Wow! Hard to believe it's been over 3 months since I've blogged. My apologies! I admit..the main reason I haven't carved out time to blog is that I've been having too much fun dating. In February 2015, I took my own advice about online dating and met a fantastic match on the site Plenty of Fish, and it's been an amazing, fantastic ride of romance and love.
The ironic part is I used to discourage clients from using that site because it was free. "You get what you pay for" is what I used to say. But then, one day in late 2014, I decided to see for myself why POF was growing in numbers and popularity. So I signed up and posted a profile. I was soon communicating with dozens of men and, within 6 weeks, had met the active, kind, communicative, successful, sexy, romantic guy I'm now seeing several times a week.
I've never been with a man who's so right for me. And I've never felt so loved, heard, and understood. Not to mention having ALL 4 types of compatibility--emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical. That has never happened for me, and it is phenomenal! You feel closer, more connected, and more comfortable with each other than you ever dreamed possible. Things just flow.
How did I get to this place? By doing the personal growth work I needed to do so I'd BE who I wanted to attract--centered, happy, peaceful, self-loving, and self-confident--rather than needy, people pleasing, and addicted to others' acceptance as I had been for years (resulting, of course, in unhealthy relationships that ultimately failed).
Here are the books that helped me grow into the self-actualized woman I am now. I recommend doing all the exercises in each of them. Enjoy!
1. Calling in the One: 7 weeks to attract the love of your life by Katherine Woodward Thomas
2. The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the love of your life with the law of attraction by Arielle Ford
3. Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the power of pleasure to have your way with the world by Regena Thomashauer
4. Imagine a Woman in Love With Herself by Patricia Lynn Reilly
5. Marry Yourself First: Saying "I do" to a life of passion, power & purpose by Ken Donaldson
4. Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life by Debbie Ford
Happy reading...and happy dating! Let me know what you discover about your issues and dating patterns and how things improve after you read these books.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
You HAVE to meet in person to find your best match
"Too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating rather than the dating part."
So says comedian/author Aziz Ansari in his 2015 book Modern Romance--an amusing, well-researched look at 21st century dating, both online and off. I totally agree!
Most of my clients spend far more hours in front of their computers than they do going out for in-person meetings with prospects. Many waste loads of time replying to emails or "winks" from non-matches or engaging in endless back-and-forth correspondence with folks who have no interest in talking on the phone or meeting. And then they complain about how time-consuming and non-productive Internet dating is.
The problem isn't online dating. It's the way they're approaching it.
The approach I recommend is to sit at the computer only to search for and write initial emails to good matches (or reply to people who actually write you a full email rather than a wink)...and to exchange just a couple of emails before having a phone call (which you'll use to screen people to determine if you want to set up a face to face).
On this topic, one quote from Ansari's book is spot on, in my opinion. It's from biological anthropologist and Match.com adviser Helen Fisher. When talking about the "scientific algorithms" many dating sites use to match people, Fisher says:
"A face-to-face meeting is the only way to determine whether you have a future with someone. The human brain is the best algorithm. There's not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person."
Well said!! Because of this, Fisher recommends and I do too:
- Avoid reading too much into any given profile or email you receive
- Resist the temptation to start long online exchanges before a first meeting
- Set up an in-person coffee date as soon as possible after the initial email
This way, you won't burn out sitting at your computer, twiddling your thumbs waiting for replies that don't come, and getting disgusted with the whole process (as many of my clients say they are).
If someone doesn't respond within a couple days, move on to other folks on that site or try a new site. Keep at it, day after day, week after week, sending at least 5-10 persuasive, personalized emails a week, and you're bound to find some people as ready and willing as you are to take things beyond the virtual digital world so you two can meet in person and let the human brain (and your intuition) do their magic. You'll never know if there's a "spark" until you meet. Period.
Try this technique for just 2 weeks and write to tell me how it goes. I'm betting you'll be sitting at a coffee shop across from a great guy or girl sooner than you ever thought possible! GO FOR IT!!
P.S. If you need some moral support to get started, email or call me (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 215-489-0225). I'll be rooting for you!!
So says comedian/author Aziz Ansari in his 2015 book Modern Romance--an amusing, well-researched look at 21st century dating, both online and off. I totally agree!
Most of my clients spend far more hours in front of their computers than they do going out for in-person meetings with prospects. Many waste loads of time replying to emails or "winks" from non-matches or engaging in endless back-and-forth correspondence with folks who have no interest in talking on the phone or meeting. And then they complain about how time-consuming and non-productive Internet dating is.
The problem isn't online dating. It's the way they're approaching it.
The approach I recommend is to sit at the computer only to search for and write initial emails to good matches (or reply to people who actually write you a full email rather than a wink)...and to exchange just a couple of emails before having a phone call (which you'll use to screen people to determine if you want to set up a face to face).
On this topic, one quote from Ansari's book is spot on, in my opinion. It's from biological anthropologist and Match.com adviser Helen Fisher. When talking about the "scientific algorithms" many dating sites use to match people, Fisher says:
"A face-to-face meeting is the only way to determine whether you have a future with someone. The human brain is the best algorithm. There's not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person."
Well said!! Because of this, Fisher recommends and I do too:
- Avoid reading too much into any given profile or email you receive
- Resist the temptation to start long online exchanges before a first meeting
- Set up an in-person coffee date as soon as possible after the initial email
This way, you won't burn out sitting at your computer, twiddling your thumbs waiting for replies that don't come, and getting disgusted with the whole process (as many of my clients say they are).
If someone doesn't respond within a couple days, move on to other folks on that site or try a new site. Keep at it, day after day, week after week, sending at least 5-10 persuasive, personalized emails a week, and you're bound to find some people as ready and willing as you are to take things beyond the virtual digital world so you two can meet in person and let the human brain (and your intuition) do their magic. You'll never know if there's a "spark" until you meet. Period.
Try this technique for just 2 weeks and write to tell me how it goes. I'm betting you'll be sitting at a coffee shop across from a great guy or girl sooner than you ever thought possible! GO FOR IT!!
P.S. If you need some moral support to get started, email or call me (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 215-489-0225). I'll be rooting for you!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
BE LOVING TO FIND LOVE
At this holiday time of year, many faiths and cultures focus on peace, joy, and love--three of the most precious gifts we all seek in our lives--and all wonderful attributes to aspire to cultivate all year round.
For those of us who are single, it is especially important to strive for inner peace and to bring more joy into our lives as we endeavor to grow in self-love...because loving yourself fully is a prerequisite for finding a partner who loves you too.
As the "Law of Attraction" says, WE NEED TO BE WHO WE WANT TO ATTRACT.
And there's nothing more attractive than a person who's coming from a place of love every day.
A perfect holiday goal is to do your best to spread love everywhere you go--to be as generous, kind, and compassionate as you can in your dealings with all the people you encounter. Not just family and friends but also neighbors, coworkers, folks at the gym or grocery store, strangers you pass on the street...even those sometimes-exasperating drivers on the road.
When you give love, you feel more loving. You emanate kindness vibes. And others can feel those vibrations and will gravitate to you as a result. You're a joy to be around.
So...if you're looking for love for the new year, start now to be more loving. Smile more. Seek out ways to help others. Volunteer. Be more patient and supportive with people at work and home. Look for opportunities to motivate and inspire those who are discouraged or despondent.
It's true that the gift of yourself always comes back to you tenfold. You'll be uplifted, joyous, and inspired to give even more. And the circle of love will expand.
So much so that it could very well draw in that wonderful partner you've been wishing for!
May your holidays be filled with peace, joy, and LOVE!!
For those of us who are single, it is especially important to strive for inner peace and to bring more joy into our lives as we endeavor to grow in self-love...because loving yourself fully is a prerequisite for finding a partner who loves you too.
As the "Law of Attraction" says, WE NEED TO BE WHO WE WANT TO ATTRACT.
And there's nothing more attractive than a person who's coming from a place of love every day.
A perfect holiday goal is to do your best to spread love everywhere you go--to be as generous, kind, and compassionate as you can in your dealings with all the people you encounter. Not just family and friends but also neighbors, coworkers, folks at the gym or grocery store, strangers you pass on the street...even those sometimes-exasperating drivers on the road.
When you give love, you feel more loving. You emanate kindness vibes. And others can feel those vibrations and will gravitate to you as a result. You're a joy to be around.
So...if you're looking for love for the new year, start now to be more loving. Smile more. Seek out ways to help others. Volunteer. Be more patient and supportive with people at work and home. Look for opportunities to motivate and inspire those who are discouraged or despondent.
It's true that the gift of yourself always comes back to you tenfold. You'll be uplifted, joyous, and inspired to give even more. And the circle of love will expand.
So much so that it could very well draw in that wonderful partner you've been wishing for!
May your holidays be filled with peace, joy, and LOVE!!
Friday, November 20, 2015
Creating Happy Holidays as a Single
Clients tell me, and I remember from the days when I was divorced or between relationships, that it's hard to be alone at the holidays. For some reason, it seems like the world is full of couples having fun, celebrating together, and you're by yourself.
If you're divorced with kids, it's especially difficult because the kids have to split their time between two homes, and it's sad when they go to the other parent and leave you on your own to figure out how to fill the rest of your day. I remember many Christmas afternoons after my kids went to their Dad's house when I had nobody to share Christmas dinner with.
Yes, it's easy to get down in the dumps as a single at the holidays. But, ironically, it's that very attitude/mind-set that needs to change if you're to create happier holidays for yourself.
Your goal should be to look at the holidays as a time of giving as well as sharing joy, peace, and love with all the special people in your life (not just a date or partner). That includes your kids, parents/siblings, best friends, neighbors, and others you care about--everyone whose company you enjoy and who you have meaningful connections with. And, of course, don't forget about giving to yourself whatever you love most about the holidays!
If you're not invited somewhere for the holiday meal, invite people to your house. If no one mentions checking out those special holiday activities, plan an outing yourself. Do what brings you joy, whether it's going out to a new movie (tons of which open in December!), checking out a holiday light display, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or just curling up with your pet to watch a holiday cartoon from your youth or a classic film like "It's a Wonderful Life."
Happiness is a choice. It's not based on what happens but in how you react to what happens. Rather than succumbing to sadness, you can choose to look at the holidays as an opportunity for fun and joyfulness--to create some great new traditions with friends, to go to a holiday activity you never tried before,or to host a holiday gathering unlike any other. I especially enjoyed inviting to my house other singles who had no place to go. It was comforting just to be together with others in the "same boat".
However you're feeling about the upcoming holidays, know this: you can change your mind and shift your thinking from negative to positive at any time. You have the power. All you need now is the intention and commitment.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Count your blessings...and already the holidays will seem brighter!
If you're divorced with kids, it's especially difficult because the kids have to split their time between two homes, and it's sad when they go to the other parent and leave you on your own to figure out how to fill the rest of your day. I remember many Christmas afternoons after my kids went to their Dad's house when I had nobody to share Christmas dinner with.
Yes, it's easy to get down in the dumps as a single at the holidays. But, ironically, it's that very attitude/mind-set that needs to change if you're to create happier holidays for yourself.
Your goal should be to look at the holidays as a time of giving as well as sharing joy, peace, and love with all the special people in your life (not just a date or partner). That includes your kids, parents/siblings, best friends, neighbors, and others you care about--everyone whose company you enjoy and who you have meaningful connections with. And, of course, don't forget about giving to yourself whatever you love most about the holidays!
If you're not invited somewhere for the holiday meal, invite people to your house. If no one mentions checking out those special holiday activities, plan an outing yourself. Do what brings you joy, whether it's going out to a new movie (tons of which open in December!), checking out a holiday light display, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or just curling up with your pet to watch a holiday cartoon from your youth or a classic film like "It's a Wonderful Life."
Happiness is a choice. It's not based on what happens but in how you react to what happens. Rather than succumbing to sadness, you can choose to look at the holidays as an opportunity for fun and joyfulness--to create some great new traditions with friends, to go to a holiday activity you never tried before,or to host a holiday gathering unlike any other. I especially enjoyed inviting to my house other singles who had no place to go. It was comforting just to be together with others in the "same boat".
However you're feeling about the upcoming holidays, know this: you can change your mind and shift your thinking from negative to positive at any time. You have the power. All you need now is the intention and commitment.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Count your blessings...and already the holidays will seem brighter!
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
What's Your "Love Language"?
Have you heard of Gary Chapman's 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate? It's based on research showing that discovering which of 5 behaviors make your partner feel most loved and doing that for him/her is the key to relationship success. Sounds simple.
Unfortunately, many of us fail to ask those we're dating (or our spouses or partners) about their "love language" and then assume, often incorrectly, that theirs is the same as ours. So, instead of doing what makes them feel loved, we're doing what makes US feel loved. This, of course, has mixed results unless their love language is identical to ours.
For example, your partner might feel most loved when you give gifts and say endearing things, but you don't know those are the things he values. Instead, you give him what you'd like to get from him--acts of service and affectionate touch. As a result, there's a disconnect and lack of closeness (maybe even feelings of abandonment or resentment), and neither of you can explain why.
This book really opened my eyes as to why some of my past dating relationships hadn't worked out...AND helped me more carefully choose compatible people to date, including the wonderful man I'm with today. The success formula is simple--ask the other person which of these makes him/her feel most loved and then provide that on a regular basis:
1. Quality time together
2. Affectionate touch
3. Terms of endearment
4. Acts of service
5. Gifts
Luckily, my current partner's top 2 love languages are exactly the same as mine. We both highly value carving out special time for each other as well as showing affection through touching on a regular basis. And we each show these behaviors to the other, so we both feel equally loved.
It's amazing how easily things flow for us because of our shared loved languages...and how much closer I feel to him than I've felt with other men I've had long-term relationships with, including my 2 husbands. Knowing that he prioritizes and appreciates togetherness and affectionate touch as much as I do makes me feel understood, seen, and heard, which naturally fosters emotional and physical intimacy. It feels like he really "gets" me.
So...what are your top 2 love languages? Take a minute to write those down.
Next, consider how this list could help you in the dating world. Once you know which behaviors make you feel most cared about, you can share that information with people you date and then watch to see if they do those things for you. If so, they truly care about you. And, of course, once you find out what makes the other person feel loved, you can make a point of providing those things to show you really care too.
Ultimately, as you continue to date and grow closer, by making a point of loving your partner in the "language" he or she prefers (and then getting what you want and need in return), you'll create a deep bond that sustains and nurtures your relationship for years to come. Enjoy the journey!
P.S. There's an updated version of Chapman's book that came out this year: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Check it out on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk#reader_080241270X.)
Unfortunately, many of us fail to ask those we're dating (or our spouses or partners) about their "love language" and then assume, often incorrectly, that theirs is the same as ours. So, instead of doing what makes them feel loved, we're doing what makes US feel loved. This, of course, has mixed results unless their love language is identical to ours.
For example, your partner might feel most loved when you give gifts and say endearing things, but you don't know those are the things he values. Instead, you give him what you'd like to get from him--acts of service and affectionate touch. As a result, there's a disconnect and lack of closeness (maybe even feelings of abandonment or resentment), and neither of you can explain why.
This book really opened my eyes as to why some of my past dating relationships hadn't worked out...AND helped me more carefully choose compatible people to date, including the wonderful man I'm with today. The success formula is simple--ask the other person which of these makes him/her feel most loved and then provide that on a regular basis:
1. Quality time together
2. Affectionate touch
3. Terms of endearment
4. Acts of service
5. Gifts
Luckily, my current partner's top 2 love languages are exactly the same as mine. We both highly value carving out special time for each other as well as showing affection through touching on a regular basis. And we each show these behaviors to the other, so we both feel equally loved.
It's amazing how easily things flow for us because of our shared loved languages...and how much closer I feel to him than I've felt with other men I've had long-term relationships with, including my 2 husbands. Knowing that he prioritizes and appreciates togetherness and affectionate touch as much as I do makes me feel understood, seen, and heard, which naturally fosters emotional and physical intimacy. It feels like he really "gets" me.
So...what are your top 2 love languages? Take a minute to write those down.
Next, consider how this list could help you in the dating world. Once you know which behaviors make you feel most cared about, you can share that information with people you date and then watch to see if they do those things for you. If so, they truly care about you. And, of course, once you find out what makes the other person feel loved, you can make a point of providing those things to show you really care too.
Ultimately, as you continue to date and grow closer, by making a point of loving your partner in the "language" he or she prefers (and then getting what you want and need in return), you'll create a deep bond that sustains and nurtures your relationship for years to come. Enjoy the journey!
P.S. There's an updated version of Chapman's book that came out this year: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Check it out on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk#reader_080241270X.)
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
A Lasting Loving Relationship Has to Include Friendship
When you think back on your romantic relationships, can you honestly say the two of you were friends as well as lovers? Would you have chosen that person as a friend even if you weren't attracted to him/her as a sexual partner...just because you so enjoyed his/her company and got along so well that it was a joy hanging out together?
Research shows that it's not a lack of love that makes relationships unhappy--it's a lack of friendship. The two people don't have the strong foundation of friendship necessary to create a happy partnership that lasts.
Haven't you experienced a breakup with at least one person you still loved? Yet, could you say you still had a friendship with that person? To answer that, let's look at the definition of friendship.
Webster's says it is being in a state in which you show "kindly interest, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort" toward another person. A friend is someone to whom you are "attached by affection and esteem"--an amicable, peaceful connection free of antagonism. Does that describe how you felt about the last person you broke up with? If not, you weren't "still friends" -- or perhaps you never really were friends at all.
The cliches about friends being "birds of a feather" who are there for each other "through thick and thin" captures some of the meaning of friendship: a friend is someone with whom you feel a kinship and comfort level, someone you care about enough to support during challenging times.
In my opinion, a true friend is someone who is sincerely interested in your happiness and success and supportive of your dreams--someone who sees, admires, and brings out the best in you but also sees and acknowledges your weaknesses...but then sticks with you in spite of or even because of those things.
Often in a marriage or committed partnership, however, friendly feelings are overshadowed or even lost in the midst of the souring romance because both people are focusing instead on their incompatibilities and the needs and desires that aren't being met.
The truth is: if you really felt friendship for the other person, you'd be concerned about his/her needs and desires too. You'd want to show him/her the kindness, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort mentioned above because you felt affectionate and amicable toward him/her. Couples who do have such friendly feelings can navigate breakups and divorce with much more ease and lots less drama--agreeing to disagree and then mutually deciding to part ways peacefully, without anger.
Singles who come to me for dating advice and support (especially the women) often tell me they're looking to be "friends first" with any new partner. This is generally a wise strategy, since a foundation of trust, admiration, affection, and friendship is good to have before you get physically and romantically entwined. However, it's difficult to remain platonic for very long with someone you're attracted to...and many can't wait the 2-3 months it takes to build that foundation before they jump into bed.
I can personally vouch for the wisdom of waiting, though. It's so much more fulfilling to "make love" with a man who's connected to me as both a friend and a lover than it is to "have sex" with someone I'm not very connected to and who doesn't love and cherish me. Plus...the friendship we established in those early months only gets stronger as we become more intimate both emotionally and physically.
Friendship is the bond that will keep you connected for years and decades to come, even when you aren't as sexually agile as before. They say it's best to marry a person you can really talk to because that's the glue that will hold you together into old age. I agree. After all, there's never a lack of conversation when you're with a real friend, right?
If you need moral support as you seek out and/or develop a romantic relationship anchored by friendship, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!
Research shows that it's not a lack of love that makes relationships unhappy--it's a lack of friendship. The two people don't have the strong foundation of friendship necessary to create a happy partnership that lasts.
Haven't you experienced a breakup with at least one person you still loved? Yet, could you say you still had a friendship with that person? To answer that, let's look at the definition of friendship.
Webster's says it is being in a state in which you show "kindly interest, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort" toward another person. A friend is someone to whom you are "attached by affection and esteem"--an amicable, peaceful connection free of antagonism. Does that describe how you felt about the last person you broke up with? If not, you weren't "still friends" -- or perhaps you never really were friends at all.
The cliches about friends being "birds of a feather" who are there for each other "through thick and thin" captures some of the meaning of friendship: a friend is someone with whom you feel a kinship and comfort level, someone you care about enough to support during challenging times.
In my opinion, a true friend is someone who is sincerely interested in your happiness and success and supportive of your dreams--someone who sees, admires, and brings out the best in you but also sees and acknowledges your weaknesses...but then sticks with you in spite of or even because of those things.
Often in a marriage or committed partnership, however, friendly feelings are overshadowed or even lost in the midst of the souring romance because both people are focusing instead on their incompatibilities and the needs and desires that aren't being met.
The truth is: if you really felt friendship for the other person, you'd be concerned about his/her needs and desires too. You'd want to show him/her the kindness, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort mentioned above because you felt affectionate and amicable toward him/her. Couples who do have such friendly feelings can navigate breakups and divorce with much more ease and lots less drama--agreeing to disagree and then mutually deciding to part ways peacefully, without anger.
Singles who come to me for dating advice and support (especially the women) often tell me they're looking to be "friends first" with any new partner. This is generally a wise strategy, since a foundation of trust, admiration, affection, and friendship is good to have before you get physically and romantically entwined. However, it's difficult to remain platonic for very long with someone you're attracted to...and many can't wait the 2-3 months it takes to build that foundation before they jump into bed.
I can personally vouch for the wisdom of waiting, though. It's so much more fulfilling to "make love" with a man who's connected to me as both a friend and a lover than it is to "have sex" with someone I'm not very connected to and who doesn't love and cherish me. Plus...the friendship we established in those early months only gets stronger as we become more intimate both emotionally and physically.
Friendship is the bond that will keep you connected for years and decades to come, even when you aren't as sexually agile as before. They say it's best to marry a person you can really talk to because that's the glue that will hold you together into old age. I agree. After all, there's never a lack of conversation when you're with a real friend, right?
If you need moral support as you seek out and/or develop a romantic relationship anchored by friendship, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Is There Room in Your Life for a Partner?
Ladies, is your life too busy for dating? Consider this...
I read an article the other day by a 55-year-old widower saying the big difference between dating now and when he was in his 20s was that there's now more competition than ever. Not from other men...but from all the other people and activities in the lives of the divorced and widowed women he was meeting.
I've often heard this from my male clients as well: women over 50 have so much going on with work, kids, grandkids, friends, committees, classes, hobbies, aging parents, etc. that a man wonders how he'll fit into the mix. How important will he be in her life? Will she be able to carve out quality time for him as they're dating, building a relationship...and possibly being together long term?
This is a legitimate concern. A man wants your family and friends to accept him so that he can be included in the outings and activities you share with them. If you don't invite him to be part of the many aspects of your life, a man won't get his need for companionship met or be able to envision a long-term partnership with you. And he won't feel he can be of service and enhance your life in some way, which are core male needs in a relationship.
So, when you're writing an online dating profile or chatting for the first time with a new man you met, it's best not to ramble on about how busy you are with a million and one things. Sure, men are attracted to active, interesting women. But they also want to know you have time for them.
The second thing you need to do is make it clear you value private, one-on-one time with a partner. Again, your online dating profile and first conversation with a guy out in the singles world should emphasize the fact you make alone time with a partner a priority. This means you're willing to put "date nights" with him on your calendar...and to make sure your schedule is flexible enough to accommodate a spontaneous casual get-together, time with his friends and family, or even a weekend getaway.
Lastly, you need to show a man you're able to be "present" with him and you care about him, your relationship, and what's important to him. I've heard several men I know lament the fact that the women in their past relationships were disengaged, overly independent, or preoccupied with things outside their relationship. As a result, the men felt disconnected and less emotionally invested in the partnership.
If you want a prospective date to warm up to you at first and feel deeply connected to you later, you need to be in the moment with him. You need to listen and show you care. You need to make time to see each other often--to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. And you need to tell him what you like/admire about him and how he can help you with day-to-day things, so he feels like your "knight in shining armor."
If doing all this means you have to simplify your life and even clear some things off your schedule to make time to search for and then date the right man for you, do it! Is there anything more important than having a loving partner to share your life?
I didn't think so. :-)
I read an article the other day by a 55-year-old widower saying the big difference between dating now and when he was in his 20s was that there's now more competition than ever. Not from other men...but from all the other people and activities in the lives of the divorced and widowed women he was meeting.
I've often heard this from my male clients as well: women over 50 have so much going on with work, kids, grandkids, friends, committees, classes, hobbies, aging parents, etc. that a man wonders how he'll fit into the mix. How important will he be in her life? Will she be able to carve out quality time for him as they're dating, building a relationship...and possibly being together long term?
This is a legitimate concern. A man wants your family and friends to accept him so that he can be included in the outings and activities you share with them. If you don't invite him to be part of the many aspects of your life, a man won't get his need for companionship met or be able to envision a long-term partnership with you. And he won't feel he can be of service and enhance your life in some way, which are core male needs in a relationship.
So, when you're writing an online dating profile or chatting for the first time with a new man you met, it's best not to ramble on about how busy you are with a million and one things. Sure, men are attracted to active, interesting women. But they also want to know you have time for them.
The second thing you need to do is make it clear you value private, one-on-one time with a partner. Again, your online dating profile and first conversation with a guy out in the singles world should emphasize the fact you make alone time with a partner a priority. This means you're willing to put "date nights" with him on your calendar...and to make sure your schedule is flexible enough to accommodate a spontaneous casual get-together, time with his friends and family, or even a weekend getaway.
Lastly, you need to show a man you're able to be "present" with him and you care about him, your relationship, and what's important to him. I've heard several men I know lament the fact that the women in their past relationships were disengaged, overly independent, or preoccupied with things outside their relationship. As a result, the men felt disconnected and less emotionally invested in the partnership.
If you want a prospective date to warm up to you at first and feel deeply connected to you later, you need to be in the moment with him. You need to listen and show you care. You need to make time to see each other often--to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. And you need to tell him what you like/admire about him and how he can help you with day-to-day things, so he feels like your "knight in shining armor."
If doing all this means you have to simplify your life and even clear some things off your schedule to make time to search for and then date the right man for you, do it! Is there anything more important than having a loving partner to share your life?
I didn't think so. :-)
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