What's Your "Love Language"?

Have you heard of Gary Chapman's 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate? It's based on research showing that discovering which of 5 behaviors make your partner feel most loved and doing that for him/her is the key to relationship success. Sounds simple.

Unfortunately, many of us fail to ask those we're dating (or our spouses or partners) about their "love language" and then assume, often incorrectly, that theirs is the same as ours. So, instead of doing what makes them feel loved, we're doing what makes US feel loved. This, of course, has mixed results unless their love language is identical to ours.

For example, your partner might feel most loved when you give gifts and say endearing things, but you don't know those are the things he values. Instead, you give him what you'd like to get from him--acts of service and affectionate touch. As a result, there's a disconnect and lack of closeness (maybe even feelings of abandonment or resentment), and neither of you can explain why.

This book really opened my eyes as to why some of my past dating relationships hadn't worked out...AND helped me more carefully choose compatible people to date, including the wonderful man I'm with today. The success formula is simple--ask the other person which of these makes him/her feel most loved and then provide that on a regular basis:

1. Quality time together
2. Affectionate touch
3. Terms of endearment
4. Acts of service
5. Gifts

Luckily, my current partner's top 2 love languages are exactly the same as mine. We both highly value carving out special time for each other as well as showing affection through touching on a regular basis. And we each show these behaviors to the other, so we both feel equally loved.

It's amazing how easily things flow for us because of our shared loved languages...and how much closer I feel to him than I've felt with other men I've had long-term relationships with, including my 2 husbands. Knowing that he prioritizes and appreciates togetherness and affectionate touch as much as I do makes me feel understood, seen, and heard, which naturally fosters emotional and physical intimacy. It feels like he really "gets" me.

So...what are your top 2 love languages? Take a minute to write those down.

Next, consider how this list could help you in the dating world. Once you know which behaviors make you feel most cared about, you can share that information with people you date and then watch to see if they do those things for you. If so, they truly care about you. And, of course, once you find out what makes the other person feel loved, you can make a point of providing those things to show you really care too.

Ultimately, as you continue to date and grow closer, by making a point of loving your partner in the "language" he or she prefers (and then getting what you want and need in return), you'll create a deep bond that sustains and nurtures your relationship for years to come. Enjoy the journey!

P.S. There's an updated version of Chapman's book that came out this year: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Check it out on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk#reader_080241270X.)