LIFE-TRANSFORMING THINGS I LEARNED FROM MEN-Part 11

This is the last in a series of posts I started on this topic on April 15. To see them all in order, click on "April" in the right column. Enjoy! (And I'd love to hear your feedback...thanks!)

AS A DAUGHTER…
My dad (from heaven): I’ll finish with the most heart-felt and life-changing lesson of all...the one I learned from my Dad after he’d already passed away. I was Dad’s first-born child and the “apple of his eye” according to my Mom. As she tells it, he would come home from work every day excited to see me and loved to play with me when I was a baby. Soon, though, within the next 6 years, four more babies were born, and Dad had other obligations and distractions. And, because he worked the 4 pm to midnight shift, I didn’t get to see him much. He was busy with one of five things every weekday and weekend: working, sleeping, taking Mom to the grocery, doing yard work or home improvements, or pursuing hobbies with his buddies. We only went on one family vacation I can remember.

During my grammar school and high school years, Dad was supportive enough and interested in seeing my report cards, but I don’t remember him praising me about my accomplishments or telling me that he loved me. Then, when it was time for me to apply to college, he was ambivalent. He had never attended college himself, and he didn’t have the money for higher education for all five kids, so he thought it best if just the two boys went to college. “The girls are just gonna get married anyways,” he said. There was no need to send my two sisters and me.

I was very upset when Mom told me this. I pleaded with her to help Dad see that I had worked hard to qualify for college and had career aspirations that made college necessary. Finally, to her credit, she convinced him to let me go...but only if I could get a scholarship. I did get a scholarship, earned a B.A., and got a good job. But none of this ever seemed to be all that impressive to Dad (probably because, growing up, there was no emphasis on college in his family). I know he was at my high school graduation, but I don’t remember him sounding particularly proud. And he died 3 months before my college graduation. So I have no idea how he would have reacted to that...or my completion of graduate school 2 years after that and starting my own business at age 30.

So, imagine my surprise when, many years later during a meeting with a clairvoyant and medium whose book I was editing, I was told that my dad (dead for over 20 years at that point) was standing near me waiting to give me a “message.” It seems he knew this female medium could relay communications from him to me, and he wanted to pass something along. I’ll never forget what she said: “Your father wants you to know how proud he is that you’re going to write that book.” At that time, the book I eventually wrote was just an aspiration in the back of my head, a dream on the back burner. “And he says he’s sorry he wasn’t really there for you when you were going through school. He loves you and is very proud of you.”

Wow…I was in shock! These positive validations from a father who’d been only minimally involved in my life for 21 years before he died and who had never really affirmed his pride in me before…this was amazing! Plus, he “knew” I was planning to write a book...absolutely remarkable! These words of pride and encouragement were EXACTLY what I had been longing to hear from my father all my life. I immediately broke down into tears of happiness about this gift of an unexpected miracle. For the entire 30-minute car ride home, I couldn’t stop sobbing. I felt my father’s caring and affection on a very deep level, and I felt more fully alive, loved, and cherished than I had in all my 42 years.

This expression of love from the first and most important man in my life came at a low point in my post-divorce dating life and my self-esteem, when I was working very hard to connect with men in a way I never had with my Dad. I desperately wanted a deep connection with a man that helped me value and love myself just the way I was.

So, Dad’s timing was perfect...and the lesson he taught me was this: You are loved even if the other person doesn’t say it in words and even if it takes many years to be felt. Even more wonderful: love has no boundaries. It can come to you from “the other side,” and it can come when you least expect it but need it most.

From that moment on, the “father wound” that had, for years, sabotaged my relationships with men, was healed. After that day, I felt worthy of love and truly lovable. And that has profoundly changed—-for the better—-every relationship I’ve had with men to this day.

I am deeply grateful to all 12 of these men for the transformational lessons they brought me. And I invite you to think about the many teachers and mentors in your life and what their insights have meant to you.