As Match.com celebrates its 20th anniversary, online dating has been in the news recently. One piece I found particularly interesting discusses 5 interesting findings from a 2014 Pew Research Center study and report on "How American Couples Use Technology."
A lot sure has changed since 1995, when only 14% of American adults used the Internet and online dating options were few. Now, about 90% of Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance.
Here is what the Pew study found:
1) Most Americans say online dating is a good way to meet people.
It has lost its stigma, and almost half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or met a spouse or long-term partner that way.
2) About 20% of adults 25-34 have used online dating, but it's also popular with older singles. In fact, 17% of adults 35-44, 8% of those 45-54, 6% of those 55-64, and 3% of adults 65+ have used online dating sites or apps. (Speaking of apps, Tinder--the app that lets you swipe to say yes or no to prospects by showing the faces of singles in your neighborhood, creates 2 billion swipes and 12 million matches a day.)
3) 66% of people who've used online dating have gone on a date with someone they met on these sites.
That figure is up from 43% in 2005.
4) 20% of online daters have asked someone else to help with their profile.
Many, especially women, enlist their friends to help. In fact, 30% of women vs. 16% of men have sought assistance writing or reviewing their profile.
5) 5% of Americans who are married or in a committed relationship say they met their significant other online.
Of those who've been with their partner for 5 years or less, 88% say they met offline--with meeting through friends as the most likely way couples connect.
Other research, as noted in Aziz Ansari's new book Modern Romance, shows that:
- 38% of "single and looking" Americans of all ages have used online dating
- women get 4 times as many emails on dating sites as men do
What I conclude after reading all these statistics is:
1) Women should feel free to initiate contact on Internet dating sites, since men don't get much email and would welcome the attention from someone who is truly interested.
2) Online dating is definitely worth trying. Most folks know someone who met a partner that way, and 2/3 wind up getting a date via the dating sites.
3) It is still smart to do BOTH online dating and socializing with friends, groups, and activities, since such a large percentage of couples meet offline. I met about half the men I dated over the years online and the other half offline, so I know both methods work.
How about you? Are you part of the 1/3 of online daters still waiting to get that first coffee date set up? If so, I'd love to help by offering you a coaching session. Or, you can read my online dating how-to book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50," available on this website. Happy Dating!!
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
IS FEAR OF REJECTION SABOTAGING YOUR DATING LIFE?
At a recent seminar I presented on the topic of having the courage to take risks as a way to transform your life, several single women participants (ages 40s to 60s) mentioned that fear of rejection was the single biggest reason they either didn't like or hadn't yet tried online dating.
Unfortunately, that's a self-sabotaging fear that could prevent them from meeting the love of their life.
Sure, we're all a bit nervous when meeting someone new in a high-pressure situation like a "blind date" which is what that first get-together for coffee or tea can feel like. You've only seen a photo of the person you're meeting and have no idea what he really looks like or whether you'll feel any attraction to him.
But keep this in mind: he's nervous too! He's wondering if you'll look like your photo...whether he'll be attracted to you...and whether you'll be interested in him. And--let's be honest--you're both nervous about making a good first impression and not saying something that will scare the person off before you've gotten to know each other.
My advice (learned after dozens of initial meetings) is to RELAX. Be yourself. Don't worry about the impression you're making or about editing what you say. Let the conversation flow naturally. And, most important of all, show a sincere interest in listening to what the other person has to say.
Approach the coffee date with a sense of adventure. This is a chance to enter the world of someone new--and to possibly learn fascinating information about hobbies, careers, or travel destinations you don't know much about. I certainly had fun soaking up fun facts about a myriad of topics in the 60+ coffee dates I had over the years.
And then, one day, the conversation just flowed so well with a certain guy, and the comfort level and warmth were so obvious between us that I knew we'd be seeing each other again...and again...and again.
This can happen for you too...if you leave that fear of rejection at the door and enter with the intention of real connection. If you need moral support before you start, let me know. I'd love to help!
Unfortunately, that's a self-sabotaging fear that could prevent them from meeting the love of their life.
Sure, we're all a bit nervous when meeting someone new in a high-pressure situation like a "blind date" which is what that first get-together for coffee or tea can feel like. You've only seen a photo of the person you're meeting and have no idea what he really looks like or whether you'll feel any attraction to him.
But keep this in mind: he's nervous too! He's wondering if you'll look like your photo...whether he'll be attracted to you...and whether you'll be interested in him. And--let's be honest--you're both nervous about making a good first impression and not saying something that will scare the person off before you've gotten to know each other.
My advice (learned after dozens of initial meetings) is to RELAX. Be yourself. Don't worry about the impression you're making or about editing what you say. Let the conversation flow naturally. And, most important of all, show a sincere interest in listening to what the other person has to say.
Approach the coffee date with a sense of adventure. This is a chance to enter the world of someone new--and to possibly learn fascinating information about hobbies, careers, or travel destinations you don't know much about. I certainly had fun soaking up fun facts about a myriad of topics in the 60+ coffee dates I had over the years.
And then, one day, the conversation just flowed so well with a certain guy, and the comfort level and warmth were so obvious between us that I knew we'd be seeing each other again...and again...and again.
This can happen for you too...if you leave that fear of rejection at the door and enter with the intention of real connection. If you need moral support before you start, let me know. I'd love to help!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Yes! Women CAN initiate the online dating process!
"Is it OK for me to be the initiator in online dating?" a woman client asked me recently. My response: "Absolutely! That's what I always recommend." And here's why.
I never would have met any of the men I've been with over the last 11 years (including the wonderful man I'm dating now) if I hadn't started the conversation on an Internet dating website. Sure, I had hundreds of men of various types express an interest in me online, but the only way I dated guys who were MY type was to find them myself and make their acquaintance by dropping them a note.
A majority of the men who emailed me didn't feel compatible enough. So, it seemed that the smarter approach would be choose matches myself, reach out, and then see if any of the guys I liked also liked me. In the end, that approach worked!
There are 3 main reasons why it's fine for a woman to "make the first move" in the cyberdating world:
1) Sending an initial email is just like making eye contact with/smiling at a man you're interested in at a singles event in "the real world." It's simply a way of "flirting" to show him it's OK to take the next step and come over and talk to you. After that, he'll pick up the ball and ask you out if he's interested. The woman may have gotten things rolling in the online world, but from there it becomes like traditional dating with the man making the next overtures.
So if you're afraid men will think you're aggressive or "pursuing" them, fear not! Your flirty email online is just a tool to make a first contact. It doesn't change the age-old "man pursuing woman" dynamic.
2) Men love it when you show an interest in them. They're very flattered to get your complimentary note because it's not very common for women to approach them first, and it feels good to know someone is impressed by them. It takes away both the pressure of always being the initiator as well as the fear of rejection men have had to deal with all their lives. Having a woman approach them first is refreshing and ego boosting.
3) The rules of dating have changed. In 2015, the dating world is a LOT different than it was before Match.com was founded 20 years ago. With dating websites offering us millions of single people to choose from, both men and women are now used to having the opportunity to, in effect, "shop" for dates and then contact them "virtually." Men post their pictures and profiles to attract women's attention, so why shouldn't women respond by telling them they succeeded in attracting them?
I haven't had a single male client who didn't enjoy getting an initial email from a woman who was interested in learning more about him. So go ahead, ladies...search through those profiles and find some guys who excite you. Then, write a short note telling them what grabbed you most and what the two of you have in common.
By doing that, you're not crossing some invisible dating etiquette line. You've just broken the ice and hopefully paved the way for a getting-to-know-you phone call and meeting for coffee. Then, who knows?! He may click with you enough to ask you out on a real date...and the two of you can take it from there! Happy Dating!! :-)
I never would have met any of the men I've been with over the last 11 years (including the wonderful man I'm dating now) if I hadn't started the conversation on an Internet dating website. Sure, I had hundreds of men of various types express an interest in me online, but the only way I dated guys who were MY type was to find them myself and make their acquaintance by dropping them a note.
A majority of the men who emailed me didn't feel compatible enough. So, it seemed that the smarter approach would be choose matches myself, reach out, and then see if any of the guys I liked also liked me. In the end, that approach worked!
There are 3 main reasons why it's fine for a woman to "make the first move" in the cyberdating world:
1) Sending an initial email is just like making eye contact with/smiling at a man you're interested in at a singles event in "the real world." It's simply a way of "flirting" to show him it's OK to take the next step and come over and talk to you. After that, he'll pick up the ball and ask you out if he's interested. The woman may have gotten things rolling in the online world, but from there it becomes like traditional dating with the man making the next overtures.
So if you're afraid men will think you're aggressive or "pursuing" them, fear not! Your flirty email online is just a tool to make a first contact. It doesn't change the age-old "man pursuing woman" dynamic.
2) Men love it when you show an interest in them. They're very flattered to get your complimentary note because it's not very common for women to approach them first, and it feels good to know someone is impressed by them. It takes away both the pressure of always being the initiator as well as the fear of rejection men have had to deal with all their lives. Having a woman approach them first is refreshing and ego boosting.
3) The rules of dating have changed. In 2015, the dating world is a LOT different than it was before Match.com was founded 20 years ago. With dating websites offering us millions of single people to choose from, both men and women are now used to having the opportunity to, in effect, "shop" for dates and then contact them "virtually." Men post their pictures and profiles to attract women's attention, so why shouldn't women respond by telling them they succeeded in attracting them?
I haven't had a single male client who didn't enjoy getting an initial email from a woman who was interested in learning more about him. So go ahead, ladies...search through those profiles and find some guys who excite you. Then, write a short note telling them what grabbed you most and what the two of you have in common.
By doing that, you're not crossing some invisible dating etiquette line. You've just broken the ice and hopefully paved the way for a getting-to-know-you phone call and meeting for coffee. Then, who knows?! He may click with you enough to ask you out on a real date...and the two of you can take it from there! Happy Dating!! :-)
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
If You Have a High EQ, Relationships Will Be Easier
In 1995--20 years ago already--Daniel Goldman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ was published. It's a fascinating look at how being aware of and able to manage our emotions (while also being sensitive to others' emotions) can help us in life and relationships (both professional and personal).
I've been re-reading the book recently and find that it makes a lot of points that are helpful for people in the dating world:
- People with a high EQ are more satisfied, better with people & more optimistic
- Those with a high EQ are cool, confident & see themselves as worthy
- High-EQ people are self-reliant & dependable as well as happier & healthier than others
Imagine how much easier a relationship with a partner who has qualities like these would be!
Research also shows that someone with a high EQ is better able to resolve conflict because he/she:
- is good at handling & defusing negative emotions
- is able to control his/her anger & so remains calm & tries to reason with the other person
- takes the time to understand what he/she is feeling & works with it
- is less likely to freeze, go to pieces, or regress under stress/doesn't crack under pressure
- takes full responsibility for his/her feelings & doesn't blame the other person for them
- embraces challenges & acts fast to solve problems
- is very empathetic & able to see things through others' eyes
Imagine too how skills like these would make it easier to discuss and overcome relationship problems more quickly and with less drama!
I know that, in my relationships over the years, dating/relating with someone who was in touch with and able to express his emotions and also validate/empathize with mine helped us communicate better, fostering the understanding and compassion that helped us reduce or even prevent arguments...making things flow much more smoothly. But, sadly, finding people with a high EQ isn't easy (which is why I feel blessed to be dating someone now who does have this very desirable quality!)
If you want to be in such a relationship, there's good news: a person CAN raise his/her EQ! Here are 3 ways to do it, according to psychologists:
1) Increase your self-awareness of both your strengths & your weaknesses. Limitations aren't viewed as shortcomings for someone with high emotional intelligence, so he/she strives to gain knowledge & insight into these and to see them as opportunities for self-growth and reaching outside his/her comfort zone to become a better person. I know that both I and the man I'm dating have done a lot of personal growth work over the years, which is a huge help for increasing self-awareness.
2) Practice acknowledging & managing your emotions. Rather than being reactive, try to be proactive about monitoring what you feel and keeping negative emotions in check. You can do this by listening to and recognizing others' feelings, even when you disagree with them. Step back to process whatever comes up in an appropriate way. This doesn't mean denying you have anger, fear, shame or other negative feelings; it just means learning how and when to express them in a nonvolatile, nonjudgmental manner.
3) Demonstrate an authentic & genuine interest in other people. Make it a point to learn about what's important to the other person, so you can understand and care about what he/she cares about. True caring, of course, facilitates authentic feelings of friendship, trust, and respect that make it easier to talk things through...and which can, in time, lead to romance and long-term commitment.
Curious about your own EQ? Take this short quiz:
I've been re-reading the book recently and find that it makes a lot of points that are helpful for people in the dating world:
- People with a high EQ are more satisfied, better with people & more optimistic
- Those with a high EQ are cool, confident & see themselves as worthy
- High-EQ people are self-reliant & dependable as well as happier & healthier than others
Imagine how much easier a relationship with a partner who has qualities like these would be!
Research also shows that someone with a high EQ is better able to resolve conflict because he/she:
- is good at handling & defusing negative emotions
- is able to control his/her anger & so remains calm & tries to reason with the other person
- takes the time to understand what he/she is feeling & works with it
- is less likely to freeze, go to pieces, or regress under stress/doesn't crack under pressure
- takes full responsibility for his/her feelings & doesn't blame the other person for them
- embraces challenges & acts fast to solve problems
- is very empathetic & able to see things through others' eyes
Imagine too how skills like these would make it easier to discuss and overcome relationship problems more quickly and with less drama!
I know that, in my relationships over the years, dating/relating with someone who was in touch with and able to express his emotions and also validate/empathize with mine helped us communicate better, fostering the understanding and compassion that helped us reduce or even prevent arguments...making things flow much more smoothly. But, sadly, finding people with a high EQ isn't easy (which is why I feel blessed to be dating someone now who does have this very desirable quality!)
If you want to be in such a relationship, there's good news: a person CAN raise his/her EQ! Here are 3 ways to do it, according to psychologists:
1) Increase your self-awareness of both your strengths & your weaknesses. Limitations aren't viewed as shortcomings for someone with high emotional intelligence, so he/she strives to gain knowledge & insight into these and to see them as opportunities for self-growth and reaching outside his/her comfort zone to become a better person. I know that both I and the man I'm dating have done a lot of personal growth work over the years, which is a huge help for increasing self-awareness.
2) Practice acknowledging & managing your emotions. Rather than being reactive, try to be proactive about monitoring what you feel and keeping negative emotions in check. You can do this by listening to and recognizing others' feelings, even when you disagree with them. Step back to process whatever comes up in an appropriate way. This doesn't mean denying you have anger, fear, shame or other negative feelings; it just means learning how and when to express them in a nonvolatile, nonjudgmental manner.
3) Demonstrate an authentic & genuine interest in other people. Make it a point to learn about what's important to the other person, so you can understand and care about what he/she cares about. True caring, of course, facilitates authentic feelings of friendship, trust, and respect that make it easier to talk things through...and which can, in time, lead to romance and long-term commitment.
Curious about your own EQ? Take this short quiz:
- Can you clearly express your feelings with the 3-word sentence "I feel..."?
- Can you differentiate various feelings?
- Can you identify why you feel the way you do?
- Do you respect and accept yourself the way you are?
- Do others know you have a good sense of yourself?
- Are you living up to your potential?
- Do you feel satisfied with your accomplishments?
- Are you able to let go of regrets and grudges?
- Do you feel in control and consistent in the way you act?
- Are you emotionally independent from others?
Friday, May 8, 2015
Are You Being REAL in the Dating World?
I'm reading a book now called The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real (Hidden wisdom from a children's classic) and it's based on the story of the toy Velveteen Rabbit who became real, with human emotions, when he gave love to and received love from a little boy. This book discusses the difference between superficial outer beauty and the inner beauty we all possess as unique human beings.
The Velveteen Principles guides us to rise above society's "Object culture" (based on what we own and accomplish) and to focus instead on the inner qualities that make us unique, happy, and lovable (our character, kindness, honesty, integrity, and empathy), which deepen our connections with others and make more joy and love possible in our lives.
This has gotten me thinking about what happens when we show up as our "Real" selves in dating and relationships...and, concurrently, when we're able to look beneath the surface of a dating prospect's looks, job, wealth, status, etc. to see their Real true self inside. In other words, what happens when we take the time to look into a person's heart and soul rather than making snap judgments based on what we see on the outside?
In my view, showing our "Real" selves means being authentic, open, present, engaged, and even vulnerable as others get to know us. It means letting our good qualities (generosity, empathy, kindness, and gratitude) as well as our not-so-good qualities (fear, envy, anger, sadness, shame) be seen by others. It requires frankness and transparency in getting-to-know-you conversations about our lives and our inner workings. And, when both people let these qualities be seen, they've laid the foundation for true emotional intimacy.
When we let our own Real qualities show, we're more likely to feel comfortable with and attracted to other people who are "Real". Then, watch the sparks fly, because there's no better feeling than the depth of connection (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical) that is possible when both people are being Real and sharing their thoughts and feelings honestly.
It takes courage to share the deeper parts of ourselves, and it takes acceptance without judgment to listen when others share these parts with us. But the result when we each do that is amazing. We become kindred spirits, fellow travelers on the journey to a richer sense of self and a deeper type of happiness.
The Velveteen Principles says that going along with the "objectification" of our object-obsessed culture destroys empathy for ourselves and what is Real in others. When we stop trying to conform/be like everyone else but instead let go of the fear of being different and just be ourselves, we become "Real" instead of generic. We have more fulfilling relationships, less fear of failure, and a chance of breaking through to new heart-opening relationship experiences.
How willing are you to be "Real" when you meet new people? Do you fear that others, if they saw inside you, wouldn't want to be with you? The truth is that we all have flaws, so seeing those in others can endear you to them by bonding you through your common humanity. When we hide them, however, we're relating on only a superficial level and thus reducing the chance we'll experience the deep partner bond we crave.
What do you say? Isn't it about time we all agreed to try to "get Real"? Just imagine how our relationships and our world will benefit!!
The Velveteen Principles guides us to rise above society's "Object culture" (based on what we own and accomplish) and to focus instead on the inner qualities that make us unique, happy, and lovable (our character, kindness, honesty, integrity, and empathy), which deepen our connections with others and make more joy and love possible in our lives.
This has gotten me thinking about what happens when we show up as our "Real" selves in dating and relationships...and, concurrently, when we're able to look beneath the surface of a dating prospect's looks, job, wealth, status, etc. to see their Real true self inside. In other words, what happens when we take the time to look into a person's heart and soul rather than making snap judgments based on what we see on the outside?
In my view, showing our "Real" selves means being authentic, open, present, engaged, and even vulnerable as others get to know us. It means letting our good qualities (generosity, empathy, kindness, and gratitude) as well as our not-so-good qualities (fear, envy, anger, sadness, shame) be seen by others. It requires frankness and transparency in getting-to-know-you conversations about our lives and our inner workings. And, when both people let these qualities be seen, they've laid the foundation for true emotional intimacy.
When we let our own Real qualities show, we're more likely to feel comfortable with and attracted to other people who are "Real". Then, watch the sparks fly, because there's no better feeling than the depth of connection (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical) that is possible when both people are being Real and sharing their thoughts and feelings honestly.
It takes courage to share the deeper parts of ourselves, and it takes acceptance without judgment to listen when others share these parts with us. But the result when we each do that is amazing. We become kindred spirits, fellow travelers on the journey to a richer sense of self and a deeper type of happiness.
The Velveteen Principles says that going along with the "objectification" of our object-obsessed culture destroys empathy for ourselves and what is Real in others. When we stop trying to conform/be like everyone else but instead let go of the fear of being different and just be ourselves, we become "Real" instead of generic. We have more fulfilling relationships, less fear of failure, and a chance of breaking through to new heart-opening relationship experiences.
How willing are you to be "Real" when you meet new people? Do you fear that others, if they saw inside you, wouldn't want to be with you? The truth is that we all have flaws, so seeing those in others can endear you to them by bonding you through your common humanity. When we hide them, however, we're relating on only a superficial level and thus reducing the chance we'll experience the deep partner bond we crave.
What do you say? Isn't it about time we all agreed to try to "get Real"? Just imagine how our relationships and our world will benefit!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
How do I know if I can trust a person I just met?
This is the question I received recently at a dating seminar I was presenting. And it's a very good question. The woman who asked it was referring specifically to online dating prospects...since she'd heard and been frightened by stories about people who lie about themselves online.
Whether you meet a new person through the Internet or in person, the same general rule of thumb about assessing someone's trustworthiness applies: listen to your gut instincts. If something feels suspicious or someone is evasive, be cautious. If your intuition tells you someone is hiding information, ask more questions and gather more facts before believing what he says. Your intuition will never steer you wrong.
In addition: make note of his or her body language. There are several micro-expressions and body movements that tell you someone is being evasive or dishonest. More info is here: http://www.reading-body-language.co.uk/body-language-lying.html.
As we all know, trust in any kind of relationship--personal or professional--takes time to build. People earn your trust little by little by proving true to their word...by doing what they say they're going to do...by being open and honest and willing to talk about anything that comes up during the getting-to-know-you process.
The woman who asked the question about trusting new men was hesitant because she'd been betrayed by a man in the past. She now found it difficult to imagine opening her heart enough to give others the benefit of the doubt--to see them as "innocent until proven guilty." This, of course, can be a huge obstacle in the dating world. When people feel you don't trust them, it is hard to form a connection that might lead to a friendship, romance, and/or love.
Here are some ways to tell if someone is trustworthy early in the dating process:
1. He or she shows up to your first meeting or date on time.
2. He or she calls on the promised day and time.
3. He or she prefers to communicate with you face to face rather than through email, texting, or phone calls. (Body language, of course, is a huge help in reading a person's intentions and sincerity, so anyone afraid of being caught in a lie would rather not spend much time in person with you.)
4. He or she will offer to do things for you and will follow through, so you'll learn that you can count on him or her being reliable.
5. He or she will keep any promises made. Small actions matter toward helping to build a strong foundation of trust.
6. He or she will keep private things you've shared completely confidential.
7. When you share personal information and your history, he or she will be comfortable offering to share similar information.
8. He or she will offer a sincere, from-the-heart apology if he or she disappoints you or makes a mistake. He or she will take full responsibility for his or her action and reassure you that he or she understands how those actions impacted you.
9. Your friends or relatives who've met your new date will give you positive feedback about him or her. Often, the first blush of a new relationship blinds us to negative things that other objective observers can clearly see. Pay attention to their reactions!
10. He or she will be open to new experiences that you suggest. This builds a bond between you, and trust will follow.
Armed with this information, it will be easier for you to venture forth into the dating world feeling more comfortable AND sending out more open, positive vibrations that draw nice people to you. Being overly cautious can definitely be a turnoff, but being reckless or gullible is unwise.
I'd love to hear your opinions and/or stories about trust. Drop me a note!
Whether you meet a new person through the Internet or in person, the same general rule of thumb about assessing someone's trustworthiness applies: listen to your gut instincts. If something feels suspicious or someone is evasive, be cautious. If your intuition tells you someone is hiding information, ask more questions and gather more facts before believing what he says. Your intuition will never steer you wrong.
In addition: make note of his or her body language. There are several micro-expressions and body movements that tell you someone is being evasive or dishonest. More info is here: http://www.reading-body-language.co.uk/body-language-lying.html.
As we all know, trust in any kind of relationship--personal or professional--takes time to build. People earn your trust little by little by proving true to their word...by doing what they say they're going to do...by being open and honest and willing to talk about anything that comes up during the getting-to-know-you process.
The woman who asked the question about trusting new men was hesitant because she'd been betrayed by a man in the past. She now found it difficult to imagine opening her heart enough to give others the benefit of the doubt--to see them as "innocent until proven guilty." This, of course, can be a huge obstacle in the dating world. When people feel you don't trust them, it is hard to form a connection that might lead to a friendship, romance, and/or love.
Here are some ways to tell if someone is trustworthy early in the dating process:
1. He or she shows up to your first meeting or date on time.
2. He or she calls on the promised day and time.
3. He or she prefers to communicate with you face to face rather than through email, texting, or phone calls. (Body language, of course, is a huge help in reading a person's intentions and sincerity, so anyone afraid of being caught in a lie would rather not spend much time in person with you.)
4. He or she will offer to do things for you and will follow through, so you'll learn that you can count on him or her being reliable.
5. He or she will keep any promises made. Small actions matter toward helping to build a strong foundation of trust.
6. He or she will keep private things you've shared completely confidential.
7. When you share personal information and your history, he or she will be comfortable offering to share similar information.
8. He or she will offer a sincere, from-the-heart apology if he or she disappoints you or makes a mistake. He or she will take full responsibility for his or her action and reassure you that he or she understands how those actions impacted you.
9. Your friends or relatives who've met your new date will give you positive feedback about him or her. Often, the first blush of a new relationship blinds us to negative things that other objective observers can clearly see. Pay attention to their reactions!
10. He or she will be open to new experiences that you suggest. This builds a bond between you, and trust will follow.
Armed with this information, it will be easier for you to venture forth into the dating world feeling more comfortable AND sending out more open, positive vibrations that draw nice people to you. Being overly cautious can definitely be a turnoff, but being reckless or gullible is unwise.
I'd love to hear your opinions and/or stories about trust. Drop me a note!
Monday, April 27, 2015
"Healing Partnerships" as Stepping-stones to Healthy Relationships
Ever found yourself in a relationship where one or both of you still needed to heal something from the past? Where you were drawn to someone with a wound similar to yours? I've certainly been there and done that.
At first, you feel strongly attracted emotionally and physically and think this person could potentially be your long-term partner. You are on the same wavelength in SO many ways. Friendship, trust, admiration, empathy, and caring develop and grow. Everything seems to flow so nicely. You fall in love.
Then, one day, you have your first major conflict or disagreement. You see a completely different side of the other person when he or she triggers one of your "hot buttons" from the past--touching a nerve related to something you thought you had healed but now realize you haven't. It could be your abandonment wound, your fear of being smothered by a partner, your unresolved anger about a past partner's disloyalty, your mistrust or resentment about the opposite sex because of a childhood incident with a parent...or any number of other issues.
During the conversation to resolve the conflict by getting to the core reason for it, your "stuff" is revealed, your unhealed wound reopened. Each of you talks about how to deal with this woundedness. You try to be compassionate about the other person's wound, but you struggle to stretch far enough in his/her direction to foster understanding and peace. Finally, though, after talking it out, you feel better.
Until it happens again. And then, a few weeks later, again. Where you once felt so similar, you now feel so different. And disconnected.
It could be that you've attracted into your life a healing partnership--a relationship in which the two people come together primarily for the reason of helping each other heal. Except they don't know that's the reason.
If, instead, they could see the big picture and the "opportunity" for growth that God/the Universe is giving them, they would understand that "this is all happening for a reason"--and that reason is so they can evolve into a healthier partner for another person down the road.
Sadly, their healing partnership will be temporary. It will last only as long as it takes them to grow sufficiently beyond it. It will run its course, and the two people will part ways after the lessons they were brought together to learn are learned and each of them has experienced substantial healing.
From my experience in two healing partnerships during my late 40s, I now know that the heart and psyche will attract such partners into our lives, and we will try desperately to hold onto them because we feel safe and understood. Inevitably, though, one or both people will begin to feel uncomfortable and start pulling away at some point--usually within 6 months after the initial connection.
Breaking up with a healing partner isn't easy, but it's necessary. Only by closing that door and moving forward, armed with the lessons learned, will you be able to attract a healthier partner and then get the chance to implement what you learned as you build a happier, healthier relationship with someone new--someone who has also integrated lessons from the past to become a healthier partner.
The wonderful thing is that the healing and growing you've done prepares you for showing up in your next relationship as your new improved self--an emotionally healthy individual now ready to attract a similarly healthy partner and then to forge the strongest, healthiest bond imaginable!
I can attest that being in such a relationship is AMAZING! You feel more alive, happy, and connected than ever before...and you're on your way to the deepest, most fulfilling relationship of your life. Enjoy the journey!!
At first, you feel strongly attracted emotionally and physically and think this person could potentially be your long-term partner. You are on the same wavelength in SO many ways. Friendship, trust, admiration, empathy, and caring develop and grow. Everything seems to flow so nicely. You fall in love.
Then, one day, you have your first major conflict or disagreement. You see a completely different side of the other person when he or she triggers one of your "hot buttons" from the past--touching a nerve related to something you thought you had healed but now realize you haven't. It could be your abandonment wound, your fear of being smothered by a partner, your unresolved anger about a past partner's disloyalty, your mistrust or resentment about the opposite sex because of a childhood incident with a parent...or any number of other issues.
During the conversation to resolve the conflict by getting to the core reason for it, your "stuff" is revealed, your unhealed wound reopened. Each of you talks about how to deal with this woundedness. You try to be compassionate about the other person's wound, but you struggle to stretch far enough in his/her direction to foster understanding and peace. Finally, though, after talking it out, you feel better.
Until it happens again. And then, a few weeks later, again. Where you once felt so similar, you now feel so different. And disconnected.
It could be that you've attracted into your life a healing partnership--a relationship in which the two people come together primarily for the reason of helping each other heal. Except they don't know that's the reason.
If, instead, they could see the big picture and the "opportunity" for growth that God/the Universe is giving them, they would understand that "this is all happening for a reason"--and that reason is so they can evolve into a healthier partner for another person down the road.
Sadly, their healing partnership will be temporary. It will last only as long as it takes them to grow sufficiently beyond it. It will run its course, and the two people will part ways after the lessons they were brought together to learn are learned and each of them has experienced substantial healing.
From my experience in two healing partnerships during my late 40s, I now know that the heart and psyche will attract such partners into our lives, and we will try desperately to hold onto them because we feel safe and understood. Inevitably, though, one or both people will begin to feel uncomfortable and start pulling away at some point--usually within 6 months after the initial connection.
Breaking up with a healing partner isn't easy, but it's necessary. Only by closing that door and moving forward, armed with the lessons learned, will you be able to attract a healthier partner and then get the chance to implement what you learned as you build a happier, healthier relationship with someone new--someone who has also integrated lessons from the past to become a healthier partner.
The wonderful thing is that the healing and growing you've done prepares you for showing up in your next relationship as your new improved self--an emotionally healthy individual now ready to attract a similarly healthy partner and then to forge the strongest, healthiest bond imaginable!
I can attest that being in such a relationship is AMAZING! You feel more alive, happy, and connected than ever before...and you're on your way to the deepest, most fulfilling relationship of your life. Enjoy the journey!!
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