Friday, October 7, 2016

How Open Is YOUR Heart?

"Are you really ready for dating? Is your heart available to open to someone new?"

These are the questions I ask clients when they come to me for dating coaching. Often, shortly after a breakup, divorce, or loss of a spouse, they'll seek my help with getting back into dating. But at least half of them can't answer "yes" to these important questions.

They may feel ready to start meeting people, which could be true. They're curious about "what's out there" and  might be able to put "a toe in the water" of the dating world to see who's available. But many of them are NOT really ready to seriously date someone. There are many reasons for this:

1) They think they're healed from the past but don't realize they're still emotionally attached to their last partner (including a deceased wife/husband).
2) They're too busy with their job, kids, friends, house projects, volunteer work, and other commitments to carve out time to search for, much less build a new relationship.
3) They haven't taken the time to grieve the loss of their last partner, which is necessary in order to open their heart to someone new.
4) They're lonely and bored, looking for a relationship to fill a hole in their lives, but don't have much to offer a partner because their self-esteem is low.
5) Past breakups have robbed them of the self-confidence they need in order to present themselves in the dating world as "a good catch".
6) They have leftover anger, resentment, or fear from previous relationships, which they need to release in order to start dating with a healthy, happy heart.
7) They're not that interested in or willing to put forth the effort and commitment necessary to build a strong partnership because their natural tendency is to be a loner.

I've seen all these situations and more in my past dating life and in stories that clients and friends tell me. And none of these situations lead to success in dating.

Instead, what DOES work is to do the necessary preparation to be truly ready to date with an open heart. This means doing the opposite of the 7 things above:
1) Heal your past so you are emotionally available.
2) Reorganize your life priorities to free up time for the dating search, for actual dating, and for relationship building.
3) Come to terms with and find peace regarding the loss of a long-time relationship by seeing a grief counselor.
4) Fill your life with fun and interesting activities to get back in touch with your desires and to rebuild your self-esteem.
5) Focus on the present and future instead of the past so you can reconnect with yourself and then move forward with confidence.
6) See a therapist to resolve anger or fear issues so you're in a happier, healthier place psychologically and emotionally.
7) Get honest with yourself about whether you truly want to build a partnership or whether you're a free spirit who'd be happier on your own.

I can offer you resources and moral support to do all 7 of these things. Please reach out to me if you want to get ready for and eventually succeed at healthy dating. I'd love to help!


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