Solitude as a Teacher for Singles Ready to Date

 All my life, I avoided solitude. It was easy when I was one of 5 kids in a small house...and effortless in a dorm for 3 years in college living with a bunch of other girls and in grad school living with 2 fellow students. 

I had my first taste of living alone in my own apartment at age 23 and slowly began to like it. Granted, I still had a lot of people contact hanging out with 3 neighbors my age in the same building, working at a busy publishing company, and long-distance dating a man I'd met in grad school. It was a nice balance.

But, then, after my divorce at 41, I experienced loneliness for the first time. I had lots of alone time when my 2 kids were with their dad. The feeling was uncomfortable and foreign to me, so I immediately made plans to NOT be alone, by attending singles and hiking groups at least 3 times a week. But I also balanced those outings with time doing solo activities I enjoyed, such as watching rented movies, reading self-help books, walking in nature, baking, exercising every day, and talking to old friends on the phone.

And, of course, I've worked alone from home as a self-employed writer, editor, and coach for 37 years. So I'm now OK with solitude.

How about you? Are you comfortable with the isolation and solitude you've had to deal with during the pandemic? If you're single and live alone, it might be tough at times. If you want to date but have less options now, solitude is becoming a way of life you didn't choose but now must adapt to. 

It can be challenging unless you use your alone time to do things that move you closer to your goal of finding love. Here are 4 ways to do that (by being someone who's better able to attract a partner):

- Read books or take classes about dating and/or personal growth--so you can resolve any issues that might have blocked love in your life

- Meditate, pray, and/or do yoga or other body or breath work--so you can get more centered and content with yourself and your world

- Spend time in nature, boosting your spirits and sense of calm and inner peace-- so you'll be a happier, kinder person 

- Write in a journal to explore the lessons you've learned from all your past relationships--so you can go forward now with new wisdom about being a healthy partner

If you need support pursuing these things, I'm here for you!

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

Is It Hard for You to Stay Positive About Dating?

One of the top 5 things singles say they find attractive about dating prospects is an upbeat outlook on life. We can all agree it's nice to be around someone with a positive attitude...and a downer to be around someone who's negative. 

But it can be hard to be upbeat in the age of COVID. Not only is fear about contracting the virus a factor, but a lot of folks struggle with adjusting to the limitations in their life brought on by social distancing and the resulting reduction in fun things to do. Maybe that describes you. I get it. It's hard to stay positive when there's so much uncertainty...and few things you can reliably look forward to right now.

So...what can you do to stave off despondency about the situation and keep your energy level high and your vibes positive so you can attract more dates? The answer is simple: extreme self-care and an injection of joy every day.

Extreme Self-Care

Doesn't it feel good to take really good care of yourself? Isn't every day more enjoyable when you're paying close attention to your self-care needs? And aren't your spirits and energy levels a lot better when you give yourself the TLC you need and deserve? Absolutely! That means eating delicious, healthy food; getting plenty of sleep; doing exercises you enjoy; spending quality time with friends and family; scheduling preventive healthcare visits; and planning relaxing, pampering activities like massages, hot baths, and manicures on a regular basis. When you do all these things consistently, you can't help but feel happier...which definitely takes your positive vibes up a notch.

Daily Joy Injections

Doing things that bring you joy naturally makes you feel and exude more joy--which, of course, makes you fun to be around. Yet you might be like a lot of people who fail to commit to doing this often enough to maintain a positive outlook. You get caught up in your day-to-day routine or life's inevitable challenges and don't notice that you haven't felt happy in a while. Or it's been a long time since you were excited or enthusiastic about something. That means it's time to inject some joy! Think about the activities, people, places, entertainment, projects, etc. that make you feel truly alive. Create a plan to put at least one of those into your life every single day. 

OK, are you ready for "Positivity Bootcamp"? Here's your assignment:

Add self-care and joy to your daily to-do list if it's hard for you to prioritize these things. Do that for 2 weeks. Then, step back and see whether your attitude about life and dating is more positive than before. I bet it will be...which will make it a lot easier to attract the type of people you want to date.

If you need help making this 2-week commitment to yourself, give me a call. I'm here to support you.

267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com 

You MUST Let Go of Yesterday Before Dating Today

Recently, a prospective client called me about divorce support coaching...but told me she couldn't stop thinking about her ex-husband of 32 years, even though he'd been abusive for most of their marriage. I recommended she get grief counseling to cope with that loss. I knew she wouldn't be ready for me to help her plan her new single life unless she'd completely let go of her old married life.

The same is true when you're thinking about dating again after divorce or widowhood: it's best to heal your past before you start planning your future. You must do your best to have a "clean slate" emotionally and psychologically so you can potentially open your heart to someone new. It's common sense and it's essential.

You need to get through the various stages of grieving any loss if you want to be ready to make a fresh start. A grief counselor is trained to help you do that.

As a dating coach, I help people prepare for and implement the dating process. In order to be successful searching for and building a relationship with a new partner, I encourage daters to do everything possible to be in a positive, healthy place in all aspects of their lives before we begin working together. Sometimes, that might mean getting support from a grief counselor. 

In addition to someone who still has an emotional attachment to an ex-partner, here are a few other examples of people who aren't yet ready for dating coaching:

o Someone who is still angry or desperately sad about his or her last relationship

o Someone who has negative feelings about the dating world in general or the opposite sex in particular, such as "Dating is too hard and takes too much time" or "There are no good men left" or "I never meet anyone who's looking for a serious relationship" or "All the women out there are mentally unstable" (Yes, I've heard this from male clients)

o Someone who has a poor self-image and doesn't believe he/she is attractive and/or worthy of love

o Someone who is struggling with a mental health challenge such as bipolar disorder, anxiety, or depression; such syndromes need to be well managed before anyone enters the dating realm

If you or someone you know wants to start dating again, I can help determine whether he/she is ready to move forward with that. Or...if you or they need a referral to a grief counselor as a first step, let me know. I'm happy to assist.

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

ONLINE DATING APP DESIGNED BY WOMEN

Women clients ask me all the time if I can recommend any online dating sites they may not have heard of--something new to try to increase their chances of meeting different men. Here is one I find interesting:

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL (www.coffeemeetsbagel.com) 

This is the description of Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB) from its website:

"Grabbing coffee is the low-pressure date idea that lets you skip trying to choose a dressy-but-not-too-dressy outfit for a concert or a restaurant. Coffee Meets Bagel is aiming to bring that easygoing atmosphere to the world of dating apps. 

Millions and millions of active users is usually a plus. It is nice to know that your options are virtually limitless, but things go from flattering to chaotic real fast when people hit you up 30 seconds after matching. This happens on eHarmony and Tinder alike—people want that connection, and they want it NOW. CMB's slow and steady approach is great for singles who are rusty, a bit more introverted, or who simply don't feel like scrolling every time they have a free minute."

Here's how it works:

Once a day, CMB offers 7 of its best matches (bagels) for you, chosen by your answers to prompts, who you said yes or no to in yesterday's batch, and who has also expressed interest in you. It sets a deadline by which you have to either "like" or "pass". If there is a mutual "like," you're instantly connected to that match via a text message (without the other person seeing your real phone number). Then, the app sends you to a private chat room with icebreaker questions to get things started. 

CMB even lets you choose to be shown only "friends of friends" by connecting the service to your Facebook account, or you can choose to keep it anonymous and private.

CMB claims that not being bombarded with available matches 24/7 gives you more time to contemplate whether you genuinely want to get to know various guys or whether you're just messaging them because you're bored. CMB's design arranges profiles to put less emphasis on selfies and a witty one-liner and more on personality and bios.

This definitely sounds refreshingly different from other dating sites out there. It lets you take your time in reviewing and responding to matches--which is appropriate right now during the pandemic when you can't rush into an in-person meeting anyway.

Another thing that makes CMB different is that it was founded by women, unlike most of the other dating sites. The 3 sisters who created it believe women want authenticity, privacy, a more controlled environment, and a quick path to a safe, easy offline meeting. I can attest to that--from what my female clients tell me (especially those over 50).

The cost is $34.99/month if you opt for 1 month only; $24.99/month if you join for 3 months; or $19.99/month if you choose a 6-month membership--very reasonable prices compared to other sites.

So ladies, what do you think? Are you ready to try a new approach in the world of cyber dating? This could be a good choice. Let me know if you need help writing a profile for Coffee Meets Bagels. I'm happy to assist! And I'd love to hear from anyone who's tried the app. Thanks! 

(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com; 267-245-3023)

In-Person Meetings for Online Daters During COVID?

During the pandemic, lots of folks have moved their socializing outside to maintain the 6 feet of distance medical experts recommend. But can this apply to that first get-together for singles in the online dating world?

A coach colleague of mine who is using Internet dating right now thinks it can.

She says she's been meeting in person with the different men she's contacted on the dating sites after email exchanges, phone conversations, and video chats. How? By arranging social distance walks, outdoor picnics, and bike rides--all the while keeping a safe distance away. 

Meeting in person, of course, is the only way to figure out whether you're attracted to someone. So it's a critical step in the online dating process.

If you aren't high risk for COVID-19 yourself and aren't caring for or living with an elderly person or anyone else who is, you might feel comfortable doing this. My colleague lives alone and works from home, so she doesn't come into contact with a lot of people in general. 

I know plenty of of folks (myself included) who currently do feel OK about venturing out for activities in the outdoors such as meeting a friend for a walk or eating at an outdoor restaurant (wearing masks and staying a safe distance apart), so this might be something to consider. 

I could see the value in it for online daters who have established a rapport with someone electronically and then want to meet to verify that there's mutual attraction and an easy flow of conversation "in the real world" (2 of the primary factors for determining whether you two will go any further in getting to know each other). 

I know I always feel a little more relaxed when I'm outside, and conversation while walking is sometimes easier because you aren't face-to-face with a stranger as you would be in coffee shop or bar (typical for first meetings with online prospects). As my coach colleague says, "There's less pressure to make something happen. Things can unfold in a more natural rhythm."

Anthropologist and researcher Helen Fisher, PhD, concurs. She says the pandemic has forced daters to slow things down, so they're taking more time to get to know people via email/phone/video chat and not moving too quickly to become intimate.

What's your opinion? Would you try an outdoor meeting with a new dating prospect? Why or why not? I'd love it if you would drop me a line and let me know what you think!   gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com

A Good Time to Assess Your Dating History

As the pandemic drags on and dating searches are on a hiatus (at least the in-person meeting part of them), you may find yourself with time on your hands. 

Some good uses of that time, as I've written before, are to: 
- do the necessary personal growth and healing work to become healthier emotionally and psychologically and thus more able to attract a healthy partner

- do more careful searches of online dating sites and then take more time writing persuasive emails and having longer phone or video chats to get to know new people as you prepare to meet later (when it's safe to do so)

Both of these can be valuable pursuits. But another good use of your time would be to get out a pad and pen and chronicle your "dating history". This is a list and assessment of the various romantic relationships you've had over the years to understand why they did or didn't last and to remind yourself of what each breakup taught you. 

Have you ever done this? It can be very enlightening and is especially helpful as you try to avoid repeating past mistakes. It also helps you see your strengths and weaknesses as a dater, so you can make improvements in your dating search strategies and the way you relate with the new people you meet.

Here's how to begin: Make 5 columns on a piece of paper, labelled Partner Name, Duration of Relationship, Who Initiated Breakup, Reason for Breakup, What I Learned. 

Here's an example from my own dating life (my first serious relationship at age 19):
John A.--1.5 years--John--He wanted to date other people too but I didn't--I felt rejected and hurt by his request because he was my first lover, and, after assessing things, I ultimately realized I had incorrectly assumed he felt as committed to me as I felt to him. I learned that it's not smart to make assumptions: ask the person instead.

How does your list look? 
- Relationship duration: Were several of your relationships 3 months or less? If so, does this indicate anything about a fear of commitment on either person's part? Or were many of them years long but led nowhere? What does that tell you?
- Breakup initiation: Did you initiate more of the breakups? If so, why do you think that is? 
- Reasons for breakup: Were the reasons for breaking up similar? If so, was there a pattern that raises a red flag about a weakness in choosing appropriate partners? Or a certain behavior that repeatedly thwarts your chances of success?
- What you learned: Were the lessons you learned utilized in future relationships? If not, why do you think you attract people who ultimately wind up giving you the opportunity to learn the same lesson about yourself, the opposite sex, or relationships in general that you thought you'd already learned?

A relationship history can reveal important things that may really help you on your future dating world journey. Examples include:
- You have a pattern of unconsciously choosing partners similar to your controlling father and wind up leaving because you feel unheard and disrespected
- You haven't been in a serious relationship more than 6 months because fears come up the longer you're with someone
- You are so clingy in relationships that the other person feels pressured and eventually leaves

Be really honest with yourself when doing this assessment. That's the only way to uncover important truths about your past and present relationship patterns--so you can then address those things and be a better dater in the future. 

I'd love to hear what you've discovered. Drop me a line to share, if you feel comfortable. Then, if needed, let me support you in making changes and/or putting your lessons to work for you--so you have more success with dating after the dating world opens up again. 
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

A Partner Should Be Your "Cherry on Top"

If you're single, I want you to think back to when you had a partner. Did you take for granted the fact that you were in a loving relationship? Or did you cherish it and feel grateful for it every day? Hopefully, the latter.

Remember how great it felt to share life's ups and downs, happy and sad times, and everything in between with someone who cared about and supported you? That's what all my single, divorced, and widowed clients are looking for--the type of partnership and sharing that makes life richer and more fulfilling.

But there's one thing I caution them about as they search for and nurture such a partnership: don't make your partner the center of your universe. Instead, I encourage singles to think of that person as "the cherry on top" of their already-wonderful life--one that was fun and fulfilling before their partner came along and that could be that way again if for some reason the partnership ended.

My point? You are the common denominator in any relationship you have. If YOU are content and living a life that's interesting, joyful, and filled with people and experiences you love, anyone else you welcome into your world will be a "cherry on top" of that wonderful life.

I learned from personal experience the danger of letting too much of my own happiness depend on the man in my life. I was a "people pleaser" who tried to conform to what my partner wanted, rather than considering what I wanted. The result? I wound up resenting my partner when he didn't seem interested in my needs and desires.

This, of course, wasn't fair to him because he didn't know what I needed and desired--because I didn't tell him. In fact, I didn't really know myself. I was so focused on pleasing him and trying to do and be what he wanted, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed for a "juicy" and sweet life.

Today, I'm older and wiser. I know what activities, people, and pursuits make each day glorious...and I intentionally integrate those things into my life. Some involve my partner; others don't. If he wasn't in my life, I would still be creating joyful moments and "following my bliss" by pursuing my passions. And life would be good.

How about you? What lights up your life? Here are a few examples from mine, most of which I can enjoy even when I don't have a partner (and none of which involve the work I do for a living, though I love that too): 

o swimming, cycling or walking every day

o watching the birds from my porch swing

o walking/hiking/boating with (or without) friends

o playing board games

o doing yoga

o sharing new culinary experiences with my son or daughter

o reading fiction and nonfiction books

o watching old and new movies

o savoring a new flavor of herbal tea

o facilitating a book discussion group

o doing motivational talks at retirement communities

o listening to all types of music

o dancing (alone or with others)

o baking cookies, cakes, and quick breads

o indulging in a new TV series on Netflix

o doing crossword puzzles

o tending my flower and vegetable gardens

o volunteering for my church

o writing educational articles and blogs

o taking online classes and listening to podcasts to learn new things

Whatever makes you feel alive and happy is important--whether you're single or part of a couple. If you need support as you incorporate more of those things into your life, let me know. If you're single, doing that could make you a natural attractor for the "cherry on top" person you've been seeking!

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Gratitude Helps You in the Dating World

"Gratitude not only helps us feel more confident, but it's scientifically proven to help us win new relationships." 

That is according to a matchmaker with Tawkify, a human-powered matchmaking website launched in 2012. "When you're more grateful for the life you already have, you're more likely to see dating as a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task that isn't going anywhere for you."

I've written many times before about the importance of confidence in the dating world. In fact, another coach I follow says it's 70% of the dating success formula. I'm sure we'd all agree that a confident person is more attractive than a timid, insecure person--and lots more fun to be with. But the idea that gratitude facilitates confidence puts an interesting new spin on it!

It makes perfect sense that people who are grateful for what they already have in their lives would be more confident in pursuing other things too--like dating partners. The fact that such folks see dating as "a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task" is the key point. They're focusing on the positive--which is a great approach when striving toward any life goal.

Rather than worrying about what they don't have, they savor what they DO have--and feel far more content. They exude what I like to call "happy vibes," which naturally attract others to them. Sounds simple...but, if you've had more dating disappointments than successes, you may find it hard to stay in a happy, positive place. I get it. I clearly remember having many bouts of sadness in the years I was dating.

Doesn't it make sense then to use gratitude as a tool to get you back to feeling positive? Research shows that even writing a short list of things you're grateful for 5 minutes every day can have a beneficial impact on your mood and attitude. Do you do that regularly? If not, I highly recommend it. I make a list of 10 things I'm grateful for every day, and it makes me feel calm and content, no matter what's going on in my life.

Ready to feel more positive about the dating world? Then count your blessings! If you need moral support to do that more often, let me know. I'd be happy to help!

Email: gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com  Phone: 267-245-3023

How Flexible Are You in the Dating World?

A January 2020 article in the Atlantic Magazine entitled "What It's Like to Date After Middle Age" was filled with fascinating info. But the one statement that jumped out at me was "Finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult as you age. Over the years, people say they become more picky, less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long." 

In my coaching practice, I certainly hear clients say that they think they've become more picky and less willing to compromise on what they want in a partner. And, yes, I can relate to that as a 66-year-old who definitely had very specific parameters when I was in the dating world. I always say it's good to have a clear "partner vision".

But the idea that someone might "harden" into a self that's less willing or able to be flexible enough to "bend themselves to fit with someone else" is sad to hear. 

It implies that older people are less able to find a middle ground, to compromise, and to accept other people as they are. Sure, we all might get a little "set in our ways" as we grow older and more comfortable in our own skin. But I think all the years of living can also help us to improve our ability to adapt and adjust to what life brings us...including dating partners. 

An unwillingness to bend certainly wasn't my experience when I started dating the man I've been with for 5 years (he was 60, I was 61 when we met). In my experience, I've found that, when I'm getting to know someone and begin having feelings for him, I naturally take his wants and needs into account as well as my own. 

My guy certainly did that for me too...and continues to. He has adjusted to and accepted many things about me that are very different from him, and generally it doesn't seem to have been that tough for him to do. Why? Because love motivates us to open our hearts and minds to the person we care about--and to do whatever we can to facilitate his or her happiness. 

What a gift it is to have the love of someone willing to "bend" in my direction for the sake of our relationship! His love and kindness motivate me to try to be more flexible in thinking of his needs and desires too--which helps tremendously as we compromise in the ways necessary to fit together and operate as a team, a partnership.

How about you? Are you finding yourself so hardened that you're not sure you could find someone you'll fit with? Do you need help being more open to different types of people? I'd love to support you in that effort. Get in touch!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023) 

Listening Is Vital for Dating and Relationships

How well do you listen to others? Have poor listening skills negatively affected your relationships with family, friends, colleagues, bosses, or the people you were dating or in relationship with? If we're honest, most of us have to admit we could be better listeners. I know I could be. 

In fact, better listening is my top priority with my partner. But it's hard for me because I'm a big talker who is uncomfortable with silence. And, in my relationship, it's even trickier because my partner is a better listener than talker and is sometimes hesitant to reveal what he's thinking or feeling.

Sound familiar? Luckily, there is hope if we learn more about and practice better listening.

My research about and experience in the dating world and in my serious partnerships has shown me one thing very clearly: active listening is vital when getting to know someone in the beginning and when nurturing relationships along the way.

Research shows that the ability to listen carefully and then empathize with someone can do wonders for any relationship. Here are some tips to help you incorporate empathetic listening skills into your relationships:

• Refrain from talking. Sounds easy, but I can attest to the fact it isn't. Your first impulse might involve adding your "two cents" before the other person has finished talking. While you might think you are actively involving yourself with his or her issue, in truth you may be limiting or halting the person's ability to communicate. Keep silent until he or she pauses for a response from you.
• Acknowledge the other person's feelings. Empathy means you sympathize and understand. You can verbalize this by repeating what the person has told you and prefacing it with a statement such as, "I understand that you are feeling…"
• Ask for clarity. Sometimes listening involves clarifying not only what the person says but what he or she means. Once you restate what the other person has said, ask for clarification if you are confused.
• Remain neutral. Hot topics often involve raised voices and emotional outbursts. If you want to empathize, you've got to stay neutral.
• Listen to not only what is being said but also to what may not be said. This may include fears, doubts, concerns, and even dreams.
• Listen respectfully…no matter how angry you might be.
• Wait to think about your reply. Don't begin composing it in your mind until the other person has completely finished talking.
• Start with empathy. Repeat an overall concern of the other person to show that you have in fact been listening.
• Don't jump to conclusions.
• Be an active listener. Maintain eye contact and watch your body language.

So, how good are you at listening well to what a new dating prospect says when you first meet? And how well do you listen to his or her answers when you ask those important getting-to-know-you questions during the first few months? What about later, when you're in a relationship and trying to strengthen your connection?

I know it's not easy, but I've been practicing active listening in my relationship for a while, and I'd be happy to share with you what I've learned. If you need support in this effort at any stage of dating or relating, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!

(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)

DATE YOURSELF FIRST!

There is a 2005 book called Marry Yourself  First! by Ken Donaldson, which I sometimes recommend to my clients as they prepare for dating. As the subhead says, it's about designing a life of passion, power & purpose. It emphasizes the importance of creating your own happiness before you seek a husband or life partner and expect him to do that for you.

I agree wholeheartedly...and I always urge my clients seeking healthy partnerships to get healthy and happy themselves first. 

For my female clients, this can be tough. Often, they're so busy focusing on making other people happy (their parents, kids, bosses, clients, friends, etc.) that they don't know what makes them happy. Even if they do know, they often don't carve out time to do those things.

This is what I mean when I say "Date Yourself First". Plan some fun for yourself. Pamper yourself. Do things you love! There's no need to wait for someone to accompany you. A happy, healthy woman knows how to thoroughly enjoy her own company--wherever she is, whatever she's doing.

That's the philosophy of a female self-empowerment expert I like named Regena Thomashauer (aka "Mama Gena"), and it's why I recommend her books,  website (http://mamagenas.com/), and events to my single/divorced/widowed women clients. Her enterprise--The School of Womanly Arts--helps women get back in touch with and learn how to express their desires and needs. Mama Gena believes that the only way to manifest what you want in your life is to clearly define it and then have the confidence to ask for it.  

This was hard for me for many years...until I discovered Mama Gena. She asked us to gather with a group of women, make a "Desires" list, and then share it aloud with everyone. This is easier said than done, but, after a few months of practice, I got more comfortable doing it. Mama Gena helped me learn how to ask the people in my life for what I wanted as a request rather than a demand--as a favor rather than an expectation. It worked especially well with the men in my life and eventually helped me form healthier bonds and more fulfilling partnerships than I'd ever had before (including the relationship I'm in now at age 66). 

How about you? Do you feel you might need to get in better touch with your desires? Do you want to strengthen your ability to create your own happiness and, as a result, attract someone to share it with you? If so, I highly recommend reading and doing all the exercises in Thomashauer's first book Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. 

I'd be happy to support you as you do that! Just call me at 267-245-3023 or email gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com.

Think You Might Like Video Dating?

Since singles looking for love can't meet people in person right now, video dating is getting really popular, according to an article I just read:

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2020/4/3/21198794/coronavirus-video-dating-tinder-hinge-grindr

It mentions a video speed dating platform called League Live (https://www.theleague.com/league-live/#are-you-in), which started in San Francisco in December 2019 and is now expanding to 13 other cities. It lets users have a series of 3-minute video chats with other singles 2 nights a week using a phone app. Sounds easy, right?

But here's the best part: Research about video dating during the pandemic shows that it could lead to longer, more meaningful conversations than are the norm for regular dating apps or online dating. As the Vox article mentioned above says: "This crisis is ushering in a new period of modern courtship. Longer, richer conversations are taking place; people are taking the time to get to know each other before meeting face to face." 

What an interesting development! It's almost like we've gone back in time to the way previous generations met and dated. Because singles are working from home all day and then stuck at home in the evening and on weekends when they'd normally be out socializing, they're feeling a little lonely and hungry for human contact. 

So they're using the extra hours they now have in the relaxed atmosphere of their own homes to slow down in the dating world. Their isolation and need to connect through more than just texting or emailing is leading to deeper conversations with new people because they're more willing to put in the time it takes to get to know someone on more than just a "swipe a face" level.

As a baby boomer who remembers "traditional" dating where folks met in person through a friend, at school, in a club, or some other non-electronic way, I'm touched by this turn of events. I will certainly be encouraging my clients to try video speed dating to see what happens. 

How about you? Does this idea appeal to you? If not, I'd urge you to consider it. If you need some support in psyching yourself up for it, give me a call. I'd be happy to provide the motivation you need to try something new. Who knows what it could lead to! 

(267-245-3023; gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com) 

Spend Time Alone to BE Who You Want to Attract

How are you doing with being more isolated during this pandemic shutdown period? Well, I hope. I know it can be very challenging, especially for singles who believe they spend enough time alone and wish they had a partner.

In my last blog, I talked about using this quiet time during quarantine to work on becoming more comfortable with yourself and healing past wounds that might have complicated your relationships and/or derailed your love life. It's a great opportunity to LOOK INWARD since we're unable to go outward to socialize. 

That means carving out some alone time...away from other members of your household, away from your computer if you're working from home. That's what I've been trying to do myself the last week or so.

Even though I've been in a loving, long-term relationship for 5 years, it doesn't mean I don't have some "issues" that require some inner work. Things certainly come up (ie, where my interactions with my partner "touch a wound" from my past and trigger behavior that causes a rift between us), so I'm taking the opportunity to look hard at and work on that stuff now while a quieter, simpler life has given me the "gift" of unscheduled time.

The 4 areas I'm focusing on are:
1) Less judgment of myself and others
2) Trying not to take things personally
3) More self-love, self-care, and responsibility for my own happiness
4) Forgiveness of those I never forgave + forgiveness of myself

Yes, this is a lot...and I'm going to take it one baby step at a time and have patience with myself through the process (as a coach friend of mine says, "Slowly is holy"). But I'm committed to modifying my behavior in these areas.

Number 3 is the one I encourage you to consider too. Are you taking good care of you right now--not just physically but also emotionally and psychologically? Are you paying attention to your feelings and thoughts and gently accepting them with kindness? Are you creating your own happiness rather than expecting others to do that? If you're doing all of these things, you're loving yourself well and preparing yourself to be well-loved by a future partner.

If you're not, now is a good time to sit quietly, look within yourself, and commit to:
- listening to and acting according to the wisdom of your inner voice
- following the guidance that comes to you in prayer/meditation
- giving yourself the radical acceptance and love you deserve as a radiant, beautiful spiritual being

If you need support or encouragement as you embark on this journey of self-reflection and self-love, let me know. We can schedule a coaching session on the phone, FaceTime, or Zoom at your earliest convenience. I'd be happy to share what I'm learning on this path--so it'll be easier for you! 
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)

Dating Help While "Social Distancing"

A client recently told me how frustrating it is trying to meet new people for dating in the midst of a pandemic. Everything is put on hold. You can't go out to events or gatherings--many of which have been cancelled or postponed. And you're certainly not going to do a face-to-face meeting in a coffee shop with someone you connected with online. Yes, it really IS very frustrating!

So, what can you do while waiting for this period of "social distancing" to end? Well, here are a few suggestions of how to use this time alone in ways that will enhance your dating life when the world gets back to normal:

1) Get to know yourself and love yourself better. As I've written many times before, loving yourself well is the best way to BE the person others will love too. Pamper yourself. Be kind to yourself. Continue working on being the best version of yourself you can be by healing any leftover wounds from the past. A book that will help with this is Relax, You're Already Perfect by Bruce D. Schneider.

2) Declutter your home now that you have the time to do it. Not only will this make you feel happier and freer, with a great sense of accomplishment, but it will cross off your list one of the things I tell clients to do when preparing for dating: "get all your ducks in a row". Make sure all aspects of your life are in good shape, so you can put more attention on your dating search. Clear out the old to make way for the new! 

3) Decide how you want to "make your own fun"--since there's nothing more attractive than a fun person who enjoys her own company and exudes upbeat vibes. You could play games online, read books or magazines, watch favorite TV shows or movies, cook or bake a new recipe, call old friends, plant some flowers, enjoy more quality time with family members, or spend time doing whatever you love out in nature. When you're comfortable being alone, you're not desperate to be with a partner, and we all know that desperation is VERY unattractive in the dating world.

 

4) Join an online dating site and practice writing sincere, complimentary emails to the people who intrigue you. When they respond, set up a phone call as soon as you can and enjoy a leisurely getting-to-know-you conversation. Then, if you feel a connection, talk about where you'd like to meet and pick a day and time for your meeting, so you'll have something to look forward to after the virus restrictions are lifted.

If you need other ideas or moral support during this challenging time, get in touch. I'd be happy to help you! (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)

 

Are You Confident Enough to See Yourself as "Dateable"?

Before the first session with new dating coaching clients, I send out a short form that asks them "What are your best qualities?" and "What makes you fun on a date?" This is a first step in assessing the level of confidence they feel--whether they honestly see themselves as "dateable"--as someone others would want to spend time with.

I do this because CONFIDENCE IS THE #1 FACTOR FOR SUCCESSFUL DATING. And singles who aren't strong in this area need to boost their confidence before even starting to think about searching for dates. Here are 3 ways I help them do that:

Confidence Booster 1--I urge clients to list the things they like or have been complimented on regarding their looks, personality, talents, accomplishments and passions. This helps them start off on a positive note--seeing themselves as "a great catch." Go ahead and try it--either on your own or with someone who knows you really well. You may be surprised at what a great list you come up with! 

Those who can easily make this list are likely to do pretty well attracting quality people for dating. But those who have trouble with it are less likely to succeed. I work with those folks to create the list together, writing everything down, and I ask them to focus on the list every day to remind themselves of what's unique and lovable about them.

Confidence Booster 2--I also encourage clients to get more comfortable talking to new people wherever they go, so that'll be easier in the dating world too (at both singles events and first in-person meetings after connecting online).

I suggest they try to reach out to new folks in their daily life with eye contact, a warm smile and a sincere compliment--whether it's the cashier at the grocery, the clerk at the post office, the receptionist at the dentist...whoever. The more practice they get with interrelating with random people, the less intimidated they'll feel initiating conversations with other singles.

Confidence Booster 3--Lastly, I suggest that clients take good care of themselves physically and emotionally by exercising and eating well, prioritizing their own needs, using only kind self-talk, and wearing clothes they feel good in. That way, they can walk confidently into any room or situation with an authentic smile and their head held high.

How can anyone resist that kind of confidence?!     

If your confidence needs some fine-tuning before you take the first step into dating, let me know. I'd be happy to support you with all these confidence-boosting activities. :-)
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)                     

DO 50+ SINGLE WOMEN REALLY WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

Recently, a 63-year-old single male friend of mine told me he thinks the reason he hasn't been meeting any good matches for a serious relationship is because most women over 50 don't really want that. 

In the years he's been back in the singles world after his last long-term relationship ended, he's dated a lot but has finally concluded that older divorced and widowed women just want someone to have dates and sex with--not a life partner or someone to live with or marry.

I did some research on the topic, and he may very well be right. A Pew Research study showed that only 15% of divorced/widowed women want to remarry. And another survey revealed that 40% of single women age 50-64 say they don't even want a relationship. Here are their reasons:

1) They've been unlucky in love and don't have much hope of meeting a compatible partner.
2) They really don't want to commit to someone again after bad past experiences.
3) They believe relationships cause too many problems.

When I dug deeper, I discovered that many women also say they like the freedom to do whatever they want without worrying about a partner's reaction, enjoy living alone, and are concerned that, if they got involved with a man their age or older, they might wind up being a caretaker for him if he develops health issues.

In short, these women are "happily single." Most have a wide circle of female friends and interesting hobbies, and they get out and pursue a variety of activities. And, of course, they spend a fair amount of time with their kids and grandkids. So their lives are full and fun, and they don't necessarily think life would be better if they had a man to share it with.

I am definitely not this type of woman. I believe life is richer with a partner to share its ups and downs as we work toward our common goals and enhance each other's personal growth, and it brings me joy to support my partner as he strives for his dreams and evolves spiritually. 

So I feel sad for my guy friend who wants the same kind of partnership for himself--and can't seem to find a like-minded woman.

At the same time, I can also understand the point of view of the women over 50 who just prefer being on their own most of the time. Sure, they admit it'd be nice to have a "friend with benefits" man in their life to go to dinner and movies with, to travel with, and to make love with. But they don't want to devote the time and effort and expend the energy to find and sustain an actual relationship. 

As some of my female clients have said, "It's exhausting. I'm getting too old for all that." I remember feeling like that now and then during my dating years. But my desire for a partnership always motivated me to get back out there and keep trying. And I'm certainly glad that I did!

How about you? Do you actually want a relationship? Or have you given up? In either case, I'd love to support you if you need it. Let's talk!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching or 267-245-3023)

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

This is definitely the piece of advice I give most often to dating coaching clients. I'm constantly reminding them that rejection is just part of the process in the dating world. They're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Period. 

Some people will click with you, and others won't. It's not something you can control. So it's a waste of energy to take anything someone does or says about you personally--especially early on when they barely know you.

The best thing to do is to let it go and move on...because it's usually not about you at all. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book The Four Agreements in the chapter entitled "Don't Take Anything Personally", "Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me; it is about them."

Of course, not taking things personally is easier said than done. We all know how hard it is to handle situations where we think or feel that people don't like us or we did something to offend them. We automatically assume we have some responsibility for their reaction. 

The truth is we don't. We are only responsible for our own words, actions, and reactions.

Not taking things personally is definitely super-important in the dating world--so you can continue getting back up and trying again, over and over, to meet new people...without beating yourself up about what others said or did and allowing that to affect your self-esteem. 

Since dating is a numbers game, letting negative comments go is the only way to maintain your positive self-image and the confidence needed to maximize your chances of meeting the right person for you.

This concept is also really important in the relationships you form after dating. I've been with my current partner for 5 years, and I'm still learning not to take things personally when we have a conflict. It's a knee-jerk reaction I often have, a hard-to-shake behavior left over from the many years I spent as a "people pleaser" looking for approval from others rather than from myself.

Taking things personally and, as a result, sounding like a victim doesn't help me foster a deeper, healthier connection with my partner. Instead, it makes me look insecure, which he definitely doesn't find attractive. So, I'm working hard to see his actions and words as reflective of HIS views and experience rather than assuming they're about me. I'm catching myself when I'm tempted to make such assumptions...and making slow but steady progress in that effort.

How about you? Do you take things personally more often than you'd like? Is this behavior hurting you in your dating search or in your relationships? If so, let's talk. I can support you in shifting your thinking so you can eventually change the behavior. Reach out. I'd love to help!

(267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com)

BE YOUR OWN VALENTINE FIRST

Valentine's Day is here again...the time of year when singles feel left out because they don't happen to be part of a couple. It can be discouraging and downright depressing to see all the TV ads, store displays, and media pieces about what gift to buy for or which restaurant to dine at with your partner for this Hallmark holiday.

It doesn't have to be this way. You have the power to reframe the meaning of the celebration. 

You can start by remembering that Valentine's Day is all about cherishing everyone you love--your kids, parents, friends, pets, coworkers, neighbors--even if you aren't currently in a romantic relationship. But, if you're a single person looking for a partner to love, I'd also like to remind you of the importance of focusing on loving YOURSELF first.

As Ken Donaldson says in his 2005 book Marry YourSelf First, "When you commit to Marry YourSelf First, you can be assured that you know who you are, what you want, what you don't want, and the direction of your life. You will then find yourself filled with passionate purpose, and then you will be able to create relationship satisfaction."

Very true! Having a good sense of self and a life of purpose and passion makes you "a great catch" as you're searching for dating prospects...as well as a successful partner once you do form relationships. 

Think about it: aren't you more attracted to someone who really likes and cares for him- or herself and who has the confidence to be authentic? That's someone who embodies self-love. Thus, since the Law of Attraction says you need to "BE who you want to attract", your first step for dating success is to be comfortable with and loving toward yourself.

The more you love yourself, the more worthy of love you'll feel. And, when you feel lovable, it's easier to draw in people who will also see you as lovable.

So...what are you planning to do this Valentine's Day to show yourself some love? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Surround yourself with people you care about
2) Plan an activity that makes you feel fulfilled and happy
3) Pamper yourself in a way you've been promising yourself you would
4) Focus on what you like about yourself, not what you don't like
5) Treat yourself the way you'd treat a significant other on a special holiday

Lastly, remember that self-loving behavior shouldn't be limited to Valentine's Day. If you want to attract love, it should be a daily practice year-round. That involves:
- Being kind and gentle with yourself, without judgment or negative self-talk. 
- Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, like you would your best friend. 
- Respecting yourself by setting and sticking to personal boundaries. 
- Being totally honest with and true to yourself at all times. 
- Validating yourself rather than seeking validation, approval, and acceptance from others. 

If you need support with any of these practices, let me know. I'm here to help. (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com, 267-245-3023)

Once you're more self-loving, you'll be amazed at how many other loving people will gravitate into your life!

5 Ways to Reignite Your Dating Life in 2020

Was 2019 a "ho-hum" year for you in terms of dating? Need a pick-me-up and a fresh start to get you energized again? I understand how that can be, and I'm here to help.

My first suggestion is to look at 2020 as a new opportunity to redefine your dating strategy and outlook. Here are some good ways to start:

1) Get healthy! Do what you need to for your physical, mental, emotional health so you have the energy, self-confidence, and enthusiasm you'll need to venture into the dating world.

2) Get positive! Find ways to have fun and be passionate about something. Join a group or club or take a class that excites you. There's nothing more attractive than someone who's happy, active, and enjoying life.

3) Get involved! Interact with others who are making a positive difference in your community or area. This will get you revved up about life again and help you cross paths with new people--new friends to accompany you to singles activities and possibly even potential dates.

4) Try something totally new! We all know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing you did before and expecting different results. That's why you need to try a new singles activity, hobby group, or online dating site every month (or as often as possible; I can help you find these). Leave your 2019 strategy behind. Mix it up in this new year! That's the only way to meet people you've never met before.

5) Relax! Don't fixate on finding "the one" or beat yourself up every time a singles event or online dating site doesn't work out. It's not a life-or-death matter if someone doesn't respond to your email or in-person flirtation. And it doesn't help if you take it personally. Keep your sense of humor about it, learn from the situation, and try again later.

Ready to reignite your dating life? I can help make that happen! Contact me to keep you on track and motivated to use these 5 strategies. Call or email me today! 
(267-245-3023; gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com) 

DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN FROM MEN

In my dating days, I found it valuable to ask my men friends for tips about dating. Getting their point of view really helped me see the dating world in a new light. I'm sure it can help you single ladies too. Read on...

Here is some valuable advice from a survey of over 3,000 men done by dating website Zoosk:

1) Feel free to make the first move. 
The survey showed that men overwhelmingly love it if you initiate things:
o 94% of men like it when a woman approaches them first in a social setting. 
o 96% of guys prefer it when a woman emails them first on a dating website. 

It's true. Men like an assertive woman who knows what she wants. So, go ahead, ladies! Don't be afraid to reach out first. That's what I always did online, and it helped me meet all the men I dated since 2001, including my current partner.
2) Honesty is just as important as attraction.
The survey showed that:
o 33% of men listed attraction as the #1 quality they seek in a woman.
o 31% listed honesty as the #1 quality.
3) Know what you want but be open-minded.
It's good to be clear about the traits you want in a partner, but try not to make snap judgments about a man's long-term potential after just one conversation. Give guys a chance to reveal more about themselves.
4) Talk about your hobbies and interests.
This is a topic men are interested in during the first conversation in person or the first email online. They're curious about how much they have in common with you and what you enjoy doing in your free time.
5) If you're interested, let him know...and be direct rather than subtle.
Men want to know it's okay to talk to you, so you need to directly indicate that you've noticed him. A sincere compliment is a good way to do this.
6) Online, mention something specific that you liked about his profile.
Again, I recommend a sincere compliment about something that impressed you. And then men suggest that you add something unique about you too.
7) Be who you are, not who you think he wants you to be.
Men like it when women are confident enough to be authentic. Don't be afraid to just be you. If you're not his cup of tea, it's nothing personal. Just not a click.
8) Leave the past behind.
Don't talk about past relationships or problems when you first meet. There will be time for that later as you're getting to know and trust each other.

All good advice, in my opinion. Thanks, guys! If you're a woman who struggles with any of these things, let me know. I can help you feel more comfortable with the dating process...so you can start meeting nice guys like the ones who offered all these helpful tips. 

Contact me at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

POSITIVE "VIBES" ARE CRUCIAL FOR DATING SUCCESS

What kinds of "vibes" are you putting out into the world when you think about dating? Positive or negative? Optimistic or pessimistic? Enthusiasm or dread?

I'm sure you can guess which ones are most likely to attract dating partners into your life.

But how often do you check in with yourself to assess your attitude and frame of mind about being in the dating world? How many times do you remember venturing out there with a downbeat persona because you weren't feeling very optimistic about your chances of success and the types of people you'd meet?

If your answer is "fairly often," you are your own worst enemy in your dating effort. 

But I'm here to remind you that you can change that attitude...and ultimately have more good experiences than you've had up until now.

The secret? Shift your mind-set from dread to excitement by looking at the big picture: dating is an ADVENTURE that will teach you a lot about yourself, the opposite sex, and dating overall. And adventures can be fun, right? Right!

Think of a baby learning to walk. She takes a step or two and falls down. She gets up and takes another step or three and almost falls but manages to catch herself. She keeps trying over and over again. She doesn't focus on the falls. She keeps looking ahead of her.

She's just excited to be on her 2 feet walking on her own toward her dad's outstretched arms. Somehow, she seems to know that falling is part of the learning process in her grand adventure of exploring the world, and she doesn't judge herself for slipping up along the way.

You can be like that too when you shift your thoughts away from the mishaps or disappointments and onto the opportunities you're getting to meet all kinds of new people...the interesting places you're going on various "meet-and-greets" and first dates...the fun groups and activities you're discovering in the world of singles. You see my point: You need to focus on the good stuff to stay positive and happy during the process because...

HAPPY PEOPLE ATTRACT OTHER HAPPY PEOPLE AND EXPERIENCES.

If you're not happy about what you're doing in your dating search, stop. Assess your attitude, change it if you need to, and start again on a new foot with a more-positive, forward-thinking outlook. 

Nobody wants to be with someone who's despondent or negative about dating. Where's the fun in that? And, if I know anything, it's that dating is supposed to be fun--a way to enjoy yourself in the company of other singles to discover which ones you click with best.

If you're having trouble maintaining a positive attitude about dating, contact me so I can support you! (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com)