Wednesday, March 30, 2011


You've probably heard the expression "BE who you want to attract" (based on the universal Law of Attraction, which says that like attracts like). The concept is that, in order to attract a fun, well-balanced, emotionally secure person, you need to be those 3 things. When you're in a positive place, you attract positive people and experiences; when you're in a negative place, you tend to find negative people and experiences coming into your life.

What I found in my dating years and continue to notice today is that "what I focus on expands." If I focus on what's going wrong or what I don't have in my life (by complaining or thinking too much about my problems or challenges), things continue to go wrong. I don't seem to get what I want.

Here's an example: As a dating coach, I ask clients to write down their "partner vision" -- the qualities and character traits they are most attracted to and feel compatible with in a partner. Sometimes, though, they haven't given this enough thought and send me instead a list of what they DON'T want (often based on the qualities of the partner from the last failed relationship they were in). It's a case of "I don't know what I want, but I definitely know what I don't want." The problem with this is that their thoughts and emotions are focused on those things they don't want, rather than on what they desire instead.

So, here's how to turn that around so you can focus on what you DO want (whether in a partner, a new job, your finances, your living situation, your free time, or whatever)and be more likely to draw that into your life:
Take that list of what you don't want and draw 2 columns; in the first, you'll put that list, and then, next to each item in the 2nd column, you'll write the opposite of that. Voila! You have a list of what you desire--what is more of a fit for you. Now, all you have to do is FOCUS on that list in the right column. Throw away the negative list and keep a copy of the positive list in a place you're likely to see it throughout the day. Read the entire list a couple times a day and envision each of those "best-case scenarios" actually happening in your life. Imagine them in complete detail and let yourself daydream about them as often as you can. Soon, they'll begin to feel real, believable, and achievable.

For some reason, we humans tend to imagine "worst-case scenarios" a lot more than best case. Why is this? Don't we feel worthy to have what we desire? Or do we just think we're being unrealistic dreamers? It doesn't really matter. The point is that we can stop this type of thinking, shift our focus, and begin to attract into our lives the things we focus on. We just need to make up our minds to make that shift and keep that promise to ourselves day after day, week after week.

An excellent book I'm using as the basis of a monthly motivational group I run is The Passion Test; it says that, in order to attract what you want, you need to set an INTENTION, put ATTENTION on it (the focus I've been talking about), and then come from a place of NO TENSION (without worrying about how it'll manifest in your life..but continuing to believe that it will), so it can flow naturally to you with the help of the Law of Attraction. I've done this in my life many times, and it really works!

How about you? Are you attracting what you want? Or are you focusing too much on what you don't have or don't want by complaining about your current situation (ie, feeling like a victim)? I'd love to hear your stories and/or your feedback.

Monday, March 21, 2011


The more you know about the opposite sex, the easier it will be to date. Seems obvious, right? Yet, many singles only know what they've learned from past relationships...and, unfortunately, a lot of that is based on negative experiences that leave a bad taste in their mouths. "Relationship Communication 101" wasn't part of their school curriculum.

You've heard it a million times: A key difference between men and women is communication style. And so it's not surprising that communication issues are one of the top reasons for breakups. Misunderstandings lead to defensiveness and anger. And yet how many of us take the time to examine the obstacles in the way of good communication, learn to communicate better, and then put what we learned into practice in dating and relating?

The bottom line: if we just took the time to understand each other's thought processes and motivations better, we could avoid the misunderstandings that drive a wedge between us and cause detachment and stalemate. How can we "talk things out" when we don't know how to talk to each other so we're heard and understood?

My husband and I are total opposites in the way we communicate: I'm the extreme extrovert who's comfortable opening up about every detail of my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. He's the extreme introvert who's very UNCOMFORTABLE verbalizing in general (much less about his thoughts and feelings), so discussing our relationship is torturous and difficult for him. The shorter such discussions are, the better, from his point of view. This, of course, is frustrating for me, because I feel pressured to express everything I want to say in 20 minutes or less, and that's hard for me (since I tend to be verbose).

What would make things easier? Well, relationship coaching for us and self-esteem-related therapy for me have given us the answer: I need to be quiet, listen, and give him the time to express himself and also refrain from correcting his choice of words or judging him in any way. He, in turn, needs to somehow (through the written word or physical touch) express his affection and show me that he's there for me so I'll feel secure. In short, we each have to understand and accept the other's emotional and psychological needs and modify our behaviors to reflect that.

Recently, we've done this and come to a new, healthier place in our relationship. I feel closer; he feels safer. And we're both happier.

What about you? Does this ring true for you in your relationships? I'd love to hear your comments.