Dating Advice for Guys From Guys

Men are more likely to take dating advice from other men--especially male dating coaches--than they are from female coaches or other women in their lives. And it's fascinating to read the tips that men offer men.

I did some research this week on dating success pointers for guys over 50 from male dating coaches and authors. These 8 tips stood out to me as especially good advice:

1) Let women initiate. This author writing for the AARP says the numbers are on men's side as they age, since single women outnumber men by quite a bit after age 50--and even moreso after age 65. He says that, since women have fewer unattached men to choose from, they know they need to be proactive if they meet a guy they like. So they're likely to initiate contact if they're interested in you. 
2) Check yourself on Google and Facebook. Usually, a woman who's interested in you will Google you to learn more about you and also check your Facebook page. So you need to make sure the latter presents you in a favorable light.
3) Use ONLY smiling photos in your online dating profile. One guy coach says this will increase the response rate you'll get from women by 40%. (I can vouch for this: most women I coach feel a smiling man is much more likely to be nice, friendly, sensitive, and sincere, so they'll feel more comfortable sending him the first email.)
4) Dress for success. This male author, who's dated a lot and had many long-term relationships, encourages guys to pay closer attention to their clothing so they look sharp, not rumpled. He even recommends getting a manicure. (Again, I can confirm the truth in this. Many of my women clients tell me that a man's dirty or unkempt nails and sloppy clothing were turn-offs for them on a first meeting or date.)
5) Stay in good shape. Say no more. Men aren't the only ones who are more attracted to members of the opposite sex who are fit and trim.
6) Be doggedly attentive and affectionate. Yes, there's nothing more appealing than a man who is attentive and affectionate. Women absolutely love those two qualities! 
7) Be upbeat, funny, and optimistic. What woman wouldn't want to spend more time with a guy like that?
8) LISTEN! This male coach recommends showing genuine interest in a woman's life journey, including her career, aspirations, hobbies, kids, successes, and disappointments by listening attentively while she talks. And he strongly urges men to listen carefully enough to express curiosity about her and then ask follow-up questions, which show her you really want to learn more.

Again, I know this is true. I've said this before in other blogs: the #1 complaint my female clients make about men in the dating world is that they don't ask enough questions about them.

I'd love to hear what my male readers think about this list of dating tips--no matter what age you are. Please drop me a line with your thoughts (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com). And if you're a woman reading this, please pass it onto any single, divorced, or widowed men you know to get their take on it. I'd love to hear their feedback. Thanks!

For Single Guys Who Want a Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day 2019! It's the day to celebrate love in all its forms--for yourself, your kids, your parents, your coworkers, your neighbors, your pets, your friends, and your girlfriend or partner (if you have one). But what if you don't?

Today's blog is for single, divorced, and widowed men who are wishing that they had a special woman to call their Valentine--someone to wake up with, do fun things with, eat meals with, kiss before and after a long day at work, travel with, pamper, and hold in your arms as you're falling asleep each night. Wouldn't that be nice?

After many years of post-divorce dating myself and then 13 years coaching men and women over 40 who are searching in the dating world for that special someone, I know one thing for sure:

It's sometimes hard for men to reach out for help in this area of life, even if they realize the things they're doing to meet women aren't working. 

I understand, guys. It doesn't feel right to ask for assistance with something that society assumes men are good at--attracting women. You want to project a strong, confident image...and you think you should just "know" what to do.

But, as the years pass, youth fades, and our "baggage" take its toll, we all start to wonder if we still have what it takes to appeal to the opposite sex. And it's especially challenging for men because they sometimes struggle to understand women and to know how to approach, talk to, and impress them. 

That's when a female dating coach can be invaluable.

Maybe you've wondered how to strike up a conversation with (or write an email to) a new woman in person (or on an Internet dating site)--which is what you need to do to get the ball rolling. Well, the answer is simple: give her a sincere compliment.

Women love it when a man notices and gives her a compliment related to her smile, her eyes, her voice, her friendliness, her intellect, or even the way she dances (if you happen to meet her at a dance). 

Here are some other examples:
- If you meet her at a hiking group, you could compliment her on her energy level, the great hiking boots she chose, or her knowledge of trails and parks in the area. 
- If you meet her at a kid- or teen-related activity such as a play, concert, or sporting event, you could ask her about and/or compliment her son's or daughter's abilities/talent. Women really like a man who is sincerely interested in and gives positive feedback about her children. 
- If you meet her at a business function, ask her about or compliment her on  her career path and/or her professional skills.
- If you see her on an online dating site, write a 3- or 4-sentence email complimenting her on something she said in her own words about her passions, aspirations, family, career, or hobbies.

You get the idea. It's all about communicating to her that you want to learn more about her as a person and get to know her better. That's what dating is for. It's a getting-to-know-you process that builds from a foundation of initial attraction and true curiosity--and ultimately reveals areas of commonality that could potentially create a bond and be the basis of a budding new relationship. 

Hopefully, this blog has given you enough ideas so you'll feel more comfortable approaching women you're attracted to. If you want more ideas or a supportive person to get you jump-started, drop me a line (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023). 

I'm here to answer all your questions about women and dating...so maybe this time next year you can spend Valentine's Day with a really great girl!  

Women Laugh 127% More Than Men!

Fascinating! I came across this statistic recently while doing research for a motivational presentation about laughter and, in light of what I know about the differences between men and women in the dating world, it's not surprising.

In fact, studies show that single women looking for men to date seek a partner who can make them laugh twice as often as they claim to be funny themselves. And men want to be the provider of humor 33% more often than they seek that ability in a partner. Instead, they want a woman who laughs at their jokes. This is because laughter demonstrates enjoyment and interest, or connection and understanding--which men feel are desirable qualities in a potential mate.

How true! Most of the men I dated over the years did their best to make me laugh...and often succeeded. And, because I laugh easily, it created an instant bond between us. 

Here are some more fun facts about laughter in relationships:

- Women tend to choose funnier men as partners and often list sense of humor as the #1 trait they desire in a man.

- Evolutionary psychologists say a sense of humor is a sign of intellect and strong genes and that women--the more selective sex due to the need to find suitable fathers for their children--are attracted to funny men because of the genetic benefit for their potential offspring.

- When you first meet someone, a good sense of humor signals to you that he or she is not just intelligent but also creative and playful--two more very attractive qualities.

When I asked the women in the audience at my presentation about laughter why they think women laugh more, they said "Because we're often laughing at how ridiculous men are." Men, on the other hand, believe they're funnier than women. I beg to differ. Consider comedians such as Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer, and many more.

So why do women laugh more than men? Well, there are several clinical explanations having to do with the differences in women's brain chemistry. But, for the sake of this article, I'll keep it simple:

The main reason is that, as research shows, men think that, by being funny, they'll impress women and win them over; so they do their best to be humorous. And women, who are natural connectors, laugh at their jokes as a way of creating a bond. As the psychologists describe it, "laughter is an involuntary response that functions as a social lubricant." In other words, it eases the development of a connection between two people.

In short, a shared laugh is a great way to begin feeling close to someone...and to begin building a foundation for a relationship. Something to keep in mind as you circulate in the dating world. Have fun!!

There ARE Benefits to Dating After Age 60!

Over 60 and discouraged by the challenges involved with finding suitable possibilities in the dating world? You're not alone. People like you come into my office for coaching every week. My job is to give them hope and some tools to use to find great prospects.

Here's something that should help. I recently read an article offered by Elite Singles, an online dating site for educated, selective, older men and women who are divorced or widowed. It listed a few benefits older daters should keep in mind:

1) WISER AND CLEARER: Being older also means you're wiser and clearer about what you want and what type of person is right for you. Experience has taught you what kinds of people are not a fit for you, so you can steer clear of those, not waste valuable time dating them, and free up time to go where you're more likely to find your kind of person.

2) STRONG FOUNDATION OF EXPERIENCE: At this age, you're largely on a level playing field with other "seniors" in the dating "marketplace" who also have experience, accrued wisdom/life lessons, and the resilience to know they can recover from loss and heartbreak and rebuild their lives and relationships. When you meet others who have also lived and loved and are ready to open their hearts again, you share a "launch pad of experience"--a strong foundation for a future relationship with another 60-something.

3) AUTHENTICALLY YOURSELF: By this stage in life, it's likely you feel comfortable in your own skin. You know who you are and what you want. It's easier for you to be authentic with other people, which saves the time of pointless posturing and allows you to connect with the right kind of person from the get-go.

4) MORE CONFIDENT: Even though some older folks lose body confidence as they age, it's important to remember that everyone ages and that confidence is a state of mind. Research has shown that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a potential date. So, to keep your confidence high, it's best to focus on what makes you a great catch (interior qualities such as character, personality, and values) rather than just your exterior appearance.

5) NEW PROSPECTS ALL THE TIME: After the age of 60, the chances of becoming widowed or divorced go up--which means there are always new 60+ people entering the dating world. You will not run out of options! If you keep your eye on several online dating sites and continue going to new and different meetup groups, singles organizations, and social activities, you'll consistently be crossing paths with people who are newly single and now available. 

By remembering all these benefits as you head out into the dating world, it should be easier for you and other over-60 singles to stay positive as you continue searching for suitable partners. 

Age is really just a number. You can be 65 years old or 65 years young, depending on your mind-set. By maintaining a positive attitude and an open mind while also staying curious and flexible, you increase your chances of running into and/or attracting other people like you--which means they are potentially very compatible with you.

Give it a try! Focus on these 5 ways that your age is actually an asset in the dating world and see what happens. I bet your success rate will go way up! 

Let me know how it goes by dropping me a note at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com. Happy dating! 

Don't Give Up on Online Dating Yet!

This week, a 40-something woman who'd attended one of my motivational dating seminars told me her online dating search had not gone well. After trying 4 or 5 sites last year, she'd given up because she found that too many people weren't serious about finding a long-term partner, and she'd gotten very few replies when she reached out to men who looked promising.

I understand her frustration. I had similar disappointments in my years of online dating. But now, a new article in the February issue of O Magazine called "How to Win the Online Dating Game" cites some statistics that should give online daters hope:

- Today, about one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. say they met online

- 15% of American adults have used a dating site or app

- People looking for love online are more likely to have full-time employment and higher education and to be seeking a long-term partner (according to Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and chief scientific advisor to Match.com)

- Plenty of Fish (www.pof.com), which is where I met my partner, now has 150 million users and is still free to use

- 39% of Match.com users are age 37-52, and 27% are age 53-72 

Yes, you need to educate yourself about how to avoid scammers (drop me an email if you want help with that), read user reviews to find the best sites for your age group, and follow your intuition when talking to potential dates on the phone to weed out inappropriate people. But, in my opinion, it's a mistake to discount online dating entirely--especially if you're a woman over 50.  As experience has taught me, that's where the over-50 men are.

Here are some tips that I and other dating coaches recommend for you if you're in this group:
- Use the Reverse Match and Daily Matches features on Match.com 
- Add men to your Favorites list on a dating site so they get alerted of your interest
- Spend at least 15-30 minutes a day searching for matches on at least 2 sites
- Initiate contact with at least one man each day who's open to women your age
- Consider trying these other dating sites:
   o 50 Plus Club
   o Age Match
   o Just Senior Singles
   o Zoosk (which has 40 million members)

I also recommend changing your attitude about online dating so it's less negative and more positive. You can shift your mind-set by not focusing on the "bad apples" you encounter occasionally -- but, instead, on my story and those of all the other people you know or heard of who met their partner or spouse online. There are plenty of success stories happening every day. Maybe you could be the next one! 

(If you need help putting your all-new 2019 online dating action plan into effect, call me at 267-245-3023. I'm standing by, ready to support and motivate you!)

Are Older Daters Wiser?

In my dual role as both a divorce support coach and a dating coach, I get an interesting perspective. I work with separated/divorcing people who tell me the reasons their long-term relationships ended...as well as with already-divorced folks who tell me of their hopes of finding a better match the second or third time around.

The other day, I had one of each kind of client in the same day. And the contrast between them made me ponder the idea of compatibility. How can it be that the person you were so deeply in love with and compatible with in your 20s turned into such a mismatch for you in your 50s or 60s? 

Do people change that much over the years? Or are we so unaware of what we need in terms of partnership when we're young that it's next to impossible to be compatible with that same person 30 or 40 years down the road? In my experience, neither of these things is true. Unless addiction or illness adversely affects us, our essential nature doesn't change much over time. And, of course, we all know couples who are still compatible with and happily married to each other after decades together.

The truth is: we grow and evolve, and the type of mate that seemed right for us in our 20s may not be a good match in middle age. So we re-envision our ideal partner--someone who embodies the traits that we now realize are more in alignment with who we've become.

And so...older divorced people hire me as their dating coach because they still have hope that they can find a more compatible partner. Many of them think they've learned enough about themselves and relationships to now choose more wisely. And many of them are right. That's what happened to me. After two marriages and many dating relationships, I had a much clearer partner vision. I had finally figured out what type of man I get along with best. And, because I worked on my own issues and became more accepting, open-minded, self-loving, and kind, I eventually attracted the right man into my life through an online dating site at age 61. 

Yes, I believe older daters ARE usually wiser for 2 reasons:
1) They've learned some valuable lessons from their past mistakes and will consciously avoid choosing the same type of partner again.
2) They've experienced enough personal growth from these life lessons that they're more self-aware, able to admit and accept their own flaws, and thus more tolerant of others' flaws.

Acceptance of your partner warts and all is crucial for relationship success. But, often, as is the case with my divorcing clients, the "warts" you saw early on and thought you could deal with can become harder to tolerate as the years go by. 

A trait you didn't think much about or even overlooked in the early years of the marriage becomes a problem later. Things like codependence, judgmental or controlling behaviors, nonconformism, chauvinism, rebelliousness, or selfishness emerge and/or get worse over the years and then drive a wedge between you and your spouse--to the point you no longer feel connected or loving. The two of you gradually disengage and "grow apart"--and don't know how to reconnect so you can feel affectionate and be intimate again. 

You might stay together for reasons such as the kids, running a business together, your spouse's health challenges, having bought a property together, money problems, or dozens of other issues that make divorce seem like a difficult proposition. Some couples may even go on like this for years...UNTIL they finally get to the point that they're so miserable (possibly even on the verge of a nervous breakdown) that divorce seems like the only option. I was in that position, and it's a very sad place to be.

This is when having self-awareness and a good sense of self is particularly important. When you have both of these, you can more easily look honestly at yourself and the part you played in the deterioration of your marriage. And you can also define the characteristics most compatible with you in a partner...AND have the confidence and positive attitude needed to begin searching for that person. Thank goodness I had done all those things through years of therapy, self-esteem building, and personal growth.

How about you? Do you think you've grown wiser about dating? Do you have a clear partner vision as well as the strong self-esteem needed to be a good partner yourself? If so, fantastic! You're ready to embark on the journey to find your life partner and a healthy relationship. If not, drop me an email (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com). I'd love to help you prepare! 

Superb Photos Are KEY for Success With Online Dating

A client emailed me recently to say she was told by eHarmony that they wouldn't send her any more matches unless she uploaded another photo. She already had two posted but was advised to add a third. Obviously, the site has determined that it's not worth putting any more effort into finding matches for this 60+ lady unless the men viewing her profile get to see a wider variety of photos.

Interesting! I've always advised clients to post as many good photos as they could, including both well-lit closeups of them smiling (preferably shot professionally) and candid photos of them pursing their hobbies. But not until now have I heard a dating website refuse to help a paying client unless a certain photo quota was met (Ironic note: eHarmony clients pay more than they would to join most other dating sites).

In my experience with online dating a few years back, I definitely learned that more photos are better than less. It's a good idea to post several shots that give those perusing profiles a nice overview of your life and interests. It's fun for folks to learn more about you through a photo montage.

In addition to that excellent head shot with a warm, sincere smile, it's good for women to have a flattering full-body photo in a dress or skirt--looking pretty and feminine, which is very appealing to male prospects. And it's a great idea for a man to post a full-body photo of himself in a suit or nice outfit in addition to casual shots. Women love to envision how he might look when picking her up for a date going to a nice restaurant, concert, or play.

I've been telling clients for many years that great photos are also super-important because they're often the only thing anyone looks at when scrolling through online profiles. If someone isn't initially attracted to what he or she sees in your photos, he or she believes there's no reason to look at the rest of your profile. 

Then, if you look exactly like your photos when you meet, you've got a MUCH better chance of progressing further into the getting-to-know you dating process. If your photos are old, blurry, boring, or not representative of the current you, you've pretty much wasted your time, energy, and money trying to date online. In fact, research shows these interesting facts about online photos:

- First opinions are formed in less than 1/10th of a second (so your primary photo/closeup needs to be outstanding!)
- Full-body shots increase the number of messages you get by 203%
- A shot of you participating in one of your interests is the 2nd most important shot to post with your profile
- A photo of you with one or two other people or a with a pet (if you're a man) is the 3rd most important shot
- A travel or hobby shot is the 4th most important shot

With this info in mind, you can greatly increase your chances of success with online dating. It worked for me, and I'm betting it'll work for you too! 

P.S. I'd be happy to moral support and guide you through the process of profile creation, including recommending a good photographer, if you drop me a note at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com.