"Too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating rather than the dating part."
So says comedian/author Aziz Ansari in his 2015 book Modern Romance--an amusing, well-researched look at 21st century dating, both online and off. I totally agree!
Most of my clients spend far more hours in front of their computers than they do going out for in-person meetings with prospects. Many waste loads of time replying to emails or "winks" from non-matches or engaging in endless back-and-forth correspondence with folks who have no interest in talking on the phone or meeting. And then they complain about how time-consuming and non-productive Internet dating is.
The problem isn't online dating. It's the way they're approaching it.
The approach I recommend is to sit at the computer only to search for and write initial emails to good matches (or reply to people who actually write you a full email rather than a wink)...and to exchange just a couple of emails before having a phone call (which you'll use to screen people to determine if you want to set up a face to face).
On this topic, one quote from Ansari's book is spot on, in my opinion. It's from biological anthropologist and Match.com adviser Helen Fisher. When talking about the "scientific algorithms" many dating sites use to match people, Fisher says:
"A face-to-face meeting is the only way to determine whether you have a future with someone. The human brain is the best algorithm. There's not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person."
Well said!! Because of this, Fisher recommends and I do too:
- Avoid reading too much into any given profile or email you receive
- Resist the temptation to start long online exchanges before a first meeting
- Set up an in-person coffee date as soon as possible after the initial email
This way, you won't burn out sitting at your computer, twiddling your thumbs waiting for replies that don't come, and getting disgusted with the whole process (as many of my clients say they are).
If someone doesn't respond within a couple days, move on to other folks on that site or try a new site. Keep at it, day after day, week after week, sending at least 5-10 persuasive, personalized emails a week, and you're bound to find some people as ready and willing as you are to take things beyond the virtual digital world so you two can meet in person and let the human brain (and your intuition) do their magic. You'll never know if there's a "spark" until you meet. Period.
Try this technique for just 2 weeks and write to tell me how it goes. I'm betting you'll be sitting at a coffee shop across from a great guy or girl sooner than you ever thought possible! GO FOR IT!!
P.S. If you need some moral support to get started, email or call me (firstname.lastname@example.org or 215-489-0225). I'll be rooting for you!!