A Partner Should Be Your "Cherry on Top"

If you're single, I want you to think back to when you had a partner. Did you take for granted the fact that you were in a loving relationship? Or did you cherish it and feel grateful for it every day? Hopefully, the latter.

Remember how great it felt to share life's ups and downs, happy and sad times, and everything in between with someone who cared about and supported you? That's what all my single, divorced, and widowed clients are looking for--the type of partnership and sharing that makes life richer and more fulfilling.

But there's one thing I caution them about as they search for and nurture such a partnership: don't make your partner the center of your universe. Instead, I encourage singles to think of that person as "the cherry on top" of their already-wonderful life--one that was fun and fulfilling before their partner came along and that could be that way again if for some reason the partnership ended.

My point? You are the common denominator in any relationship you have. If YOU are content and living a life that's interesting, joyful, and filled with people and experiences you love, anyone else you welcome into your world will be a "cherry on top" of that wonderful life.

I learned from personal experience the danger of letting too much of my own happiness depend on the man in my life. I was a "people pleaser" who tried to conform to what my partner wanted, rather than considering what I wanted. The result? I wound up resenting my partner when he didn't seem interested in my needs and desires.

This, of course, wasn't fair to him because he didn't know what I needed and desired--because I didn't tell him. In fact, I didn't really know myself. I was so focused on pleasing him and trying to do and be what he wanted, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed for a "juicy" and sweet life.

Today, I'm older and wiser. I know what activities, people, and pursuits make each day glorious...and I intentionally integrate those things into my life. Some involve my partner; others don't. If he wasn't in my life, I would still be creating joyful moments and "following my bliss" by pursuing my passions. And life would be good.

How about you? What lights up your life? Here are a few examples from mine, most of which I can enjoy even when I don't have a partner (and none of which involve the work I do for a living, though I love that too): 

o swimming, cycling or walking every day

o watching the birds from my porch swing

o walking/hiking/boating with (or without) friends

o playing board games

o doing yoga

o sharing new culinary experiences with my son or daughter

o reading fiction and nonfiction books

o watching old and new movies

o savoring a new flavor of herbal tea

o facilitating a book discussion group

o doing motivational talks at retirement communities

o listening to all types of music

o dancing (alone or with others)

o baking cookies, cakes, and quick breads

o indulging in a new TV series on Netflix

o doing crossword puzzles

o tending my flower and vegetable gardens

o volunteering for my church

o writing educational articles and blogs

o taking online classes and listening to podcasts to learn new things

Whatever makes you feel alive and happy is important--whether you're single or part of a couple. If you need support as you incorporate more of those things into your life, let me know. If you're single, doing that could make you a natural attractor for the "cherry on top" person you've been seeking!

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Gratitude Helps You in the Dating World

"Gratitude not only helps us feel more confident, but it's scientifically proven to help us win new relationships." 

That is according to a matchmaker with Tawkify, a human-powered matchmaking website launched in 2012. "When you're more grateful for the life you already have, you're more likely to see dating as a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task that isn't going anywhere for you."

I've written many times before about the importance of confidence in the dating world. In fact, another coach I follow says it's 70% of the dating success formula. I'm sure we'd all agree that a confident person is more attractive than a timid, insecure person--and lots more fun to be with. But the idea that gratitude facilitates confidence puts an interesting new spin on it!

It makes perfect sense that people who are grateful for what they already have in their lives would be more confident in pursuing other things too--like dating partners. The fact that such folks see dating as "a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task" is the key point. They're focusing on the positive--which is a great approach when striving toward any life goal.

Rather than worrying about what they don't have, they savor what they DO have--and feel far more content. They exude what I like to call "happy vibes," which naturally attract others to them. Sounds simple...but, if you've had more dating disappointments than successes, you may find it hard to stay in a happy, positive place. I get it. I clearly remember having many bouts of sadness in the years I was dating.

Doesn't it make sense then to use gratitude as a tool to get you back to feeling positive? Research shows that even writing a short list of things you're grateful for 5 minutes every day can have a beneficial impact on your mood and attitude. Do you do that regularly? If not, I highly recommend it. I make a list of 10 things I'm grateful for every day, and it makes me feel calm and content, no matter what's going on in my life.

Ready to feel more positive about the dating world? Then count your blessings! If you need moral support to do that more often, let me know. I'd be happy to help!

Email: gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com  Phone: 267-245-3023

How Flexible Are You in the Dating World?

A January 2020 article in the Atlantic Magazine entitled "What It's Like to Date After Middle Age" was filled with fascinating info. But the one statement that jumped out at me was "Finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult as you age. Over the years, people say they become more picky, less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long." 

In my coaching practice, I certainly hear clients say that they think they've become more picky and less willing to compromise on what they want in a partner. And, yes, I can relate to that as a 66-year-old who definitely had very specific parameters when I was in the dating world. I always say it's good to have a clear "partner vision".

But the idea that someone might "harden" into a self that's less willing or able to be flexible enough to "bend themselves to fit with someone else" is sad to hear. 

It implies that older people are less able to find a middle ground, to compromise, and to accept other people as they are. Sure, we all might get a little "set in our ways" as we grow older and more comfortable in our own skin. But I think all the years of living can also help us to improve our ability to adapt and adjust to what life brings us...including dating partners. 

An unwillingness to bend certainly wasn't my experience when I started dating the man I've been with for 5 years (he was 60, I was 61 when we met). In my experience, I've found that, when I'm getting to know someone and begin having feelings for him, I naturally take his wants and needs into account as well as my own. 

My guy certainly did that for me too...and continues to. He has adjusted to and accepted many things about me that are very different from him, and generally it doesn't seem to have been that tough for him to do. Why? Because love motivates us to open our hearts and minds to the person we care about--and to do whatever we can to facilitate his or her happiness. 

What a gift it is to have the love of someone willing to "bend" in my direction for the sake of our relationship! His love and kindness motivate me to try to be more flexible in thinking of his needs and desires too--which helps tremendously as we compromise in the ways necessary to fit together and operate as a team, a partnership.

How about you? Are you finding yourself so hardened that you're not sure you could find someone you'll fit with? Do you need help being more open to different types of people? I'd love to support you in that effort. Get in touch!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)