Recently, a 64-year-old female client called me for advice about a man she'd met who was caring, considerate, affectionate, family-oriented, expressive, and possessing many of the other qualities that were important to her in a partner. The problem? At age 65, he had no retirement savings, lived in a small apartment (which he was evasive about inviting her to see), and admitted he was still suffering with the depression that had plagued him for years.
Though this lady was very attracted to him and had much in common with him, she was hesitating to get involved because she'd been hoping to meet someone more equal to her in terms of lifestyle, financial security, stability, and having a sense of direction in life. And this guy wasn't that someone.
She grappled for weeks with the fact that she felt like she was falling in love with the man because he was treating her so nice, saying sweet things, and wanting to spend lots of times with her. She was loving every minute of it because she was lonely and anxious to meet a man to love.
My advice was for her to slow down, think things through, listen to her intuition, and look at her "Partner Vision" list to see how many of the qualities she desired were embodied in this man.
The result was:
1) Her intuition told her she wasn't comfortable with his living and financial situation because she feared he might become dependent on her.
2) He only had about half the qualities she desired in a life partner, along with a couple of "red flags" she couldn't overlook, such as his depression (which nearly resulted in suicide) and an abusive father in his past.
3) When she thought it through carefully, she realized she was giving him too much benefit of the doubt in terms of his shortcomings.
4) She ultimately decided to end the relationship with him at the 3-month point, even though it broke her heart to do so because she was already emotionally and physically connected to him.
The ultimate lesson for this client was that, when seeking dating partners in later life, our inner wisdom plays a very big role. We really DO know what we want and what's most compatible with us. So, even if someone sweeps us off our feet in terms of sweetness and sex, we will ultimately decide to be practical and smart.
Over the years, life has taught those of us older than 50 what can go wrong when we make rash, impulsive decisions. We're older and wiser now and not as willing to "settle" for people or things that don't mesh with the life we've spent so much time and energy building.
This client realized that she was letting her heart talk louder than her head. And I was able to help her remove her rose-colored glasses and be more rational about the situation so she could make a clear-headed decision going forward.
It's hard for me--a die-hard romantic--to do that because I know how wonderful it feels when you meet someone special who feels like "the one" and tells you everything you've always wanted to hear. But I also know how much pain can result when you get too deeply involved with someone who's totally wrong for you--and how hard it is to go your separate ways when there's been an emotional and physical attachment.
If you need a "sounding board" or seasoned adviser as you navigate the sometimes-tricky world of dating and relationships, drop me an email or call. I'd love to support you in following BOTH your heart and your head so you can find what you really want and deserve!
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023
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