Monday, March 21, 2011

DATING IS EASY WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THE OPPOSITE SEX

The more you know about the opposite sex, the easier it will be to date. Seems obvious, right? Yet, many singles only know what they've learned from past relationships...and, unfortunately, a lot of that is based on negative experiences that leave a bad taste in their mouths. "Relationship Communication 101" wasn't part of their school curriculum.

You've heard it a million times: A key difference between men and women is communication style. And so it's not surprising that communication issues are one of the top reasons for breakups. Misunderstandings lead to defensiveness and anger. And yet how many of us take the time to examine the obstacles in the way of good communication, learn to communicate better, and then put what we learned into practice in dating and relating?

The bottom line: if we just took the time to understand each other's thought processes and motivations better, we could avoid the misunderstandings that drive a wedge between us and cause detachment and stalemate. How can we "talk things out" when we don't know how to talk to each other so we're heard and understood?

My husband and I are total opposites in the way we communicate: I'm the extreme extrovert who's comfortable opening up about every detail of my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. He's the extreme introvert who's very UNCOMFORTABLE verbalizing in general (much less about his thoughts and feelings), so discussing our relationship is torturous and difficult for him. The shorter such discussions are, the better, from his point of view. This, of course, is frustrating for me, because I feel pressured to express everything I want to say in 20 minutes or less, and that's hard for me (since I tend to be verbose).

What would make things easier? Well, relationship coaching for us and self-esteem-related therapy for me have given us the answer: I need to be quiet, listen, and give him the time to express himself and also refrain from correcting his choice of words or judging him in any way. He, in turn, needs to somehow (through the written word or physical touch) express his affection and show me that he's there for me so I'll feel secure. In short, we each have to understand and accept the other's emotional and psychological needs and modify our behaviors to reflect that.

Recently, we've done this and come to a new, healthier place in our relationship. I feel closer; he feels safer. And we're both happier.

What about you? Does this ring true for you in your relationships? I'd love to hear your comments.

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