How Flexible Are You in the Dating World?

A January 2020 article in the Atlantic Magazine entitled "What It's Like to Date After Middle Age" was filled with fascinating info. But the one statement that jumped out at me was "Finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult as you age. Over the years, people say they become more picky, less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long." 

In my coaching practice, I certainly hear clients say that they think they've become more picky and less willing to compromise on what they want in a partner. And, yes, I can relate to that as a 66-year-old who definitely had very specific parameters when I was in the dating world. I always say it's good to have a clear "partner vision".

But the idea that someone might "harden" into a self that's less willing or able to be flexible enough to "bend themselves to fit with someone else" is sad to hear. 

It implies that older people are less able to find a middle ground, to compromise, and to accept other people as they are. Sure, we all might get a little "set in our ways" as we grow older and more comfortable in our own skin. But I think all the years of living can also help us to improve our ability to adapt and adjust to what life brings us...including dating partners. 

An unwillingness to bend certainly wasn't my experience when I started dating the man I've been with for 5 years (he was 60, I was 61 when we met). In my experience, I've found that, when I'm getting to know someone and begin having feelings for him, I naturally take his wants and needs into account as well as my own. 

My guy certainly did that for me too...and continues to. He has adjusted to and accepted many things about me that are very different from him, and generally it doesn't seem to have been that tough for him to do. Why? Because love motivates us to open our hearts and minds to the person we care about--and to do whatever we can to facilitate his or her happiness. 

What a gift it is to have the love of someone willing to "bend" in my direction for the sake of our relationship! His love and kindness motivate me to try to be more flexible in thinking of his needs and desires too--which helps tremendously as we compromise in the ways necessary to fit together and operate as a team, a partnership.

How about you? Are you finding yourself so hardened that you're not sure you could find someone you'll fit with? Do you need help being more open to different types of people? I'd love to support you in that effort. Get in touch!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)