Tuesday, March 28, 2017

How to Avoid "Happiness Busters"

If you're like me, you keep sticky notes on your computer to remind you of important things. On mine is a note labelled HAPPINESS BUSTERS--things to avoid doing in life in order to be happier. And I believe they apply to dating as well:

1. Overthinking things
2. Taking things personally
3. Seeking validation from others
4. Having expectations

Let's talk about how each of these can rob your happiness and sabotage your efforts before and during the dating process...

Overthinking things means dwelling too much on something--analyzing and dissecting it until you've read into it more than is there. For example, you might have let a potential date's casual comment in an email, text, or phone call spin around in your mind, trying to figure out what it meant. And you did that to the point that you took the remark to be critical, thought you did something wrong, and believed you had to fix the situation or yourself. This can cause unnecessary turmoil for you and drama for the budding relationship.

Taking things personally means you interpret everything others say or do as if they're about you or a response to something you said or did. For example, you might think that a potential date's expression of a thought or feeling is actually an indirect comment about you...when usually it's nothing more than a general observation. It's better to ask the other person for clarity rather than assuming the comment is directed at you. It's often reflective of his or her "stuff" or mind-set and not about you at all.

Seeking validation from others means you're looking for outside approval because, inside, you don't approve of yourself and/or don't feel worthy and special just as you are. In other words, your self-esteem is low. In this case, you'd need to take time alone to improve your self-esteem before heading into the dating world. Confidence is the most important factor for dating success. 

Having expectations of others or expecting situations to go as you envision them sets you up for disappointment--a definite happiness buster. Just letting things flow and unfold naturally in the dating world is a much better strategy. That way, you won't emanate vibes of urgency, desperation, or impatience--definite turn-offs to potential dates. You'll be letting others be who they are...something they'll appreciate and that will help to create a nice bond based on acceptance.

If you notice yourself exhibiting any of these 4 behaviors while searching for dating prospects, in the initial stages of dating, or while building a relationship, you'll need to modify them. That's how you'll attract and sustain better partners and partnerships (and be a LOT happier as a result!) If you need support with this, let me know. I've "been there and done that"--which led me to my current happy relationship--and I'd love to help you too.

Friday, March 24, 2017


At a recent presentation I did about online dating for people over 50, I heard a lot of confusion and negativity in the crowd's questions...and several misconceptions about what I think is an excellent dating tool for older daters. Let me clear up some of these myths:

Myth #1-Men online won't contact women who are their age or older. Yes, it's true that men will start off trying to meet their ideal woman, who is usually younger. But, when those women don't write back (which is often what happens if they're choosing women 10-15 years younger), it soon becomes clear it might be worth considering someone closer to their own age. That's why I always encourage my female clients to write enthusiastic emails to men 5 years either side of their age (younger and older). 

If a man gets a complimentary, flattering email from a woman with a lot in common with him, he's very likely to at least read her profile. If he finds her photo attractive, he'll often consider emailing back, even if she's outside his desired age range. My second husband was 7 years younger than me and said he ultimately wasn't worried about age--he just wanted to meet someone he was attracted to and felt comfortable with.

Myth #2-It's not safe to date online because there are so many scammers. Yes, the scamming thing is worse than it used to be and is definitely something to watch out for. But it doesn't mean online dating as a whole is unsafe. You just need to follow you intuition and this rule of thumb: "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." If someone seems over-the-top into you when they barely know you, emails and texts you more than once a day, but then keeps making excuses about why they can't meet in person, move on--especially if they say their work takes them out of the country a lot, they have a sob story about a deceased child or spouse, or they begin telling you about their money worries.

Myth #3-Women online aren't interested in shorter men. There are plenty of women 5 feet to 5'6" tall who'd be happy to meet an average-height man. There are even women taller than 5'6" who'd date a shorter guy. It's all about whether your personalities, values, philosophies, and interests match up. Height is just a number.

Myth #4-Everyone online lies about their age and weight. Yes, people who aren't all that confident and whose self-image needs improvement might be less than honest about their age and body type. But you can't assume that everyone online does that. Daters who assume that anybody who lists his or her body type as "average" is actually overweight are cynical at best. Before jumping to often-incorrect conclusions, explore what you have in common with each individual and then, if you feel a click on the phone, take a chance and meet in person. You may be passing up a lot of great potential dates by erroneously prejudging them. Believe it or not, some people actually look BETTER than their photos! I certainly found this to be the case with several men I met online and wound up dating.

Myth #5-It's hard to find men online who are into the arts and culture. This is definitely not true. There are several dating sites for people who love art, theater, ballet, etc., such as:
- artistfriendsdate.com
- lovearts.com
- agreaterdate.com
- artist.singles.dating.com
- theatrebuddies.us
- balletpassions.com
There are also groups on www.meetup.com for those who love film, theater, opera, ballet, and more. You could also search the large sites like Match.com or Plenty of Fish (www.pof.com) for fellow arts lovers by typing in a keyword like film, theater, opera, ballet, etc. The site will sort through the profiles and show you the ones that mention that keyword.

That busts some of the common myths. Don't buy into these inaccurate mind-sets. If you enter the online dating realm with a positive attitude, you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll be setting up phone calls and coffee meetings with nice people! Give me a call if you need some support with that (267-245-3023). I'd be happy to help!

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Guys: Finding It Challenging Writing Your Online Dating Profile?

If so, you're not alone. Help writing profiles is the #1 reason clients hire me as their dating coach.

I know it's not easy writing about yourself, much less trying to come across as confident and interesting without being arrogant. 

Where do you begin when an online dating site asks you to describe yourself in just a few paragraphs? What do you say so you sound like a unique person whose had an interesting life and would be fun to date? It can be quite a challenge, especially if you're not comfortable with writing in general.  

That's where a professional coach who's also a professional marketing writer comes in. I can compose those paragraphs about you in no time...in a way that highlights your best qualities, conveys a bit of your personality, AND sounds appealing to women.

A Pew Study in late 2013 found that 30% of women asked someone else to help write or review their dating profile compared to just 16% of men. 

Why? Because men fear looking incompetent. And so they struggle trying to write something that will impress women--unaware that their inexperience in this arena could be sabotaging them. Women clients tell me (and I noticed when I was reading guys' profiles online) that men often say very little about themselves, have a simplistic writing style, don't really know how to express things clearly, or make spelling/grammar mistakes. Or all of the above. And so, unfortunately, a man may come across to women reading his profile as bored, boring, or uneducated--even if he's one of the most intelligent, successful, fascinating guys around.

The solution? I have 2 suggestions:
1) Ask a woman to either help write or at the very least read your profile before you post it. You could talk to your sister, your daughter, a female friend or coworker--anyone who knows you pretty well and whose opinion you trust. Get her take on whether what you wrote is accurate about you and presents you in the best light. And, most important of all: Does the description sound like someone she'd consider dating? A female dating expert is also a good choice as a sounding board or writing assistant .

2) Attend a how-to workshop or seminar about writing a  winning profile. (Ask me when my next one is happening.)

If you need a few tips on writing a profile women will love, drop me a line. I'd be happy to write or critique your profile to ensure it makes you stand out with the ladies...and gets you started dating quality women right away!