Are you saying no to the love of your life?

I just heard a great podcast with Julie Ferman (aka "Cupid's Coach) who provides matchmaking and dating coaching services to successful women looking for love. One thing in her interview really stood out: she said many women don't find the love of their life because they focus more on a man's "secondary" qualities like his height, age, job, hair, distance from her, the car he drives, and the age of his kids than they do on his "primary" qualities like values, personality, passions, respect for women, emotional IQ, parenting style, and readiness for commitment.

She said that, if she's found a great match for someone who then comes back to her after the first meeting and says "Great guy, no chemistry", she urges her to give him another chance. Then, she tells the man to plan a date that woman can't refuse--something, based on her passions, that she'd absolutely LOVE to do. Often, once the woman sees the guy again, lets him pamper her with the date of her dreams, and gets to know him better, she begins to see him in a different light. And, sometimes, a warm feeling grows between them that can make him look more attractive and appealing to her than he did at the first meeting. More times than not, she finds out he really IS a great guy who cherishes her and respects her, and love begins to bloom.

This happened to me several times during my dating years and has happened to clients and friends of mine too. Sometimes, we make a snap judgment about someone based on appearance and never give him/her a chance to show us his/her heart and soul. I can't tell you how many times a man's sense of humor, playfulness, intelligence, or laid-back manner won me over and caused me to be turned on by him...even after I'd predetermined he wasn't my physical type. Experience showed me that all 3 of these traits can be very sexy.

How about you...do you sometimes make snap judgments about potential dates based on the outer trappings of their lives rather than the inner person? If so, you could very well be passing up opportunities to forge deep, satisfying relationships with people who may turn out to be perfect for you. If this has happened to you, share your story. I'd love to hear about it! :-)

HAPPINESS IS CONTAGIOUS!

I read a great quote today that both my dating coaching and life coaching clients could benefit from:
"Anger, depression, and judging others--even the illusion of control--are all contagious. Far too often, however, we forget that HAPPINESS IS THE MOST CONTAGIOUS STATE OF MIND OF ALL."

I'm sure you've noticed how people who are smiling and happy give off vibes that rub off on those around them. If you've ever smiled back at a stranger walking down the street who smiled at you, you know how this feels. Yes, happiness and joy ARE contagious. They spread easily to anyone the happy person comes in contact with.

For singles circulating in both the world at large and singles events, this is wisdom worth noting, remembering, and putting into practice. There's nothing more "attractive" (that is, able to attract other people) than someone who's smiling and seems happy and having fun. Everyone wants to be around that person. He or she is a people magnet.

That's why my first advice to anyone seeking to attract dates and/or a long-term relationship in the dating world is to GET HAPPY YOURSELF. Create a fun-filled, rewarding life with friends, family and coworkers BEFORE you go out looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. Focus on getting all your ducks in a row and building a life of contentment. After you do that, it will be MUCH easier to attract another happy person into your life. And two happy people will always have a better connection and a smoother relationship than two miserable people (or even one happy + one miserable). It's just common sense.

My husband Jim and I both spent almost 9 years after our respective divorces redesigning our lives to be happier. Then and only then was it a good time for us to meet...so the chances of a successful relationship would be optimized. We met in June 2004 and were engaged 7 months later...all because we had each already gotten our lives and hearts to a place of peace and contentment.

How about you? Has this proven true in your life...or in the life of some couples you know who are happy together? I'd love to hear your input!

Want to stop playing the Blame Game?

Recently, I read an article that said the main reason relationships go south is that our hard wiring makes us instinctively want to offload our anxiety and stress onto others...so we wind up pointing the finger of blame at those with whom we're in close relationships because they're easy targets.

If you've ever lashed out unfairly at your spouse, significant other, or the person you're currently dating, you know all about this. The article says scapegoating like this is an ancient defense mechanism in the brain that's unconscious yet powerful. In caveman days, it was a useful survival instinct that unloaded our distracting, annoying anxiety so our fight-or-flight response would be sharper and better able to keep us alert and safe. Nowadays, though, blaming others when we're stressed out only leads to conflict.

The weird thing is: When we're stressed out and blame or criticize other people for what's out of control in our lives, we tend to believe they're somehow at fault. But, in fact, this is just our anxiety talking. Unfortunately, the other person will likely feel unjustly accused and get angry, leading to a fight or even a breakup...a breakup that could have been avoided. If the blamer understood this instinctive tendency to blame others in times of stress, he or she could have managed the anxiety somehow without taking it out on the other person...and thus preserved a great relationship.

I've caught myself playing this Blame Game with my unsuspecting, innocent-of-any-wrongdoing husband who definitely doesn't deserve to be picked on. I'm hoping this awareness of my cavewoman instinct to offload my stress on him will help me stop attacking him in the future. How about you? Think this info will come in handy in your relationships? Drop me a line to share your thoughts! :-)

Older Wives & Younger Husbands

When I was dating online in my late 40s, I had about 50 "coffee dates" with a variety of men of all ages from 8 different websites over a 14-month period. About 6 months into that 14 months, I began to realize that the men my age or younger were the ones I got along with best. They were more energetic, more likely to have kids around my kids' ages, younger at heart, and more attractive to me physically. And so, when I turned 49, I started specifying in my profile that I was seeking men age 45-50.

Prior to that, I'd been open to dating men 5 years older than me. And I certainly did have long-term relationships with a few. But, when I look back on my 9 years of post-divorce dating, I realize that 7 of the 10 men I dated during those years were younger than me. And the 3 who weren't had differences with me that were significant. (Full disclosure: my first husband was exactly the same age as me, and my current husband is 7 years younger.)

Nowadays, you see a fair amount of media coverage of the "cougar" syndrome--older women dating and marrying younger men. And I wonder why people make such a big deal about it. Age, in my opinion, is just a number. And, if we're honest, most of us will agree that the compatibility between 2 people has a LOT more to do with life experience, values, attitudes, lifestyle factors, maturity level, and philosophies of life than it does with age.

I only personally know 4 other married couples with an age gap of 3 or more years between the younger husband and older wife. Even in the 21st century--with attitudes about men, women, and relationships becoming more progressive every day--there still seems to be a societal stigma against women being older than their husbands. Why else would the word "cougar" be used...as if we ladies are animals on the prowl for young prey. I personally find the term offensive.

I'm wondering what you think. Do you know any younger husband-older wife couples? If so, do they seem well suited? Does their age gap cause any problems? Do you think the man in the relationship was more progressive than most since he was open to dating an older woman? Please drop a note and share your views...especially if you're in such a relationship yourself. I'd love to hear about your experiences!

Online Dating Profiles That Grab Attention

I've been helping women clients write profiles for a long time, and I usually keep them simple--a paragraph describing the woman's personality, values and unique qualities followed by a paragraph describing the kind of man she's most compatible with. Short and sweet...because most men tell me they don't want to read a lot online; they're more interested in a woman's photo, age and geographic proximity.

Men, on the other hand, never seek my help with profile writing...even though I make it known to them that I offer that service to save them time and trouble. Most usually go ahead and write a few sentences about themselves and hope for the best. Because these writeups are often brief, many women clients tell me they wish the guys had written more. I did too when I was dating online.

Now, however, it's come to my attention that a lot of men are taking the time to write more-detailed profiles, and some are getting pretty creative with it too. One 41-year-old Philadelphia man I met recently told me his profile is a descriptive analogy about him as if he were a book. It was clever and funny and, I'm sure, would grab a woman's attention and set him apart as more imaginative than the other guys online. Another man on Match.com wrote an amusing essay about the difference between a girl and a "grown woman" and said he preferred the latter. Again, a creative approach bound to distinguish him as an insightful, deep-thinker kind of guy with a good sense of humor.

My question is: are these guys' offbeat profiles more likely than a straightforward profile to impress the women reading them? Will they tell the ladies enough about the guy to entice them to drop him an e-mail? Or will they seem too "over the top" and not "real" enough to get a woman to take an interest and get in touch? I'm guessing that it depends on the woman reading it. But I'd LOVE to hear from both men and women online daters about this.

I'm also wondering if you've noticed that more men write these creative types of profiles than women do. Drop me a line with your observations and insights. Thanks!

GUYS: ARE WOMEN INTIMIDATING?

I can't tell you how many single, divorced, and widowed women tell me that men often find them intimidating. They say that, in their experience, many men over 40 aren't comfortable with a woman who's been independent (on her own) for a while. They sometimes feel insecure and wonder if she's "out of their league".

And here's what some guys tell me:
1)They're put off by a woman who's travelled the world or had a high-powered career because they don't think she'd look up to him or be impressed by him.
2)They're not sure how to deal with a woman who has a full, happy life because they wonder where they'd fit into her life or how they could ever feel needed by or important to her.

These are legitimate concerns, and they make sense. But do they really ring true? My guess is that, rather than intimidating, it's more the case that men find women confusing and complicated. And, if a woman has a different kind of life experience, education, or success story than they do, they're not sure how to approach her, talk to her, and impress her.

What do you think, guys? Am I totally off-base? Even close? Sort of in the ballpark? I'd love to hear your take on this...to educate myself and to help make it easier for my single women clients to understand and accept you. This sure would make dating and relating a lot easier for both men and women, wouldn't it?

Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Have you ever felt intimidated when getting to know a new woman? If so, why? And what do women need to know about you that would make things flow better in this regard?

Thanks in advance for your input!

Single Women: Do you LIKE men?

This may sound like a funny question, but it crosses my mind often when I talk to single/divorced women at my seminars or as clients. After listening to a litany of complaints and criticisms of men (the ones they divorced and the ones they've dated since then), I start to wonder: Do they like men at all? Don't they know any fabulous, big-hearted guys?

Granted, when people come to me for one-on-one dating help or advice at a seminar, they're usually in a fairly negative place. They've tried a lot of things that haven't worked...had a lot of disappointments in the dating world...and are losing faith and/or giving up. They're about to throw up their hands and scream "I've looked everywhere, and I can't find any decent men!" So it's no surprise I tend to hear more negative than positive commentaries on a day-to-day basis.

Just once, I'd love to hear a female client say to me "I really like men. In fact, I have a bunch of great male friends, and I'm friendly with my ex-husband now. I just need new ideas for crossing paths with guys who are my type for dating." Wow! It'd be a breeze getting a woman like that more dates! She's got the type of attitude that makes her a man magnet! :-)

Unfortunately, most of the women who seek my help have not-so-flattering opinions of men and carry an array of toxic emotions related to past experiences with guys, including mistrust, anger, disillusionment, disgust, and fear. (Of course, men sometimes carry similar emotions, but that's another blog.) They're often very judgmental, unforgiving, and uncompassionate. Because they don't understand men enough to know why they do the things they do, the tend to make incorrect snap judgments about them and to write them off as uncouth, uncultured, or inappropriate. Pretty soon, they're letting their experiences with the "bad apples" color their thinking and feelings about ALL single/divorced men. And that's sad.

Sad because they could be passing up some genuinely nice guys. I could tell the story of the generous, devoted, supportive man I met online and married until I'm blue in the face. But they tend to think I was "lucky" and their chances of finding the same are nonexistent. I disagree...because it was after I changed my attitude about men that nicer guys came into my life.

An attitude shift (along with my guidance as to where they're more likely to find nice guys) can totally change these women's search results. The better they understand the deep-felt emotions that are under the surface for most men, the more open-hearted and accepting they'll be when meeting new men. And there's nothing more attractive to a man than an understanding, accepting woman. Try it and see! And let me know how it goes or what you think. I'd love to hear from you!