You MUST Let Go of Yesterday Before Dating Today

Recently, a prospective client called me about divorce support coaching...but told me she couldn't stop thinking about her ex-husband of 32 years, even though he'd been abusive for most of their marriage. I recommended she get grief counseling to cope with that loss. I knew she wouldn't be ready for me to help her plan her new single life unless she'd completely let go of her old married life.

The same is true when you're thinking about dating again after divorce or widowhood: it's best to heal your past before you start planning your future. You must do your best to have a "clean slate" emotionally and psychologically so you can potentially open your heart to someone new. It's common sense and it's essential.

You need to get through the various stages of grieving any loss if you want to be ready to make a fresh start. A grief counselor is trained to help you do that.

As a dating coach, I help people prepare for and implement the dating process. In order to be successful searching for and building a relationship with a new partner, I encourage daters to do everything possible to be in a positive, healthy place in all aspects of their lives before we begin working together. Sometimes, that might mean getting support from a grief counselor. 

In addition to someone who still has an emotional attachment to an ex-partner, here are a few other examples of people who aren't yet ready for dating coaching:

o Someone who is still angry or desperately sad about his or her last relationship

o Someone who has negative feelings about the dating world in general or the opposite sex in particular, such as "Dating is too hard and takes too much time" or "There are no good men left" or "I never meet anyone who's looking for a serious relationship" or "All the women out there are mentally unstable" (Yes, I've heard this from male clients)

o Someone who has a poor self-image and doesn't believe he/she is attractive and/or worthy of love

o Someone who is struggling with a mental health challenge such as bipolar disorder, anxiety, or depression; such syndromes need to be well managed before anyone enters the dating realm

If you or someone you know wants to start dating again, I can help determine whether he/she is ready to move forward with that. Or...if you or they need a referral to a grief counselor as a first step, let me know. I'm happy to assist.

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

ONLINE DATING APP DESIGNED BY WOMEN

Women clients ask me all the time if I can recommend any online dating sites they may not have heard of--something new to try to increase their chances of meeting different men. Here is one I find interesting:

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL (www.coffeemeetsbagel.com) 

This is the description of Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB) from its website:

"Grabbing coffee is the low-pressure date idea that lets you skip trying to choose a dressy-but-not-too-dressy outfit for a concert or a restaurant. Coffee Meets Bagel is aiming to bring that easygoing atmosphere to the world of dating apps. 

Millions and millions of active users is usually a plus. It is nice to know that your options are virtually limitless, but things go from flattering to chaotic real fast when people hit you up 30 seconds after matching. This happens on eHarmony and Tinder alike—people want that connection, and they want it NOW. CMB's slow and steady approach is great for singles who are rusty, a bit more introverted, or who simply don't feel like scrolling every time they have a free minute."

Here's how it works:

Once a day, CMB offers 7 of its best matches (bagels) for you, chosen by your answers to prompts, who you said yes or no to in yesterday's batch, and who has also expressed interest in you. It sets a deadline by which you have to either "like" or "pass". If there is a mutual "like," you're instantly connected to that match via a text message (without the other person seeing your real phone number). Then, the app sends you to a private chat room with icebreaker questions to get things started. 

CMB even lets you choose to be shown only "friends of friends" by connecting the service to your Facebook account, or you can choose to keep it anonymous and private.

CMB claims that not being bombarded with available matches 24/7 gives you more time to contemplate whether you genuinely want to get to know various guys or whether you're just messaging them because you're bored. CMB's design arranges profiles to put less emphasis on selfies and a witty one-liner and more on personality and bios.

This definitely sounds refreshingly different from other dating sites out there. It lets you take your time in reviewing and responding to matches--which is appropriate right now during the pandemic when you can't rush into an in-person meeting anyway.

Another thing that makes CMB different is that it was founded by women, unlike most of the other dating sites. The 3 sisters who created it believe women want authenticity, privacy, a more controlled environment, and a quick path to a safe, easy offline meeting. I can attest to that--from what my female clients tell me (especially those over 50).

The cost is $34.99/month if you opt for 1 month only; $24.99/month if you join for 3 months; or $19.99/month if you choose a 6-month membership--very reasonable prices compared to other sites.

So ladies, what do you think? Are you ready to try a new approach in the world of cyber dating? This could be a good choice. Let me know if you need help writing a profile for Coffee Meets Bagels. I'm happy to assist! And I'd love to hear from anyone who's tried the app. Thanks! 

(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com; 267-245-3023)