Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Still wondering if he's really into you?

You've probably heard about the 2004 book for single women He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys written by a man and woman who scripted the "Sex and the City" TV series. I highly recommend this book because it is a no-nonsense look at how to tell if a man is really interested in dating you and having a long-term relationship with you. Here are the "he's really into you" signs discussed in the book: 1) He asks you out on a date soon after meeting you. 2) He calls you frequently just to talk. 3) He wants to go out with you regularly and plans fun dates. 4) He can't keep his eyes and hands off you (likes to be affectionate). 5) He wants to have sex with you but only when you're ready. 6) He does not want to have sex with other people too. 7) He's emotionally available (not married or getting over a past relationship). What I know from coaching single women for the last 6 years is that they actually already know all these signs of a man who's really into them, but--more often than not--they wind up settling for or endlessly analyzing the confusing behavior of men who don't give them these signs. In other words, they spend too much time hoping men will show these signs or make excuses for them if they don't... rather than facing the fact it's time to move on and find other men who really ARE into them. Why do women do this? In my opinion, there are 4 major reasons: 1) They don't really believe they're pretty enough/good enough/fascinating enough to attract a fabulous guy who is truly interested in them as a person (it always amazes me how much self-doubt and low self-esteem many gorgeous, accomplished, fun-to-be-with women feel inside.) 2) They are socially "programmed" to want to please men, so they focus too much on being what guys want in a woman rather than figuring out and striving for what they want in a man. As a result, even though they all want to be "wooed" and treated as the special creatures they are, they don't expect (much less ask for) that because, deep down, they're not sure they deserve it and don't believe he'd provide it. 3) They are so impatient that they attempt to control the pre-dating process by making all the first moves (being too anxious or assertive), thus not allowing men to experience one of the most fun, rewarding parts of dating: winning a woman over. 4) They have an unfounded belief that "all the good ones are taken" and thus resign themselves to finding someone who's "good enough" rather than truly wonderful. In these cases, women will accept far less attention than they desire (and sometimes even poor treatment) because they're not sure they could find another man who wants to be with them. It's really sad to hear the women I coach having so little confidence in their ability to attract a really great guy who's totally mesmerized by them. Even sadder, when such a guy does come into their life, they find it hard to trust that he's sincere. They either don't feel worthy of his adoration/affection or they wonder if he's a "player." The wind up being overly cautious, even mistrusting, and relationships aren't allowed to unfold naturally as men attempt to get to know them better. If you're one of these women (or a man who's been disappointed in relationships with such women), let me know. I'd love to help. And please share your stories on this topic in return post. Happy dating!