Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Single Women: Do you LIKE men?

This may sound like a funny question, but it crosses my mind often when I talk to single/divorced women at my seminars or as clients. After listening to a litany of complaints and criticisms of men (the ones they divorced and the ones they've dated since then), I start to wonder: Do they like men at all? Don't they know any fabulous, big-hearted guys?

Granted, when people come to me for one-on-one dating help or advice at a seminar, they're usually in a fairly negative place. They've tried a lot of things that haven't worked...had a lot of disappointments in the dating world...and are losing faith and/or giving up. They're about to throw up their hands and scream "I've looked everywhere, and I can't find any decent men!" So it's no surprise I tend to hear more negative than positive commentaries on a day-to-day basis.

Just once, I'd love to hear a female client say to me "I really like men. In fact, I have a bunch of great male friends, and I'm friendly with my ex-husband now. I just need new ideas for crossing paths with guys who are my type for dating." Wow! It'd be a breeze getting a woman like that more dates! She's got the type of attitude that makes her a man magnet! :-)

Unfortunately, most of the women who seek my help have not-so-flattering opinions of men and carry an array of toxic emotions related to past experiences with guys, including mistrust, anger, disillusionment, disgust, and fear. (Of course, men sometimes carry similar emotions, but that's another blog.) They're often very judgmental, unforgiving, and uncompassionate. Because they don't understand men enough to know why they do the things they do, the tend to make incorrect snap judgments about them and to write them off as uncouth, uncultured, or inappropriate. Pretty soon, they're letting their experiences with the "bad apples" color their thinking and feelings about ALL single/divorced men. And that's sad.

Sad because they could be passing up some genuinely nice guys. I could tell the story of the generous, devoted, supportive man I met online and married until I'm blue in the face. But they tend to think I was "lucky" and their chances of finding the same are nonexistent. I disagree...because it was after I changed my attitude about men that nicer guys came into my life.

An attitude shift (along with my guidance as to where they're more likely to find nice guys) can totally change these women's search results. The better they understand the deep-felt emotions that are under the surface for most men, the more open-hearted and accepting they'll be when meeting new men. And there's nothing more attractive to a man than an understanding, accepting woman. Try it and see! And let me know how it goes or what you think. I'd love to hear from you!

Friday, April 23, 2010


You know how sometimes you'll meet someone who just makes you feel uncomfortable? You can't explain it, but there's something that rubs you the wrong way...or that makes you think there's something strange going on under the surface. You just can't put your finger on it. That's what I would call "negative vibes."

Often unknown to the person, he or she is eminating a certain kind of vibration that others can pick up when they talk to them or are near them. Some of it is communicated through their body language, tone of voice, and attitude. But some of it is also the energetic frequency at which that person is "vibrating." Every person and creature has an energetic vibration, and when we're in a peaceful, happy place, we give off the highest, most-attractive vibes. In fact, research shows that love, gratitude, peace, joy, compassion, laughter, kindness, and truth are some of the highest vibrations...while hate, shame, anger, fear, judgment, mistrust, jealousy, and lying are the lowest.

So...what kind of vibes do you think people are picking up from you? Are you often in a negative or fearful place? Do you complain about the opposite sex a lot? Do you tend to focus on what's going wrong in the world or in your life? Or do you try to look at the bright side and focus on the good things that are happening? When you do the latter, you're much nicer to be around and much more fun to get to know.

This is why it's smart to catch yourself if you're stuck in a negative place and try to shift your energy to be more positive, upbeat, and optimistic...ESPECIALLY if you're out meeting new people in the dating world. Isn't it great when you meet somebody who seems to be happy, at peace, laughing and having fun, with a positive outlook on life? Sure! And wouldn't more people want to be with YOU if those were the vibes you were giving off more of the time? Absolutely!

Unfortunately, many of the single, divorced, and widowed people who come to me for dating coaching voice a lot of complaints about the opposite-gender people they're meeting online or at singles events. They spend 80% of their time focusing on what they see as the subpar quality of the folks they're encountering, and then they wonder why they keep attracting more of the same.

The reason is that their thoughts are creating their reality. The more they think and believe that "there are no good men out there," the more low-quality men they find. What they believe they receive.

How about you? Do you believe there are some wonderful, big-hearted, high-quality prospects out there in the singles world...and it's just a matter of time until you meet somebody who'd be just right for you? Or have you concluded that--if they even exist--it's really hard to find such people, and you think the chances of your meeting them are small to nil? If you're stuck in this spiral of negative thinking, know that you CAN change it...but only if you make up your mind to and have a strong daily intention. If you need help with that, drop me a line. I'd love to help.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How well do YOU understand the opposite sex?

The better you understand the psyches and behaviors of the opposite sex, the easier it will be to get dates and the smoother your dating relationships will go. For instance, women will be able to write an online dating profile username and headline that appeals more to men and instantly grabs their attention (such as "I'm cute and I love to cook"), so they'll get more hits and more dates. Similarly, both sexes will have less trouble flirting and more success breaking the ice with others at singles gatherings when they have a clue about what's going on in the other person's mind. For example, if a guy understands that a woman is often more flattered when he notices her smile rather than her figure, he'll keep his eyes more on her face and give a nice compliment about that when starting a conversation...and will get a MUCH warmer reaction.

I know this from experience in both my single and married lives. The more I learn about how men think and why they do the things they do, the easier it is to accept my husband and to be kind in the face of behaviors that used to upset me. For example, a client of mine recently said she'd told her husband she wished he'd give her compliments more often. And he told her he doesn't feel he should have to SAY those things...she should know how he feels about her by the things he DOES for her. I know my husband is the same way. It isn't often I hear "you look nice in that" but he'll go out and fill up my car tires without my asking. He's always doing little things to make our house nicer or my daily schedule easier, and I now know (5 years into my 2nd marriage)that this is how he tells me he loves me. It's just the way guys are.

Men say FAR more with actions than they do with words. In fact, research shows that women say about 5 times more words in a day than men do, so it's obvious men aren't as comfortable verbalizing things, especially their own thoughts and feelings. As a result, it pays for us women to figure out what their actions mean. And, of course, it pays for men to pick the brains of their sisters, mothers, and female friends to find out more about how women think.

Armed with this knowledge, the "battle of the sexes" could be a lot less combative and a lot more compassionate.

What do you think? Are you trying to understand the opposite sex better? If so, is it making your relationships easier? I'd love to hear your story. Or feel free to pick my brain about what makes the opposite sex tick. I have plenty of insight and resources to share to make things easier.