I've been talking recently with over-60 friends and divorced/widowed clients as well as my partner of 5 years about the pros and cons of getting married again. So I did some research on the topic. According to a Pew Research Center report, only 15% of divorced or widowed women and 29% of men say they want to remarry. Those are pretty low numbers. Why the hesitation? There are many reasons.
"Single older boomers are starting to view remarriage less favorably," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, as well as an author and sexologist. “When they get divorced or widowed or have been single later in life, the motivation to pair up and shake up their life is muted,” she says. “And often, the conditions of past marriage were painful enough and difficult enough that they are loath to re-enter that fray.”
Women, in particular, are finding that they love their newfound independence too, according to Schwartz. Which is why many of them opt to live with a partner rather than get married. In fact, the number of adults over 50 who were living together without marrying more than doubled between 2000 and 2010, from 1.2 million to 2.75 million, according to the Journal of Marriage and Family. It's not that these couples fear commitment. Instead, financial planners say they're afraid marriage will mean increased health care costs, reduced retirement benefits, higher taxes, and disrupted estate plans. This could be true, but you need to talk to your financial consultant to find out if these fears apply to your situation. This article "The Pros and Cons of Getting Married Later in Life" could help you sort it out:
In the meantime, though, I recommend that you also consider the emotional aspects of having a partner in your life--whether you marry or live together. I was happy when my partner asked me to live with him because, of course, I love being with him but also because I like having a partner--sharing expenses, having each other's backs, traveling together, and, most importantly, enjoying companionship (someone to come home to each day, eat meals with, travel with, and cuddle and make love with).
Companionship is key. Many people who divorce or lose their spouse in their 50s are alone for the very first time in their lives, and that loneliness can be overwhelming. It can even make newly single people desperate enough to remarry too soon. My advice: slow down and think it through. Research shows that couples who create happy second marriages have taken the time to do the necessary grieving and healing work after their marriage ended. It's smart not to rush it. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process.
It also pays to think carefully before moving in together. Maybe your newfound independence is more important to you than you thought it would be, so living apart but remaining a couple would work better for the two of you. Or maybe you'd be incompatible sharing a space because of differing financial, housekeeping, or lifestyle factors--yet you love each other and want to continue your relationship.
It's all worth thinking about in detail and talking honestly with your partner about.
Older singles have all kinds of options. Which one sounds right for you? It's a good idea to decide before entering the dating world because future dating partners will ask you about this. Some will even eliminate you as a possibility because they envision/prefer a different kind of future relationship arrangement than you do.
If you need support as you brainstorm about it, give me a call (267-245-3023). I've had experience helping many older singles figure out their priorities--and the dating strategies that align with them.
