Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Stop Seeing "Mr. Wrong" to Meet "Mr. Right"

Another common dating mistake I see ALL the time is this: A woman is dating someone she knows is wrong for her but doesn't understand how that's hindering her from meeting someone better. She'd rather stay with the "devil she knows" than venture out into the dating world of the unknown.

To her, it's logical: she doesn't know if and when she'll ever meet "Mr. Right", so she might as well stay with "Mr. Wrong". She drifts aimlessly and mindlessly along in the relationship (even if she's bored, unhappy, or even mistreated) because she's afraid and/or unmotivated to make the effort to change her life and fulfill her desires. She may not be having any fun with or getting her needs met by this guy, but at least she has someone to do things with on Saturday night.

To me, this is not only illogical but also self-sabotaging and counterproductive. My dating experiences and those of my clients have shown me that you're wasting precious time and energy when you stay stuck with the wrong one instead of seeking the right one. You're also telling the Universe "I'm OK with second best. Don't worry about me." Is that really the message you want to send?

Also, from a practical point of view, if you spend every weekend with a "ho-hum" mismatched partner, you simply won't have the time to seek new prospects by going out to activities or searching online. In fact, this is what many women tell me. Well, duh! Of course, you won't have the time if you don't make the time! They'd rather just moan about and blame the man they're with for their discontent--when, actually, they are the ones to blame.

When I suggest that a client stop seeing his/her current "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" to free up time to cross paths with new people, they often resist. They can't imagine being without someone, so they ignore my suggestion. And, of course, they just continue on--unhappily settling for 2nd best--because they're not willing or don't understand how crucial it is to close one door so a new one can open.

Or maybe they just don't feel worthy or capable of attracting the best. (This too is a common problem in the dating world.)

In any event, none of the above behaviors will help you attract the love of your life. Here's what will: saying goodbye to the person who's not right and then focusing your energy on seeking someone who is.

I have a recent personal example to motivate you: I had 4 dates with someone (let's call him Man #1) in January who then dropped the ball and stopped asking me out. By the time he did ask again 3 weeks later, I'd already been using a different dating site for 2 weeks and had met a great new guy (Man #2)...and had decided I liked him a lot more. I was more attracted to Man #2, and he seemed much more interested in getting to know me than Man #1. We're now happily dating and excited about fun activities we've planned for March and April. I have absolutely no regrets about ending things with Man #1...because otherwise I would never have met the guy who's a much better match for me!

How about you? Are you ready to say no to what you don't want in order to have a clean slate and a clear path to what you DO want? If so, let me know. I'd be happy to moral support and guide you!

Monday, February 2, 2015

Biggest Mistake in Online Dating

Not being ready for in-person dating!

Though I've written plenty of articles about common online dating mistakes, I can now narrow that long list down to the one mistake I notice more often than any other: People put themselves on an online dating site before they're actually ready to date.

They think they're ready, but as soon as someone writes to them or asks them to chat on the phone or meet for coffee, they either hesitate and disappear or take Step 1 but can't move to Step 2. Here are 3 examples:

1) I had a great first meeting (3 hours of nonstop, lively conversation) and then 3 very nice dates with a guy who really seemed to like me. Then, when he asked me for date 4 on a Friday night and I had other plans, he told me Saturday and Sunday, though good for me, weren't possible for him but didn't suggest another time. In fact, when he called about it, we barely talked for 2 minutes before he had to run, saying that, even though "he really enjoyed hanging out with me," his life was super-busy with some "personal issues."

2) I had a nice phone call from another online guy who sounded anxious to meet me and asked me to breakfast the next morning. The conversation was going well until, 3/4 of the way through the meal, he told me he'd broken off a 14-year relationship 6 months earlier but was still missing his ex-girlfriend.

3) I had another good phone conversation with a man who followed up with an email telling me how much he enjoyed chatting and how attractive I was in my photo and then asking me if I could get together for a movie and drinks the following weekend (5 days later). When I said I'd prefer something other than a film so we could talk and get to know each other, he didn't write back. 

Confusing--to say the least. Why did men who seemed so interested at the outset suddenly  back off? Because, I believe, in all 3 cases, they realized, after looking at the reality of actually dating someone, that they weren't ready:

In case #1, he had too much to juggle in his life to make time for dating.
In case #2, he hadn't gotten over his ex-girlfriend before entering the dating world.
In case #3, something about talking to a woman instead of just seeing a film with her made him change his mind. I really don't understand that one at all. 

It just seems evident in all 3 cases that they just weren't ready to pick up the ball and go forward into actual dating.

The moral of the story: Before posting an online profile, make sure you've got your "ducks in a row" and have healed from your past...so you're ready, willing, and able to spend time with people in the real world, not just the cyber-world. Otherwise, not only are you wasting your time writing a profile and send/replying to emails, but you're misleading well-meaning, sincere people who really ARE ready for dating. 

Sound familiar? What do you all think? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!