Ladies, is your life too busy for dating? Consider this...
I read an article the other day by a 55-year-old widower saying the big difference between dating now and when he was in his 20s was that there's now more competition than ever. Not from other men...but from all the other people and activities in the lives of the divorced and widowed women he was meeting.
I've often heard this from my male clients as well: women over 50 have so much going on with work, kids, grandkids, friends, committees, classes, hobbies, aging parents, etc. that a man wonders how he'll fit into the mix. How important will he be in her life? Will she be able to carve out quality time for him as they're dating, building a relationship...and possibly being together long term?
This is a legitimate concern. A man wants your family and friends to accept him so that he can be included in the outings and activities you share with them. If you don't invite him to be part of the many aspects of your life, a man won't get his need for companionship met or be able to envision a long-term partnership with you. And he won't feel he can be of service and enhance your life in some way, which are core male needs in a relationship.
So, when you're writing an online dating profile or chatting for the first time with a new man you met, it's best not to ramble on about how busy you are with a million and one things. Sure, men are attracted to active, interesting women. But they also want to know you have time for them.
The second thing you need to do is make it clear you value private, one-on-one time with a partner. Again, your online dating profile and first conversation with a guy out in the singles world should emphasize the fact you make alone time with a partner a priority. This means you're willing to put "date nights" with him on your calendar...and to make sure your schedule is flexible enough to accommodate a spontaneous casual get-together, time with his friends and family, or even a weekend getaway.
Lastly, you need to show a man you're able to be "present" with him and you care about him, your relationship, and what's important to him. I've heard several men I know lament the fact that the women in their past relationships were disengaged, overly independent, or preoccupied with things outside their relationship. As a result, the men felt disconnected and less emotionally invested in the partnership.
If you want a prospective date to warm up to you at first and feel deeply connected to you later, you need to be in the moment with him. You need to listen and show you care. You need to make time to see each other often--to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. And you need to tell him what you like/admire about him and how he can help you with day-to-day things, so he feels like your "knight in shining armor."
If doing all this means you have to simplify your life and even clear some things off your schedule to make time to search for and then date the right man for you, do it! Is there anything more important than having a loving partner to share your life?
I didn't think so. :-)
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Your True Love Won't Just Appear at Your Door
Thinking it'd be nice if you didn't have to actually "date" in order to find love? Unfortunately, you'll have to think again.
Many of my clients complain about the effort and time it takes to search for dating prospects--both online and in person. And I have to gently remind them that a partner isn't likely to show up on their doorstep. They'll have to carve out the time and muster up the energy to do what it takes to cross paths with that person.
They'll have to make a commitment to the process and keep at it until they succeed. There are no shortcuts.
When I tell them it took me 8 years of dating after my first divorce to find my second husband and nearly 3 years after my second divorce to find the amazing man I'm with now, they often sigh deeply. It sounds like something they don't have the patience for. It sounds like too much work.
But isn't something you desire worth putting some time and effort into? Of course, it is. And so is dating. It's a necessary part of the journey to your compatible partner...and, like every other important dream in your life, it involves making a plan and taking action.
In the end, though, when you're with the love of your life, it's totally worth it.
Making a plan for your love means:
- getting clear on the character, values, temperament, interests etc. of a compatible partner
- getting your "ducks in a row" so your life has physical and emotional room in it for him/her
- getting over your past and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence if necessary
Taking action to meet your love means:
- joining singles organizations, online dating sites, and hobby groups to meet new folks
- promising yourself you'll be open to available people who are fairly close matches
- letting down your guard and being honest in the getting-to-know-you process
- staying open to the "experience" of dating--the fun parts and the not-so-fun parts
I would never have met the great guy I'm seeing now if I hadn't had a plan. That meant taking the time to heal from a breakup last summer, to rebuild my self-confidence, and to clarify what a better match for me would be as I prepared to write an online dating profile that could attract that man.
And, of course, I never would have met him if I hadn't taken action--to create that profile, post it, and then reach out by writing him that first email.
What are you waiting for? You know what you need to do to find your true love. Are you ready to make your plan and act on it? I'm here to help if you need some extra courage or strategy ideas!
Many of my clients complain about the effort and time it takes to search for dating prospects--both online and in person. And I have to gently remind them that a partner isn't likely to show up on their doorstep. They'll have to carve out the time and muster up the energy to do what it takes to cross paths with that person.
They'll have to make a commitment to the process and keep at it until they succeed. There are no shortcuts.
When I tell them it took me 8 years of dating after my first divorce to find my second husband and nearly 3 years after my second divorce to find the amazing man I'm with now, they often sigh deeply. It sounds like something they don't have the patience for. It sounds like too much work.
But isn't something you desire worth putting some time and effort into? Of course, it is. And so is dating. It's a necessary part of the journey to your compatible partner...and, like every other important dream in your life, it involves making a plan and taking action.
In the end, though, when you're with the love of your life, it's totally worth it.
Making a plan for your love means:
- getting clear on the character, values, temperament, interests etc. of a compatible partner
- getting your "ducks in a row" so your life has physical and emotional room in it for him/her
- getting over your past and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence if necessary
Taking action to meet your love means:
- joining singles organizations, online dating sites, and hobby groups to meet new folks
- promising yourself you'll be open to available people who are fairly close matches
- letting down your guard and being honest in the getting-to-know-you process
- staying open to the "experience" of dating--the fun parts and the not-so-fun parts
I would never have met the great guy I'm seeing now if I hadn't had a plan. That meant taking the time to heal from a breakup last summer, to rebuild my self-confidence, and to clarify what a better match for me would be as I prepared to write an online dating profile that could attract that man.
And, of course, I never would have met him if I hadn't taken action--to create that profile, post it, and then reach out by writing him that first email.
What are you waiting for? You know what you need to do to find your true love. Are you ready to make your plan and act on it? I'm here to help if you need some extra courage or strategy ideas!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Being in Love Changes You for the Better
Remember that "Wow, the world sure is a beautiful place!" feeling you have when you first fall in love? You're giddy, excited, and filled with child-like joy. Everything around you looks brighter. You feel positive, content, and hopeful. And the one you love is "amazing," "wonderful," and incredibly special. I know I'm experiencing all of these feelings right now as I'm about to celebrate the 6th month of a relationship that's been the easiest, most romantic, and most compatible of my life.
The coolest part is: I catch myself every so often seeing myself through my partner's eyes, and that causes me to love myself even more than I did before. Love begets love. It's a beautiful, magical thing!
Recently, on her TV program "Super Soul Sunday," Oprah interviewed a Franciscan priest named Richard Rohr, and he offered some fascinating insights about love. Father Rohr first distinguished between the "False Self" (your ego, including such things as your body, personality, racial/ethnic heritage, socioeconomic status, job title, life roles, etc.) and the "True Self" (your soul & spirit--the essence and core of your Divine being). He then said that, when you fall in love, you kill the "False Self" so you can become more of your "True Self."
In other words, you're willing to change yourself for your partner by letting go of who you thought you were before you loved him. I know that, since saying "I love you" to my partner, I have definitely left behind the old image I had of myself. And I've actually felt like a different, kinder, more empathetic person in life in general.
When you open up your heart to your partner, you're able to become more your "True Self" -- the loving, compassionate, giving part of you. You reveal your true beauty within. I can attest to this too: the more I give and receive love, the more I want to give.
Sharing love with your partner wakes up your spirit. It reveals the most beautiful parts of you (and not just in those early months when you're "on your best behavior"). According to Father Rohr, as you and your partner grow and evolve together in co-creating a deeper, more emotionally intimate, and more spiritual partnership, you blossom into the best possible you (what other spiritual teachers often call "Your Highest Self").
Father Rohr says a spiritual partnership is one between equals who come together for the purpose of facilitating each other's personal/spiritual growth. As he puts it, "Love has to grow and expand as the two people grow or it won't last." This, sadly, is one of the common reasons couples break up--think about all those you know who divorced because they "grew apart" instead of together.
On the other hand, though, think about how great it feels to be in a mature, healthy relationship that supports each person's goals/growth/ aspirations and brings out the best in both of you! That "best" is your True Self--who you are deep in your heart and soul--not at all about the trappings of your external life. And the "soulful" connection you feel with a loving, compatible partner is fulfilling beyond words!
If you want that type of connection, BELIEVE it can happen for you. Be patient and trusting. BE the loving person you want to attract. Be open and proactive when searching for your love. And then get ready to experience how love can truly change YOU for the better!!
The coolest part is: I catch myself every so often seeing myself through my partner's eyes, and that causes me to love myself even more than I did before. Love begets love. It's a beautiful, magical thing!
Recently, on her TV program "Super Soul Sunday," Oprah interviewed a Franciscan priest named Richard Rohr, and he offered some fascinating insights about love. Father Rohr first distinguished between the "False Self" (your ego, including such things as your body, personality, racial/ethnic heritage, socioeconomic status, job title, life roles, etc.) and the "True Self" (your soul & spirit--the essence and core of your Divine being). He then said that, when you fall in love, you kill the "False Self" so you can become more of your "True Self."
In other words, you're willing to change yourself for your partner by letting go of who you thought you were before you loved him. I know that, since saying "I love you" to my partner, I have definitely left behind the old image I had of myself. And I've actually felt like a different, kinder, more empathetic person in life in general.
When you open up your heart to your partner, you're able to become more your "True Self" -- the loving, compassionate, giving part of you. You reveal your true beauty within. I can attest to this too: the more I give and receive love, the more I want to give.
Sharing love with your partner wakes up your spirit. It reveals the most beautiful parts of you (and not just in those early months when you're "on your best behavior"). According to Father Rohr, as you and your partner grow and evolve together in co-creating a deeper, more emotionally intimate, and more spiritual partnership, you blossom into the best possible you (what other spiritual teachers often call "Your Highest Self").
Father Rohr says a spiritual partnership is one between equals who come together for the purpose of facilitating each other's personal/spiritual growth. As he puts it, "Love has to grow and expand as the two people grow or it won't last." This, sadly, is one of the common reasons couples break up--think about all those you know who divorced because they "grew apart" instead of together.
On the other hand, though, think about how great it feels to be in a mature, healthy relationship that supports each person's goals/growth/ aspirations and brings out the best in both of you! That "best" is your True Self--who you are deep in your heart and soul--not at all about the trappings of your external life. And the "soulful" connection you feel with a loving, compatible partner is fulfilling beyond words!
If you want that type of connection, BELIEVE it can happen for you. Be patient and trusting. BE the loving person you want to attract. Be open and proactive when searching for your love. And then get ready to experience how love can truly change YOU for the better!!
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Dating "Consciously" Attracts Healthier Partners
Are you intentional and focused when you're out there searching for dates? In other words, do you know exactly what type of person you want to meet... and are you putting attention and effort into finding that person?
Being "conscious" about dating is important if you want to waste less time with the wrong ones and have more success in finding the right one.
David Steele, Founder of the Relationship Institute and author of Conscious Dating: Finding the love of your life and the life that you love, describes "10 Principles of Conscious Dating" that are definitely worth implementing in your dating life. Fortunately for me, I've found a man interested in following these principles with me as we now build a "Conscious Relationship"--which makes me very happy!
Here are the principles you should follow when seeking a life partner for yourself. I did all 10 of these things and believe that's what made it easier for me to attract a super-compatible guy:
1) Know who you are and what you want. Make sure you have a detailed "partner vision." And don't over-compromise or settle for less than you know is right for you.
2) Learn how to get what you want. Assess the dating information, tools, and skills you'll need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans for your partner search.
3) Be the "Chooser." Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't just wait around and then react to who chooses you. Reach out to those YOU feel are your best matches.
4) Balance your head with your heart. Don't operate solely from inside a "romantic bubble." Be realistic. Listen for red flags with new people so you can make your relationship choices consciously and rationally.
5) Be ready and available for commitment. Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6) Use the "Law of Attraction." Be the partner you are seeking. Develop yourself and live the life you want in order to attract the best person for you. The more alike you and your partner are, the easier your dating life will flow.
7) Gain relationship knowledge and skills. Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read books and article about relationship success strategies. Get dating and/or relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8) Create a support community. Make sure to surround yourself with positive people who support your dating goals. Those who are isolated as singles can become lonely in their relationships because they expect a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9) Practice assertiveness. To get what you really want, you need to say "No" to what you don't want. Set boundaries, have clear parameters, and stick to them.
10) Be a "successful single." Don't put your life on hold while waiting for a relationship. Live your life vision and purpose while you're single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy single person living the life you really want. Then, a partner will just be the "cherry on top" of your wonderful life--the one special person to share that life with you!
To date consciously, you need to remind yourself of these principles every day. How many of them are you already following? Make note of the ones you're still working on and focus your attention on improving in those areas. If you need some moral support or someone to hold you accountable for doing that, let me know. I'm here to help.
Being "conscious" about dating is important if you want to waste less time with the wrong ones and have more success in finding the right one.
David Steele, Founder of the Relationship Institute and author of Conscious Dating: Finding the love of your life and the life that you love, describes "10 Principles of Conscious Dating" that are definitely worth implementing in your dating life. Fortunately for me, I've found a man interested in following these principles with me as we now build a "Conscious Relationship"--which makes me very happy!
Here are the principles you should follow when seeking a life partner for yourself. I did all 10 of these things and believe that's what made it easier for me to attract a super-compatible guy:
1) Know who you are and what you want. Make sure you have a detailed "partner vision." And don't over-compromise or settle for less than you know is right for you.
2) Learn how to get what you want. Assess the dating information, tools, and skills you'll need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans for your partner search.
3) Be the "Chooser." Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't just wait around and then react to who chooses you. Reach out to those YOU feel are your best matches.
4) Balance your head with your heart. Don't operate solely from inside a "romantic bubble." Be realistic. Listen for red flags with new people so you can make your relationship choices consciously and rationally.
5) Be ready and available for commitment. Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6) Use the "Law of Attraction." Be the partner you are seeking. Develop yourself and live the life you want in order to attract the best person for you. The more alike you and your partner are, the easier your dating life will flow.
7) Gain relationship knowledge and skills. Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read books and article about relationship success strategies. Get dating and/or relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8) Create a support community. Make sure to surround yourself with positive people who support your dating goals. Those who are isolated as singles can become lonely in their relationships because they expect a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9) Practice assertiveness. To get what you really want, you need to say "No" to what you don't want. Set boundaries, have clear parameters, and stick to them.
10) Be a "successful single." Don't put your life on hold while waiting for a relationship. Live your life vision and purpose while you're single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy single person living the life you really want. Then, a partner will just be the "cherry on top" of your wonderful life--the one special person to share that life with you!
To date consciously, you need to remind yourself of these principles every day. How many of them are you already following? Make note of the ones you're still working on and focus your attention on improving in those areas. If you need some moral support or someone to hold you accountable for doing that, let me know. I'm here to help.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
5 Fascinating Facts About Online Dating
As Match.com celebrates its 20th anniversary, online dating has been in the news recently. One piece I found particularly interesting discusses 5 interesting findings from a 2014 Pew Research Center study and report on "How American Couples Use Technology."
A lot sure has changed since 1995, when only 14% of American adults used the Internet and online dating options were few. Now, about 90% of Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance.
Here is what the Pew study found:
1) Most Americans say online dating is a good way to meet people.
It has lost its stigma, and almost half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or met a spouse or long-term partner that way.
2) About 20% of adults 25-34 have used online dating, but it's also popular with older singles. In fact, 17% of adults 35-44, 8% of those 45-54, 6% of those 55-64, and 3% of adults 65+ have used online dating sites or apps. (Speaking of apps, Tinder--the app that lets you swipe to say yes or no to prospects by showing the faces of singles in your neighborhood, creates 2 billion swipes and 12 million matches a day.)
3) 66% of people who've used online dating have gone on a date with someone they met on these sites.
That figure is up from 43% in 2005.
4) 20% of online daters have asked someone else to help with their profile.
Many, especially women, enlist their friends to help. In fact, 30% of women vs. 16% of men have sought assistance writing or reviewing their profile.
5) 5% of Americans who are married or in a committed relationship say they met their significant other online.
Of those who've been with their partner for 5 years or less, 88% say they met offline--with meeting through friends as the most likely way couples connect.
Other research, as noted in Aziz Ansari's new book Modern Romance, shows that:
- 38% of "single and looking" Americans of all ages have used online dating
- women get 4 times as many emails on dating sites as men do
What I conclude after reading all these statistics is:
1) Women should feel free to initiate contact on Internet dating sites, since men don't get much email and would welcome the attention from someone who is truly interested.
2) Online dating is definitely worth trying. Most folks know someone who met a partner that way, and 2/3 wind up getting a date via the dating sites.
3) It is still smart to do BOTH online dating and socializing with friends, groups, and activities, since such a large percentage of couples meet offline. I met about half the men I dated over the years online and the other half offline, so I know both methods work.
How about you? Are you part of the 1/3 of online daters still waiting to get that first coffee date set up? If so, I'd love to help by offering you a coaching session. Or, you can read my online dating how-to book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50," available on this website. Happy Dating!!
A lot sure has changed since 1995, when only 14% of American adults used the Internet and online dating options were few. Now, about 90% of Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance.
Here is what the Pew study found:
1) Most Americans say online dating is a good way to meet people.
It has lost its stigma, and almost half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or met a spouse or long-term partner that way.
2) About 20% of adults 25-34 have used online dating, but it's also popular with older singles. In fact, 17% of adults 35-44, 8% of those 45-54, 6% of those 55-64, and 3% of adults 65+ have used online dating sites or apps. (Speaking of apps, Tinder--the app that lets you swipe to say yes or no to prospects by showing the faces of singles in your neighborhood, creates 2 billion swipes and 12 million matches a day.)
3) 66% of people who've used online dating have gone on a date with someone they met on these sites.
That figure is up from 43% in 2005.
4) 20% of online daters have asked someone else to help with their profile.
Many, especially women, enlist their friends to help. In fact, 30% of women vs. 16% of men have sought assistance writing or reviewing their profile.
5) 5% of Americans who are married or in a committed relationship say they met their significant other online.
Of those who've been with their partner for 5 years or less, 88% say they met offline--with meeting through friends as the most likely way couples connect.
Other research, as noted in Aziz Ansari's new book Modern Romance, shows that:
- 38% of "single and looking" Americans of all ages have used online dating
- women get 4 times as many emails on dating sites as men do
What I conclude after reading all these statistics is:
1) Women should feel free to initiate contact on Internet dating sites, since men don't get much email and would welcome the attention from someone who is truly interested.
2) Online dating is definitely worth trying. Most folks know someone who met a partner that way, and 2/3 wind up getting a date via the dating sites.
3) It is still smart to do BOTH online dating and socializing with friends, groups, and activities, since such a large percentage of couples meet offline. I met about half the men I dated over the years online and the other half offline, so I know both methods work.
How about you? Are you part of the 1/3 of online daters still waiting to get that first coffee date set up? If so, I'd love to help by offering you a coaching session. Or, you can read my online dating how-to book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50," available on this website. Happy Dating!!
Friday, June 5, 2015
IS FEAR OF REJECTION SABOTAGING YOUR DATING LIFE?
At a recent seminar I presented on the topic of having the courage to take risks as a way to transform your life, several single women participants (ages 40s to 60s) mentioned that fear of rejection was the single biggest reason they either didn't like or hadn't yet tried online dating.
Unfortunately, that's a self-sabotaging fear that could prevent them from meeting the love of their life.
Sure, we're all a bit nervous when meeting someone new in a high-pressure situation like a "blind date" which is what that first get-together for coffee or tea can feel like. You've only seen a photo of the person you're meeting and have no idea what he really looks like or whether you'll feel any attraction to him.
But keep this in mind: he's nervous too! He's wondering if you'll look like your photo...whether he'll be attracted to you...and whether you'll be interested in him. And--let's be honest--you're both nervous about making a good first impression and not saying something that will scare the person off before you've gotten to know each other.
My advice (learned after dozens of initial meetings) is to RELAX. Be yourself. Don't worry about the impression you're making or about editing what you say. Let the conversation flow naturally. And, most important of all, show a sincere interest in listening to what the other person has to say.
Approach the coffee date with a sense of adventure. This is a chance to enter the world of someone new--and to possibly learn fascinating information about hobbies, careers, or travel destinations you don't know much about. I certainly had fun soaking up fun facts about a myriad of topics in the 60+ coffee dates I had over the years.
And then, one day, the conversation just flowed so well with a certain guy, and the comfort level and warmth were so obvious between us that I knew we'd be seeing each other again...and again...and again.
This can happen for you too...if you leave that fear of rejection at the door and enter with the intention of real connection. If you need moral support before you start, let me know. I'd love to help!
Unfortunately, that's a self-sabotaging fear that could prevent them from meeting the love of their life.
Sure, we're all a bit nervous when meeting someone new in a high-pressure situation like a "blind date" which is what that first get-together for coffee or tea can feel like. You've only seen a photo of the person you're meeting and have no idea what he really looks like or whether you'll feel any attraction to him.
But keep this in mind: he's nervous too! He's wondering if you'll look like your photo...whether he'll be attracted to you...and whether you'll be interested in him. And--let's be honest--you're both nervous about making a good first impression and not saying something that will scare the person off before you've gotten to know each other.
My advice (learned after dozens of initial meetings) is to RELAX. Be yourself. Don't worry about the impression you're making or about editing what you say. Let the conversation flow naturally. And, most important of all, show a sincere interest in listening to what the other person has to say.
Approach the coffee date with a sense of adventure. This is a chance to enter the world of someone new--and to possibly learn fascinating information about hobbies, careers, or travel destinations you don't know much about. I certainly had fun soaking up fun facts about a myriad of topics in the 60+ coffee dates I had over the years.
And then, one day, the conversation just flowed so well with a certain guy, and the comfort level and warmth were so obvious between us that I knew we'd be seeing each other again...and again...and again.
This can happen for you too...if you leave that fear of rejection at the door and enter with the intention of real connection. If you need moral support before you start, let me know. I'd love to help!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Yes! Women CAN initiate the online dating process!
"Is it OK for me to be the initiator in online dating?" a woman client asked me recently. My response: "Absolutely! That's what I always recommend." And here's why.
I never would have met any of the men I've been with over the last 11 years (including the wonderful man I'm dating now) if I hadn't started the conversation on an Internet dating website. Sure, I had hundreds of men of various types express an interest in me online, but the only way I dated guys who were MY type was to find them myself and make their acquaintance by dropping them a note.
A majority of the men who emailed me didn't feel compatible enough. So, it seemed that the smarter approach would be choose matches myself, reach out, and then see if any of the guys I liked also liked me. In the end, that approach worked!
There are 3 main reasons why it's fine for a woman to "make the first move" in the cyberdating world:
1) Sending an initial email is just like making eye contact with/smiling at a man you're interested in at a singles event in "the real world." It's simply a way of "flirting" to show him it's OK to take the next step and come over and talk to you. After that, he'll pick up the ball and ask you out if he's interested. The woman may have gotten things rolling in the online world, but from there it becomes like traditional dating with the man making the next overtures.
So if you're afraid men will think you're aggressive or "pursuing" them, fear not! Your flirty email online is just a tool to make a first contact. It doesn't change the age-old "man pursuing woman" dynamic.
2) Men love it when you show an interest in them. They're very flattered to get your complimentary note because it's not very common for women to approach them first, and it feels good to know someone is impressed by them. It takes away both the pressure of always being the initiator as well as the fear of rejection men have had to deal with all their lives. Having a woman approach them first is refreshing and ego boosting.
3) The rules of dating have changed. In 2015, the dating world is a LOT different than it was before Match.com was founded 20 years ago. With dating websites offering us millions of single people to choose from, both men and women are now used to having the opportunity to, in effect, "shop" for dates and then contact them "virtually." Men post their pictures and profiles to attract women's attention, so why shouldn't women respond by telling them they succeeded in attracting them?
I haven't had a single male client who didn't enjoy getting an initial email from a woman who was interested in learning more about him. So go ahead, ladies...search through those profiles and find some guys who excite you. Then, write a short note telling them what grabbed you most and what the two of you have in common.
By doing that, you're not crossing some invisible dating etiquette line. You've just broken the ice and hopefully paved the way for a getting-to-know-you phone call and meeting for coffee. Then, who knows?! He may click with you enough to ask you out on a real date...and the two of you can take it from there! Happy Dating!! :-)
I never would have met any of the men I've been with over the last 11 years (including the wonderful man I'm dating now) if I hadn't started the conversation on an Internet dating website. Sure, I had hundreds of men of various types express an interest in me online, but the only way I dated guys who were MY type was to find them myself and make their acquaintance by dropping them a note.
A majority of the men who emailed me didn't feel compatible enough. So, it seemed that the smarter approach would be choose matches myself, reach out, and then see if any of the guys I liked also liked me. In the end, that approach worked!
There are 3 main reasons why it's fine for a woman to "make the first move" in the cyberdating world:
1) Sending an initial email is just like making eye contact with/smiling at a man you're interested in at a singles event in "the real world." It's simply a way of "flirting" to show him it's OK to take the next step and come over and talk to you. After that, he'll pick up the ball and ask you out if he's interested. The woman may have gotten things rolling in the online world, but from there it becomes like traditional dating with the man making the next overtures.
So if you're afraid men will think you're aggressive or "pursuing" them, fear not! Your flirty email online is just a tool to make a first contact. It doesn't change the age-old "man pursuing woman" dynamic.
2) Men love it when you show an interest in them. They're very flattered to get your complimentary note because it's not very common for women to approach them first, and it feels good to know someone is impressed by them. It takes away both the pressure of always being the initiator as well as the fear of rejection men have had to deal with all their lives. Having a woman approach them first is refreshing and ego boosting.
3) The rules of dating have changed. In 2015, the dating world is a LOT different than it was before Match.com was founded 20 years ago. With dating websites offering us millions of single people to choose from, both men and women are now used to having the opportunity to, in effect, "shop" for dates and then contact them "virtually." Men post their pictures and profiles to attract women's attention, so why shouldn't women respond by telling them they succeeded in attracting them?
I haven't had a single male client who didn't enjoy getting an initial email from a woman who was interested in learning more about him. So go ahead, ladies...search through those profiles and find some guys who excite you. Then, write a short note telling them what grabbed you most and what the two of you have in common.
By doing that, you're not crossing some invisible dating etiquette line. You've just broken the ice and hopefully paved the way for a getting-to-know-you phone call and meeting for coffee. Then, who knows?! He may click with you enough to ask you out on a real date...and the two of you can take it from there! Happy Dating!! :-)
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