Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Dating "Consciously" Attracts Healthier Partners

Are you intentional and focused when you're out there searching for dates? In other words, do you know exactly what type of person you want to meet... and are you putting attention and effort into finding that person? 

Being "conscious" about dating is important if you want to waste less time with the wrong ones and have more success in finding the right one.

David Steele, Founder of the Relationship Institute and author of Conscious Dating: Finding the love of your life and the life that you love, describes "10 Principles of Conscious Dating" that are definitely worth implementing in your dating life. Fortunately for me, I've found a man interested in following these principles with me as we now build a "Conscious Relationship"--which makes me very happy!

Here are the principles you should follow when seeking a life partner for yourself. I did all 10 of these things and believe that's what made it easier for me to attract a super-compatible guy:
1) Know who you are and what you want. Make sure you have a detailed "partner vision." And don't over-compromise or settle for less than you know is right for you.
2) Learn how to get what you want. Assess the dating information, tools, and skills you'll need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans for your partner search.
3) Be the "Chooser." Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't just wait around and then react to who chooses you. Reach out to those YOU feel are your best matches.
4) Balance your head with your heart. Don't operate solely from inside a "romantic bubble." Be realistic. Listen for red flags with new people so you can make your relationship choices consciously and rationally. 
5) Be ready and available for commitment. Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship. 
6) Use the "Law of Attraction." Be the partner you are seeking. Develop yourself and live the life you want in order to attract the best person for you. The more alike you and your partner are, the easier your dating life will flow.
7)  Gain relationship knowledge and skills. Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read books and article about relationship success strategies. Get dating and/or relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8) Create a support community. Make sure to surround yourself with positive people who support your dating goals. Those who are isolated as singles can become lonely in their relationships because they expect a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9) Practice assertiveness. To get what you really want, you need to say "No" to what you don't want. Set boundaries, have clear parameters, and stick to them.
10) Be a "successful single." Don't put your life on hold while waiting for a relationship. Live your life vision and purpose while you're single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy single person living the life you really want. Then, a partner will just be the "cherry on top" of your wonderful life--the one special person to share that life with you! 

To date consciously, you need to remind yourself of these principles every day. How many of them are you already following? Make note of the ones you're still working on and focus your attention on improving in those areas. If you need some moral support or someone to hold you accountable for doing that, let me know. I'm here to help.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

5 Fascinating Facts About Online Dating

As Match.com celebrates its 20th anniversary, online dating has been in the news recently. One piece I found particularly interesting discusses 5 interesting findings from a 2014 Pew Research Center study and report on "How American Couples Use Technology." 

A lot sure has changed since 1995, when only 14% of American adults used the Internet and online dating options were few. Now, about 90% of Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance.

Here is what the Pew study found:
1) Most Americans say online dating is a good way to meet people. 
It has lost its stigma, and almost half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or met a spouse or long-term partner that way.
2) About 20% of adults 25-34 have used online dating, but it's also popular with older singles. In fact, 17% of adults 35-44, 8% of those 45-54, 6% of those 55-64, and 3% of adults 65+ have used online dating sites or apps. (Speaking of apps, Tinder--the app that lets you swipe to say yes or no to prospects by showing the faces of singles in your neighborhood, creates 2 billion swipes and 12 million matches a day.)
3) 66% of people who've used online dating have gone on a date with someone they met on these sites.
That figure is up from 43% in 2005.
 4) 20% of online daters have asked someone else to help with their profile.
Many, especially women, enlist their friends to help. In fact, 30% of women vs. 16% of men have sought assistance writing or reviewing their profile.
5) 5% of Americans who are married or in a committed relationship say they met their significant other online.
Of those who've been with their partner for 5 years or less, 88% say they met offline--with meeting through friends as the most likely way couples connect.

Other research, as noted in Aziz Ansari's new book Modern Romance, shows that:
- 38% of "single and looking" Americans of all ages have used online dating
- women get 4 times as many emails on dating sites as men do

What I conclude after reading all these statistics is:
1) Women should feel free to initiate contact on Internet dating sites, since men don't get much email and would welcome the attention from someone who is truly interested.
2) Online dating is definitely worth trying. Most folks know someone who met a partner that way, and 2/3 wind up getting a date via the dating sites.
3) It is still smart to do BOTH online dating and socializing with friends, groups, and activities, since such a large percentage of couples meet offline. I met about half the men I dated over the years online and the other half offline, so I know both methods work. 

How about you? Are you part of the 1/3 of online daters still waiting to get that first coffee date set up? If so, I'd love to help by offering you a coaching session. Or, you can read my online dating how-to book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50," available on this website. Happy Dating!!


Friday, June 5, 2015


At a recent seminar I presented on the topic of having the courage to take risks as a way to transform your life, several single women participants (ages 40s to 60s) mentioned that fear of rejection was the single biggest reason they either didn't like or hadn't yet tried online dating.

Unfortunately, that's a self-sabotaging fear that could prevent them from meeting the love of their life.

Sure, we're all a bit nervous when meeting someone new in a high-pressure situation like a "blind date" which is what that first get-together for coffee or tea can feel like. You've only seen a photo of the person you're meeting and have no idea what he really looks like or whether you'll feel any attraction to him.

But keep this in mind: he's nervous too! He's wondering if you'll look like your photo...whether he'll be attracted to you...and whether you'll be interested in him. And--let's be honest--you're both nervous about making a good first impression and not saying something that will scare the person off before you've gotten to know each other.

My advice (learned after dozens of initial meetings) is to RELAX. Be yourself. Don't worry about the impression you're making or about editing what you say. Let the conversation flow naturally. And, most important of all, show a sincere interest in listening to what the other person has to say.

Approach the coffee date with a sense of adventure. This is a chance to enter the world of someone new--and to possibly learn fascinating information about hobbies, careers, or travel destinations you don't know much about. I certainly had fun soaking up fun facts about a myriad of topics in the 60+ coffee dates I had over the years.

And then, one day, the conversation just flowed so well with a certain guy, and the comfort level and warmth were so obvious between us that I knew we'd be seeing each other again...and again...and again.

This can happen for you too...if you leave that fear of rejection at the door and enter with the intention of real connection. If you need moral support before you start, let me know. I'd love to help!