Have you heard of Gary Chapman's 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate? It's based on research showing that discovering which of 5 behaviors make your partner feel most loved and doing that for him/her is the key to relationship success. Sounds simple.
Unfortunately, many of us fail to ask those we're dating (or our spouses or partners) about their "love language" and then assume, often incorrectly, that theirs is the same as ours. So, instead of doing what makes them feel loved, we're doing what makes US feel loved. This, of course, has mixed results unless their love language is identical to ours.
For example, your partner might feel most loved when you give gifts and say endearing things, but you don't know those are the things he values. Instead, you give him what you'd like to get from him--acts of service and affectionate touch. As a result, there's a disconnect and lack of closeness (maybe even feelings of abandonment or resentment), and neither of you can explain why.
This book really opened my eyes as to why some of my past dating relationships hadn't worked out...AND helped me more carefully choose compatible people to date, including the wonderful man I'm with today. The success formula is simple--ask the other person which of these makes him/her feel most loved and then provide that on a regular basis:
1. Quality time together
2. Affectionate touch
3. Terms of endearment
4. Acts of service
5. Gifts
Luckily, my current partner's top 2 love languages are exactly the same as mine. We both highly value carving out special time for each other as well as showing affection through touching on a regular basis. And we each show these behaviors to the other, so we both feel equally loved.
It's amazing how easily things flow for us because of our shared loved languages...and how much closer I feel to him than I've felt with other men I've had long-term relationships with, including my 2 husbands. Knowing that he prioritizes and appreciates togetherness and affectionate touch as much as I do makes me feel understood, seen, and heard, which naturally fosters emotional and physical intimacy. It feels like he really "gets" me.
So...what are your top 2 love languages? Take a minute to write those down.
Next, consider how this list could help you in the dating world. Once you know which behaviors make you feel most cared about, you can share that information with people you date and then watch to see if they do those things for you. If so, they truly care about you. And, of course, once you find out what makes the other person feel loved, you can make a point of providing those things to show you really care too.
Ultimately, as you continue to date and grow closer, by making a point of loving your partner in the "language" he or she prefers (and then getting what you want and need in return), you'll create a deep bond that sustains and nurtures your relationship for years to come. Enjoy the journey!
P.S. There's an updated version of Chapman's book that came out this year: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Check it out on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk#reader_080241270X.)
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
A Lasting Loving Relationship Has to Include Friendship
When you think back on your romantic relationships, can you honestly say the two of you were friends as well as lovers? Would you have chosen that person as a friend even if you weren't attracted to him/her as a sexual partner...just because you so enjoyed his/her company and got along so well that it was a joy hanging out together?
Research shows that it's not a lack of love that makes relationships unhappy--it's a lack of friendship. The two people don't have the strong foundation of friendship necessary to create a happy partnership that lasts.
Haven't you experienced a breakup with at least one person you still loved? Yet, could you say you still had a friendship with that person? To answer that, let's look at the definition of friendship.
Webster's says it is being in a state in which you show "kindly interest, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort" toward another person. A friend is someone to whom you are "attached by affection and esteem"--an amicable, peaceful connection free of antagonism. Does that describe how you felt about the last person you broke up with? If not, you weren't "still friends" -- or perhaps you never really were friends at all.
The cliches about friends being "birds of a feather" who are there for each other "through thick and thin" captures some of the meaning of friendship: a friend is someone with whom you feel a kinship and comfort level, someone you care about enough to support during challenging times.
In my opinion, a true friend is someone who is sincerely interested in your happiness and success and supportive of your dreams--someone who sees, admires, and brings out the best in you but also sees and acknowledges your weaknesses...but then sticks with you in spite of or even because of those things.
Often in a marriage or committed partnership, however, friendly feelings are overshadowed or even lost in the midst of the souring romance because both people are focusing instead on their incompatibilities and the needs and desires that aren't being met.
The truth is: if you really felt friendship for the other person, you'd be concerned about his/her needs and desires too. You'd want to show him/her the kindness, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort mentioned above because you felt affectionate and amicable toward him/her. Couples who do have such friendly feelings can navigate breakups and divorce with much more ease and lots less drama--agreeing to disagree and then mutually deciding to part ways peacefully, without anger.
Singles who come to me for dating advice and support (especially the women) often tell me they're looking to be "friends first" with any new partner. This is generally a wise strategy, since a foundation of trust, admiration, affection, and friendship is good to have before you get physically and romantically entwined. However, it's difficult to remain platonic for very long with someone you're attracted to...and many can't wait the 2-3 months it takes to build that foundation before they jump into bed.
I can personally vouch for the wisdom of waiting, though. It's so much more fulfilling to "make love" with a man who's connected to me as both a friend and a lover than it is to "have sex" with someone I'm not very connected to and who doesn't love and cherish me. Plus...the friendship we established in those early months only gets stronger as we become more intimate both emotionally and physically.
Friendship is the bond that will keep you connected for years and decades to come, even when you aren't as sexually agile as before. They say it's best to marry a person you can really talk to because that's the glue that will hold you together into old age. I agree. After all, there's never a lack of conversation when you're with a real friend, right?
If you need moral support as you seek out and/or develop a romantic relationship anchored by friendship, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!
Research shows that it's not a lack of love that makes relationships unhappy--it's a lack of friendship. The two people don't have the strong foundation of friendship necessary to create a happy partnership that lasts.
Haven't you experienced a breakup with at least one person you still loved? Yet, could you say you still had a friendship with that person? To answer that, let's look at the definition of friendship.
Webster's says it is being in a state in which you show "kindly interest, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort" toward another person. A friend is someone to whom you are "attached by affection and esteem"--an amicable, peaceful connection free of antagonism. Does that describe how you felt about the last person you broke up with? If not, you weren't "still friends" -- or perhaps you never really were friends at all.
The cliches about friends being "birds of a feather" who are there for each other "through thick and thin" captures some of the meaning of friendship: a friend is someone with whom you feel a kinship and comfort level, someone you care about enough to support during challenging times.
In my opinion, a true friend is someone who is sincerely interested in your happiness and success and supportive of your dreams--someone who sees, admires, and brings out the best in you but also sees and acknowledges your weaknesses...but then sticks with you in spite of or even because of those things.
Often in a marriage or committed partnership, however, friendly feelings are overshadowed or even lost in the midst of the souring romance because both people are focusing instead on their incompatibilities and the needs and desires that aren't being met.
The truth is: if you really felt friendship for the other person, you'd be concerned about his/her needs and desires too. You'd want to show him/her the kindness, goodwill, cheerfulness, and comfort mentioned above because you felt affectionate and amicable toward him/her. Couples who do have such friendly feelings can navigate breakups and divorce with much more ease and lots less drama--agreeing to disagree and then mutually deciding to part ways peacefully, without anger.
Singles who come to me for dating advice and support (especially the women) often tell me they're looking to be "friends first" with any new partner. This is generally a wise strategy, since a foundation of trust, admiration, affection, and friendship is good to have before you get physically and romantically entwined. However, it's difficult to remain platonic for very long with someone you're attracted to...and many can't wait the 2-3 months it takes to build that foundation before they jump into bed.
I can personally vouch for the wisdom of waiting, though. It's so much more fulfilling to "make love" with a man who's connected to me as both a friend and a lover than it is to "have sex" with someone I'm not very connected to and who doesn't love and cherish me. Plus...the friendship we established in those early months only gets stronger as we become more intimate both emotionally and physically.
Friendship is the bond that will keep you connected for years and decades to come, even when you aren't as sexually agile as before. They say it's best to marry a person you can really talk to because that's the glue that will hold you together into old age. I agree. After all, there's never a lack of conversation when you're with a real friend, right?
If you need moral support as you seek out and/or develop a romantic relationship anchored by friendship, get in touch. I'd be happy to help!
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Is There Room in Your Life for a Partner?
Ladies, is your life too busy for dating? Consider this...
I read an article the other day by a 55-year-old widower saying the big difference between dating now and when he was in his 20s was that there's now more competition than ever. Not from other men...but from all the other people and activities in the lives of the divorced and widowed women he was meeting.
I've often heard this from my male clients as well: women over 50 have so much going on with work, kids, grandkids, friends, committees, classes, hobbies, aging parents, etc. that a man wonders how he'll fit into the mix. How important will he be in her life? Will she be able to carve out quality time for him as they're dating, building a relationship...and possibly being together long term?
This is a legitimate concern. A man wants your family and friends to accept him so that he can be included in the outings and activities you share with them. If you don't invite him to be part of the many aspects of your life, a man won't get his need for companionship met or be able to envision a long-term partnership with you. And he won't feel he can be of service and enhance your life in some way, which are core male needs in a relationship.
So, when you're writing an online dating profile or chatting for the first time with a new man you met, it's best not to ramble on about how busy you are with a million and one things. Sure, men are attracted to active, interesting women. But they also want to know you have time for them.
The second thing you need to do is make it clear you value private, one-on-one time with a partner. Again, your online dating profile and first conversation with a guy out in the singles world should emphasize the fact you make alone time with a partner a priority. This means you're willing to put "date nights" with him on your calendar...and to make sure your schedule is flexible enough to accommodate a spontaneous casual get-together, time with his friends and family, or even a weekend getaway.
Lastly, you need to show a man you're able to be "present" with him and you care about him, your relationship, and what's important to him. I've heard several men I know lament the fact that the women in their past relationships were disengaged, overly independent, or preoccupied with things outside their relationship. As a result, the men felt disconnected and less emotionally invested in the partnership.
If you want a prospective date to warm up to you at first and feel deeply connected to you later, you need to be in the moment with him. You need to listen and show you care. You need to make time to see each other often--to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. And you need to tell him what you like/admire about him and how he can help you with day-to-day things, so he feels like your "knight in shining armor."
If doing all this means you have to simplify your life and even clear some things off your schedule to make time to search for and then date the right man for you, do it! Is there anything more important than having a loving partner to share your life?
I didn't think so. :-)
I read an article the other day by a 55-year-old widower saying the big difference between dating now and when he was in his 20s was that there's now more competition than ever. Not from other men...but from all the other people and activities in the lives of the divorced and widowed women he was meeting.
I've often heard this from my male clients as well: women over 50 have so much going on with work, kids, grandkids, friends, committees, classes, hobbies, aging parents, etc. that a man wonders how he'll fit into the mix. How important will he be in her life? Will she be able to carve out quality time for him as they're dating, building a relationship...and possibly being together long term?
This is a legitimate concern. A man wants your family and friends to accept him so that he can be included in the outings and activities you share with them. If you don't invite him to be part of the many aspects of your life, a man won't get his need for companionship met or be able to envision a long-term partnership with you. And he won't feel he can be of service and enhance your life in some way, which are core male needs in a relationship.
So, when you're writing an online dating profile or chatting for the first time with a new man you met, it's best not to ramble on about how busy you are with a million and one things. Sure, men are attracted to active, interesting women. But they also want to know you have time for them.
The second thing you need to do is make it clear you value private, one-on-one time with a partner. Again, your online dating profile and first conversation with a guy out in the singles world should emphasize the fact you make alone time with a partner a priority. This means you're willing to put "date nights" with him on your calendar...and to make sure your schedule is flexible enough to accommodate a spontaneous casual get-together, time with his friends and family, or even a weekend getaway.
Lastly, you need to show a man you're able to be "present" with him and you care about him, your relationship, and what's important to him. I've heard several men I know lament the fact that the women in their past relationships were disengaged, overly independent, or preoccupied with things outside their relationship. As a result, the men felt disconnected and less emotionally invested in the partnership.
If you want a prospective date to warm up to you at first and feel deeply connected to you later, you need to be in the moment with him. You need to listen and show you care. You need to make time to see each other often--to facilitate the getting-to-know-you process. And you need to tell him what you like/admire about him and how he can help you with day-to-day things, so he feels like your "knight in shining armor."
If doing all this means you have to simplify your life and even clear some things off your schedule to make time to search for and then date the right man for you, do it! Is there anything more important than having a loving partner to share your life?
I didn't think so. :-)
Monday, August 24, 2015
Your True Love Won't Just Appear at Your Door
Thinking it'd be nice if you didn't have to actually "date" in order to find love? Unfortunately, you'll have to think again.
Many of my clients complain about the effort and time it takes to search for dating prospects--both online and in person. And I have to gently remind them that a partner isn't likely to show up on their doorstep. They'll have to carve out the time and muster up the energy to do what it takes to cross paths with that person.
They'll have to make a commitment to the process and keep at it until they succeed. There are no shortcuts.
When I tell them it took me 8 years of dating after my first divorce to find my second husband and nearly 3 years after my second divorce to find the amazing man I'm with now, they often sigh deeply. It sounds like something they don't have the patience for. It sounds like too much work.
But isn't something you desire worth putting some time and effort into? Of course, it is. And so is dating. It's a necessary part of the journey to your compatible partner...and, like every other important dream in your life, it involves making a plan and taking action.
In the end, though, when you're with the love of your life, it's totally worth it.
Making a plan for your love means:
- getting clear on the character, values, temperament, interests etc. of a compatible partner
- getting your "ducks in a row" so your life has physical and emotional room in it for him/her
- getting over your past and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence if necessary
Taking action to meet your love means:
- joining singles organizations, online dating sites, and hobby groups to meet new folks
- promising yourself you'll be open to available people who are fairly close matches
- letting down your guard and being honest in the getting-to-know-you process
- staying open to the "experience" of dating--the fun parts and the not-so-fun parts
I would never have met the great guy I'm seeing now if I hadn't had a plan. That meant taking the time to heal from a breakup last summer, to rebuild my self-confidence, and to clarify what a better match for me would be as I prepared to write an online dating profile that could attract that man.
And, of course, I never would have met him if I hadn't taken action--to create that profile, post it, and then reach out by writing him that first email.
What are you waiting for? You know what you need to do to find your true love. Are you ready to make your plan and act on it? I'm here to help if you need some extra courage or strategy ideas!
Many of my clients complain about the effort and time it takes to search for dating prospects--both online and in person. And I have to gently remind them that a partner isn't likely to show up on their doorstep. They'll have to carve out the time and muster up the energy to do what it takes to cross paths with that person.
They'll have to make a commitment to the process and keep at it until they succeed. There are no shortcuts.
When I tell them it took me 8 years of dating after my first divorce to find my second husband and nearly 3 years after my second divorce to find the amazing man I'm with now, they often sigh deeply. It sounds like something they don't have the patience for. It sounds like too much work.
But isn't something you desire worth putting some time and effort into? Of course, it is. And so is dating. It's a necessary part of the journey to your compatible partner...and, like every other important dream in your life, it involves making a plan and taking action.
In the end, though, when you're with the love of your life, it's totally worth it.
Making a plan for your love means:
- getting clear on the character, values, temperament, interests etc. of a compatible partner
- getting your "ducks in a row" so your life has physical and emotional room in it for him/her
- getting over your past and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence if necessary
Taking action to meet your love means:
- joining singles organizations, online dating sites, and hobby groups to meet new folks
- promising yourself you'll be open to available people who are fairly close matches
- letting down your guard and being honest in the getting-to-know-you process
- staying open to the "experience" of dating--the fun parts and the not-so-fun parts
I would never have met the great guy I'm seeing now if I hadn't had a plan. That meant taking the time to heal from a breakup last summer, to rebuild my self-confidence, and to clarify what a better match for me would be as I prepared to write an online dating profile that could attract that man.
And, of course, I never would have met him if I hadn't taken action--to create that profile, post it, and then reach out by writing him that first email.
What are you waiting for? You know what you need to do to find your true love. Are you ready to make your plan and act on it? I'm here to help if you need some extra courage or strategy ideas!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Being in Love Changes You for the Better
Remember that "Wow, the world sure is a beautiful place!" feeling you have when you first fall in love? You're giddy, excited, and filled with child-like joy. Everything around you looks brighter. You feel positive, content, and hopeful. And the one you love is "amazing," "wonderful," and incredibly special. I know I'm experiencing all of these feelings right now as I'm about to celebrate the 6th month of a relationship that's been the easiest, most romantic, and most compatible of my life.
The coolest part is: I catch myself every so often seeing myself through my partner's eyes, and that causes me to love myself even more than I did before. Love begets love. It's a beautiful, magical thing!
Recently, on her TV program "Super Soul Sunday," Oprah interviewed a Franciscan priest named Richard Rohr, and he offered some fascinating insights about love. Father Rohr first distinguished between the "False Self" (your ego, including such things as your body, personality, racial/ethnic heritage, socioeconomic status, job title, life roles, etc.) and the "True Self" (your soul & spirit--the essence and core of your Divine being). He then said that, when you fall in love, you kill the "False Self" so you can become more of your "True Self."
In other words, you're willing to change yourself for your partner by letting go of who you thought you were before you loved him. I know that, since saying "I love you" to my partner, I have definitely left behind the old image I had of myself. And I've actually felt like a different, kinder, more empathetic person in life in general.
When you open up your heart to your partner, you're able to become more your "True Self" -- the loving, compassionate, giving part of you. You reveal your true beauty within. I can attest to this too: the more I give and receive love, the more I want to give.
Sharing love with your partner wakes up your spirit. It reveals the most beautiful parts of you (and not just in those early months when you're "on your best behavior"). According to Father Rohr, as you and your partner grow and evolve together in co-creating a deeper, more emotionally intimate, and more spiritual partnership, you blossom into the best possible you (what other spiritual teachers often call "Your Highest Self").
Father Rohr says a spiritual partnership is one between equals who come together for the purpose of facilitating each other's personal/spiritual growth. As he puts it, "Love has to grow and expand as the two people grow or it won't last." This, sadly, is one of the common reasons couples break up--think about all those you know who divorced because they "grew apart" instead of together.
On the other hand, though, think about how great it feels to be in a mature, healthy relationship that supports each person's goals/growth/ aspirations and brings out the best in both of you! That "best" is your True Self--who you are deep in your heart and soul--not at all about the trappings of your external life. And the "soulful" connection you feel with a loving, compatible partner is fulfilling beyond words!
If you want that type of connection, BELIEVE it can happen for you. Be patient and trusting. BE the loving person you want to attract. Be open and proactive when searching for your love. And then get ready to experience how love can truly change YOU for the better!!
The coolest part is: I catch myself every so often seeing myself through my partner's eyes, and that causes me to love myself even more than I did before. Love begets love. It's a beautiful, magical thing!
Recently, on her TV program "Super Soul Sunday," Oprah interviewed a Franciscan priest named Richard Rohr, and he offered some fascinating insights about love. Father Rohr first distinguished between the "False Self" (your ego, including such things as your body, personality, racial/ethnic heritage, socioeconomic status, job title, life roles, etc.) and the "True Self" (your soul & spirit--the essence and core of your Divine being). He then said that, when you fall in love, you kill the "False Self" so you can become more of your "True Self."
In other words, you're willing to change yourself for your partner by letting go of who you thought you were before you loved him. I know that, since saying "I love you" to my partner, I have definitely left behind the old image I had of myself. And I've actually felt like a different, kinder, more empathetic person in life in general.
When you open up your heart to your partner, you're able to become more your "True Self" -- the loving, compassionate, giving part of you. You reveal your true beauty within. I can attest to this too: the more I give and receive love, the more I want to give.
Sharing love with your partner wakes up your spirit. It reveals the most beautiful parts of you (and not just in those early months when you're "on your best behavior"). According to Father Rohr, as you and your partner grow and evolve together in co-creating a deeper, more emotionally intimate, and more spiritual partnership, you blossom into the best possible you (what other spiritual teachers often call "Your Highest Self").
Father Rohr says a spiritual partnership is one between equals who come together for the purpose of facilitating each other's personal/spiritual growth. As he puts it, "Love has to grow and expand as the two people grow or it won't last." This, sadly, is one of the common reasons couples break up--think about all those you know who divorced because they "grew apart" instead of together.
On the other hand, though, think about how great it feels to be in a mature, healthy relationship that supports each person's goals/growth/ aspirations and brings out the best in both of you! That "best" is your True Self--who you are deep in your heart and soul--not at all about the trappings of your external life. And the "soulful" connection you feel with a loving, compatible partner is fulfilling beyond words!
If you want that type of connection, BELIEVE it can happen for you. Be patient and trusting. BE the loving person you want to attract. Be open and proactive when searching for your love. And then get ready to experience how love can truly change YOU for the better!!
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Dating "Consciously" Attracts Healthier Partners
Are you intentional and focused when you're out there searching for dates? In other words, do you know exactly what type of person you want to meet... and are you putting attention and effort into finding that person?
Being "conscious" about dating is important if you want to waste less time with the wrong ones and have more success in finding the right one.
David Steele, Founder of the Relationship Institute and author of Conscious Dating: Finding the love of your life and the life that you love, describes "10 Principles of Conscious Dating" that are definitely worth implementing in your dating life. Fortunately for me, I've found a man interested in following these principles with me as we now build a "Conscious Relationship"--which makes me very happy!
Here are the principles you should follow when seeking a life partner for yourself. I did all 10 of these things and believe that's what made it easier for me to attract a super-compatible guy:
1) Know who you are and what you want. Make sure you have a detailed "partner vision." And don't over-compromise or settle for less than you know is right for you.
2) Learn how to get what you want. Assess the dating information, tools, and skills you'll need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans for your partner search.
3) Be the "Chooser." Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't just wait around and then react to who chooses you. Reach out to those YOU feel are your best matches.
4) Balance your head with your heart. Don't operate solely from inside a "romantic bubble." Be realistic. Listen for red flags with new people so you can make your relationship choices consciously and rationally.
5) Be ready and available for commitment. Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6) Use the "Law of Attraction." Be the partner you are seeking. Develop yourself and live the life you want in order to attract the best person for you. The more alike you and your partner are, the easier your dating life will flow.
7) Gain relationship knowledge and skills. Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read books and article about relationship success strategies. Get dating and/or relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8) Create a support community. Make sure to surround yourself with positive people who support your dating goals. Those who are isolated as singles can become lonely in their relationships because they expect a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9) Practice assertiveness. To get what you really want, you need to say "No" to what you don't want. Set boundaries, have clear parameters, and stick to them.
10) Be a "successful single." Don't put your life on hold while waiting for a relationship. Live your life vision and purpose while you're single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy single person living the life you really want. Then, a partner will just be the "cherry on top" of your wonderful life--the one special person to share that life with you!
To date consciously, you need to remind yourself of these principles every day. How many of them are you already following? Make note of the ones you're still working on and focus your attention on improving in those areas. If you need some moral support or someone to hold you accountable for doing that, let me know. I'm here to help.
Being "conscious" about dating is important if you want to waste less time with the wrong ones and have more success in finding the right one.
David Steele, Founder of the Relationship Institute and author of Conscious Dating: Finding the love of your life and the life that you love, describes "10 Principles of Conscious Dating" that are definitely worth implementing in your dating life. Fortunately for me, I've found a man interested in following these principles with me as we now build a "Conscious Relationship"--which makes me very happy!
Here are the principles you should follow when seeking a life partner for yourself. I did all 10 of these things and believe that's what made it easier for me to attract a super-compatible guy:
1) Know who you are and what you want. Make sure you have a detailed "partner vision." And don't over-compromise or settle for less than you know is right for you.
2) Learn how to get what you want. Assess the dating information, tools, and skills you'll need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans for your partner search.
3) Be the "Chooser." Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't just wait around and then react to who chooses you. Reach out to those YOU feel are your best matches.
4) Balance your head with your heart. Don't operate solely from inside a "romantic bubble." Be realistic. Listen for red flags with new people so you can make your relationship choices consciously and rationally.
5) Be ready and available for commitment. Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6) Use the "Law of Attraction." Be the partner you are seeking. Develop yourself and live the life you want in order to attract the best person for you. The more alike you and your partner are, the easier your dating life will flow.
7) Gain relationship knowledge and skills. Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read books and article about relationship success strategies. Get dating and/or relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8) Create a support community. Make sure to surround yourself with positive people who support your dating goals. Those who are isolated as singles can become lonely in their relationships because they expect a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9) Practice assertiveness. To get what you really want, you need to say "No" to what you don't want. Set boundaries, have clear parameters, and stick to them.
10) Be a "successful single." Don't put your life on hold while waiting for a relationship. Live your life vision and purpose while you're single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy single person living the life you really want. Then, a partner will just be the "cherry on top" of your wonderful life--the one special person to share that life with you!
To date consciously, you need to remind yourself of these principles every day. How many of them are you already following? Make note of the ones you're still working on and focus your attention on improving in those areas. If you need some moral support or someone to hold you accountable for doing that, let me know. I'm here to help.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
5 Fascinating Facts About Online Dating
As Match.com celebrates its 20th anniversary, online dating has been in the news recently. One piece I found particularly interesting discusses 5 interesting findings from a 2014 Pew Research Center study and report on "How American Couples Use Technology."
A lot sure has changed since 1995, when only 14% of American adults used the Internet and online dating options were few. Now, about 90% of Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance.
Here is what the Pew study found:
1) Most Americans say online dating is a good way to meet people.
It has lost its stigma, and almost half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or met a spouse or long-term partner that way.
2) About 20% of adults 25-34 have used online dating, but it's also popular with older singles. In fact, 17% of adults 35-44, 8% of those 45-54, 6% of those 55-64, and 3% of adults 65+ have used online dating sites or apps. (Speaking of apps, Tinder--the app that lets you swipe to say yes or no to prospects by showing the faces of singles in your neighborhood, creates 2 billion swipes and 12 million matches a day.)
3) 66% of people who've used online dating have gone on a date with someone they met on these sites.
That figure is up from 43% in 2005.
4) 20% of online daters have asked someone else to help with their profile.
Many, especially women, enlist their friends to help. In fact, 30% of women vs. 16% of men have sought assistance writing or reviewing their profile.
5) 5% of Americans who are married or in a committed relationship say they met their significant other online.
Of those who've been with their partner for 5 years or less, 88% say they met offline--with meeting through friends as the most likely way couples connect.
Other research, as noted in Aziz Ansari's new book Modern Romance, shows that:
- 38% of "single and looking" Americans of all ages have used online dating
- women get 4 times as many emails on dating sites as men do
What I conclude after reading all these statistics is:
1) Women should feel free to initiate contact on Internet dating sites, since men don't get much email and would welcome the attention from someone who is truly interested.
2) Online dating is definitely worth trying. Most folks know someone who met a partner that way, and 2/3 wind up getting a date via the dating sites.
3) It is still smart to do BOTH online dating and socializing with friends, groups, and activities, since such a large percentage of couples meet offline. I met about half the men I dated over the years online and the other half offline, so I know both methods work.
How about you? Are you part of the 1/3 of online daters still waiting to get that first coffee date set up? If so, I'd love to help by offering you a coaching session. Or, you can read my online dating how-to book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50," available on this website. Happy Dating!!
A lot sure has changed since 1995, when only 14% of American adults used the Internet and online dating options were few. Now, about 90% of Americans are online, and dating on the Web has grown in both popularity and acceptance.
Here is what the Pew study found:
1) Most Americans say online dating is a good way to meet people.
It has lost its stigma, and almost half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or met a spouse or long-term partner that way.
2) About 20% of adults 25-34 have used online dating, but it's also popular with older singles. In fact, 17% of adults 35-44, 8% of those 45-54, 6% of those 55-64, and 3% of adults 65+ have used online dating sites or apps. (Speaking of apps, Tinder--the app that lets you swipe to say yes or no to prospects by showing the faces of singles in your neighborhood, creates 2 billion swipes and 12 million matches a day.)
3) 66% of people who've used online dating have gone on a date with someone they met on these sites.
That figure is up from 43% in 2005.
4) 20% of online daters have asked someone else to help with their profile.
Many, especially women, enlist their friends to help. In fact, 30% of women vs. 16% of men have sought assistance writing or reviewing their profile.
5) 5% of Americans who are married or in a committed relationship say they met their significant other online.
Of those who've been with their partner for 5 years or less, 88% say they met offline--with meeting through friends as the most likely way couples connect.
Other research, as noted in Aziz Ansari's new book Modern Romance, shows that:
- 38% of "single and looking" Americans of all ages have used online dating
- women get 4 times as many emails on dating sites as men do
What I conclude after reading all these statistics is:
1) Women should feel free to initiate contact on Internet dating sites, since men don't get much email and would welcome the attention from someone who is truly interested.
2) Online dating is definitely worth trying. Most folks know someone who met a partner that way, and 2/3 wind up getting a date via the dating sites.
3) It is still smart to do BOTH online dating and socializing with friends, groups, and activities, since such a large percentage of couples meet offline. I met about half the men I dated over the years online and the other half offline, so I know both methods work.
How about you? Are you part of the 1/3 of online daters still waiting to get that first coffee date set up? If so, I'd love to help by offering you a coaching session. Or, you can read my online dating how-to book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50," available on this website. Happy Dating!!
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