Monday, November 26, 2018

Your Age Doesn't Have to Be an Obstacle in Dating

I just read an article by another dating coach telling singles over 60 that age isn't an obstacle in dating unless you believe it is. Very true!

Many of my 60+ clients, especially the women, believe their age is a detriment in finding men to date, and that belief winds up being the main thing blocking them from dating success--sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. They think nobody will want to date someone their age, and--lo and behold--they have trouble meeting people.

That's because, in dating as in any life pursuit, ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING. If you start off with a negative attitude about your chances of finding love after 60, that in itself reduces your chances of success. In other words, you receive what you believe. 

In her book 60 on Up: The Truth About Aging in America, psychologist Lillian Rubin says that most single men over 65 have very little trouble finding women to date, whereas women the same age struggle. One of the reasons is that women don't adapt as well to the aging process. They have trouble accepting their fading looks, expanding waistlines, and waning sex drive. They don't feel sensual and attractive, and so they assume they're not.

Older women who DO feel attractive are the ones who are totally comfortable in their own skin (even if it's not young and taut!), and they've grown and evolved enough that they can love themselves as they are. It's a growth process that takes time, intentionality, focus, and patience, but it's possible for every woman. This growth--and the wisdom that comes with aging--are, as I've discovered, two of the positive aspects of getting older.

As I've learned in my 60s, loving yourself by treating yourself well, feeding your soul, and following your own bliss is the key to helping you let go of negativity and self-judgment so you can see yourself as lovable and, in turn, be more loving toward other people. And, of course, a loving, kind person is someone others want to spend time with--and even ask out on a date!

I invite you to get really honest with yourself and do an attitude check: 
How well are you accepting the aging process and yourself as an older person? I know it's not easy, but it's a journey toward self-love that has many benefits. If you're like me and many other "seniors," you care far less about what other people think of you than you did when you were younger. You've figured out that it's what you think about yourself that counts. That's one benefit of aging right there.

If you can get to a place where you think more highly of yourself and then can make a list of all the endearing qualities that make you a "great catch", you're on your way to the attitude shift that will make dating success more likely. Hint: many of the things on that list will be the same character and personality traits you had in your 20s. They're just contained in a different "package" now. 

The inner qualities that made you desirable and fun to be with when you were young haven't changed. You're the same on the inside; only the outside has changed. Your wrinkles are "smile lines"--the result of years of smiling and enjoying life during the last 60+ years. And you'll have a lot more to smile about when you look at age as a badge of honor rather than an obstacle--and you have a great partner to share smiles with.

OK, are you ready to get out into the dating world with a brand new attitude? I know you can do it. Best of luck!
(Feel free to contact me if you need some moral support:

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Your Happiness Is YOUR Responsibility

Because I'm a dating coach, singles talk to me all the time about why they want to find someone to love. They truly believe--as I do--that sharing love with a special person is one of life's greatest joys...and that a relationship with the right partner will bring them the happiness they seek.

But the older I get, the more clearly I understand that nobody else can make me happy. I need to be intentional and proactive about "following my own bliss" on a regular basis. Now, finally, after 60+ years of living, I "get it" that, as the 1994 book says, Happiness Is a Choice-- and that I have the ability to make that choice every second of every day.

I have a wonderful, loving, caring partner. And I feel special and important when I'm with him and generally content with our relationship. But, I've come to see that just being with my partner doesn't ensure my happiness. Things can be going fine between us, with no conflict or disagreements and plenty of quality time together and affection. But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel as if something is missing in my life. 

Now I realize those are the times I need to look at how well I'm taking care of my own needs.

No other person or group of people can fill all your needs and desires--even if they're aware of all of them. Only you know what you need in every moment. And it's up to you to fill your own needs the best you can...without expecting others to take care of you. As one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Louise Hay, says, "When you have expectations, you set yourself up for disappointment." 

Here's an example from my personal experience. The mood swings of the "change of life" sometimes cause unexpected bouts of melancholy to wash over me suddenly. I used to wonder why I felt so sad--and thought maybe it meant I wasn't feeling satisfied with the world at large, the political landscape, my career, my partner, or something else in my external world. 

Now I know that's not the case. The unease I feel is internal. And only I can take the steps needed to make it better. 

This is when extreme self-care is needed. For me, that means carving out time for things that make me feel warm, uplifted, and joyful inside. I find that listening to my favorite music, dancing, luxuriating in a hot bath, reading some passages in my Daily Guidance From Your Angels book, calling a dear friend, walking in nature, digging in my vegetable garden, or arranging some fragrant flowers does wonders to lift my spirits, feed my soul, and make me feel alive and happy again.

How about you? Are you able to give yourself the "me" time on a regular basis that makes you feel loved and content--even when your partner isn't with you, or when you're alone because you haven't yet met that special someone? I hope so. 

I'd be interested in hearing what you do to create the inner peace and contentment that sometimes seem elusive. Drop me a note at