Recently, an attendee at a presentation I gave about success tips for online dating after 50 told a story of the many inappropriate and sexually suggestive emails she received from men first contacting her on an online dating site. She asked if I thought the reason these men offered to "give her a massage" or "bring a bottle of wine" over to her house was because she was 5 feet tall and petite.
I said that was probably part of it, since many men are attracted to small women. But, unfortunately, that's only part of the reason. In truth, some men just don't realize how they come across to women reading their emails.
They don't understand that such suggestions to someone they've never met are inappropriate. They don't realize that they're perceived by the woman not as romantic or sensual but as "creepy" and, ultimately, very unattractive.
In other words, what some men think will impress women definitely doesn't. I don't know one woman who would take a complete stranger up on such a suggestion. Not one.
Sure, after a woman has been dating a man for a few months and has grown to like him, she might be open to having him over for dinner and letting him bring the wine. And, yes, after a woman has shown she's interested in physical intimacy with a guy, she'd be OK with accepting a massage. But doing either of those things before she feels connected to and able to trust the man is highly unlikely.
A man who tells a new woman of his skills as a masseuse is saying, in effect, he can't wait to undress her. And a man who wants to bring a bottle of wine to her home before he's been invited there is perceived by the woman as someone who wants to get her drunk so she lets down her guard with him.
In either case, the "ew" factor is very big, and his chances of success are very small. But this lady at my presentation told me that dozens of men kept using such an approach. And that made her want to get off the dating site as fast as she could.
The moral of the story: men who are too sexual--even just verbally--too soon are a turnoff to most women (except those just looking for a "hookup", which is NOT most women). Singles seeking that should use the dating sites especially designed for casual daters seeking sexual partners--NOT the mainstream sites designed for people seeking long-term relationships.
My advice to any woman who receives such emails is simple: DELETE. Don't reply to these men. Delete their emails and move on. Write your own emails to the men YOU like. And leave the stalkers behind.
How about you? Have you had experiences similar to this? If so, drop me a line. I'd love to hear your story and help in any way I can.
Monday, February 19, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
BE YOUR OWN VALENTINE!
If you're single and dreading Valentine's Day, you're not alone. You just want the day celebrating couples and romantic love to be over.
I get it. I experienced many Valentine's Days without a lover in my life over the years--before marriage, while single after my divorces, and even while in a serious relationship.
In those cases, yes, my partner was physically in the picture on February 14, but he wasn't "present" with me emotionally or psychologically because of a rough patch in our relationship and/or an erosion of the romantic connection we used to have.
That's the saddest situation of all...sadder than having no partner at all because you don't feel especially romantic about the "special someone" in your life. As a result, there were times when the day for romance slipped by without much of a celebration.
Other times, my partner and I weren't on the same page about the holiday's importance. Not everyone is the "romantic fool" that I am. Not everyone sees Valentine's Day as special. It took me a while to adjust to that fact. But, once I did, I learned a valuable life lesson: how to be my own Valentine.
Even if my partner and I weren't feeling especially amorous, I learned I could celebrate love anyways. I could focus and take action on loving and cherishing myself...and create a day that made me feel loved.
I learned how to surround myself with people or pets who loved me. I did extra-special things for myself like scheduling a massage or taking the day off work and spending it in nature.
I also learned to have no expectations about Valentine's Day. If my partner didn't mention marking the occasion, I suggested going out to do something I knew I would love. Or, if my partner preferred staying home, I'd request a "Mutual Massage Night" or ask him to bring home my favorite sinful dessert.
Since my top 2 "love languages" (see my earlier blog on that topic from October 14, 2015) are Terms of Endearment and Affectionate Touch, I'd make sure my partner knew how much I appreciate a heartfelt card and time to cuddle. And then I'd have the lovely Valentine's evening I desired.
One of the most self-loving things you can do is express your desires to your partner. So Valentine's Day gave me an opportunity to practice that skill--and experience the pleasure of receiving what I asked for. Those without a partner can practice self-love by planning a fun activity with a dearly loved friend or relative.
How about you? How do you plan to celebrate love and to please yourself this Valentine's Day? Drop me a note to share your thoughts! gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
I get it. I experienced many Valentine's Days without a lover in my life over the years--before marriage, while single after my divorces, and even while in a serious relationship.
In those cases, yes, my partner was physically in the picture on February 14, but he wasn't "present" with me emotionally or psychologically because of a rough patch in our relationship and/or an erosion of the romantic connection we used to have.
That's the saddest situation of all...sadder than having no partner at all because you don't feel especially romantic about the "special someone" in your life. As a result, there were times when the day for romance slipped by without much of a celebration.
Other times, my partner and I weren't on the same page about the holiday's importance. Not everyone is the "romantic fool" that I am. Not everyone sees Valentine's Day as special. It took me a while to adjust to that fact. But, once I did, I learned a valuable life lesson: how to be my own Valentine.
Even if my partner and I weren't feeling especially amorous, I learned I could celebrate love anyways. I could focus and take action on loving and cherishing myself...and create a day that made me feel loved.
I learned how to surround myself with people or pets who loved me. I did extra-special things for myself like scheduling a massage or taking the day off work and spending it in nature.
I also learned to have no expectations about Valentine's Day. If my partner didn't mention marking the occasion, I suggested going out to do something I knew I would love. Or, if my partner preferred staying home, I'd request a "Mutual Massage Night" or ask him to bring home my favorite sinful dessert.
Since my top 2 "love languages" (see my earlier blog on that topic from October 14, 2015) are Terms of Endearment and Affectionate Touch, I'd make sure my partner knew how much I appreciate a heartfelt card and time to cuddle. And then I'd have the lovely Valentine's evening I desired.
One of the most self-loving things you can do is express your desires to your partner. So Valentine's Day gave me an opportunity to practice that skill--and experience the pleasure of receiving what I asked for. Those without a partner can practice self-love by planning a fun activity with a dearly loved friend or relative.
How about you? How do you plan to celebrate love and to please yourself this Valentine's Day? Drop me a note to share your thoughts! gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
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