Recently, a 63-year-old single male friend of mine told me he thinks the reason he hasn't been meeting any good matches for a serious relationship is because most women over 50 don't really want that.
In the years he's been back in the singles world after his last long-term relationship ended, he's dated a lot but has finally concluded that older divorced and widowed women just want someone to have dates and sex with--not a life partner or someone to live with or marry.
I did some research on the topic, and he may very well be right. A Pew Research study showed that only 15% of divorced/widowed women want to remarry. And another survey revealed that 40% of single women age 50-64 say they don't even want a relationship. Here are their reasons:
1) They've been unlucky in love and don't have much hope of meeting a compatible partner.
2) They really don't want to commit to someone again after bad past experiences.
3) They believe relationships cause too many problems.
When I dug deeper, I discovered that many women also say they like the freedom to do whatever they want without worrying about a partner's reaction, enjoy living alone, and are concerned that, if they got involved with a man their age or older, they might wind up being a caretaker for him if he develops health issues.
In short, these women are "happily single." Most have a wide circle of female friends and interesting hobbies, and they get out and pursue a variety of activities. And, of course, they spend a fair amount of time with their kids and grandkids. So their lives are full and fun, and they don't necessarily think life would be better if they had a man to share it with.
I am definitely not this type of woman. I believe life is richer with a partner to share its ups and downs as we work toward our common goals and enhance each other's personal growth, and it brings me joy to support my partner as he strives for his dreams and evolves spiritually.
So I feel sad for my guy friend who wants the same kind of partnership for himself--and can't seem to find a like-minded woman.
At the same time, I can also understand the point of view of the women over 50 who just prefer being on their own most of the time. Sure, they admit it'd be nice to have a "friend with benefits" man in their life to go to dinner and movies with, to travel with, and to make love with. But they don't want to devote the time and effort and expend the energy to find and sustain an actual relationship.
As some of my female clients have said, "It's exhausting. I'm getting too old for all that." I remember feeling like that now and then during my dating years. But my desire for a partnership always motivated me to get back out there and keep trying. And I'm certainly glad that I did!
How about you? Do you actually want a relationship? Or have you given up? In either case, I'd love to support you if you need it. Let's talk!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching or 267-245-3023)
Friday, February 21, 2020
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
This is definitely the piece of advice I give most often to dating coaching clients. I'm constantly reminding them that rejection is just part of the process in the dating world. They're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. Period.
Some people will click with you, and others won't. It's not something you can control. So it's a waste of energy to take anything someone does or says about you personally--especially early on when they barely know you.
The best thing to do is to let it go and move on...because it's usually not about you at all. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book The Four Agreements in the chapter entitled "Don't Take Anything Personally", "Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me; it is about them."
Of course, not taking things personally is easier said than done. We all know how hard it is to handle situations where we think or feel that people don't like us or we did something to offend them. We automatically assume we have some responsibility for their reaction.
The truth is we don't. We are only responsible for our own words, actions, and reactions.
Not taking things personally is definitely super-important in the dating world--so you can continue getting back up and trying again, over and over, to meet new people...without beating yourself up about what others said or did and allowing that to affect your self-esteem.
Since dating is a numbers game, letting negative comments go is the only way to maintain your positive self-image and the confidence needed to maximize your chances of meeting the right person for you.
This concept is also really important in the relationships you form after dating. I've been with my current partner for 5 years, and I'm still learning not to take things personally when we have a conflict. It's a knee-jerk reaction I often have, a hard-to-shake behavior left over from the many years I spent as a "people pleaser" looking for approval from others rather than from myself.
Taking things personally and, as a result, sounding like a victim doesn't help me foster a deeper, healthier connection with my partner. Instead, it makes me look insecure, which he definitely doesn't find attractive. So, I'm working hard to see his actions and words as reflective of HIS views and experience rather than assuming they're about me. I'm catching myself when I'm tempted to make such assumptions...and making slow but steady progress in that effort.
How about you? Do you take things personally more often than you'd like? Is this behavior hurting you in your dating search or in your relationships? If so, let's talk. I can support you in shifting your thinking so you can eventually change the behavior. Reach out. I'd love to help!
(267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com)
Some people will click with you, and others won't. It's not something you can control. So it's a waste of energy to take anything someone does or says about you personally--especially early on when they barely know you.
The best thing to do is to let it go and move on...because it's usually not about you at all. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book The Four Agreements in the chapter entitled "Don't Take Anything Personally", "Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me; it is about them."
Of course, not taking things personally is easier said than done. We all know how hard it is to handle situations where we think or feel that people don't like us or we did something to offend them. We automatically assume we have some responsibility for their reaction.
The truth is we don't. We are only responsible for our own words, actions, and reactions.
Not taking things personally is definitely super-important in the dating world--so you can continue getting back up and trying again, over and over, to meet new people...without beating yourself up about what others said or did and allowing that to affect your self-esteem.
Since dating is a numbers game, letting negative comments go is the only way to maintain your positive self-image and the confidence needed to maximize your chances of meeting the right person for you.
This concept is also really important in the relationships you form after dating. I've been with my current partner for 5 years, and I'm still learning not to take things personally when we have a conflict. It's a knee-jerk reaction I often have, a hard-to-shake behavior left over from the many years I spent as a "people pleaser" looking for approval from others rather than from myself.
Taking things personally and, as a result, sounding like a victim doesn't help me foster a deeper, healthier connection with my partner. Instead, it makes me look insecure, which he definitely doesn't find attractive. So, I'm working hard to see his actions and words as reflective of HIS views and experience rather than assuming they're about me. I'm catching myself when I'm tempted to make such assumptions...and making slow but steady progress in that effort.
How about you? Do you take things personally more often than you'd like? Is this behavior hurting you in your dating search or in your relationships? If so, let's talk. I can support you in shifting your thinking so you can eventually change the behavior. Reach out. I'd love to help!
(267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com)
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
BE YOUR OWN VALENTINE FIRST
Valentine's Day is here again...the time of year when singles feel left out because they don't happen to be part of a couple. It can be discouraging and downright depressing to see all the TV ads, store displays, and media pieces about what gift to buy for or which restaurant to dine at with your partner for this Hallmark holiday.
It doesn't have to be this way. You have the power to reframe the meaning of the celebration.
You can start by remembering that Valentine's Day is all about cherishing everyone you love--your kids, parents, friends, pets, coworkers, neighbors--even if you aren't currently in a romantic relationship. But, if you're a single person looking for a partner to love, I'd also like to remind you of the importance of focusing on loving YOURSELF first.
As Ken Donaldson says in his 2005 book Marry YourSelf First, "When you commit to Marry YourSelf First, you can be assured that you know who you are, what you want, what you don't want, and the direction of your life. You will then find yourself filled with passionate purpose, and then you will be able to create relationship satisfaction."
Very true! Having a good sense of self and a life of purpose and passion makes you "a great catch" as you're searching for dating prospects...as well as a successful partner once you do form relationships.
Think about it: aren't you more attracted to someone who really likes and cares for him- or herself and who has the confidence to be authentic? That's someone who embodies self-love. Thus, since the Law of Attraction says you need to "BE who you want to attract", your first step for dating success is to be comfortable with and loving toward yourself.
The more you love yourself, the more worthy of love you'll feel. And, when you feel lovable, it's easier to draw in people who will also see you as lovable.
So...what are you planning to do this Valentine's Day to show yourself some love? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Surround yourself with people you care about
2) Plan an activity that makes you feel fulfilled and happy
3) Pamper yourself in a way you've been promising yourself you would
4) Focus on what you like about yourself, not what you don't like
5) Treat yourself the way you'd treat a significant other on a special holiday
Lastly, remember that self-loving behavior shouldn't be limited to Valentine's Day. If you want to attract love, it should be a daily practice year-round. That involves:
- Being kind and gentle with yourself, without judgment or negative self-talk.
- Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, like you would your best friend.
- Respecting yourself by setting and sticking to personal boundaries.
- Being totally honest with and true to yourself at all times.
- Validating yourself rather than seeking validation, approval, and acceptance from others.
If you need support with any of these practices, let me know. I'm here to help. (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com, 267-245-3023)
Once you're more self-loving, you'll be amazed at how many other loving people will gravitate into your life!
It doesn't have to be this way. You have the power to reframe the meaning of the celebration.
You can start by remembering that Valentine's Day is all about cherishing everyone you love--your kids, parents, friends, pets, coworkers, neighbors--even if you aren't currently in a romantic relationship. But, if you're a single person looking for a partner to love, I'd also like to remind you of the importance of focusing on loving YOURSELF first.
As Ken Donaldson says in his 2005 book Marry YourSelf First, "When you commit to Marry YourSelf First, you can be assured that you know who you are, what you want, what you don't want, and the direction of your life. You will then find yourself filled with passionate purpose, and then you will be able to create relationship satisfaction."
Very true! Having a good sense of self and a life of purpose and passion makes you "a great catch" as you're searching for dating prospects...as well as a successful partner once you do form relationships.
Think about it: aren't you more attracted to someone who really likes and cares for him- or herself and who has the confidence to be authentic? That's someone who embodies self-love. Thus, since the Law of Attraction says you need to "BE who you want to attract", your first step for dating success is to be comfortable with and loving toward yourself.
The more you love yourself, the more worthy of love you'll feel. And, when you feel lovable, it's easier to draw in people who will also see you as lovable.
So...what are you planning to do this Valentine's Day to show yourself some love? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Surround yourself with people you care about
2) Plan an activity that makes you feel fulfilled and happy
3) Pamper yourself in a way you've been promising yourself you would
4) Focus on what you like about yourself, not what you don't like
5) Treat yourself the way you'd treat a significant other on a special holiday
Lastly, remember that self-loving behavior shouldn't be limited to Valentine's Day. If you want to attract love, it should be a daily practice year-round. That involves:
- Being kind and gentle with yourself, without judgment or negative self-talk.
- Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, like you would your best friend.
- Respecting yourself by setting and sticking to personal boundaries.
- Being totally honest with and true to yourself at all times.
- Validating yourself rather than seeking validation, approval, and acceptance from others.
If you need support with any of these practices, let me know. I'm here to help. (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com, 267-245-3023)
Once you're more self-loving, you'll be amazed at how many other loving people will gravitate into your life!
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