If you're over 50, how realistic do you think you are about the people you'll meet in the dating world? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may not be realistic at all:
1) My date needs to be as good-looking or better looking than my last partner.
2) My date should be willing to make me the first priority in his/her life.
3) My date should be ready to go to bed with me by the third date.
Sounds crazy, right? But I can assure you I've worked with clients who had one or all of these expectations when they came to me for coaching, and my job was to help them do "a reality check".
LOOKS-In the first situation, some people set the bar way too high when it comes to looks and/or put far too much emphasis on appearance. Which makes very little sense for older daters who aren't the smooth-skinned "spring chickens" they once were.
Men and women are both guilty of this. How realistic is it, as one 50-something widower told me, to expect the women he dates now to have "a bikini body, just like my wife did"? (Note: his wife died in her 40s and never had any children.) And how realistic is it for a 60-something woman to expect a man her age to "have no beer belly" and to be as fit and health-minded as she is?
What I suggest: I try to help both these types of people get real about the small minority of single people over 50 who fit those descriptions and encourage them to be more open-minded about appearance. I work with them on focusing instead on dating people with shared values, common interests, and similar lifestyles. You definitely can't tell a book by its cover.
PRIORITIES-In the second situation, I've had male clients bemoan the fact that women over 50 seem to be so busy with family, friends, jobs, volunteering, grandkids, hobbies, and traveling that they don't have time for a man in their life. The truth is that those women are often filling up their lives with people and activities so they won't be bored and lonely waiting for a man to appear. And, in general, men don't have as many friends to spend time with, and so they want their partners to be more available and to make them more of a priority. This is especially problematic if a man is already retired and his date isn't.
What I suggest: I encourage my overly busy female clients to carve out enough free time for both the dating search and actual dating...and tell them to keep in mind that a man wants to feel important in a woman's life. I encourage the men to create their own fun life, find ways to make more guy friends to do things with, and, when dating, to offer to get involved with the activities their lady loves.
SEX-I'd like to know who came up with this "3-date rule" thing. It can really mess up a potentially good relationship.
What I suggest: It's wiser for both men and women to have no expectations, agenda, or timeline when it comes to intimacy. Let things flow naturally as caring and affection grow. A man putting pressure on a woman to have sex before she's ready (ie, feels an emotional connection to him) is not only counterproductive, but it borders on being coercive. Likewise, a woman who gives in and has sex just to ensure the man won't leave is fooling herself. He may get what he wants and leave anyway because he has not yet developed feelings for her.
How about you? How realistic are your expectations in these 3 areas and other aspects of dating? If you might need a reality check to improve your chances of meeting a good match, let me know. I'd be happy to help!
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment