Research shows that it's not a lack of love that makes relationships unhappy--it's a lack of friendship. The two people don't have the strong foundation of friendship necessary to create a happy partnership that lasts.
Haven't you experienced a breakup with at least one person you still loved? Yet, could you say you still had a friendship with that person? To answer that, let's look at the definition of friendship.
Webster's says it is being in a state in which you show "kindly interest, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort" toward another person. A friend is someone to whom you are "attached by affection and esteem"--an amicable, peaceful connection free of antagonism. Does that describe how you felt about the last person you broke up with? If not, you weren't "still friends" -- or perhaps you never really were friends at all.
The cliches about friends being "birds of a feather" who are there for each other "through thick and thin" captures some of the meaning of friendship: a friend is someone with whom you feel a kinship and comfort level, someone you care about enough to support during challenging times.
In my opinion, a true friend is someone who is sincerely interested in your happiness and success and supportive of your dreams--someone who sees, admires, and brings out the best in you but also sees and acknowledges your weaknesses...but then sticks with you in spite of or even because of those things.
Often in a marriage or committed partnership, however, friendly feelings are overshadowed or even lost in the midst of the souring romance because both people are focusing instead on their incompatibilities and the needs and desires that aren't being met.
The truth is: if you really felt friendship for the other person, you'd be concerned about his/her needs and desires too. You'd want to show him/her the kindness, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort mentioned above because you felt affectionate and amicable toward him/her. Couples who do have such friendly feelings can navigate breakups and divorce with much more ease and lots less drama--agreeing to disagree and then mutually deciding to part ways peacefully, without anger.
Singles who come to me for dating advice and support (especially the women) often tell me they're looking to be "friends first" with any new partner. This is generally a wise strategy, since a foundation of trust, admiration, affection, and friendship is good to have before you get physically and romantically entwined. However, it's difficult to remain platonic for very long with someone you're attracted to...and many can't wait the 2-3 months it takes to build that foundation before they jump into bed.
I can personally vouch for the wisdom of waiting, though. It's so much more fulfilling to "make love" with a man who's connected to me as both a friend and a lover than it is to "have sex" with someone I'm not very connected to and who doesn't love and cherish me. Plus...the friendship we established in those early months only gets stronger as we become more intimate both emotionally and physically.
Friendship is the bond that will keep you connected for years and decades to come, even when you aren't as sexually agile as before. They say it's best to marry a person you can really talk to because that's the glue that will hold you together into old age. I agree. After all, there's never a lack of conversation when you're with a real friend, right?
If you need moral support as you seek out and/or develop a romantic relationship anchored by friendship, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!
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