POSITIVE "VIBES" ARE CRUCIAL FOR DATING SUCCESS

What kinds of "vibes" are you putting out into the world when you think about dating? Positive or negative? Optimistic or pessimistic? Enthusiasm or dread?

I'm sure you can guess which ones are most likely to attract dating partners into your life.

But how often do you check in with yourself to assess your attitude and frame of mind about being in the dating world? How many times do you remember venturing out there with a downbeat persona because you weren't feeling very optimistic about your chances of success and the types of people you'd meet?

If your answer is "fairly often," you are your own worst enemy in your dating effort. 

But I'm here to remind you that you can change that attitude...and ultimately have more good experiences than you've had up until now.

The secret? Shift your mind-set from dread to excitement by looking at the big picture: dating is an ADVENTURE that will teach you a lot about yourself, the opposite sex, and dating overall. And adventures can be fun, right? Right!

Think of a baby learning to walk. She takes a step or two and falls down. She gets up and takes another step or three and almost falls but manages to catch herself. She keeps trying over and over again. She doesn't focus on the falls. She keeps looking ahead of her.

She's just excited to be on her 2 feet walking on her own toward her dad's outstretched arms. Somehow, she seems to know that falling is part of the learning process in her grand adventure of exploring the world, and she doesn't judge herself for slipping up along the way.

You can be like that too when you shift your thoughts away from the mishaps or disappointments and onto the opportunities you're getting to meet all kinds of new people...the interesting places you're going on various "meet-and-greets" and first dates...the fun groups and activities you're discovering in the world of singles. You see my point: You need to focus on the good stuff to stay positive and happy during the process because...

HAPPY PEOPLE ATTRACT OTHER HAPPY PEOPLE AND EXPERIENCES.

If you're not happy about what you're doing in your dating search, stop. Assess your attitude, change it if you need to, and start again on a new foot with a more-positive, forward-thinking outlook. 

Nobody wants to be with someone who's despondent or negative about dating. Where's the fun in that? And, if I know anything, it's that dating is supposed to be fun--a way to enjoy yourself in the company of other singles to discover which ones you click with best.

If you're having trouble maintaining a positive attitude about dating, contact me so I can support you! (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com)

What's Your Dating INTENTION for 2020?

It's a new year--a time when many of us resolve to do better or be better than last year. Maybe for you, that applies to your dating life for 2020. If so, read on...

"A GOAL IS A DREAM WITH A DEADLINE." This is a quote I use often to motivate my coaching clients who have dreams they haven't taken action on yet. 

It notes the importance of having a timetable if you want to realize a dream. You can't just daydream about it...you need to first name the steps necessary to achieve it and then put them on your calendar. 

In other words, you need to be INTENTIONAL about reaching your goal.

Setting an intention is step 1 in achieving success of any kind. What do you intend to create in your life this year? And what is your desire for your dating life?

Sure, you could set an intention to meet the love of your life, but that doesn't just happen. It's the result of a series of actions you take to steer yourself in the right direction. For example, here are a few important ones:

1. Get my life in order (related to my career, home, family, finances, etc.) so I have the time, energy, and resources for socializing, attending singles events, and/or using online dating websites or other means of meeting people.

2. Create my "Partner Vision List" so I'm clear on the type of person I'm most compatible with.

3. Boost my confidence for presenting myself in the singles world.

4. Commit to spending a few hours a week focusing on the dating search process.

5. Find ways to make new single friends with whom I can attend events, so I feel supported in this endeavor and more motivated to follow through on a regular basis.

6. Research singles activities or hobby meetup groups in my area that I can join in my effort to cross paths with like-minded people who are available for dating.

7. Choose a dating website or two to join so I can contact people who look like a good match and set up some meet-and-greets.

These are steps I recommend to all my clients as they're entering or re-entering the dating world, and they are things I can help you with if you're not sure you can do them on your own.

Every intention needs a game plan/strategy in order to make it a reality. Once you have this, it'll be easier to focus on and eventually bring your dream to fruition.

OK...what's YOUR dating intention for the new year? Do you feel focused and organized and motivated enough to start right now? 

If not, reach out to me. I'd be happy to: 
1. Help you create your dating search strategy
2. Hold you accountable for it each step of the way
3. Watch you turn your intention into a happy new life with a wonderful partner!

What are you waiting for? Start your new year off right! Let's talk and get you going! (gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)

Best Online Dating Sites for Seniors

Are you over 50 and looking for a romantic partner? Online dating is the way to go! 

According to The Statistic Brain Research Institute, around 49 million people have tried online dating! In fact, its research shows that 20% of serious relationships today start online, and 17% of couples who got married over the last year met online!

I'm one of those statistics--having connected with my soon-to-be 2nd husband online at age 50, my next serious partner online at age 58, and my current life partner online at age 61. 

Ask me how this excellent tool worked for me (or read about it in my book "How I Met My Second Husband Online at Age 50" -- available from me as an e-book). It tells you all about my experiences and gives you tips that can lead to your own dating success!

If you haven't tried online dating yet, maybe it's because you don't know which sites to consider. According to Mashable, a global multiplatform company that's the go-to source for tech, digital culture, and entertainment content, there are several dating websites that are especially good for older singles: 

eHarmony - $54.95/month for a 3-month subscription
Match - $23.99/month for a 3-month subscription
Elite Singles - $62.95/month for a 3-month subscription
Silver Singles - $57.95/month for a 3-month subscription
Zoosk - $19.98/month for a 3-month subscription
Senior Friend Finder - $11.95/month for a 3-month subscription
Senior Match - $19.95/month for a 3-month subscription

This article gives you all the details about each one's offerings and advantages:

https://mashable.com/roundup/best-dating-sites-for-seniors/

If you've already chosen a site but have other obstacles blocking your success on that site, let's talk. Maybe you need help writing a profile, aren't sure what to say in the first email, or have concerns about the safety of the process.

Whatever is holding you back, I'm sure I can help you sort it out so you can move forward and starting connecting with people and and then set up some dates! Drop me a line at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or call me at 267-245-3023.

Why Are Older Women So Afraid of Dating?

In the 14 years I've been coaching women over 50 about dating, I've encountered dozens (if not hundreds) who initially tell me they're interested in being coached but then don't follow through to actually schedule a session to get started in the dating world. 

I've had some theories about why:
- They thought they were ready but realized they weren't.
- They weren't as interested in finding a partner as they thought they were.
- They were actually too busy to carve out the time even for an initial coaching session, much less the dating search process.
- They realized that having a coaching session might mean they'd actually have to take action on something they weren't really committed to or sure about yet.

But these are really just rationalizations. In my opinion, the main reason these women don't get back in touch with me is FEAR. An unexpected fear or fears come up when it's time to walk their talk and move forward to start dating.

I've done some research on the reasons older women fear entering the dating world after divorce or widowhood and discovered these 20 reasons (many of which are real to them but ultimately unfounded):

1. I have no idea what to expect.
2. It'll be awkward to try to date again at my age.
3. I'll probably have to compromise what I want in a partner just to get a date.
4. I'll have to sacrifice my privacy if I put myself online because everyone (including my coworkers and family) will know what I'm doing.
5. People will think I'm desperate if I use online dating.
6. I'm too insecure/shy to communicate with strangers online.
7. I'm old-fashioned and not comfortable being the initiator with men online.
8. My self-esteem and body image aren't healthy enough for me to believe a man will want to date me at my age.
9. There are no good men left--all the best ones are taken.
10. My schedule is too busy, with no extra time for searching for dates and/or dating.
11. I'm afraid I'll be rejected.
12. I'm afraid many older men want a caregiver rather than a partner.
13. I've heard there are a lot of scammers, liars, and gold-diggers online.
14. I don't have a desire for marriage but fear that most men do.
15. I'm afraid my identity will be fraudulently stolen.
16. I'm pretty sure most men my age prefer much younger, thinner women.
17. I fear getting sexual again after so long.
18. I'm not sure I'm healthy enough or mobile enough to be dating.
19. I'm afraid I'll lose my personal or financial independence if I get involved with a man.
20. Dating will be too much work and too time consuming. 

If you wish you had a romantic partner but have been hesitant to start the dating process, ask yourself why. Do any of the above reasons sound like you? Or is there something else holding you back?

I'm planning to write a book on this topic and would love to include your input (or that of any 50+ women you know who've been hesitating about dating). Please drop me a line at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or call me at 267-245-3023 to share your reasons with me (confidentially, of course; no real names will be used in the book.) Thanks! I look forward to hearing from you. 

Why Don't Older Singles Want to Get Married Again?

I've been talking recently with over-60 friends and divorced/widowed clients as well as my partner of 5 years about the pros and cons of getting married again. So I did some research on the topic. According to a Pew Research Center report, only 15% of divorced or widowed women and 29% of men say they want to remarry. Those are pretty low numbers. Why the hesitation? There are many reasons.

"Single older boomers are starting to view remarriage less favorably," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, as well as an author and sexologist. “When they get divorced or widowed or have been single later in life, the motivation to pair up and shake up their life is muted,” she says. “And often, the conditions of past marriage were painful enough and difficult enough that they are loath to re-enter that fray.” 

Women, in particular, are finding that they love their newfound independence too, according to Schwartz. Which is why many of them opt to live with a partner rather than get married. In fact, the number of adults over 50 who were living together without marrying more than doubled between 2000 and 2010, from 1.2 million to 2.75 million, according to the Journal of Marriage and Family. It's not that these couples fear commitment. Instead, financial planners say they're afraid marriage will mean increased health care costs, reduced retirement benefits, higher taxes, and disrupted estate plans. This could be true, but you need to talk to your financial consultant to find out if these fears apply to your situation. This article "The Pros and Cons of Getting Married Later in Life" could help you sort it out: 

https://www.kiplinger.com/article/retirement/T065-C000-S002-pros-and-cons-of-getting-married-later-in-life.html

In the meantime, though, I recommend that you also consider the emotional aspects of having a partner in your life--whether you marry or live together. I was happy when my partner asked me to live with him because, of course, I love being with him but also because I like having a partner--sharing expenses, having each other's backs, traveling together, and, most importantly, enjoying companionship (someone to come home to each day, eat meals with, travel with, and cuddle and make love with). 

Companionship is key. Many people who divorce or lose their spouse in their 50s are alone for the very first time in their lives, and that loneliness can be overwhelming. It can even make newly single people desperate enough to remarry too soon. My advice: slow down and think it through. Research shows that couples who create happy second marriages have taken the time to do the necessary grieving and healing work after their marriage ended.  It's smart not to rush it. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process.

It also pays to think carefully before moving in together. Maybe your newfound independence is more important to you than you thought it would be, so living apart but remaining a couple would work better for the two of you. Or maybe you'd be incompatible sharing a space because of differing financial, housekeeping, or lifestyle factors--yet you love each other and want to continue your relationship. 

It's all worth thinking about in detail and talking honestly with your partner about.

Older singles have all kinds of options. Which one sounds right for you? It's a good idea to decide before entering the dating world because future dating partners will ask you about this. Some will even eliminate you as a possibility because they envision/prefer a different kind of future relationship arrangement than you do.

If you need support as you brainstorm about it, give me a call (267-245-3023). I've had experience helping many older singles figure out their priorities--and the dating strategies that align with them. 

WHAT DOES AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE REALLY TELL YOU?

I recently read an excerpt about online dating in a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which said online dating "offers a great opportunity to practice identifying emotional maturity as you read and consider what people are revealing about themselves in their profiles and emails."

I totally agree. It definitely pays to read others' profiles carefully to determine what the words they've chosen to describe themselves tell you about the person inside.

The book goes on to say "Although some people are better writers than others, all personal writing reveals something about how people think, what they value, and what they're most focused on, not to mention their sense of humor and sensitivity to other people's feelings."

I agree again. What a potential date decides is worth mentioning in a profile gives you clues about his or her priorities in life as well as about attitudes and personality traits. 

For example, I believe you can usually discern whether a person is an introvert or an extrovert, based on what he or she feels comfortable telling others (ie, strangers and the Internet universe) about him- or herself. If the person is very private and/or introverted, expect the profile to be fairly short without much detail. On the other hand, an extrovert like me will find it hard to stop sharing the details.

The amount of detail in the profile also reveals how confident the person is. Those who reveal more are likely pretty comfortable in their own skin, with a good sense of self and decent self-esteem and thus no fear of bragging a bit and putting information "out there". 

But what about those "just the facts, Ma'am" profiles that list a few of the person's interests but not much more? I know many of my clients complain that people don't write enough in their profiles to give others a sense of them. Of course, those are the profiles that generate the least interest and the fewest emails asking for connection.

I recommend sharing enough to pique people's interest so they want to email you to flesh out the details you've shared...and start a conversation so they can learn more about you. Based on what's mentioned above, I'd say it's smart to consider writing about activities or experiences that reflect
- what you value
- how you think
- what you're most focused on (how you spend your time)
- what you're most passionate about
- what makes you laugh 

These things will give people reading your profile a glimpse into who you are and what makes you tick...and whether you're the type of person they'd enjoy spending time with. Which is all a profile is meant to do--spark an interest in taking things further (with a phone call, meet-and-greet get-together, and then hopefully a first date).

If you have no idea what you want to write in your profile, give me a call. I specialize in helping singles write profiles that get others interested in reaching out to you. (267-245-3023 or gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com).

No One Ever Said Dating Would Be Easy

If you're like a lot of people in the dating world, sometimes you get tired of looking. It can sometimes feel like too much effort...for too few results. I know. I've been there.

You spend hours every week writing emails on dating sites, going to singles and hobby activities, and keeping your eyes opened everywhere you go for people who might be your type. It takes time, effort, and energy--and every so often, you feel like giving up. Like you need a break. 

I get that too. We all need to slow down to recharge our batteries when we've been working hard at something for a long time.

Yes, the dating search takes some legwork and time commitment. And, yes, it can be draining, frustrating, and even demoralizing. But I firmly believe that anything worth having, such as a romantic partner to go through life with, is worth spending some time and effort...which is why I never gave up searching.

And that's how I found the love of my life.

I stayed focused on my goal, put in the time and effort necessary to reach for it, and took breaks as needed to regroup after disappointments and failures. And you can do the same thing--if you set your intention, promise yourself to stick with it, carve out the time to pursue it, and reach out for moral support and new strategies when you hit a wall.

Maybe you've done all 3 of those 4 things except reaching out for moral support. Maybe you thought you could do it on your own--even after all the weeks, months, or years that your efforts didn't pay off. 

Maybe today is the day you should take that extra step by calling an expert for some advice and ideas to make dating easier.

People hire coaches when they're training for athletic events or trying to move to the next level in their career. But, for some reason, they hesitate to ask for help when it comes to their personal lives.

Isn't your love life just as important--or even more important--than a sport or career? If you think it is, you might want to consider working with a dating coach to:

* guide you to new places or websites to meet singles

* help you stay motivated and energized when you feel tired or hopeless

* boost your self-confidence for dating

* write your online dating profile for you if you're not sure what to say

* gain a new perspective so dating doesn't feel like work anymore

Are you ready? If so, I'm here to help with all the tips and techniques that woked for me in the dating world...and that led me to my true love. 

Contact me at gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023