In-Person Meetings for Online Daters During COVID?

During the pandemic, lots of folks have moved their socializing outside to maintain the 6 feet of distance medical experts recommend. But can this apply to that first get-together for singles in the online dating world?

A coach colleague of mine who is using Internet dating right now thinks it can.

She says she's been meeting in person with the different men she's contacted on the dating sites after email exchanges, phone conversations, and video chats. How? By arranging social distance walks, outdoor picnics, and bike rides--all the while keeping a safe distance away. 

Meeting in person, of course, is the only way to figure out whether you're attracted to someone. So it's a critical step in the online dating process.

If you aren't high risk for COVID-19 yourself and aren't caring for or living with an elderly person or anyone else who is, you might feel comfortable doing this. My colleague lives alone and works from home, so she doesn't come into contact with a lot of people in general. 

I know plenty of of folks (myself included) who currently do feel OK about venturing out for activities in the outdoors such as meeting a friend for a walk or eating at an outdoor restaurant (wearing masks and staying a safe distance apart), so this might be something to consider. 

I could see the value in it for online daters who have established a rapport with someone electronically and then want to meet to verify that there's mutual attraction and an easy flow of conversation "in the real world" (2 of the primary factors for determining whether you two will go any further in getting to know each other). 

I know I always feel a little more relaxed when I'm outside, and conversation while walking is sometimes easier because you aren't face-to-face with a stranger as you would be in coffee shop or bar (typical for first meetings with online prospects). As my coach colleague says, "There's less pressure to make something happen. Things can unfold in a more natural rhythm."

Anthropologist and researcher Helen Fisher, PhD, concurs. She says the pandemic has forced daters to slow things down, so they're taking more time to get to know people via email/phone/video chat and not moving too quickly to become intimate.

What's your opinion? Would you try an outdoor meeting with a new dating prospect? Why or why not? I'd love it if you would drop me a line and let me know what you think!   gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com

A Good Time to Assess Your Dating History

As the pandemic drags on and dating searches are on a hiatus (at least the in-person meeting part of them), you may find yourself with time on your hands. 

Some good uses of that time, as I've written before, are to: 
- do the necessary personal growth and healing work to become healthier emotionally and psychologically and thus more able to attract a healthy partner

- do more careful searches of online dating sites and then take more time writing persuasive emails and having longer phone or video chats to get to know new people as you prepare to meet later (when it's safe to do so)

Both of these can be valuable pursuits. But another good use of your time would be to get out a pad and pen and chronicle your "dating history". This is a list and assessment of the various romantic relationships you've had over the years to understand why they did or didn't last and to remind yourself of what each breakup taught you. 

Have you ever done this? It can be very enlightening and is especially helpful as you try to avoid repeating past mistakes. It also helps you see your strengths and weaknesses as a dater, so you can make improvements in your dating search strategies and the way you relate with the new people you meet.

Here's how to begin: Make 5 columns on a piece of paper, labelled Partner Name, Duration of Relationship, Who Initiated Breakup, Reason for Breakup, What I Learned. 

Here's an example from my own dating life (my first serious relationship at age 19):
John A.--1.5 years--John--He wanted to date other people too but I didn't--I felt rejected and hurt by his request because he was my first lover, and, after assessing things, I ultimately realized I had incorrectly assumed he felt as committed to me as I felt to him. I learned that it's not smart to make assumptions: ask the person instead.

How does your list look? 
- Relationship duration: Were several of your relationships 3 months or less? If so, does this indicate anything about a fear of commitment on either person's part? Or were many of them years long but led nowhere? What does that tell you?
- Breakup initiation: Did you initiate more of the breakups? If so, why do you think that is? 
- Reasons for breakup: Were the reasons for breaking up similar? If so, was there a pattern that raises a red flag about a weakness in choosing appropriate partners? Or a certain behavior that repeatedly thwarts your chances of success?
- What you learned: Were the lessons you learned utilized in future relationships? If not, why do you think you attract people who ultimately wind up giving you the opportunity to learn the same lesson about yourself, the opposite sex, or relationships in general that you thought you'd already learned?

A relationship history can reveal important things that may really help you on your future dating world journey. Examples include:
- You have a pattern of unconsciously choosing partners similar to your controlling father and wind up leaving because you feel unheard and disrespected
- You haven't been in a serious relationship more than 6 months because fears come up the longer you're with someone
- You are so clingy in relationships that the other person feels pressured and eventually leaves

Be really honest with yourself when doing this assessment. That's the only way to uncover important truths about your past and present relationship patterns--so you can then address those things and be a better dater in the future. 

I'd love to hear what you've discovered. Drop me a line to share, if you feel comfortable. Then, if needed, let me support you in making changes and/or putting your lessons to work for you--so you have more success with dating after the dating world opens up again. 
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

A Partner Should Be Your "Cherry on Top"

If you're single, I want you to think back to when you had a partner. Did you take for granted the fact that you were in a loving relationship? Or did you cherish it and feel grateful for it every day? Hopefully, the latter.

Remember how great it felt to share life's ups and downs, happy and sad times, and everything in between with someone who cared about and supported you? That's what all my single, divorced, and widowed clients are looking for--the type of partnership and sharing that makes life richer and more fulfilling.

But there's one thing I caution them about as they search for and nurture such a partnership: don't make your partner the center of your universe. Instead, I encourage singles to think of that person as "the cherry on top" of their already-wonderful life--one that was fun and fulfilling before their partner came along and that could be that way again if for some reason the partnership ended.

My point? You are the common denominator in any relationship you have. If YOU are content and living a life that's interesting, joyful, and filled with people and experiences you love, anyone else you welcome into your world will be a "cherry on top" of that wonderful life.

I learned from personal experience the danger of letting too much of my own happiness depend on the man in my life. I was a "people pleaser" who tried to conform to what my partner wanted, rather than considering what I wanted. The result? I wound up resenting my partner when he didn't seem interested in my needs and desires.

This, of course, wasn't fair to him because he didn't know what I needed and desired--because I didn't tell him. In fact, I didn't really know myself. I was so focused on pleasing him and trying to do and be what he wanted, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed for a "juicy" and sweet life.

Today, I'm older and wiser. I know what activities, people, and pursuits make each day glorious...and I intentionally integrate those things into my life. Some involve my partner; others don't. If he wasn't in my life, I would still be creating joyful moments and "following my bliss" by pursuing my passions. And life would be good.

How about you? What lights up your life? Here are a few examples from mine, most of which I can enjoy even when I don't have a partner (and none of which involve the work I do for a living, though I love that too): 

o swimming, cycling or walking every day

o watching the birds from my porch swing

o walking/hiking/boating with (or without) friends

o playing board games

o doing yoga

o sharing new culinary experiences with my son or daughter

o reading fiction and nonfiction books

o watching old and new movies

o savoring a new flavor of herbal tea

o facilitating a book discussion group

o doing motivational talks at retirement communities

o listening to all types of music

o dancing (alone or with others)

o baking cookies, cakes, and quick breads

o indulging in a new TV series on Netflix

o doing crossword puzzles

o tending my flower and vegetable gardens

o volunteering for my church

o writing educational articles and blogs

o taking online classes and listening to podcasts to learn new things

Whatever makes you feel alive and happy is important--whether you're single or part of a couple. If you need support as you incorporate more of those things into your life, let me know. If you're single, doing that could make you a natural attractor for the "cherry on top" person you've been seeking!

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Gratitude Helps You in the Dating World

"Gratitude not only helps us feel more confident, but it's scientifically proven to help us win new relationships." 

That is according to a matchmaker with Tawkify, a human-powered matchmaking website launched in 2012. "When you're more grateful for the life you already have, you're more likely to see dating as a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task that isn't going anywhere for you."

I've written many times before about the importance of confidence in the dating world. In fact, another coach I follow says it's 70% of the dating success formula. I'm sure we'd all agree that a confident person is more attractive than a timid, insecure person--and lots more fun to be with. But the idea that gratitude facilitates confidence puts an interesting new spin on it!

It makes perfect sense that people who are grateful for what they already have in their lives would be more confident in pursuing other things too--like dating partners. The fact that such folks see dating as "a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task" is the key point. They're focusing on the positive--which is a great approach when striving toward any life goal.

Rather than worrying about what they don't have, they savor what they DO have--and feel far more content. They exude what I like to call "happy vibes," which naturally attract others to them. Sounds simple...but, if you've had more dating disappointments than successes, you may find it hard to stay in a happy, positive place. I get it. I clearly remember having many bouts of sadness in the years I was dating.

Doesn't it make sense then to use gratitude as a tool to get you back to feeling positive? Research shows that even writing a short list of things you're grateful for 5 minutes every day can have a beneficial impact on your mood and attitude. Do you do that regularly? If not, I highly recommend it. I make a list of 10 things I'm grateful for every day, and it makes me feel calm and content, no matter what's going on in my life.

Ready to feel more positive about the dating world? Then count your blessings! If you need moral support to do that more often, let me know. I'd be happy to help!

Email: gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com  Phone: 267-245-3023

How Flexible Are You in the Dating World?

A January 2020 article in the Atlantic Magazine entitled "What It's Like to Date After Middle Age" was filled with fascinating info. But the one statement that jumped out at me was "Finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult as you age. Over the years, people say they become more picky, less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long." 

In my coaching practice, I certainly hear clients say that they think they've become more picky and less willing to compromise on what they want in a partner. And, yes, I can relate to that as a 66-year-old who definitely had very specific parameters when I was in the dating world. I always say it's good to have a clear "partner vision".

But the idea that someone might "harden" into a self that's less willing or able to be flexible enough to "bend themselves to fit with someone else" is sad to hear. 

It implies that older people are less able to find a middle ground, to compromise, and to accept other people as they are. Sure, we all might get a little "set in our ways" as we grow older and more comfortable in our own skin. But I think all the years of living can also help us to improve our ability to adapt and adjust to what life brings us...including dating partners. 

An unwillingness to bend certainly wasn't my experience when I started dating the man I've been with for 5 years (he was 60, I was 61 when we met). In my experience, I've found that, when I'm getting to know someone and begin having feelings for him, I naturally take his wants and needs into account as well as my own. 

My guy certainly did that for me too...and continues to. He has adjusted to and accepted many things about me that are very different from him, and generally it doesn't seem to have been that tough for him to do. Why? Because love motivates us to open our hearts and minds to the person we care about--and to do whatever we can to facilitate his or her happiness. 

What a gift it is to have the love of someone willing to "bend" in my direction for the sake of our relationship! His love and kindness motivate me to try to be more flexible in thinking of his needs and desires too--which helps tremendously as we compromise in the ways necessary to fit together and operate as a team, a partnership.

How about you? Are you finding yourself so hardened that you're not sure you could find someone you'll fit with? Do you need help being more open to different types of people? I'd love to support you in that effort. Get in touch!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023) 

Listening Is Vital for Dating and Relationships

How well do you listen to others? Have poor listening skills negatively affected your relationships with family, friends, colleagues, bosses, or the people you were dating or in relationship with? If we're honest, most of us have to admit we could be better listeners. I know I could be. 

In fact, better listening is my top priority with my partner. But it's hard for me because I'm a big talker who is uncomfortable with silence. And, in my relationship, it's even trickier because my partner is a better listener than talker and is sometimes hesitant to reveal what he's thinking or feeling.

Sound familiar? Luckily, there is hope if we learn more about and practice better listening.

My research about and experience in the dating world and in my serious partnerships has shown me one thing very clearly: active listening is vital when getting to know someone in the beginning and when nurturing relationships along the way.

Research shows that the ability to listen carefully and then empathize with someone can do wonders for any relationship. Here are some tips to help you incorporate empathetic listening skills into your relationships:

• Refrain from talking. Sounds easy, but I can attest to the fact it isn't. Your first impulse might involve adding your "two cents" before the other person has finished talking. While you might think you are actively involving yourself with his or her issue, in truth you may be limiting or halting the person's ability to communicate. Keep silent until he or she pauses for a response from you.
• Acknowledge the other person's feelings. Empathy means you sympathize and understand. You can verbalize this by repeating what the person has told you and prefacing it with a statement such as, "I understand that you are feeling…"
• Ask for clarity. Sometimes listening involves clarifying not only what the person says but what he or she means. Once you restate what the other person has said, ask for clarification if you are confused.
• Remain neutral. Hot topics often involve raised voices and emotional outbursts. If you want to empathize, you've got to stay neutral.
• Listen to not only what is being said but also to what may not be said. This may include fears, doubts, concerns, and even dreams.
• Listen respectfully…no matter how angry you might be.
• Wait to think about your reply. Don't begin composing it in your mind until the other person has completely finished talking.
• Start with empathy. Repeat an overall concern of the other person to show that you have in fact been listening.
• Don't jump to conclusions.
• Be an active listener. Maintain eye contact and watch your body language.

So, how good are you at listening well to what a new dating prospect says when you first meet? And how well do you listen to his or her answers when you ask those important getting-to-know-you questions during the first few months? What about later, when you're in a relationship and trying to strengthen your connection?

I know it's not easy, but I've been practicing active listening in my relationship for a while, and I'd be happy to share with you what I've learned. If you need support in this effort at any stage of dating or relating, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!

(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)

DATE YOURSELF FIRST!

There is a 2005 book called Marry Yourself  First! by Ken Donaldson, which I sometimes recommend to my clients as they prepare for dating. As the subhead says, it's about designing a life of passion, power & purpose. It emphasizes the importance of creating your own happiness before you seek a husband or life partner and expect him to do that for you.

I agree wholeheartedly...and I always urge my clients seeking healthy partnerships to get healthy and happy themselves first. 

For my female clients, this can be tough. Often, they're so busy focusing on making other people happy (their parents, kids, bosses, clients, friends, etc.) that they don't know what makes them happy. Even if they do know, they often don't carve out time to do those things.

This is what I mean when I say "Date Yourself First". Plan some fun for yourself. Pamper yourself. Do things you love! There's no need to wait for someone to accompany you. A happy, healthy woman knows how to thoroughly enjoy her own company--wherever she is, whatever she's doing.

That's the philosophy of a female self-empowerment expert I like named Regena Thomashauer (aka "Mama Gena"), and it's why I recommend her books,  website (http://mamagenas.com/), and events to my single/divorced/widowed women clients. Her enterprise--The School of Womanly Arts--helps women get back in touch with and learn how to express their desires and needs. Mama Gena believes that the only way to manifest what you want in your life is to clearly define it and then have the confidence to ask for it.  

This was hard for me for many years...until I discovered Mama Gena. She asked us to gather with a group of women, make a "Desires" list, and then share it aloud with everyone. This is easier said than done, but, after a few months of practice, I got more comfortable doing it. Mama Gena helped me learn how to ask the people in my life for what I wanted as a request rather than a demand--as a favor rather than an expectation. It worked especially well with the men in my life and eventually helped me form healthier bonds and more fulfilling partnerships than I'd ever had before (including the relationship I'm in now at age 66). 

How about you? Do you feel you might need to get in better touch with your desires? Do you want to strengthen your ability to create your own happiness and, as a result, attract someone to share it with you? If so, I highly recommend reading and doing all the exercises in Thomashauer's first book Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. 

I'd be happy to support you as you do that! Just call me at 267-245-3023 or email gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com.