I've been helping women clients write profiles for a long time, and I usually keep them simple--a paragraph describing the woman's personality, values and unique qualities followed by a paragraph describing the kind of man she's most compatible with. Short and sweet...because most men tell me they don't want to read a lot online; they're more interested in a woman's photo, age and geographic proximity.
Men, on the other hand, never seek my help with profile writing...even though I make it known to them that I offer that service to save them time and trouble. Most usually go ahead and write a few sentences about themselves and hope for the best. Because these writeups are often brief, many women clients tell me they wish the guys had written more. I did too when I was dating online.
Now, however, it's come to my attention that a lot of men are taking the time to write more-detailed profiles, and some are getting pretty creative with it too. One 41-year-old Philadelphia man I met recently told me his profile is a descriptive analogy about him as if he were a book. It was clever and funny and, I'm sure, would grab a woman's attention and set him apart as more imaginative than the other guys online. Another man on Match.com wrote an amusing essay about the difference between a girl and a "grown woman" and said he preferred the latter. Again, a creative approach bound to distinguish him as an insightful, deep-thinker kind of guy with a good sense of humor.
My question is: are these guys' offbeat profiles more likely than a straightforward profile to impress the women reading them? Will they tell the ladies enough about the guy to entice them to drop him an e-mail? Or will they seem too "over the top" and not "real" enough to get a woman to take an interest and get in touch? I'm guessing that it depends on the woman reading it. But I'd LOVE to hear from both men and women online daters about this.
I'm also wondering if you've noticed that more men write these creative types of profiles than women do. Drop me a line with your observations and insights. Thanks!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
GUYS: ARE WOMEN INTIMIDATING?
I can't tell you how many single, divorced, and widowed women tell me that men often find them intimidating. They say that, in their experience, many men over 40 aren't comfortable with a woman who's been independent (on her own) for a while. They sometimes feel insecure and wonder if she's "out of their league".
And here's what some guys tell me:
1)They're put off by a woman who's travelled the world or had a high-powered career because they don't think she'd look up to him or be impressed by him.
2)They're not sure how to deal with a woman who has a full, happy life because they wonder where they'd fit into her life or how they could ever feel needed by or important to her.
These are legitimate concerns, and they make sense. But do they really ring true? My guess is that, rather than intimidating, it's more the case that men find women confusing and complicated. And, if a woman has a different kind of life experience, education, or success story than they do, they're not sure how to approach her, talk to her, and impress her.
What do you think, guys? Am I totally off-base? Even close? Sort of in the ballpark? I'd love to hear your take on this...to educate myself and to help make it easier for my single women clients to understand and accept you. This sure would make dating and relating a lot easier for both men and women, wouldn't it?
Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Have you ever felt intimidated when getting to know a new woman? If so, why? And what do women need to know about you that would make things flow better in this regard?
Thanks in advance for your input!
And here's what some guys tell me:
1)They're put off by a woman who's travelled the world or had a high-powered career because they don't think she'd look up to him or be impressed by him.
2)They're not sure how to deal with a woman who has a full, happy life because they wonder where they'd fit into her life or how they could ever feel needed by or important to her.
These are legitimate concerns, and they make sense. But do they really ring true? My guess is that, rather than intimidating, it's more the case that men find women confusing and complicated. And, if a woman has a different kind of life experience, education, or success story than they do, they're not sure how to approach her, talk to her, and impress her.
What do you think, guys? Am I totally off-base? Even close? Sort of in the ballpark? I'd love to hear your take on this...to educate myself and to help make it easier for my single women clients to understand and accept you. This sure would make dating and relating a lot easier for both men and women, wouldn't it?
Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Have you ever felt intimidated when getting to know a new woman? If so, why? And what do women need to know about you that would make things flow better in this regard?
Thanks in advance for your input!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Single Women: Do you LIKE men?
This may sound like a funny question, but it crosses my mind often when I talk to single/divorced women at my seminars or as clients. After listening to a litany of complaints and criticisms of men (the ones they divorced and the ones they've dated since then), I start to wonder: Do they like men at all? Don't they know any fabulous, big-hearted guys?
Granted, when people come to me for one-on-one dating help or advice at a seminar, they're usually in a fairly negative place. They've tried a lot of things that haven't worked...had a lot of disappointments in the dating world...and are losing faith and/or giving up. They're about to throw up their hands and scream "I've looked everywhere, and I can't find any decent men!" So it's no surprise I tend to hear more negative than positive commentaries on a day-to-day basis.
Just once, I'd love to hear a female client say to me "I really like men. In fact, I have a bunch of great male friends, and I'm friendly with my ex-husband now. I just need new ideas for crossing paths with guys who are my type for dating." Wow! It'd be a breeze getting a woman like that more dates! She's got the type of attitude that makes her a man magnet! :-)
Unfortunately, most of the women who seek my help have not-so-flattering opinions of men and carry an array of toxic emotions related to past experiences with guys, including mistrust, anger, disillusionment, disgust, and fear. (Of course, men sometimes carry similar emotions, but that's another blog.) They're often very judgmental, unforgiving, and uncompassionate. Because they don't understand men enough to know why they do the things they do, the tend to make incorrect snap judgments about them and to write them off as uncouth, uncultured, or inappropriate. Pretty soon, they're letting their experiences with the "bad apples" color their thinking and feelings about ALL single/divorced men. And that's sad.
Sad because they could be passing up some genuinely nice guys. I could tell the story of the generous, devoted, supportive man I met online and married until I'm blue in the face. But they tend to think I was "lucky" and their chances of finding the same are nonexistent. I disagree...because it was after I changed my attitude about men that nicer guys came into my life.
An attitude shift (along with my guidance as to where they're more likely to find nice guys) can totally change these women's search results. The better they understand the deep-felt emotions that are under the surface for most men, the more open-hearted and accepting they'll be when meeting new men. And there's nothing more attractive to a man than an understanding, accepting woman. Try it and see! And let me know how it goes or what you think. I'd love to hear from you!
Granted, when people come to me for one-on-one dating help or advice at a seminar, they're usually in a fairly negative place. They've tried a lot of things that haven't worked...had a lot of disappointments in the dating world...and are losing faith and/or giving up. They're about to throw up their hands and scream "I've looked everywhere, and I can't find any decent men!" So it's no surprise I tend to hear more negative than positive commentaries on a day-to-day basis.
Just once, I'd love to hear a female client say to me "I really like men. In fact, I have a bunch of great male friends, and I'm friendly with my ex-husband now. I just need new ideas for crossing paths with guys who are my type for dating." Wow! It'd be a breeze getting a woman like that more dates! She's got the type of attitude that makes her a man magnet! :-)
Unfortunately, most of the women who seek my help have not-so-flattering opinions of men and carry an array of toxic emotions related to past experiences with guys, including mistrust, anger, disillusionment, disgust, and fear. (Of course, men sometimes carry similar emotions, but that's another blog.) They're often very judgmental, unforgiving, and uncompassionate. Because they don't understand men enough to know why they do the things they do, the tend to make incorrect snap judgments about them and to write them off as uncouth, uncultured, or inappropriate. Pretty soon, they're letting their experiences with the "bad apples" color their thinking and feelings about ALL single/divorced men. And that's sad.
Sad because they could be passing up some genuinely nice guys. I could tell the story of the generous, devoted, supportive man I met online and married until I'm blue in the face. But they tend to think I was "lucky" and their chances of finding the same are nonexistent. I disagree...because it was after I changed my attitude about men that nicer guys came into my life.
An attitude shift (along with my guidance as to where they're more likely to find nice guys) can totally change these women's search results. The better they understand the deep-felt emotions that are under the surface for most men, the more open-hearted and accepting they'll be when meeting new men. And there's nothing more attractive to a man than an understanding, accepting woman. Try it and see! And let me know how it goes or what you think. I'd love to hear from you!
Friday, April 23, 2010
WHAT KIND OF VIBES DO YOU GIVE OFF?
You know how sometimes you'll meet someone who just makes you feel uncomfortable? You can't explain it, but there's something that rubs you the wrong way...or that makes you think there's something strange going on under the surface. You just can't put your finger on it. That's what I would call "negative vibes."
Often unknown to the person, he or she is eminating a certain kind of vibration that others can pick up when they talk to them or are near them. Some of it is communicated through their body language, tone of voice, and attitude. But some of it is also the energetic frequency at which that person is "vibrating." Every person and creature has an energetic vibration, and when we're in a peaceful, happy place, we give off the highest, most-attractive vibes. In fact, research shows that love, gratitude, peace, joy, compassion, laughter, kindness, and truth are some of the highest vibrations...while hate, shame, anger, fear, judgment, mistrust, jealousy, and lying are the lowest.
So...what kind of vibes do you think people are picking up from you? Are you often in a negative or fearful place? Do you complain about the opposite sex a lot? Do you tend to focus on what's going wrong in the world or in your life? Or do you try to look at the bright side and focus on the good things that are happening? When you do the latter, you're much nicer to be around and much more fun to get to know.
This is why it's smart to catch yourself if you're stuck in a negative place and try to shift your energy to be more positive, upbeat, and optimistic...ESPECIALLY if you're out meeting new people in the dating world. Isn't it great when you meet somebody who seems to be happy, at peace, laughing and having fun, with a positive outlook on life? Sure! And wouldn't more people want to be with YOU if those were the vibes you were giving off more of the time? Absolutely!
Unfortunately, many of the single, divorced, and widowed people who come to me for dating coaching voice a lot of complaints about the opposite-gender people they're meeting online or at singles events. They spend 80% of their time focusing on what they see as the subpar quality of the folks they're encountering, and then they wonder why they keep attracting more of the same.
The reason is that their thoughts are creating their reality. The more they think and believe that "there are no good men out there," the more low-quality men they find. What they believe they receive.
How about you? Do you believe there are some wonderful, big-hearted, high-quality prospects out there in the singles world...and it's just a matter of time until you meet somebody who'd be just right for you? Or have you concluded that--if they even exist--it's really hard to find such people, and you think the chances of your meeting them are small to nil? If you're stuck in this spiral of negative thinking, know that you CAN change it...but only if you make up your mind to and have a strong daily intention. If you need help with that, drop me a line. I'd love to help.
Often unknown to the person, he or she is eminating a certain kind of vibration that others can pick up when they talk to them or are near them. Some of it is communicated through their body language, tone of voice, and attitude. But some of it is also the energetic frequency at which that person is "vibrating." Every person and creature has an energetic vibration, and when we're in a peaceful, happy place, we give off the highest, most-attractive vibes. In fact, research shows that love, gratitude, peace, joy, compassion, laughter, kindness, and truth are some of the highest vibrations...while hate, shame, anger, fear, judgment, mistrust, jealousy, and lying are the lowest.
So...what kind of vibes do you think people are picking up from you? Are you often in a negative or fearful place? Do you complain about the opposite sex a lot? Do you tend to focus on what's going wrong in the world or in your life? Or do you try to look at the bright side and focus on the good things that are happening? When you do the latter, you're much nicer to be around and much more fun to get to know.
This is why it's smart to catch yourself if you're stuck in a negative place and try to shift your energy to be more positive, upbeat, and optimistic...ESPECIALLY if you're out meeting new people in the dating world. Isn't it great when you meet somebody who seems to be happy, at peace, laughing and having fun, with a positive outlook on life? Sure! And wouldn't more people want to be with YOU if those were the vibes you were giving off more of the time? Absolutely!
Unfortunately, many of the single, divorced, and widowed people who come to me for dating coaching voice a lot of complaints about the opposite-gender people they're meeting online or at singles events. They spend 80% of their time focusing on what they see as the subpar quality of the folks they're encountering, and then they wonder why they keep attracting more of the same.
The reason is that their thoughts are creating their reality. The more they think and believe that "there are no good men out there," the more low-quality men they find. What they believe they receive.
How about you? Do you believe there are some wonderful, big-hearted, high-quality prospects out there in the singles world...and it's just a matter of time until you meet somebody who'd be just right for you? Or have you concluded that--if they even exist--it's really hard to find such people, and you think the chances of your meeting them are small to nil? If you're stuck in this spiral of negative thinking, know that you CAN change it...but only if you make up your mind to and have a strong daily intention. If you need help with that, drop me a line. I'd love to help.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
How well do YOU understand the opposite sex?
The better you understand the psyches and behaviors of the opposite sex, the easier it will be to get dates and the smoother your dating relationships will go. For instance, women will be able to write an online dating profile username and headline that appeals more to men and instantly grabs their attention (such as "I'm cute and I love to cook"), so they'll get more hits and more dates. Similarly, both sexes will have less trouble flirting and more success breaking the ice with others at singles gatherings when they have a clue about what's going on in the other person's mind. For example, if a guy understands that a woman is often more flattered when he notices her smile rather than her figure, he'll keep his eyes more on her face and give a nice compliment about that when starting a conversation...and will get a MUCH warmer reaction.
I know this from experience in both my single and married lives. The more I learn about how men think and why they do the things they do, the easier it is to accept my husband and to be kind in the face of behaviors that used to upset me. For example, a client of mine recently said she'd told her husband she wished he'd give her compliments more often. And he told her he doesn't feel he should have to SAY those things...she should know how he feels about her by the things he DOES for her. I know my husband is the same way. It isn't often I hear "you look nice in that" but he'll go out and fill up my car tires without my asking. He's always doing little things to make our house nicer or my daily schedule easier, and I now know (5 years into my 2nd marriage)that this is how he tells me he loves me. It's just the way guys are.
Men say FAR more with actions than they do with words. In fact, research shows that women say about 5 times more words in a day than men do, so it's obvious men aren't as comfortable verbalizing things, especially their own thoughts and feelings. As a result, it pays for us women to figure out what their actions mean. And, of course, it pays for men to pick the brains of their sisters, mothers, and female friends to find out more about how women think.
Armed with this knowledge, the "battle of the sexes" could be a lot less combative and a lot more compassionate.
What do you think? Are you trying to understand the opposite sex better? If so, is it making your relationships easier? I'd love to hear your story. Or feel free to pick my brain about what makes the opposite sex tick. I have plenty of insight and resources to share to make things easier.
I know this from experience in both my single and married lives. The more I learn about how men think and why they do the things they do, the easier it is to accept my husband and to be kind in the face of behaviors that used to upset me. For example, a client of mine recently said she'd told her husband she wished he'd give her compliments more often. And he told her he doesn't feel he should have to SAY those things...she should know how he feels about her by the things he DOES for her. I know my husband is the same way. It isn't often I hear "you look nice in that" but he'll go out and fill up my car tires without my asking. He's always doing little things to make our house nicer or my daily schedule easier, and I now know (5 years into my 2nd marriage)that this is how he tells me he loves me. It's just the way guys are.
Men say FAR more with actions than they do with words. In fact, research shows that women say about 5 times more words in a day than men do, so it's obvious men aren't as comfortable verbalizing things, especially their own thoughts and feelings. As a result, it pays for us women to figure out what their actions mean. And, of course, it pays for men to pick the brains of their sisters, mothers, and female friends to find out more about how women think.
Armed with this knowledge, the "battle of the sexes" could be a lot less combative and a lot more compassionate.
What do you think? Are you trying to understand the opposite sex better? If so, is it making your relationships easier? I'd love to hear your story. Or feel free to pick my brain about what makes the opposite sex tick. I have plenty of insight and resources to share to make things easier.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
What Do YOU Think of Free Online Dating Sites?
When I was dating online a few years ago, there were only 1 or 2 free sites available. Nowadays, there are plenty more, with new ones popping up quite often. You've probably heard of Plenty of Fish (POF)--one of the fastest-growing free sites. And you may know about OKCupid.com and Supertova.com (for Jewish people). Many of my clients have tried POF, with mixed results. Most of the women who come to me for coaching have a story to tell about POF, and many are not good.
What I'm hearing is that the quality of the men on the site isn't that great and the incidence of scamming is increasing. And I tend to wonder whether that's because "you get what you pay for." If something is free, anyone and everyone will try it out, so--by the law of averages--the site is bound to attract more than its share of less-desirable people too.
So what do you think? Is there any difference between the type of people likely to join a free site vs. the ones who are willing to pay an average of $30/month to join a site? I'd love to hear back from you if you've tried 1 or more free sites and 2 or more paid sites, so you have a good basis of comparison. What have you noticed about the selection of prospects, the rate of replies you get back, and the number of actual meetings you set up when you compare free and paid sites side by side?
And then there's the issue of married people frequenting dating sites. Do you think the free sites are more likely to have more married people on them than the paid sites because there's no chance that a spouse will just happen to see a credit card statement with a fee for an online dating site on it and catch them in the act? Again, I'd love to hear your opinion.
To be fair, I should say that I hear complaints about lesser-quality and married people as well as scammers in reference to more than just a few online dating sites out there today, not just the free ones. Unfortunately, these problems are widespread and hard to police and control.
Drop me a note. Tell me your story. Let me know what your experience has been. In general, I don't recommend free sites to my clients because most of them are seeking long-term relationships, not just casual dating. And I tend to believe that a person who pays a monthly fee to become a member of a site is more serious about finding someone for an actual phone call, date, and relationship (rather than just some e-mail flirting, texting, and/or IM'ing) than someone who pays nothing.
In my opinion, it's more tempting, convenient, and effortless for people--married or unmarried--to dabble casually in checking out photos and contacting members of the opposite sex online if they don't have to pay. And, as a result, a large percentage of these folks have no intention of going any further...or of putting forth the effort to pick up the phone or to set up and show up for a meeting.
I'm anxious to hear your thoughts...and those of your single friends. Post a comment if you're so inclined. Thanks!
What I'm hearing is that the quality of the men on the site isn't that great and the incidence of scamming is increasing. And I tend to wonder whether that's because "you get what you pay for." If something is free, anyone and everyone will try it out, so--by the law of averages--the site is bound to attract more than its share of less-desirable people too.
So what do you think? Is there any difference between the type of people likely to join a free site vs. the ones who are willing to pay an average of $30/month to join a site? I'd love to hear back from you if you've tried 1 or more free sites and 2 or more paid sites, so you have a good basis of comparison. What have you noticed about the selection of prospects, the rate of replies you get back, and the number of actual meetings you set up when you compare free and paid sites side by side?
And then there's the issue of married people frequenting dating sites. Do you think the free sites are more likely to have more married people on them than the paid sites because there's no chance that a spouse will just happen to see a credit card statement with a fee for an online dating site on it and catch them in the act? Again, I'd love to hear your opinion.
To be fair, I should say that I hear complaints about lesser-quality and married people as well as scammers in reference to more than just a few online dating sites out there today, not just the free ones. Unfortunately, these problems are widespread and hard to police and control.
Drop me a note. Tell me your story. Let me know what your experience has been. In general, I don't recommend free sites to my clients because most of them are seeking long-term relationships, not just casual dating. And I tend to believe that a person who pays a monthly fee to become a member of a site is more serious about finding someone for an actual phone call, date, and relationship (rather than just some e-mail flirting, texting, and/or IM'ing) than someone who pays nothing.
In my opinion, it's more tempting, convenient, and effortless for people--married or unmarried--to dabble casually in checking out photos and contacting members of the opposite sex online if they don't have to pay. And, as a result, a large percentage of these folks have no intention of going any further...or of putting forth the effort to pick up the phone or to set up and show up for a meeting.
I'm anxious to hear your thoughts...and those of your single friends. Post a comment if you're so inclined. Thanks!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
NEED NEW DATING IDEAS?
In the middle of my morning swim last week, I had a brainstorm: why am I only focusing on single people with the dating tips I offer? Long-term committed couples and even those who are married need to continue dating too...that is, if they want their relationships to be long and happy. So today I want to talk to both single AND married men and women because I'm sure everyone can relate to this.
When people are first dating, they usually do a lot of fun things together. Both people come up with creative ideas for enjoying each other’s company, sharing adventures, and learning new things about each other. But it’s rare that singles continue that more than 6 months or so. And it's even rarer for those in a long-term relationship (LTR) or a marriage to do it much at all because there are often baby-sitters to hire, other priorities, or 101 reasons they lack the energy or motivation to make time for themselves as a couple (except maybe on anniversaries or Valentine’s Day).
It's easy for today's couples to let weeks go by without spending any quality time together. The good news: it’s never too late to reignite the anticipation and excitement couples had when they first met. In fact, I believe you can keep the romance and connection alive and make your relationship feel as fresh as it did when you were first dating. And the best way to do that is (at the risk of stating the obvious): CONTINUE “DATING”!
You’ve probably heard a million times that you don’t have to stop dating just because you’re committed. The happiest couples in the longest marriages say that’s their secret—they continue to carve out time for just the two of them on a regular basis. And, as a result, they’re still discovering new things about each other, which keeps their relationship vital and exciting. Many of us make this promise to ourselves over and over…and then forget about it. Well, NOW is the time to stop promising and start delivering! And I’ve got a fun suggestion for how to begin. Do what my husband Jim and I do: START GOING ON “MYSTERY DATES”!
A few years ago, a married friend told me she and her husband were doing this once a month. They’d take turns planning a surprise date for their spouse—something they knew he or she would love. It was an evening or weekend afternoon (or even a weekend getaway) JUST for him or her. The giver didn’t necessarily have to like the date idea—it was all about the other person. So I planned a Mystery Date for Jim in January. Because he loves pinball, I found a “Pinball Parlor” with dozens of old pinball machines in a nearby suburb, asked him to be ready to go at 6:45 on a Friday night and to dress casually, and drove him to the location.
About a mile before our destination, he figured out where we were going. But it didn’t matter—one of the coolest things about this is trying to guess (or laughing about the guesses the other person makes!) I can’t tell you how much fun it was for me planning the date, anticipating his reaction, and enjoying how pleased he was when we pulled up in front of the place! And it turns out he’d never been there but had always wanted to try it. So I felt doubly pleased.
Plus—as a bonus I didn’t expect—even though I’ve never been a big fan of pinball, I discovered that night how much I like it. So Jim and I now have a new hobby we can share! I highly recommend trying the Mystery Date idea in your relationship. It injects a lot of extra fun for very little effort. And it could pay off in creating an interesting new pastime you could enjoy together from now on.
Side note: If your partner is more of a homebody (like mine is) and doesn’t like to go out much, he and you could plan surprise dates at home. Some ideas we’ve tried:
- A picnic on the living room floor
- “Mutual Massage Night”
- Sitting out on the patio with a fire in the chimnea, a glass of wine, and our favorite music playing
It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It just has to be something you each plan as a surprise for the other during a time you’ve set aside exclusively for the two of you. It helps to ask for the date at least a week in advance so you can both enjoy anticipating and looking forward to your special time together. I know, for me, that’s at least half the fun of Mystery Dates!
Another side note: Prior to this, Jim never felt comfortable planning dates, not even when we were first dating. He’s more of a spontaneous person not used to putting things on his calendar days or weeks in advance. But now, after doing this for a couple months, he tells me he has lots of ideas for the next date he’ll take me on (which is music to my ears after five years of urging him to suggest some outings). I think the commitment we made to do this for each other in a particular time frame—with each person planning something just 6 times a year—has made it easier for him AND injected an element of intrigue that he likes.
Whatever the reason, I’m having a GREAT time choosing (and being treated to) Mystery Dates, and I think you will too!
P.S. If you have trouble getting the process started, let me know. I’m happy to brainstorm with and cheer-lead you as you get back into dating!
When people are first dating, they usually do a lot of fun things together. Both people come up with creative ideas for enjoying each other’s company, sharing adventures, and learning new things about each other. But it’s rare that singles continue that more than 6 months or so. And it's even rarer for those in a long-term relationship (LTR) or a marriage to do it much at all because there are often baby-sitters to hire, other priorities, or 101 reasons they lack the energy or motivation to make time for themselves as a couple (except maybe on anniversaries or Valentine’s Day).
It's easy for today's couples to let weeks go by without spending any quality time together. The good news: it’s never too late to reignite the anticipation and excitement couples had when they first met. In fact, I believe you can keep the romance and connection alive and make your relationship feel as fresh as it did when you were first dating. And the best way to do that is (at the risk of stating the obvious): CONTINUE “DATING”!
You’ve probably heard a million times that you don’t have to stop dating just because you’re committed. The happiest couples in the longest marriages say that’s their secret—they continue to carve out time for just the two of them on a regular basis. And, as a result, they’re still discovering new things about each other, which keeps their relationship vital and exciting. Many of us make this promise to ourselves over and over…and then forget about it. Well, NOW is the time to stop promising and start delivering! And I’ve got a fun suggestion for how to begin. Do what my husband Jim and I do: START GOING ON “MYSTERY DATES”!
A few years ago, a married friend told me she and her husband were doing this once a month. They’d take turns planning a surprise date for their spouse—something they knew he or she would love. It was an evening or weekend afternoon (or even a weekend getaway) JUST for him or her. The giver didn’t necessarily have to like the date idea—it was all about the other person. So I planned a Mystery Date for Jim in January. Because he loves pinball, I found a “Pinball Parlor” with dozens of old pinball machines in a nearby suburb, asked him to be ready to go at 6:45 on a Friday night and to dress casually, and drove him to the location.
About a mile before our destination, he figured out where we were going. But it didn’t matter—one of the coolest things about this is trying to guess (or laughing about the guesses the other person makes!) I can’t tell you how much fun it was for me planning the date, anticipating his reaction, and enjoying how pleased he was when we pulled up in front of the place! And it turns out he’d never been there but had always wanted to try it. So I felt doubly pleased.
Plus—as a bonus I didn’t expect—even though I’ve never been a big fan of pinball, I discovered that night how much I like it. So Jim and I now have a new hobby we can share! I highly recommend trying the Mystery Date idea in your relationship. It injects a lot of extra fun for very little effort. And it could pay off in creating an interesting new pastime you could enjoy together from now on.
Side note: If your partner is more of a homebody (like mine is) and doesn’t like to go out much, he and you could plan surprise dates at home. Some ideas we’ve tried:
- A picnic on the living room floor
- “Mutual Massage Night”
- Sitting out on the patio with a fire in the chimnea, a glass of wine, and our favorite music playing
It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It just has to be something you each plan as a surprise for the other during a time you’ve set aside exclusively for the two of you. It helps to ask for the date at least a week in advance so you can both enjoy anticipating and looking forward to your special time together. I know, for me, that’s at least half the fun of Mystery Dates!
Another side note: Prior to this, Jim never felt comfortable planning dates, not even when we were first dating. He’s more of a spontaneous person not used to putting things on his calendar days or weeks in advance. But now, after doing this for a couple months, he tells me he has lots of ideas for the next date he’ll take me on (which is music to my ears after five years of urging him to suggest some outings). I think the commitment we made to do this for each other in a particular time frame—with each person planning something just 6 times a year—has made it easier for him AND injected an element of intrigue that he likes.
Whatever the reason, I’m having a GREAT time choosing (and being treated to) Mystery Dates, and I think you will too!
P.S. If you have trouble getting the process started, let me know. I’m happy to brainstorm with and cheer-lead you as you get back into dating!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
