Listening Is Vital for Dating and Relationships

How well do you listen to others? Have poor listening skills negatively affected your relationships with family, friends, colleagues, bosses, or the people you were dating or in relationship with? If we're honest, most of us have to admit we could be better listeners. I know I could be. 

In fact, better listening is my top priority with my partner. But it's hard for me because I'm a big talker who is uncomfortable with silence. And, in my relationship, it's even trickier because my partner is a better listener than talker and is sometimes hesitant to reveal what he's thinking or feeling.

Sound familiar? Luckily, there is hope if we learn more about and practice better listening.

My research about and experience in the dating world and in my serious partnerships has shown me one thing very clearly: active listening is vital when getting to know someone in the beginning and when nurturing relationships along the way.

Research shows that the ability to listen carefully and then empathize with someone can do wonders for any relationship. Here are some tips to help you incorporate empathetic listening skills into your relationships:

• Refrain from talking. Sounds easy, but I can attest to the fact it isn't. Your first impulse might involve adding your "two cents" before the other person has finished talking. While you might think you are actively involving yourself with his or her issue, in truth you may be limiting or halting the person's ability to communicate. Keep silent until he or she pauses for a response from you.
• Acknowledge the other person's feelings. Empathy means you sympathize and understand. You can verbalize this by repeating what the person has told you and prefacing it with a statement such as, "I understand that you are feeling…"
• Ask for clarity. Sometimes listening involves clarifying not only what the person says but what he or she means. Once you restate what the other person has said, ask for clarification if you are confused.
• Remain neutral. Hot topics often involve raised voices and emotional outbursts. If you want to empathize, you've got to stay neutral.
• Listen to not only what is being said but also to what may not be said. This may include fears, doubts, concerns, and even dreams.
• Listen respectfully…no matter how angry you might be.
• Wait to think about your reply. Don't begin composing it in your mind until the other person has completely finished talking.
• Start with empathy. Repeat an overall concern of the other person to show that you have in fact been listening.
• Don't jump to conclusions.
• Be an active listener. Maintain eye contact and watch your body language.

So, how good are you at listening well to what a new dating prospect says when you first meet? And how well do you listen to his or her answers when you ask those important getting-to-know-you questions during the first few months? What about later, when you're in a relationship and trying to strengthen your connection?

I know it's not easy, but I've been practicing active listening in my relationship for a while, and I'd be happy to share with you what I've learned. If you need support in this effort at any stage of dating or relating, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!

(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)

DATE YOURSELF FIRST!

There is a 2005 book called Marry Yourself  First! by Ken Donaldson, which I sometimes recommend to my clients as they prepare for dating. As the subhead says, it's about designing a life of passion, power & purpose. It emphasizes the importance of creating your own happiness before you seek a husband or life partner and expect him to do that for you.

I agree wholeheartedly...and I always urge my clients seeking healthy partnerships to get healthy and happy themselves first. 

For my female clients, this can be tough. Often, they're so busy focusing on making other people happy (their parents, kids, bosses, clients, friends, etc.) that they don't know what makes them happy. Even if they do know, they often don't carve out time to do those things.

This is what I mean when I say "Date Yourself First". Plan some fun for yourself. Pamper yourself. Do things you love! There's no need to wait for someone to accompany you. A happy, healthy woman knows how to thoroughly enjoy her own company--wherever she is, whatever she's doing.

That's the philosophy of a female self-empowerment expert I like named Regena Thomashauer (aka "Mama Gena"), and it's why I recommend her books,  website (http://mamagenas.com/), and events to my single/divorced/widowed women clients. Her enterprise--The School of Womanly Arts--helps women get back in touch with and learn how to express their desires and needs. Mama Gena believes that the only way to manifest what you want in your life is to clearly define it and then have the confidence to ask for it.  

This was hard for me for many years...until I discovered Mama Gena. She asked us to gather with a group of women, make a "Desires" list, and then share it aloud with everyone. This is easier said than done, but, after a few months of practice, I got more comfortable doing it. Mama Gena helped me learn how to ask the people in my life for what I wanted as a request rather than a demand--as a favor rather than an expectation. It worked especially well with the men in my life and eventually helped me form healthier bonds and more fulfilling partnerships than I'd ever had before (including the relationship I'm in now at age 66). 

How about you? Do you feel you might need to get in better touch with your desires? Do you want to strengthen your ability to create your own happiness and, as a result, attract someone to share it with you? If so, I highly recommend reading and doing all the exercises in Thomashauer's first book Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. 

I'd be happy to support you as you do that! Just call me at 267-245-3023 or email gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com.