Monday, February 22, 2010

How's Your Self-Image?

Do you think you're attractive? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Or are you self-critical, judgemental about your looks, and wishing you could change something about your appearance? If you're dissatisfied with how you look and afraid that will hinder you from finding dates, you're not alone. Probably 75% of my dating coaching clients--both men and women--aren't happy enough with their looks to believe a dating prospect will find them sexy.


Ladies, you wouldn't believe how many men tell me they're insecure about their height or their hair (or lack thereof). Men, it's amazing how many women with nice figures tell me they think they're fat. We're always our harshest critics. And, when we have these negative perceptions about our appearance, we're our own worst enemies too, especially in the dating world.

Not only do people with those perceptions give off "You wouldn't want to be with me" vibes, but they also put so much emphasis on looks that they forget about their other wonderful qualities--a great personality, a laugh-out-loud sense of humor, a huge heart, an ability to make others comfortable, a laid-back/down-to-earth quality that others love being around. For some reason, we humans tend to focus more on what we think is wrong with us rather than all the things that are right.

With all my clients, I ask "What makes you a great catch?" and help them focus on what people who know them well have said is outstanding about them. I force them to think about what makes them fun on a date. And we work together to shift their self-image and thus their confidence--which is 70% of the succcess formula for dating.

So next time you look in the mirror, zero in on your beautiful qualities. Focus on what's striking or unique about you. And decide to hold that thought next time you walk into a room full of singles, so you can hold your head up high. That kind of confidence is IRRESISTIBLE! And you will be too.
P.S. If an update of your hair, clothes, glasses, or body shape would make you feel better about yourself, by all means work to change that. But don't fixate on what you don't like so much that you lose sight of what you DO like...and what others have said is special about you. Otherwise, you'll feel like a loser rather than the winner you actually are. Feel like a winner, and you win at love. It's that simple.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Why singles hate Valentine's Day

I remember that aching feeling in the heart I had around Valentine's Day during the 8+ years I was single after my divorce. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the whole world is made of couples and you're the only one who's alone during this holiday celebrating love. Here are 3 ways to change those thoughts so you'll be happier and more at peace this February:

1) Learn the facts about singles: Statistics show that America is almost evenly split between singles and couples. The 96 million Americans who are unmarried represent 43% of the adult population--nearly half! In fact, since 2005, the majority of U.S. households have NOT been headed by married couples. So you're far from alone. There are tens of millions of others just like you...people who aren't yet part of a couple. alone has 20 million of them, and Yahoo has another 10 million.

2) Understand the truth about couples: Did you also know that only about 25% of married people describe themselves as happy? I remember seeing couples and assuming they were all experiencing the bliss that I wasn't. But that's just not the case.

3) Realize love is all around you: Just because you don't currently have a significant other doesn't mean Valentine's Day isn't for you. Think about all those who love you unconditionally...your parents, your kids, your pets, your best friends. There have to be at least 5 people in your life to send a Valentine to or to share a candelight dinner with. Go ahead and plan it NOW!

My warmest, fuzziest, most romantic Valentine's Day EVER was the one before I met my 2nd husband, when my best girlfriend and I shared a special meal, some top-quality wine, love poems to each other, a cozy fire, and an evening of from-the-heart conversation. How will YOU create a self-loving Valentine's Day gift to yourself? Drop me a note to tell me what you did. I'd love to hear about it!