Wednesday, May 13, 2015

If You Have a High EQ, Relationships Will Be Easier

In 1995--20 years ago already--Daniel Goldman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ was published. It's a fascinating look at how being aware of and able to manage our emotions (while also being sensitive to others' emotions) can help us in life and relationships (both professional and personal).

I've been re-reading the book recently and find that it makes a lot of points that are helpful for people in the dating world:
 - People with a high EQ are more satisfied, better with people & more optimistic
 - Those with a high EQ are cool, confident & see themselves as worthy
 - High-EQ people are self-reliant & dependable as well as happier & healthier than others

Imagine how much easier a relationship with a partner who has qualities like these would be!

Research also shows that someone with a high EQ is better able to resolve conflict because he/she:
 - is good at handling & defusing negative emotions
 - is able to control his/her anger & so remains calm & tries to reason with the other person
 - takes the time to understand what he/she is feeling & works with it
 - is less likely to freeze, go to pieces, or regress under stress/doesn't crack under pressure
 - takes full responsibility for his/her feelings & doesn't blame the other person for them
 - embraces challenges & acts fast to solve problems
 - is very empathetic & able to see things through others' eyes

Imagine too how skills like these would make it easier to discuss and overcome relationship problems more quickly and with less drama!

I know that, in my relationships over the years, dating/relating with someone who was in touch with and able to express his emotions and also validate/empathize with mine helped us communicate better, fostering the understanding and compassion that helped us reduce or even prevent arguments...making things flow much more smoothly. But, sadly, finding people with a high EQ isn't easy (which is why I feel blessed to be dating someone now who does have this very desirable quality!)

If you want to be in such a relationship, there's good news: a person CAN raise his/her EQ! Here are 3 ways to do it, according to psychologists:
1) Increase your self-awareness of both your strengths & your weaknesses. Limitations aren't viewed as shortcomings for someone with high emotional intelligence, so he/she strives to gain knowledge & insight into these and to see them as opportunities for self-growth and reaching outside his/her comfort zone to become a better person. I know that both I and the man I'm dating have done a lot of personal growth work over the years, which is a huge help for increasing self-awareness.
2) Practice acknowledging & managing your emotions. Rather than being reactive, try to be proactive about monitoring what you feel and keeping negative emotions in check. You can do this by listening to and recognizing others' feelings, even when you disagree with them. Step back to process whatever comes up in an appropriate way. This doesn't mean denying you have anger, fear, shame or other negative feelings; it just means learning how and when to express them in a nonvolatile, nonjudgmental manner.
3) Demonstrate an authentic & genuine interest in other people. Make it a point to learn about what's important to the other person, so you can understand and care about what he/she cares about. True caring, of course, facilitates authentic feelings of friendship, trust, and respect that make it easier to talk things through...and which can, in time, lead to romance and long-term commitment.

Curious about your own EQ? Take this short quiz:
  • Can you clearly express your feelings with the 3-word sentence "I feel..."?
  • Can you differentiate various feelings?
  • Can you identify why you feel the way you do?
  • Do you respect and accept yourself the way you are?
  • Do others know you have a good sense of yourself?
  • Are you living up to your potential?
  • Do you feel satisfied with your accomplishments?
  • Are you able to let go of regrets and grudges?
  • Do you feel in control and consistent in the way you act?
  • Are you emotionally independent from others?
Emotionally smart people will answer "yes" to 8 to 10 of these questions. How did you do?

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