotions and also validate/empathize with mine helped us communicate better, fostering the understanding and compassion that helped us reduce or even prevent arguments...making things flow much more smoothly. But, sadly, finding people with a high EQ isn't easy (which is why I feel blessed to be dating someone now who does have this very desirable quality!)
If you want to be in such a relationship, there's good news: a person CAN raise his/her EQ! Here are 3 ways to do it, according to psychologists:
1) Increase your self-awareness of both your strengths & your weaknesses. Limitations aren't viewed as shortcomings for someone with high emotional intelligence, so he/she strives to gain knowledge & insight into these and to see them as opportunities for self-growth and reaching outside his/her comfort zone to become a better person. I know that both I and the man I'm dating have done a lot of personal growth work over the years, which is a huge help for increasing self-awareness.
2) Practice acknowledging & managing your emotions. Rather than being reactive, try to be proactive about monitoring what you feel and keeping negative emotions in check. You can do this by listening to and recognizing others' feelings, even when you disagree with them. Step back to process whatever comes up in an appropriate way. This doesn't mean denying you have anger, fear, shame or other negative feelings; it just means learning how and when to express them in a nonvolatile, nonjudgmental manner.
3) Demonstrate an authentic & genuine interest in other people. Make it a point to learn about what's important to the other person, so you can understand and care about what he/she cares about. True caring, of course, facilitates authentic feelings of friendship, trust, and respect that make it easier to talk things through...and which can, in time, lead to romance and long-term commitment.
Curious about your own EQ? Take this short quiz:
- Can you clearly express your feelings with the 3-word sentence "I feel..."?
- Can you differentiate various feelings?
- Can you identify why you feel the way you do?
- Do you respect and accept yourself the way you are?
- Do others know you have a good sense of yourself?
- Are you living up to your potential?
- Do you feel satisfied with your accomplishments?
- Are you able to let go of regrets and grudges?
- Do you feel in control and consistent in the way you act?
- Are you emotionally independent from others?
Emotionally smart people will answer "yes" to 8 to 10 of these questions. How did you do?
I'm reading a book now called The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real (Hidden wisdom from a children's classic) and it's based on the story of the toy Velveteen Rabbit who became real, with human emotions, when he gave love to and received love from a little boy. This book discusses the difference between superficial outer beauty and the inner beauty we all possess as unique human beings.
The Velveteen Principles guides us to rise above society's "Object culture" (based on what we own and accomplish) and to focus instead on the inner qualities that make us unique, happy, and lovable (our character, kindness, honesty, integrity, and empathy), which deepen our connections with others and make more joy and love possible in our lives.
This has gotten me thinking about what happens when we show up as our "Real" selves in dating and relationships...and, concurrently, when we're able to look beneath the surface of a dating prospect's looks, job, wealth, status, etc. to see their Real true self inside. In other words, what happens when we take the time to look into a person's heart and soul rather than making snap judgments based on what we see on the outside?
In my view, showing our "Real" selves means being authentic, open, present, engaged, and even vulnerable as others get to know us. It means letting our good qualities (generosity, empathy, kindness, and gratitude) as well as our not-so-good qualities (fear, envy, anger, sadness, shame) be seen by others. It requires frankness and transparency in getting-to-know-you conversations about our lives and our inner workings. And, when both people let these qualities be seen, they've laid the foundation for true emotional intimacy.
When we let our own Real qualities show, we're more likely to feel comfortable with and attracted to other people who are "Real". Then, watch the sparks fly, because there's no better feeling than the depth of connection (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical) that is possible when both people are being Real and sharing their thoughts and feelings honestly.
It takes courage to share the deeper parts of ourselves, and it takes acceptance without judgment to listen when others share these parts with us. But the result when we each do that is amazing. We become kindred spirits, fellow travelers on the journey to a richer sense of self and a deeper type of happiness.
The Velveteen Principles says that going along with the "objectification" of our object-obsessed culture destroys empathy for ourselves and what is Real in others. When we stop trying to conform/be like everyone else but instead let go of the fear of being different and just be ourselves, we become "Real" instead of generic. We have more fulfilling relationships, less fear of failure, and a chance of breaking through to new heart-opening relationship experiences.
How willing are you to be "Real" when you meet new people? Do you fear that others, if they saw inside you, wouldn't want to be with you? The truth is that we all have flaws, so seeing those in others can endear you to them by bonding you through your common humanity. When we hide them, however, we're relating on only a superficial level and thus reducing the chance we'll experience the deep partner bond we crave.
What do you say? Isn't it about time we all agreed to try to "get Real"? Just imagine how our relationships and our world will benefit!!
This is the question I received recently at a dating seminar I was presenting. And it's a very good question. The woman who asked it was referring specifically to online dating prospects...since she'd heard and been frightened by stories about people who lie about themselves online.
Whether you meet a new person through the Internet or in person, the same general rule of thumb about assessing someone's trustworthiness applies: listen to your gut instincts. If something feels suspicious or someone is evasive, be cautious. If your intuition tells you someone is hiding information, ask more questions and gather more facts before believing what he says. Your intuition will never steer you wrong.
In addition: make note of his or her body language. There are several micro-expressions and body movements that tell you someone is being evasive or dishonest. More info is here: http://www.reading-body-language.co.uk/body-language-lying.html.
As we all know, trust in any kind of relationship--personal or professional--takes time to build. People earn your trust little by little by proving true to their word...by doing what they say they're going to do...by being open and honest and willing to talk about anything that comes up during the getting-to-know-you process.
The woman who asked the question about trusting new men was hesitant because she'd been betrayed by a man in the past. She now found it difficult to imagine opening her heart enough to give others the benefit of the doubt--to see them as "innocent until proven guilty." This, of course, can be a huge obstacle in the dating world. When people feel you don't trust them, it is hard to form a connection that might lead to a friendship, romance, and/or love.
Here are some ways to tell if someone is trustworthy early in the dating process:
1. He or she shows up to your first meeting or date on time.
2. He or she calls on the promised day and time.
3. He or she prefers to communicate with you face to face rather than through email, texting, or phone calls. (Body language, of course, is a huge help in reading a person's intentions and sincerity, so anyone afraid of being caught in a lie would rather not spend much time in person with you.)
4. He or she will offer to do things for you and will follow through, so you'll learn that you can count on him or her being reliable.
5. He or she will keep any promises made. Small actions matter toward helping to build a strong foundation of trust.
6. He or she will keep private things you've shared completely confidential.
7. When you share personal information and your history, he or she will be comfortable offering to share similar information.
8. He or she will offer a sincere, from-the-heart apology if he or she disappoints you or makes a mistake. He or she will take full responsibility for his or her action and reassure you that he or she understands how those actions impacted you.
9. Your friends or relatives who've met your new date will give you positive feedback about him or her. Often, the first blush of a new relationship blinds us to negative things that other objective observers can clearly see. Pay attention to their reactions!
10. He or she will be open to new experiences that you suggest. This builds a bond between you, and trust will follow.
Armed with this information, it will be easier for you to venture forth into the dating world feeling more comfortable AND sending out more open, positive vibrations that draw nice people to you. Being overly cautious can definitely be a turnoff, but being reckless or gullible is unwise.
I'd love to hear your opinions and/or stories about trust. Drop me a note!
Ever found yourself in a relationship where one or both of you still needed to heal something from the past? Where you were drawn to someone with a wound similar to yours? I've certainly been there and done that.
At first, you feel strongly attracted emotionally and physically and think this person could potentially be your long-term partner. You are on the same wavelength in SO many ways. Friendship, trust, admiration, empathy, and caring develop and grow. Everything seems to flow so nicely. You fall in love.
Then, one day, you have your first major conflict or disagreement. You see a completely different side of the other person when he or she triggers one of your "hot buttons" from the past--touching a nerve related to something you thought you had healed but now realize you haven't. It could be your abandonment wound, your fear of being smothered by a partner, your unresolved anger about a past partner's disloyalty, your mistrust or resentment about the opposite sex because of a childhood incident with a parent...or any number of other issues.
During the conversation to resolve the conflict by getting to the core reason for it, your "stuff" is revealed, your unhealed wound reopened. Each of you talks about how to deal with this woundedness. You try to be compassionate about the other person's wound, but you struggle to stretch far enough in his/her direction to foster understanding and peace. Finally, though, after talking it out, you feel better.
Until it happens again. And then, a few weeks later, again. Where you once felt so similar, you now feel so different. And disconnected.
It could be that you've attracted into your life a healing partnership--a relationship in which the two people come together primarily for the reason of helping each other heal. Except they don't know that's the reason.
If, instead, they could see the big picture and the "opportunity" for growth that God/the Universe is giving them, they would understand that "this is all happening for a reason"--and that reason is so they can evolve into a healthier partner for another person down the road.
Sadly, their healing partnership will be temporary. It will last only as long as it takes them to grow sufficiently beyond it. It will run its course, and the two people will part ways after the lessons they were brought together to learn are learned and each of them has experienced substantial healing.
From my experience in two healing partnerships during my late 40s, I now know that the heart and psyche will attract such partners into our lives, and we will try desperately to hold onto them because we feel safe and understood. Inevitably, though, one or both people will begin to feel uncomfortable and start pulling away at some point--usually within 6 months after the initial connection.
Breaking up with a healing partner isn't easy, but it's necessary. Only by closing that door and moving forward, armed with the lessons learned, will you be able to attract a healthier partner and then get the chance to implement what you learned as you build a happier, healthier relationship with someone new--someone who has also integrated lessons from the past to become a healthier partner.
The wonderful thing is that the healing and growing you've done prepares you for showing up in your next relationship as your new improved self--an emotionally healthy individual now ready to attract a similarly healthy partner and then to forge the strongest, healthiest bond imaginable!
I can attest that being in such a relationship is AMAZING! You feel more alive, happy, and connected than ever before...and you're on your way to the deepest, most fulfilling relationship of your life. Enjoy the journey!!
How do you know when you've met "The One"--that very special person who is just exactly right for you?
In the thousands of articles and hundreds of books I've read on this topic over the last 20 years, one particular "must" seems to appear on every list: that person helps you become a better person--he or she brings out the very best in you and supports and inspires you to grow into the best version of yourself (and always wants the best FOR you), while totally accepting you without judgement, no matter what aspects of you are revealed.
I am experiencing this now in my current relationship. The man I'm with is the perfect foil, the most complementary partner to help me feel:
- more feminine, beautiful, and sexy than I've ever felt before
- more calm and patient than I ever thought I could be
- more alive and happy than I ever believed possible
- more open and vulnerable than I am with most people
- more easily able to be fully myself than I could have dreamed
- more motivated to give affection and love, with no agenda and no unhealthy neediness
Wow! It sure feels good to be with someone who helps me experience all those things AND who enables me to see that all the personal growth work I did over the years to become a healthy partner was worth the time and effort. With him, it is easy for me to show up as the best possible me...but also at times to reveal the parts that I'm not so proud of, without shame. Things just flow in a beautiful, mutually supportive and caring way.
Words can't describe how wonderful it is to be with a man who is a catalyst for this type of healthy, loving connection with myself and, in turn, with him. They say you'll "just know" when you meet the right one. I can honestly say this is true. The warmth, comfort level, and attraction was palpable within the first 5 minutes of sitting down at our initial coffee date after connecting online. And those feelings continued to grow sweetly and steadily with each successive date.
If you have yet to experience this kind of connection, don't lose hope. It can happen when you least expect it. While I had I put the effort into continuing to write new prospects online, I had no expectations about this particular guy. He was nice on email and the phone, but, truth be told, I was more excited initially about another guy I was to meet the same weekend. As it turned out, there was absolutely no "click" with the 2nd man but a really nice connection with the first. I was taken aback and very pleasantly surprised.
You can be too. Never stop trying. Keep on looking. Go out into the dating world with a positive attitude about the chances of magical things happening for you. That was always my approach, and it has led to wonderful experiences and connections. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need help fostering that positive, hopeful attitude. I'm happy to assist!
Ever wonder why romantic comedies are one of the most-popular types of movies? I'm guessing there are 2 main reasons:
1) We enjoy watching current or potential partners doing or saying things (or getting into situations) that make them--or us--laugh
2) Laughter is a key ingredient in every successful, healthy relationship, so audience members can relate to couples who laugh together
Experts say that laughter is important to relationship success for 3 primary reasons:
1) It's a tool in the attraction, dating and relating stages of the partnership
2) It creates a positive bond of intimacy & shared experience
3) It helps couples diffuse anger & overcome conflicts & disagreements
But did you also know that laughing reduces blood pressure, relieves stress, prevents depression, releases inhibitions/sexual blocks, improves mood, increases oxygen flow to the brain, reduces physical pain & strengthens the immune system? Wow! How many more reasons do you need for putting more fun & laughter into your life & relationships?!
Which brings me to my main point: if you & your date and/or partner aren't laughing together, your chances for long-term relationship success are severely reduced. You don't have to laugh at all the same stuff, but you do have to be able to lighten up, relax & be playful when necessary...especially when too much conflict or drama threatens to push you apart or cause you to disengage from each other.
It also helps if you can make each other laugh. After all, everyone using online dating mentions "sense of humor" as one of the top traits they're seeking, right? And they're right--it is crucial. I can't tell you how many happy couples have told me they've considered divorce but stayed because the other person knew how to make them laugh. Laughter is a very powerful way to create & maintain a tight bond with someone.
In fact, research on laughter in relationships by neuroscientist Dr. Robert Provine, as reported in his book Laughter: A Scientific Investigation, showed some surprising findings:
1) Women laugh much more than men--126% more!
2) Men are more often the laugh-getters.
3) Men like women who laugh heartily in their presence.
4) The laughter of the female is the critical index of a healthy relationship.
5) Laughter in relationships declines dramatically as we age.
6) Like yawning, laughter is contagious; the laughter of others is irresistible.
So, there you have it. Lighten up & find something to laugh about. It'll improve both your health & your relationships. I'd love to hear your stories about the part humor plays in your relationships. Send me a note!
Remember the Sheryl Crow song "A Change Would Do You Good"? One of my favorites. Of course, I'm the unusual person who loves change. Most people I meet and coach have some fear of it. Rather than change itself, I think what they really fear is the unknown (i.e., they're not quite sure what'll happen after they make a change).
Fear of the unknown aside, I invite you to consider this: a change really will do you good in many ways in your dating life. Here are a few simple examples:
1) Changing your photo on your online dating profile will attract attention from brand new people who may not have noticed or liked your old photo on the site, giving you more potential dating opportunities
2) Changing up the venues where you go to socialize can help you cross paths with folks you haven't met before--one of whom could be your new boyfriend/girlfriend
3) Changing your attitude about dating (from skeptical to hopeful or from negative to positive) can help you attract more prospects because others like upbeat people
This all makes sense, right? Then, why are so many people afraid of change? Haven't they heard that "when you do the same thing you always did, you get the same results you always got"? Wouldn't it be worth taking a chance on changing things up a bit--even just as an experiment--to see if you get different (and BETTER) results? I think so!!
The April issue of Oprah Magazine has the theme "Are You Ready for a Change?" and includes a great article about starting over again after unexpected change. It tells readers that "When sudden, scary, unwieldy change starts blowing down the doors, you can grieve what's ended and then--however impossible it may seem--embrace what's been set in motion. You can choose to see change as a catalyst, lighting the fuse that propels you into a place that's entirely, stunningly new."
I love that phrase "stunningly new"!! Isn't it exciting to imagine and envision how stunning the next experience will be--now that you're free to venture forward into new adventures?
The article goes on to say that, when nothing changes in your life, "you have no opportunity to grow, to expand your humanity and the capacity of your heart. You miss out on the essential point of being alive, which is to experience experiences and feel feelings."
I totally agree. This concept applies especially well for those in the dating world who've experienced the unexpected change of a breakup or loss of a partner--as well as for those all-too-common situations when feelings of rejection or frustration set in after a string of dating disappointments. Yes, one door has to close so another one can open. Sometimes, someone has to exit your life to make way for the next, better partner.
Often, it's only through that drastic change that you got the chance for personal growth that made you a more-evolved "attractor" for healthier relationships. That certainly happened to me after both my marriages ended. And now I've attracted the healthiest partner I've ever been with.
Change is inevitable.It's a waste of energy to try to keep it at bay or to resist it when it comes. Why not just change your mind about the way you'll handle it? It could definitely do you good!
