Why Don't Older Singles Want to Get Married Again?

I've been talking recently with over-60 friends and divorced/widowed clients as well as my partner of 5 years about the pros and cons of getting married again. So I did some research on the topic. According to a Pew Research Center report, only 15% of divorced or widowed women and 29% of men say they want to remarry. Those are pretty low numbers. Why the hesitation? There are many reasons.

"Single older boomers are starting to view remarriage less favorably," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, as well as an author and sexologist. “When they get divorced or widowed or have been single later in life, the motivation to pair up and shake up their life is muted,” she says. “And often, the conditions of past marriage were painful enough and difficult enough that they are loath to re-enter that fray.” 

Women, in particular, are finding that they love their newfound independence too, according to Schwartz. Which is why many of them opt to live with a partner rather than get married. In fact, the number of adults over 50 who were living together without marrying more than doubled between 2000 and 2010, from 1.2 million to 2.75 million, according to the Journal of Marriage and Family. It's not that these couples fear commitment. Instead, financial planners say they're afraid marriage will mean increased health care costs, reduced retirement benefits, higher taxes, and disrupted estate plans. This could be true, but you need to talk to your financial consultant to find out if these fears apply to your situation. This article "The Pros and Cons of Getting Married Later in Life" could help you sort it out: 

https://www.kiplinger.com/article/retirement/T065-C000-S002-pros-and-cons-of-getting-married-later-in-life.html

In the meantime, though, I recommend that you also consider the emotional aspects of having a partner in your life--whether you marry or live together. I was happy when my partner asked me to live with him because, of course, I love being with him but also because I like having a partner--sharing expenses, having each other's backs, traveling together, and, most importantly, enjoying companionship (someone to come home to each day, eat meals with, travel with, and cuddle and make love with). 

Companionship is key. Many people who divorce or lose their spouse in their 50s are alone for the very first time in their lives, and that loneliness can be overwhelming. It can even make newly single people desperate enough to remarry too soon. My advice: slow down and think it through. Research shows that couples who create happy second marriages have taken the time to do the necessary grieving and healing work after their marriage ended.  It's smart not to rush it. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process.

It also pays to think carefully before moving in together. Maybe your newfound independence is more important to you than you thought it would be, so living apart but remaining a couple would work better for the two of you. Or maybe you'd be incompatible sharing a space because of differing financial, housekeeping, or lifestyle factors--yet you love each other and want to continue your relationship. 

It's all worth thinking about in detail and talking honestly with your partner about.

Older singles have all kinds of options. Which one sounds right for you? It's a good idea to decide before entering the dating world because future dating partners will ask you about this. Some will even eliminate you as a possibility because they envision/prefer a different kind of future relationship arrangement than you do.

If you need support as you brainstorm about it, give me a call (267-245-3023). I've had experience helping many older singles figure out their priorities--and the dating strategies that align with them. 

WHAT DOES AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE REALLY TELL YOU?

I recently read an excerpt about online dating in a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which said online dating "offers a great opportunity to practice identifying emotional maturity as you read and consider what people are revealing about themselves in their profiles and emails."

I totally agree. It definitely pays to read others' profiles carefully to determine what the words they've chosen to describe themselves tell you about the person inside.

The book goes on to say "Although some people are better writers than others, all personal writing reveals something about how people think, what they value, and what they're most focused on, not to mention their sense of humor and sensitivity to other people's feelings."

I agree again. What a potential date decides is worth mentioning in a profile gives you clues about his or her priorities in life as well as about attitudes and personality traits. 

For example, I believe you can usually discern whether a person is an introvert or an extrovert, based on what he or she feels comfortable telling others (ie, strangers and the Internet universe) about him- or herself. If the person is very private and/or introverted, expect the profile to be fairly short without much detail. On the other hand, an extrovert like me will find it hard to stop sharing the details.

The amount of detail in the profile also reveals how confident the person is. Those who reveal more are likely pretty comfortable in their own skin, with a good sense of self and decent self-esteem and thus no fear of bragging a bit and putting information "out there". 

But what about those "just the facts, Ma'am" profiles that list a few of the person's interests but not much more? I know many of my clients complain that people don't write enough in their profiles to give others a sense of them. Of course, those are the profiles that generate the least interest and the fewest emails asking for connection.

I recommend sharing enough to pique people's interest so they want to email you to flesh out the details you've shared...and start a conversation so they can learn more about you. Based on what's mentioned above, I'd say it's smart to consider writing about activities or experiences that reflect
- what you value
- how you think
- what you're most focused on (how you spend your time)
- what you're most passionate about
- what makes you laugh 

These things will give people reading your profile a glimpse into who you are and what makes you tick...and whether you're the type of person they'd enjoy spending time with. Which is all a profile is meant to do--spark an interest in taking things further (with a phone call, meet-and-greet get-together, and then hopefully a first date).

If you have no idea what you want to write in your profile, give me a call. I specialize in helping singles write profiles that get others interested in reaching out to you. (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com).

No One Ever Said Dating Would Be Easy

If you're like a lot of people in the dating world, sometimes you get tired of looking. It can sometimes feel like too much effort...for too few results. I know. I've been there.

You spend hours every week writing emails on dating sites, going to singles and hobby activities, and keeping your eyes opened everywhere you go for people who might be your type. It takes time, effort, and energy--and every so often, you feel like giving up. Like you need a break. 

I get that too. We all need to slow down to recharge our batteries when we've been working hard at something for a long time.

Yes, the dating search takes some legwork and time commitment. And, yes, it can be draining, frustrating, and even demoralizing. But I firmly believe that anything worth having, such as a romantic partner to go through life with, is worth spending some time and effort...which is why I never gave up searching.

And that's how I found the love of my life.

I stayed focused on my goal, put in the time and effort necessary to reach for it, and took breaks as needed to regroup after disappointments and failures. And you can do the same thing--if you set your intention, promise yourself to stick with it, carve out the time to pursue it, and reach out for moral support and new strategies when you hit a wall.

Maybe you've done all 3 of those 4 things except reaching out for moral support. Maybe you thought you could do it on your own--even after all the weeks, months, or years that your efforts didn't pay off. 

Maybe today is the day you should take that extra step by calling an expert for some advice and ideas to make dating easier.

People hire coaches when they're training for athletic events or trying to move to the next level in their career. But, for some reason, they hesitate to ask for help when it comes to their personal lives.

Isn't your love life just as important--or even more important--than a sport or career? If you think it is, you might want to consider working with a dating coach to:

* guide you to new places or websites to meet singles

* help you stay motivated and energized when you feel tired or hopeless

* boost your self-confidence for dating

* write your online dating profile for you if you're not sure what to say

* gain a new perspective so dating doesn't feel like work anymore

Are you ready? If so, I'm here to help with all the tips and techniques that woked for me in the dating world...and that led me to my true love. 

Contact me at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Fantasies Can Hinder Your Dating Search

Sometimes, clients tell me about their "dream" date. They have a very specific type of partner in mind, which is good to have--the more specific the better (since I always recommend getting super-clear on the qualities that are most compatible with you before going out there to look).

But some people take it too far.

They fixate on certain appearance traits or maybe even a celebrity they're enamored with--and then try to find someone who's exactly like that. Which, of course, is unrealistic and inevitably sets them up for disappointment when they can't bring their "fantasy" to life.

In fact, fantasies can definitely get in the way of success in the real world. Especially with regard to dating.

There are 3 reasons why: 
1) People set the bar way too high by comparing everyone they meet to their fantasy woman or man. And, of course, no mere mortal will ever measure up. 
2) They might spend so much time daydreaming about their fantasy that they don't make time to go out in the dating world or online to start meeting real people.
3) They could get so caught up in the fantasy that they're thinking only about that fantasy person and, as a result, aren't actually emotionally available for a real-world relationship.  

This is very unfortunate, but it's also fixable. The solution? The person just has to let the fantasy go and get real. Easier said than done for some people. In extreme cases, they might actually reach out to their fantasy lover and then get rejected--which naturally damages both their self-esteem and their dating confidence. 

And, since confidence is 70% of the success formula for dating, this makes in almost impossible for them to be successful going forward. How can they present themselves well to potential dates in situations such as singles groups, online dating profiles, and other places in the real world when they feel like a loser in the fantasy world of their mind?

Short answer: they can't. 

The moral of this story is that singles need to make sure they're being realistic about the type of partner they think they can attract. Otherwise, they're setting themselves up for rejection and, in turn, sabotaging themselves by damaging the all-important confidence needed for dating success. 

How about you? Are you holding onto a fantasy that might be hindering you from moving forward in your dating search? If so, let me know. I'd be happy to support you in releasing it so you can succeed with dating. (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com)



 

4 REASONS YOU NEED A PARTNER VISION LIST

I ask every client who hires me for dating coaching whether they have a Partner Vision List--a detailed description of the characteristics they seek in a partner.

Believe it or not, many of them don't have one...and that's a big mistake. Without my Partner Vision, I know I never would have found the love of my life.

Here are 4 reasons why I urge you to make that list right away:
1. It gives you clarity.
How are you going to FIND what you want if you don't KNOW what you want? Hasn't every dream or desire you've ever had started with an idea in your mind or a feeling in your heart about whatever you envisioned: the type of job you wanted, the kind of car you desired, the style of house you dreamed about? And didn't you find it was much more likely you'd realize those dreams once you clearly defined them?

The same is true about your romantic partner. Having a clear vision of that person (written down on paper) makes it far more likely you'll be able to spot him or her when he or she crosses your path.

2. It helps you focus better.
How are you going to meet people for dating unless you focus time and attention on that effort and focus on the types of places where you're likeliest to meet compatible people? Your Partner Vision provides much-needed focus too. The list gives you something to focus on when you're setting your intention and/or saying your prayers for partnership. I kept my list in my bedside table to focus on during nighttime prayers, and I taped it to my computer so I could keep the vision of my future partner top of mind while I was at work all day--a great manifestation tool to support the Law of Attraction. 

3. It signals how serious you are about finding a partner.
In addition, your written manifestation tool sends a powerful message to God/Your Higher Power that you are determined to attract a partner into your life. Anyone with a successful business will tell you it all started with a clear, written business plan. With a well-thought-out "blueprint" of your ideal partner on paper, your chances of success increase exponentially!

4. It gives you an important and helpful reference point. Every time you meet a new person on a dating site or at an event or activity, you can refer back to your list to determine if he or she has most of the qualities you know are compatible with you in a partner. That way, you won't be swayed by and taken in by someone's looks or charm even though he or she isn't right for you. You'll be able to rationally decide if it's worth pursuing this new person and not spend unnecessary time with people who aren't a match--a trap many of my clients fall into and then regret. 

Though it might sound analytical and methodical to use a written list to help you find a partner, it's just common sense--a practical tool to help make a complicated task easier. 

Or, if you think you already have a clear Partner Vision in your mind, write it down. Then enhance it with more than just appearance, age, and personality traits. List the values, philosophies of life, and dating behaviors you wish for in a partner too. The more detailed and specific, the better!

If you need help fleshing out your list, give me call (267-245-3023) or email me gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com. I'd love to help you!

DO YOU EVEN HAVE TIME FOR DATING?

Often, clients who haven't been in the dating world for ages ask me how much time the dating search will take. My simple answer is "more than you might think."

Why do I say that? Because, if you want to find a compatible person, it's smart to look in lots of places and/or to try lots of online dating websites. And then to try some more venues and more websites...and to continue that strategy week after week, month after month...until you cross paths with someone who's as interested in you as our are in him/her. 

That takes time....and patience.

It means you need to set aside some hours for 2 things: 
1) Sitting at your computer to peruse profiles and write emails and later having phone calls and meetings over coffee if you want success with online dating

2) Checking the newspaper and sites like Bucks County Alive.com (here in PA) and meetup.com for ideas of places to go to meet folks in person, such as singles groups and hobby activities...and then leaving your house at least twice a month to check these things out

If your life is super-busy because you have too many obligations, such as kids, elderly parents, a disorganized home or office, or long hours at work, it's unrealistic to think you can devote the time you'll need to search for dating prospects and then go on actual dates. And, if you do try to make the time, you'll probably be stressed out as a result.

The answer? Get all the other "ducks in a row" in your life (with a nice balance between work and family) first, before you even think about dating. Then, and only then, can you fully focus your attention on your dating life. And, believe me, if you're looking for love, that pursuit needs and deserves your FULL attention!

By full attention, I mean that you put a little effort into it every day. That could mean spending 15 minutes to search online and send an email or two...or to research some groups or events to attend over the weekend or next week. 

It could mean spending 10 minutes each day to respond to whatever emails you get on an online dating site..or having a phone call with someone you've exchanged emails with. (And then, of course, setting aside an hour within a week or so to have coffee or tea with an online prospect you clicked with on the phone).

Or it could mean spending 2 or 3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday attending a singles hike, wine tasting, dance, or other social event. Or the same amount of time checking out an art gallery, museum, movie premier, sporting event, arts festival, garden tour, or other outing related to your hobbies/passions.

You get the idea. Time needs to be carved out...and you need to commit yourself to periodically trying new things so you can cross paths with new people.

If you'd like an assessment of whether you're ready for dating yet and whether you can realistically devote the time to it, let me know. I'd be happy to help you determine your readiness...and then a dating game plan for when you ARE ready. gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Flexible Are You About Who You Date?

Are you an over-50 divorced or widowed person who's been told you're "too picky"? Are you somewhat inflexible about the parameters you set for the type of folks you'll consider dating? 

You are if you say something like this (which are statements I often hear from my older dating coaching clients):

"I've had a lot of dating experience and know what I want. I won't settle."

"I'm too old to play games. I just want people to be honest with me."

"I have to be attracted to the other person right away; otherwise, I know it won't work."

All of these sound like reasonable statements that are based on above-average knowledge of the dating world. But, in my opinion, they reflect a lack of the open-mindedness that is absolutely necessary in order to meet and date an interesting array of people.

"I won't settle" -- This statement is often indicative of a person who's not willing to reserve judgment until getting to know more about someone and, ultimately, to compromise with others to find a middle ground on whatever comes up in a relationship. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a clear "partner vision" and hold out for what you truly desire in a partner, but it helps you date more if you're open to different types of people. Often, the right person for you may not seem like a match at first but could reveal him or herself to be just that after a little time passes.

"I just want honesty." -- This is understandable, but you need to remember that people are putting their best foot forward in the beginning. They are presenting the most-positive picture of themselves in order to make a good first impression on you. And trust must grow between the two of you before he or she is comfortable being completely honest and, thus, vulnerable. Of course, I'm not saying you should tolerate people who are "playing games", lying, or not being forthcoming with you. But it helps to give others the benefit of the doubt regarding their behavior in the dating world. Many older singles are nervous, insecure, and inexperienced, especially if it's been a long time since they dated.

"I have to be immediately attracted." -- I agree that you should feel a comfort level and/or a warmth and some sort of connection with a dating prospect when you first meet. But actual sexual attraction may not develop until the second, third, or even fourth date. This happened to me with a couple of the men I dated...and later on, we had a wonderful physical relationship. The most important feeling you want to experience at first is pleasure being in that person's company...and the desire to see him or her again. I recommend giving each person you feel okay about a chance to "grow on" you. In my experience, getting to know the person better in terms of sense of humor and personality can reveal aspects that are more attractive than they seemed at first.

So, how flexible are you really? Be honest with yourself. If you determine you need to be more open-minded about the folks you meet in the dating world, let me know. I can definitely support you in that process...and ultimately help you have more success finding great people to date! (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com