DO YOU EVEN HAVE TIME FOR DATING?

Often, clients who haven't been in the dating world for ages ask me how much time the dating search will take. My simple answer is "more than you might think."

Why do I say that? Because, if you want to find a compatible person, it's smart to look in lots of places and/or to try lots of online dating websites. And then to try some more venues and more websites...and to continue that strategy week after week, month after month...until you cross paths with someone who's as interested in you as our are in him/her. 

That takes time....and patience.

It means you need to set aside some hours for 2 things: 
1) Sitting at your computer to peruse profiles and write emails and later having phone calls and meetings over coffee if you want success with online dating

2) Checking the newspaper and sites like Bucks County Alive.com (here in PA) and meetup.com for ideas of places to go to meet folks in person, such as singles groups and hobby activities...and then leaving your house at least twice a month to check these things out

If your life is super-busy because you have too many obligations, such as kids, elderly parents, a disorganized home or office, or long hours at work, it's unrealistic to think you can devote the time you'll need to search for dating prospects and then go on actual dates. And, if you do try to make the time, you'll probably be stressed out as a result.

The answer? Get all the other "ducks in a row" in your life (with a nice balance between work and family) first, before you even think about dating. Then, and only then, can you fully focus your attention on your dating life. And, believe me, if you're looking for love, that pursuit needs and deserves your FULL attention!

By full attention, I mean that you put a little effort into it every day. That could mean spending 15 minutes to search online and send an email or two...or to research some groups or events to attend over the weekend or next week. 

It could mean spending 10 minutes each day to respond to whatever emails you get on an online dating site..or having a phone call with someone you've exchanged emails with. (And then, of course, setting aside an hour within a week or so to have coffee or tea with an online prospect you clicked with on the phone).

Or it could mean spending 2 or 3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday attending a singles hike, wine tasting, dance, or other social event. Or the same amount of time checking out an art gallery, museum, movie premier, sporting event, arts festival, garden tour, or other outing related to your hobbies/passions.

You get the idea. Time needs to be carved out...and you need to commit yourself to periodically trying new things so you can cross paths with new people.

If you'd like an assessment of whether you're ready for dating yet and whether you can realistically devote the time to it, let me know. I'd be happy to help you determine your readiness...and then a dating game plan for when you ARE ready. gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Flexible Are You About Who You Date?

Are you an over-50 divorced or widowed person who's been told you're "too picky"? Are you somewhat inflexible about the parameters you set for the type of folks you'll consider dating? 

You are if you say something like this (which are statements I often hear from my older dating coaching clients):

"I've had a lot of dating experience and know what I want. I won't settle."

"I'm too old to play games. I just want people to be honest with me."

"I have to be attracted to the other person right away; otherwise, I know it won't work."

All of these sound like reasonable statements that are based on above-average knowledge of the dating world. But, in my opinion, they reflect a lack of the open-mindedness that is absolutely necessary in order to meet and date an interesting array of people.

"I won't settle" -- This statement is often indicative of a person who's not willing to reserve judgment until getting to know more about someone and, ultimately, to compromise with others to find a middle ground on whatever comes up in a relationship. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a clear "partner vision" and hold out for what you truly desire in a partner, but it helps you date more if you're open to different types of people. Often, the right person for you may not seem like a match at first but could reveal him or herself to be just that after a little time passes.

"I just want honesty." -- This is understandable, but you need to remember that people are putting their best foot forward in the beginning. They are presenting the most-positive picture of themselves in order to make a good first impression on you. And trust must grow between the two of you before he or she is comfortable being completely honest and, thus, vulnerable. Of course, I'm not saying you should tolerate people who are "playing games", lying, or not being forthcoming with you. But it helps to give others the benefit of the doubt regarding their behavior in the dating world. Many older singles are nervous, insecure, and inexperienced, especially if it's been a long time since they dated.

"I have to be immediately attracted." -- I agree that you should feel a comfort level and/or a warmth and some sort of connection with a dating prospect when you first meet. But actual sexual attraction may not develop until the second, third, or even fourth date. This happened to me with a couple of the men I dated...and later on, we had a wonderful physical relationship. The most important feeling you want to experience at first is pleasure being in that person's company...and the desire to see him or her again. I recommend giving each person you feel okay about a chance to "grow on" you. In my experience, getting to know the person better in terms of sense of humor and personality can reveal aspects that are more attractive than they seemed at first.

So, how flexible are you really? Be honest with yourself. If you determine you need to be more open-minded about the folks you meet in the dating world, let me know. I can definitely support you in that process...and ultimately help you have more success finding great people to date! (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com