Friday, March 13, 2015

Be Your True Self to Attract Your Best Match

When I was in my early 40s, newly divorced and dating, I made a lot of mistakes. I tried to "earn love" by doing things for the man all the time, disrespected myself by having sex too soon, and didn't speak up about my needs and desires. But the biggest mistake of all was becoming a "chameleon"--trying to be what I thought the man wanted rather than who I really was.

In other words, I was inauthentic and not true to myself. Not surprising then that I lost my identity in a few relationships and/or experienced little emotional intimacy in others. Those men had fallen in love with a facsimile of me, not the real me. I was afraid to show them that self, with all my flaws, quirks, and idiosyncrasies. I didn't think they'd like me if they knew those things about me.

Now--nearly 20 years later--I know better.

Finally, I've grown enough in self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance to present myself warts and all. In the 9 months I've been dating since ending my last relationship, I've gotten a lot more comfortable showing men my many facets--positive and negative, admirable and embarrassing, mainstream and offbeat...sometimes even what others might call "strange."

For example, I've noticed that, often on the first meeting with an online dating prospect, I talk about my many "metaphysical" experiences, before I even know if the guy is open to the possibility of such things. I launch into stories from my life about my encounters with ghosts, energy healers, mediums, psychics, and past life regressionists. I have such a passion for and excitement about the emotional and psychological healing such encounters have brought me...I just can't stop talking about them. Plus, I'm fascinated by the idea of other realms and levels of consciousness beyond what we experience on earth (ie, the spiritual plane).

If the man is intrigued by my stories and seems to want to know more, I feel an instant connection with him--like a kindred spirit. And, of course, if he doesn't run in the other direction and actually asks to see me again, I figure he's willing to accept me the way I am. There could even be a chance for us to develop a relationship.

When I tell those stories, I'm me being authentically me. And it feels good to do that, without editing myself or biting my tongue for fear the other person will judge me as weird. It's also an entree into talking about spirituality, grieving losses, and other deeper topics that help us learn lots more about each other in the getting-to-know-you stage of dating.

Though I haven't consciously decided to tell my stories as a way of feeling someone out early on, I've recently realized this IS sort of a screening tool that I may be unconsciously guided to use. A man who's open to talking about Reiki, communicating with loved ones on "the other side," and how past lives affect this lifetime is "more spiritual than religious" (as the dating sites say) and more my type. Even though I was raised Catholic and then left that church, I'm fine dating a churchgoing man with good values who is also open to learning about other faiths and spiritual traditions/practices--because that's how I am.

How about you? Are you able to be authentically yourself when you first meet a dating prospect? Or do you carefully avoid topics--like religion, politics, or your own quirks--that might reveal things about you that you fear others will judge and/or reject you for? I say let them reject you. They weren't your type anyways. By being completely true to yourself and showing up as the real you, you'll ultimately attract someone who IS your type!

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