How Flexible Are You About Who You Date?

Are you an over-50 divorced or widowed person who's been told you're "too picky"? Are you somewhat inflexible about the parameters you set for the type of folks you'll consider dating? 

You are if you say something like this (which are statements I often hear from my older dating coaching clients):

"I've had a lot of dating experience and know what I want. I won't settle."

"I'm too old to play games. I just want people to be honest with me."

"I have to be attracted to the other person right away; otherwise, I know it won't work."

All of these sound like reasonable statements that are based on above-average knowledge of the dating world. But, in my opinion, they reflect a lack of the open-mindedness that is absolutely necessary in order to meet and date an interesting array of people.

"I won't settle" -- This statement is often indicative of a person who's not willing to reserve judgment until getting to know more about someone and, ultimately, to compromise with others to find a middle ground on whatever comes up in a relationship. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a clear "partner vision" and hold out for what you truly desire in a partner, but it helps you date more if you're open to different types of people. Often, the right person for you may not seem like a match at first but could reveal him or herself to be just that after a little time passes.

"I just want honesty." -- This is understandable, but you need to remember that people are putting their best foot forward in the beginning. They are presenting the most-positive picture of themselves in order to make a good first impression on you. And trust must grow between the two of you before he or she is comfortable being completely honest and, thus, vulnerable. Of course, I'm not saying you should tolerate people who are "playing games", lying, or not being forthcoming with you. But it helps to give others the benefit of the doubt regarding their behavior in the dating world. Many older singles are nervous, insecure, and inexperienced, especially if it's been a long time since they dated.

"I have to be immediately attracted." -- I agree that you should feel a comfort level and/or a warmth and some sort of connection with a dating prospect when you first meet. But actual sexual attraction may not develop until the second, third, or even fourth date. This happened to me with a couple of the men I dated...and later on, we had a wonderful physical relationship. The most important feeling you want to experience at first is pleasure being in that person's company...and the desire to see him or her again. I recommend giving each person you feel okay about a chance to "grow on" you. In my experience, getting to know the person better in terms of sense of humor and personality can reveal aspects that are more attractive than they seemed at first.

So, how flexible are you really? Be honest with yourself. If you determine you need to be more open-minded about the folks you meet in the dating world, let me know. I can definitely support you in that process...and ultimately help you have more success finding great people to date! (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com