AVOID THESE 3 UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS IN THE OVER-50 DATING WORLD

If you're over 50, how realistic do you think you are about the people you'll meet in the dating world? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may not be realistic at all:

1) My date needs to be as good-looking or better looking than my last partner.

2) My date should be willing to make me the first priority in his/her life.

3) My date should be ready to go to bed with me by the third date.

Sounds crazy, right? But I can assure you I've worked with clients who had one or all of these expectations when they came to me for coaching, and my job was to help them do "a reality check".

LOOKS-In the first situation, some people set the bar way too high when it comes to looks and/or put far too much emphasis on appearance. Which makes very little sense for older daters who aren't the smooth-skinned "spring chickens" they once were.

Men and women are both guilty of this. How realistic is it, as one 50-something widower told me, to expect the women he dates now to have "a bikini body, just like my wife did"? (Note: his wife died in her 40s and never had any children.) And how realistic is it for a 60-something woman to expect a man her age to "have no beer belly" and to be as fit and health-minded as she is? 
What I suggest: I try to help both these types of people get real about the small minority of single people over 50 who fit those descriptions and encourage them to be more open-minded about appearance. I work with them on focusing instead on dating people with shared values, common interests, and similar lifestyles. You definitely can't tell a book by its cover.

PRIORITIES-In the second situation, I've had male clients bemoan the fact that women over 50 seem to be so busy with family, friends, jobs, volunteering, grandkids, hobbies, and traveling that they don't have time for a man in their life. The truth is that those women are often filling up their lives with people and activities so they won't be bored and lonely waiting for a man to appear. And, in general, men don't have as many friends to spend time with, and so they want their partners to be more available and to make them more of a priority. This is especially problematic if a man is already retired and his date isn't.
What I suggest: I encourage my overly busy female clients to carve out enough free time for both the dating search and actual dating...and tell them to keep in mind that a man wants to feel important in a woman's life. I encourage the men to create their own fun life, find ways to make more guy friends to do things with, and, when dating, to offer to get involved with the activities their lady loves.

SEX-I'd like to know who came up with this "3-date rule" thing. It can really mess up a potentially good relationship. 
What I suggest: It's wiser for both men and women to have no expectations, agenda, or timeline when it comes to intimacy. Let things flow naturally as caring and affection grow. A man putting pressure on a woman to have sex before she's ready (ie, feels an emotional connection to him) is not only counterproductive, but it borders on being coercive. Likewise, a woman who gives in and has sex just to ensure the man won't leave is fooling herself. He may get what he wants and leave anyway because he has not yet developed feelings for her. 

How about you? How realistic are your expectations in these 3 areas and other aspects of dating? If you might need a reality check to improve your chances of meeting a good match, let me know. I'd be happy to help!
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

WHY DO ONLINE PROSPECTS SEEM INTERESTED & THEN DISAPPEAR?

This is the #1 question I get as a dating coach. "Why do people email, call, and and even have a couple of meetings and then disappear for days or weeks at a time?"

A recent article I read calls this "cookie jarring" (https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/what-cookie-jarring-have-you-been-victim-dating-trend-ncna1018471) and says that, though it's common for folks in the online dating world to "play the field" and date a few people at once while trying to decide which one feels like the best fit, there's an unfortunate new trend in which someone will string others along as "backups" while they're focusing their real efforts on someone else.

Similar to the way we might reach for a cookie when want a pick-me-up, the "cookie-jarrer" reaches out to his/her backup person when he/she starts to feel unsure about where the other relationship is headed, when the person he/she is pursuing isn't available, or after he/she has been rejected. In short, the cookier-jarrer is an insecure person who needs a "security blanket" and a contingency plan with someone else just in case the current dating relationship doesn't work out. 

The clients who come to me (the aforementioned "backups") are understandably confused and not very happy about the way they're being treated (ie, the pursuer isn't keeping in good touch, suggesting a date, or sounding at all enthused about learning more about them).

Sadly, these folks aren't immediately aware they're being kept on the "back burner". The pursuer dangles just enough "crumbs" to lead them to believe he/she is actually interested in moving to the next stage after a few emails, phone calls, or even get-togethers. But then nothing happens. The pursuer stops emailing/calling, doesn't arrange an actual date, and then disappears.

Here are the signs you're being "cookie-jarred":
1) The pursuer never wants to make a definite plan with you for a specific day or time but instead suggests coming over to your house on the spur of the moment
2) The pursuer doesn't make an effort to keep in touch with you and expects you to do all the contacting
3) There are big gaps in time between texts or emails
4) The pursuer avoids or gets defensive about conversations re: defining the relationship
5) The pursuer doesn't seem to be free on weekends
6) You sense that the pursuer is overly needy or insecure

If any of these things have happened to you, my best advice is for you to disappear too. Stop emailing or texting or calling to find out what happened. Just move on. 

Don't waste your precious time chasing after someone who's evasive, inconsiderate, or even rude about following up with you. Accept the fact that he/she just isn't interested (or, in truth, isn't mature and empathetic enough to think of the way his/her actions are impacting you). 

By moving  on, you free up the time and energy you need to find someone else who IS interested!

If you need direction or support in how to do that, give me a call (267-245-3023) or email me (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com). I'd love to help!