Recently, I read an article that said the main reason relationships go south is that our hard wiring makes us instinctively want to offload our anxiety and stress onto others...so we wind up pointing the finger of blame at those with whom we're in close relationships because they're easy targets.
If you've ever lashed out unfairly at your spouse, significant other, or the person you're currently dating, you know all about this. The article says scapegoating like this is an ancient defense mechanism in the brain that's unconscious yet powerful. In caveman days, it was a useful survival instinct that unloaded our distracting, annoying anxiety so our fight-or-flight response would be sharper and better able to keep us alert and safe. Nowadays, though, blaming others when we're stressed out only leads to conflict.
The weird thing is: When we're stressed out and blame or criticize other people for what's out of control in our lives, we tend to believe they're somehow at fault. But, in fact, this is just our anxiety talking. Unfortunately, the other person will likely feel unjustly accused and get angry, leading to a fight or even a breakup...a breakup that could have been avoided. If the blamer understood this instinctive tendency to blame others in times of stress, he or she could have managed the anxiety somehow without taking it out on the other person...and thus preserved a great relationship.
I've caught myself playing this Blame Game with my unsuspecting, innocent-of-any-wrongdoing husband who definitely doesn't deserve to be picked on. I'm hoping this awareness of my cavewoman instinct to offload my stress on him will help me stop attacking him in the future. How about you? Think this info will come in handy in your relationships? Drop me a line to share your thoughts! :-)
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