Not being ready for in-person dating!
Though I've written plenty of articles about common online dating mistakes, I can now narrow that long list down to the one mistake I notice more often than any other: People put themselves on an online dating site before they're actually ready to date.
They think they're ready, but as soon as someone writes to them or asks them to chat on the phone or meet for coffee, they either hesitate and disappear or take Step 1 but can't move to Step 2. Here are 3 examples:
1) I had a great first meeting (3 hours of nonstop, lively conversation) and then 3 very nice dates with a guy who really seemed to like me. Then, when he asked me for date 4 on a Friday night and I had other plans, he told me Saturday and Sunday, though good for me, weren't possible for him but didn't suggest another time. In fact, when he called about it, we barely talked for 2 minutes before he had to run, saying that, even though "he really enjoyed hanging out with me," his life was super-busy with some "personal issues."
2) I had a nice phone call from another online guy who sounded anxious to meet me and asked me to breakfast the next morning. The conversation was going well until, 3/4 of the way through the meal, he told me he'd broken off a 14-year relationship 6 months earlier but was still missing his ex-girlfriend.
3) I had another good phone conversation with a man who followed up with an email telling me how much he enjoyed chatting and how attractive I was in my photo and then asking me if I could get together for a movie and drinks the following weekend (5 days later). When I said I'd prefer something other than a film so we could talk and get to know each other, he didn't write back.
Confusing--to say the least. Why did men who seemed so interested at the outset suddenly back off? Because, I believe, in all 3 cases, they realized, after looking at the reality of actually dating someone, that they weren't ready:
In case #1, he had too much to juggle in his life to make time for dating.
In case #2, he hadn't gotten over his ex-girlfriend before entering the dating world.
In case #3, something about talking to a woman instead of just seeing a film with her made him change his mind. I really don't understand that one at all.
It just seems evident in all 3 cases that they just weren't ready to pick up the ball and go forward into actual dating.
The moral of the story: Before posting an online profile, make sure you've got your "ducks in a row" and have healed from your past...so you're ready, willing, and able to spend time with people in the real world, not just the cyber-world. Otherwise, not only are you wasting your time writing a profile and send/replying to emails, but you're misleading well-meaning, sincere people who really ARE ready for dating.
Sound familiar? What do you all think? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
"Meandering" on the Path to Success
On her weekly radio show yesterday, one of my coaching gurus (Cheryl Richardson) was offering encouragement to a woman who's been feeling aimless and unsuccessful in her job hunt. Cheryl said something that really struck me: "This is a period of re-evaluation and inquiry for you. It's OK to meander for a while. Your meandering has a purpose. Just embrace its messiness."
I quickly ran to Webster's to get an exact definition of meander: "to wander casually and aimlessly without an urgent destination; to ramble." And what does rambling mean? It's "a leisurely excursion for pleasure." So Cheryl encourages us to let ourselves wander aimlessly while we're exploring new possibilities and to focus instead on pleasure. Hmmmm...very interesting.
This is exactly what I've been feeling guilty about doing all this week, as my workload has slowed down and we here on the East coast have been snowed in. Right before hearing Cheryl's validation of the idea of meandering, I'd decided to reframe my slowdown in paying work by calling it a "spiritual retreat"--a time of reflection and reassessment, a "sabbatical" to check in with myself and consider what I truly desire...inner questioning that will help me prepare for deciding my next moves both professionally and personally.
And so I meandered through the last 2 days pondering these dilemmas:
1) Professionally: How to busy myself with administrative, research, and marketing tasks as I wait for some new projects coming next week (while keeping at bay any anxiety about the reduced income)
2) Personally: How to put more pleasure into each day as I endeavor to stay positive, present, and patient while waiting to hear from a man I started seeing 2 weeks ago to let me know when we'll have our 5th date
I should tell you right now--I've never been good at waiting!
But, lo and behold, I'm feeling more at ease and at peace about all of the above than I would've thought possible! The reason: I've given myself permission to "embrace the messiness" of it all. Yes, there will be slow periods, times of uncertainty, chunks of time when I have less to do than usual, and uncomfortable phases when I can't predict what's coming next (which are hard for me because I'm such a "doer" and a planner-- someone who likes to be productive and thus struggles a bit with the idea of unstructured time without a "to-do list.")
Normally, being "aimless" isn't my M.O. But now, at age 61, after 31 years of being self-employed, I'm thinking it's OK to give myself a taste of semi-retirement. And, as a dating coach for 10 years, I'm learning to take my own advice about relaxing and wandering and exploring more in the dating world. Have no expectations or sense of urgency about a certain man. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Just have fun meeting and learning about men, without attachment to the outcome or worries about whether he's "the one".
I think we could all benefit from giving ourselves permission to meander. All I know is that it feels liberating...and kind of exciting at the same time. I sense that the Universe will have more pleasant surprises for me when I don't try to plan or control everything along the way! :-)
I quickly ran to Webster's to get an exact definition of meander: "to wander casually and aimlessly without an urgent destination; to ramble." And what does rambling mean? It's "a leisurely excursion for pleasure." So Cheryl encourages us to let ourselves wander aimlessly while we're exploring new possibilities and to focus instead on pleasure. Hmmmm...very interesting.
This is exactly what I've been feeling guilty about doing all this week, as my workload has slowed down and we here on the East coast have been snowed in. Right before hearing Cheryl's validation of the idea of meandering, I'd decided to reframe my slowdown in paying work by calling it a "spiritual retreat"--a time of reflection and reassessment, a "sabbatical" to check in with myself and consider what I truly desire...inner questioning that will help me prepare for deciding my next moves both professionally and personally.
And so I meandered through the last 2 days pondering these dilemmas:
1) Professionally: How to busy myself with administrative, research, and marketing tasks as I wait for some new projects coming next week (while keeping at bay any anxiety about the reduced income)
2) Personally: How to put more pleasure into each day as I endeavor to stay positive, present, and patient while waiting to hear from a man I started seeing 2 weeks ago to let me know when we'll have our 5th date
I should tell you right now--I've never been good at waiting!
But, lo and behold, I'm feeling more at ease and at peace about all of the above than I would've thought possible! The reason: I've given myself permission to "embrace the messiness" of it all. Yes, there will be slow periods, times of uncertainty, chunks of time when I have less to do than usual, and uncomfortable phases when I can't predict what's coming next (which are hard for me because I'm such a "doer" and a planner-- someone who likes to be productive and thus struggles a bit with the idea of unstructured time without a "to-do list.")
Normally, being "aimless" isn't my M.O. But now, at age 61, after 31 years of being self-employed, I'm thinking it's OK to give myself a taste of semi-retirement. And, as a dating coach for 10 years, I'm learning to take my own advice about relaxing and wandering and exploring more in the dating world. Have no expectations or sense of urgency about a certain man. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Just have fun meeting and learning about men, without attachment to the outcome or worries about whether he's "the one".
I think we could all benefit from giving ourselves permission to meander. All I know is that it feels liberating...and kind of exciting at the same time. I sense that the Universe will have more pleasant surprises for me when I don't try to plan or control everything along the way! :-)
Friday, January 16, 2015
What Is Self-Love Anyway?
To expand my dating coaching abilities, I often research other coaches. This week, I've been listening to male and female coaches give advice to women about how to find the right guy. And a common theme has emerged: In order to attract true love, you need to love yourself first.
Makes sense, right? But, what exactly does that mean? Well, different coaches describe it differently. I've heard self-love defined as:
- Valuing yourself and your needs and desires
- Putting yourself first to create your own happiness
- Cherishing yourself by treating yourself the way you want others to treat you
- Being kind and gentle and nonjudgmental with yourself
- Speaking up and telling others what you like and want without guilt
- Respecting and honoring your own boundaries (not settling for less than you deserve)
- Seeing the Divine within yourself
If someone asked you right now, "Do you love yourself?"...what would you say? If you feel you DO love yourself, how do you know? How do you show it?
We might answer these questions by starting with how we know we're NOT being self-loving--like when we let others disrespect us, when we try to "earn" love by giving too much to others just so they'll like us, when we stay with someone who mistreats us, or when we're afraid to ask for what we want because deep down we don't feel we deserve to get it.
Haven't we all done one or more of these things at some time when dating or in the various relationships in our lives? Not very loving behaviors by anyone's definition.
So now, let's turn them around. Being self-loving would mean you:
- respect yourself enough to say "no" to people or situations that compromise your integrity
- give only as much as feels reasonable and comfortable for you, not because you fear the other person won't like you unless you give more
- end relationships or spend less time with people who treat you badly
- ask for what you want, coming from a place of abundance and a strong sense of self
I feel most self-loving when I'm making a point of:
- doing things I love just for the joy of it
- listening to my intuition and following my heart (rather than that voice of "should")
- pampering myself with good food, the hot tub at the Y, movies I enjoy, being out in nature, buying and/or arranging flowers for myself, reading books/magazines/websites I'm learning from, spending time with my kids and/or my dearest friends, or just doing nothing guilt free
- acknowledging myself for things I'm proud of
- cutting myself some slack (i.e., not judging myself too harshly) for my mistakes
Self-love is not about boasting because it doesn't matter that others give you accolades. The only thing that matters is that YOU acknowledge yourself and feel good about you. We're all works in progress. Nobody is perfect. And we learn the most when we mess up.
How about you? What's your self-opinion? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your best friend? Is your self-talk kind and gentle or harsh and critical? Do you love you just the way you are--or do you constantly focus on your faults/shortcomings?
Start being self-loving today: make a list of all the things that are unique and wonderful and lovable about you. The things your friends notice and remark upon. The qualities you take for granted rather than taking credit for.
The most-precious gift I got this Christmas was a little ceramic pig (a favorite animal that I collect) from a dear friend, filled with tiny pieces of paper listing the things she loved, admired, and respected about me. I know I could've written the very same things about myself if I took the time to give myself an inner hug--something I think we could all benefit from doing!
Makes sense, right? But, what exactly does that mean? Well, different coaches describe it differently. I've heard self-love defined as:
- Valuing yourself and your needs and desires
- Putting yourself first to create your own happiness
- Cherishing yourself by treating yourself the way you want others to treat you
- Being kind and gentle and nonjudgmental with yourself
- Speaking up and telling others what you like and want without guilt
- Respecting and honoring your own boundaries (not settling for less than you deserve)
- Seeing the Divine within yourself
If someone asked you right now, "Do you love yourself?"...what would you say? If you feel you DO love yourself, how do you know? How do you show it?
We might answer these questions by starting with how we know we're NOT being self-loving--like when we let others disrespect us, when we try to "earn" love by giving too much to others just so they'll like us, when we stay with someone who mistreats us, or when we're afraid to ask for what we want because deep down we don't feel we deserve to get it.
Haven't we all done one or more of these things at some time when dating or in the various relationships in our lives? Not very loving behaviors by anyone's definition.
So now, let's turn them around. Being self-loving would mean you:
- respect yourself enough to say "no" to people or situations that compromise your integrity
- give only as much as feels reasonable and comfortable for you, not because you fear the other person won't like you unless you give more
- end relationships or spend less time with people who treat you badly
- ask for what you want, coming from a place of abundance and a strong sense of self
I feel most self-loving when I'm making a point of:
- doing things I love just for the joy of it
- listening to my intuition and following my heart (rather than that voice of "should")
- pampering myself with good food, the hot tub at the Y, movies I enjoy, being out in nature, buying and/or arranging flowers for myself, reading books/magazines/websites I'm learning from, spending time with my kids and/or my dearest friends, or just doing nothing guilt free
- acknowledging myself for things I'm proud of
- cutting myself some slack (i.e., not judging myself too harshly) for my mistakes
Self-love is not about boasting because it doesn't matter that others give you accolades. The only thing that matters is that YOU acknowledge yourself and feel good about you. We're all works in progress. Nobody is perfect. And we learn the most when we mess up.
How about you? What's your self-opinion? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your best friend? Is your self-talk kind and gentle or harsh and critical? Do you love you just the way you are--or do you constantly focus on your faults/shortcomings?
Start being self-loving today: make a list of all the things that are unique and wonderful and lovable about you. The things your friends notice and remark upon. The qualities you take for granted rather than taking credit for.
The most-precious gift I got this Christmas was a little ceramic pig (a favorite animal that I collect) from a dear friend, filled with tiny pieces of paper listing the things she loved, admired, and respected about me. I know I could've written the very same things about myself if I took the time to give myself an inner hug--something I think we could all benefit from doing!
Monday, October 13, 2014
Being Alone Doesn't Have to Mean Being Lonely
I'm an extrovert--somebody who draws her energy from other people and has for 60 years preferred togetherness over solitude. In all these years, I've only lived completely alone for 2 years--from age 23 to 25 when I had my own 1-bedroom apartment before marrying my first husband. Otherwise, I lived with:
- My parents and 4 siblings
- Roommates in college and grad school
- Husbands and kids
Now, everything has changed. My second marriage ended in March, 2012, my last child left the nest in June, 2014, and I parted ways with the man I'd been dating for 2 years and saw every weekend during that time. I've been by myself in this house for over 3 months--both living and working (since I'm self-employed working from home).
You'd think I'd be lonely...yearning for companionship, hungry for people contact. And, yes, I have my moments like that occasionally. I'm still adjusting to being an empty nester and definitely do miss my daughter. So, for the last couple months, I've been filling my social needs with Meetup group and hobby activities, lunches or dinners with friends, hosting parties, etc.
But this past week, something strange happened. I decided NOT to go to 2 get-togethers I'd put on my calendar. The reason in both cases: Even though the activities were fun things I'd usually love to do, I felt more like staying home by myself. And I couldn't figure out why, because I'd been home alone all day working, hadn't had any clients in, and had very little interaction with people on the phone, Facebook, or email.
This was really surprising. This was a new me...someone who preferred her own company and the simple things I enjoy doing on my own rather than going out to socialize and try new things. Certainly not behavior characteristic of an extrovert!
And what, you may ask, are the "simple things" I opted to do with me, myself, and I? Here are some examples:
- sipping some wine with dinner while reading a favorite magazine
- watching a couple of my favorite comedy TV shows
- going to a local park, town, or college to take photos
- walking around my neighborhood or into town to browse around in the shops
- perusing books at the library
- immersing myself in a book I just picked up.
- attending a meeting of my local photography club
- going to a poetry reading group to listen to some local poets
- checking out the newest indie film at my local theater
One dating coach I admire said "If you're looking for the love of your life, STOP. He will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love." Well, I guess that's what I've been doing. And it feels good. Sure, a great guy to do some of these things with would be wonderful. But, until we cross paths, I'm content and enjoying hanging out with me.
How about you? Do you enjoy your alone time? Are you good at making your own fun and enjoying your own company? If so, the experts say you're more of a natural attractor for love. Tell me your story!
- My parents and 4 siblings
- Roommates in college and grad school
- Husbands and kids
Now, everything has changed. My second marriage ended in March, 2012, my last child left the nest in June, 2014, and I parted ways with the man I'd been dating for 2 years and saw every weekend during that time. I've been by myself in this house for over 3 months--both living and working (since I'm self-employed working from home).
You'd think I'd be lonely...yearning for companionship, hungry for people contact. And, yes, I have my moments like that occasionally. I'm still adjusting to being an empty nester and definitely do miss my daughter. So, for the last couple months, I've been filling my social needs with Meetup group and hobby activities, lunches or dinners with friends, hosting parties, etc.
But this past week, something strange happened. I decided NOT to go to 2 get-togethers I'd put on my calendar. The reason in both cases: Even though the activities were fun things I'd usually love to do, I felt more like staying home by myself. And I couldn't figure out why, because I'd been home alone all day working, hadn't had any clients in, and had very little interaction with people on the phone, Facebook, or email.
This was really surprising. This was a new me...someone who preferred her own company and the simple things I enjoy doing on my own rather than going out to socialize and try new things. Certainly not behavior characteristic of an extrovert!
And what, you may ask, are the "simple things" I opted to do with me, myself, and I? Here are some examples:
- sipping some wine with dinner while reading a favorite magazine
- watching a couple of my favorite comedy TV shows
- going to a local park, town, or college to take photos
- walking around my neighborhood or into town to browse around in the shops
- perusing books at the library
- immersing myself in a book I just picked up.
- attending a meeting of my local photography club
- going to a poetry reading group to listen to some local poets
- checking out the newest indie film at my local theater
One dating coach I admire said "If you're looking for the love of your life, STOP. He will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love." Well, I guess that's what I've been doing. And it feels good. Sure, a great guy to do some of these things with would be wonderful. But, until we cross paths, I'm content and enjoying hanging out with me.
How about you? Do you enjoy your alone time? Are you good at making your own fun and enjoying your own company? If so, the experts say you're more of a natural attractor for love. Tell me your story!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Am I Ready to Date Again?
"How do I know when I'm over my wife's death and ready to date again?" was the question from the 70-something man at my recent "Dating in Midlife" seminar. My answer: "You'll know when you're ready because it won't feel strange to think about being emotionally intimate with someone new. And you will have completed all 5 stages of the grieving process."
Those are the stages outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, written to help terminally ill patients and their loved ones cope emotionally with their prognosis (more info on the stages is at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model). Over the ensuing 40+ years, the book has been used by therapists and grief counselors worldwide to help people move on after widowhood, divorce, relationship breakup, and even job layoff. Yet many grieving individuals are unaware of the 5 stages and/or have skipped one or more. Their head says they're over the loss, but their heart is still healing.
As anyone who's gone through a heartbreak can attest, the heart takes much longer to heal than the head does. I know...because I've experienced the struggle of trying to stop thinking about a man I still loved even though I broke up with him. The head knew he wasn't right for me, but the heart wanted to hold on. I've also seen this with widowed friends. Two years after her husband's death from cancer, unstoppable tears are still triggered on his birthday or their anniversary. Nine years after his wife's sudden death, he still has everything in the house just as it was the day she died.
The elderly man at my seminar (just 9 months after the loss of his wife of 44 years) was possibly ready to meet some new people and date casually, but he probably wasn't yet ready to pledge his heart and soul to another woman. As dating coach Roy Biancanala of www.coachingwithroy.com says, a person is ready for commitment when he's "not attached to someone else in any emotional, physical, legal, or logistical way." And, according to Biancanala, there are 3 signs a person is definitely not ready to commit:
1. He is not yet officially divorced.
2. He was divorced or widowed (or experienced a major breakup of a long-term relationship) less than a year ago.
3. He is still bitter, angry, or in drama with an ex-partner.
How about you? Are you struggling to finish grieving a relationship loss? Or are you truly ready to move forward and start fresh with someone new? If you think you might benefit from help from a grief counselor, I can refer you to one. Only when we clear out the past are we able we make way for the new.
Those are the stages outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, written to help terminally ill patients and their loved ones cope emotionally with their prognosis (more info on the stages is at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model). Over the ensuing 40+ years, the book has been used by therapists and grief counselors worldwide to help people move on after widowhood, divorce, relationship breakup, and even job layoff. Yet many grieving individuals are unaware of the 5 stages and/or have skipped one or more. Their head says they're over the loss, but their heart is still healing.
As anyone who's gone through a heartbreak can attest, the heart takes much longer to heal than the head does. I know...because I've experienced the struggle of trying to stop thinking about a man I still loved even though I broke up with him. The head knew he wasn't right for me, but the heart wanted to hold on. I've also seen this with widowed friends. Two years after her husband's death from cancer, unstoppable tears are still triggered on his birthday or their anniversary. Nine years after his wife's sudden death, he still has everything in the house just as it was the day she died.
The elderly man at my seminar (just 9 months after the loss of his wife of 44 years) was possibly ready to meet some new people and date casually, but he probably wasn't yet ready to pledge his heart and soul to another woman. As dating coach Roy Biancanala of www.coachingwithroy.com says, a person is ready for commitment when he's "not attached to someone else in any emotional, physical, legal, or logistical way." And, according to Biancanala, there are 3 signs a person is definitely not ready to commit:
1. He is not yet officially divorced.
2. He was divorced or widowed (or experienced a major breakup of a long-term relationship) less than a year ago.
3. He is still bitter, angry, or in drama with an ex-partner.
How about you? Are you struggling to finish grieving a relationship loss? Or are you truly ready to move forward and start fresh with someone new? If you think you might benefit from help from a grief counselor, I can refer you to one. Only when we clear out the past are we able we make way for the new.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
We Must Heal From Past Love to Open to New Love
In my experience with both coaching and dating, I've found that one of the most-common reasons people can't attract healthy new relationships is that they haven't yet healed from an old one.
While navigating the 5 stages of grieving the loss of my last relationship, I've been soul-searching and struggling for ways to make the process easier and faster, even though I know I can't rush it. I have to take the time to sit with the feelings and gradually release the love I had for that person...so my heart will be completely open to somebody new.
My roots as a writer date back to 1965 when, at age 12, I wrote my first poem. Since then, I've written poetry at times when I had deep emotions I needed to express. It was always a helpful, therapeutic release. This poem is what came out when I sat down this afternoon to express my feelings about the relationship I ended 3 months ago today:
Ghosts
Spirits from our past who won't move on
Thinking it comforts us to have them near
Lovers from our past we can't let go
Wishing we'd forget them yet paralyzed by fear
Attachments of the heart...stronger than time
Keep spirits trapped on earth, lovers drowned in tears
Your head said you'd grieved the sudden loss of your wife
But your heart won't release her and open to new love in your life
So she stayed by your side and pushed others away
You tried to love again but could not find a way
Then, not just your heart was broken; mine was too
But I've now forgiven you for what you didn't intend to do
Perhaps one day she'll move forward and into the "Light"
But I am long gone, exhausted from that fight
We each had our ghosts we hoped to leave behind
so we could attract the love we'd been yearning to find
Peace to you, old friend, may your heart soon be free
of the spirit whose embrace kept you from loving me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Why Do Baby Boomer Men Resist Dating Older Women?
Just about every woman over 45 who hires me for dating coaching asks the same question: "Why won't men consider dating women around their age? They all seem to want women 10-15 years younger." And my reply is always the same: "If a man is attracted to you, your age isn't the #1 concern. Post a great photo of yourself on your profile and write to men you think are compatible with you. You'll be surprised at how many will write back, even if you're a few years older."
This has been true in my dating life. Of the 17 men I've had relationships with in the 41 years since my first love at age 19, 53% (9) have been younger, 23% (4) have been the same age, and 23% (4) have been older. My second husband was 43 when I met him at age 50, but there was a lot of commonality because we'd been divorced about the same length of time, our kids were similar ages, and we shared several hobbies. He told me age wasn't an issue for him; he just wanted to date someone he was attracted to and felt comfortable with.
I think this is generally true of most people in the dating world. When you meet in person rather than online, people don't know your age. So they chat with you if they feel attracted in some way...period. So why do midlife daters fixate so much on age?
Well, there are many reasons women tell me about. A common one is a preference for healthy men who won't need someone to take care of them; and they figure younger men are more likely to be healthy and energetic enough to want to go out and do things, travel, and enjoy life. The reasons men tell me they care about a woman's age is that younger women are prettier/sexier and more likely to look up to them and help them feel needed and important. These are generalities, of course. But some 2014 research seems to concur:
A recent article in Etc. Magazine cited OKCupid statistics that showed that 40-year-old men are most attracted to 21-year-old women, while 40-year-old women are most attracted to 38-year-old men. Quite an age gap! The website's studies showed that men in their mid-40s rarely messaged women over 30, and many of them continually date women 10 years younger. However, the data also showed that, eventually, their tactics started to fail, since the younger women they messaged rejected them by not writing back.
The result, the article said, is "a lot of 40-year-old men and women who find it hard to get a date." Sad, in my opinion, to let age be such an important factor in choosing dates. After all, it's really just a number. You're as young as you feel and act. I know a lot of women my age (60) who are in great shape, very active, sexy, healthy, fascinating, and fun. And I also know active men my age who are in good shape, dynamic, interesting, and on the go.
I'll admit that I shy away from men more than a year or two older than me because I've found over the years that men older than me were more likely to be sedentary and less interested in trying new things. However, the 4 men I did date who were older didn't fit that stereotype, so I now try to be more open minded about age.
How about you? How has the age factor played out for you in the dating world? I'd love to hear your stories!
This has been true in my dating life. Of the 17 men I've had relationships with in the 41 years since my first love at age 19, 53% (9) have been younger, 23% (4) have been the same age, and 23% (4) have been older. My second husband was 43 when I met him at age 50, but there was a lot of commonality because we'd been divorced about the same length of time, our kids were similar ages, and we shared several hobbies. He told me age wasn't an issue for him; he just wanted to date someone he was attracted to and felt comfortable with.
I think this is generally true of most people in the dating world. When you meet in person rather than online, people don't know your age. So they chat with you if they feel attracted in some way...period. So why do midlife daters fixate so much on age?
Well, there are many reasons women tell me about. A common one is a preference for healthy men who won't need someone to take care of them; and they figure younger men are more likely to be healthy and energetic enough to want to go out and do things, travel, and enjoy life. The reasons men tell me they care about a woman's age is that younger women are prettier/sexier and more likely to look up to them and help them feel needed and important. These are generalities, of course. But some 2014 research seems to concur:
A recent article in Etc. Magazine cited OKCupid statistics that showed that 40-year-old men are most attracted to 21-year-old women, while 40-year-old women are most attracted to 38-year-old men. Quite an age gap! The website's studies showed that men in their mid-40s rarely messaged women over 30, and many of them continually date women 10 years younger. However, the data also showed that, eventually, their tactics started to fail, since the younger women they messaged rejected them by not writing back.
The result, the article said, is "a lot of 40-year-old men and women who find it hard to get a date." Sad, in my opinion, to let age be such an important factor in choosing dates. After all, it's really just a number. You're as young as you feel and act. I know a lot of women my age (60) who are in great shape, very active, sexy, healthy, fascinating, and fun. And I also know active men my age who are in good shape, dynamic, interesting, and on the go.
I'll admit that I shy away from men more than a year or two older than me because I've found over the years that men older than me were more likely to be sedentary and less interested in trying new things. However, the 4 men I did date who were older didn't fit that stereotype, so I now try to be more open minded about age.
How about you? How has the age factor played out for you in the dating world? I'd love to hear your stories!
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