A Good Time to Assess Your Dating History

As the pandemic drags on and dating searches are on a hiatus (at least the in-person meeting part of them), you may find yourself with time on your hands. 

Some good uses of that time, as I've written before, are to: 
- do the necessary personal growth and healing work to become healthier emotionally and psychologically and thus more able to attract a healthy partner

- do more careful searches of online dating sites and then take more time writing persuasive emails and having longer phone or video chats to get to know new people as you prepare to meet later (when it's safe to do so)

Both of these can be valuable pursuits. But another good use of your time would be to get out a pad and pen and chronicle your "dating history". This is a list and assessment of the various romantic relationships you've had over the years to understand why they did or didn't last and to remind yourself of what each breakup taught you. 

Have you ever done this? It can be very enlightening and is especially helpful as you try to avoid repeating past mistakes. It also helps you see your strengths and weaknesses as a dater, so you can make improvements in your dating search strategies and the way you relate with the new people you meet.

Here's how to begin: Make 5 columns on a piece of paper, labelled Partner Name, Duration of Relationship, Who Initiated Breakup, Reason for Breakup, What I Learned. 

Here's an example from my own dating life (my first serious relationship at age 19):
John A.--1.5 years--John--He wanted to date other people too but I didn't--I felt rejected and hurt by his request because he was my first lover, and, after assessing things, I ultimately realized I had incorrectly assumed he felt as committed to me as I felt to him. I learned that it's not smart to make assumptions: ask the person instead.

How does your list look? 
- Relationship duration: Were several of your relationships 3 months or less? If so, does this indicate anything about a fear of commitment on either person's part? Or were many of them years long but led nowhere? What does that tell you?
- Breakup initiation: Did you initiate more of the breakups? If so, why do you think that is? 
- Reasons for breakup: Were the reasons for breaking up similar? If so, was there a pattern that raises a red flag about a weakness in choosing appropriate partners? Or a certain behavior that repeatedly thwarts your chances of success?
- What you learned: Were the lessons you learned utilized in future relationships? If not, why do you think you attract people who ultimately wind up giving you the opportunity to learn the same lesson about yourself, the opposite sex, or relationships in general that you thought you'd already learned?

A relationship history can reveal important things that may really help you on your future dating world journey. Examples include:
- You have a pattern of unconsciously choosing partners similar to your controlling father and wind up leaving because you feel unheard and disrespected
- You haven't been in a serious relationship more than 6 months because fears come up the longer you're with someone
- You are so clingy in relationships that the other person feels pressured and eventually leaves

Be really honest with yourself when doing this assessment. That's the only way to uncover important truths about your past and present relationship patterns--so you can then address those things and be a better dater in the future. 

I'd love to hear what you've discovered. Drop me a line to share, if you feel comfortable. Then, if needed, let me support you in making changes and/or putting your lessons to work for you--so you have more success with dating after the dating world opens up again. 
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023