This is the #1 question I get as a dating coach. "Why do people email, call, and and even have a couple of meetings and then disappear for days or weeks at a time?"
A recent article I read calls this "cookie jarring" (https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/what-cookie-jarring-have-you-been-victim-dating-trend-ncna1018471) and says that, though it's common for folks in the online dating world to "play the field" and date a few people at once while trying to decide which one feels like the best fit, there's an unfortunate new trend in which someone will string others along as "backups" while they're focusing their real efforts on someone else.
Similar to the way we might reach for a cookie when want a pick-me-up, the "cookie-jarrer" reaches out to his/her backup person when he/she starts to feel unsure about where the other relationship is headed, when the person he/she is pursuing isn't available, or after he/she has been rejected. In short, the cookier-jarrer is an insecure person who needs a "security blanket" and a contingency plan with someone else just in case the current dating relationship doesn't work out.
The clients who come to me (the aforementioned "backups") are understandably confused and not very happy about the way they're being treated (ie, the pursuer isn't keeping in good touch, suggesting a date, or sounding at all enthused about learning more about them).
Sadly, these folks aren't immediately aware they're being kept on the "back burner". The pursuer dangles just enough "crumbs" to lead them to believe he/she is actually interested in moving to the next stage after a few emails, phone calls, or even get-togethers. But then nothing happens. The pursuer stops emailing/calling, doesn't arrange an actual date, and then disappears.
Here are the signs you're being "cookie-jarred":
1) The pursuer never wants to make a definite plan with you for a specific day or time but instead suggests coming over to your house on the spur of the moment
2) The pursuer doesn't make an effort to keep in touch with you and expects you to do all the contacting
3) There are big gaps in time between texts or emails
4) The pursuer avoids or gets defensive about conversations re: defining the relationship
5) The pursuer doesn't seem to be free on weekends
6) You sense that the pursuer is overly needy or insecure
If any of these things have happened to you, my best advice is for you to disappear too. Stop emailing or texting or calling to find out what happened. Just move on.
Don't waste your precious time chasing after someone who's evasive, inconsiderate, or even rude about following up with you. Accept the fact that he/she just isn't interested (or, in truth, isn't mature and empathetic enough to think of the way his/her actions are impacting you).
By moving on, you free up the time and energy you need to find someone else who IS interested!
If you need direction or support in how to do that, give me a call (267-245-3023) or email me (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com). I'd love to help!
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