You MUST Let Go of Yesterday Before Dating Today

Recently, a prospective client called me about divorce support coaching...but told me she couldn't stop thinking about her ex-husband of 32 years, even though he'd been abusive for most of their marriage. I recommended she get grief counseling to cope with that loss. I knew she wouldn't be ready for me to help her plan her new single life unless she'd completely let go of her old married life.

The same is true when you're thinking about dating again after divorce or widowhood: it's best to heal your past before you start planning your future. You must do your best to have a "clean slate" emotionally and psychologically so you can potentially open your heart to someone new. It's common sense and it's essential.

You need to get through the various stages of grieving any loss if you want to be ready to make a fresh start. A grief counselor is trained to help you do that.

As a dating coach, I help people prepare for and implement the dating process. In order to be successful searching for and building a relationship with a new partner, I encourage daters to do everything possible to be in a positive, healthy place in all aspects of their lives before we begin working together. Sometimes, that might mean getting support from a grief counselor. 

In addition to someone who still has an emotional attachment to an ex-partner, here are a few other examples of people who aren't yet ready for dating coaching:

o Someone who is still angry or desperately sad about his or her last relationship

o Someone who has negative feelings about the dating world in general or the opposite sex in particular, such as "Dating is too hard and takes too much time" or "There are no good men left" or "I never meet anyone who's looking for a serious relationship" or "All the women out there are mentally unstable" (Yes, I've heard this from male clients)

o Someone who has a poor self-image and doesn't believe he/she is attractive and/or worthy of love

o Someone who is struggling with a mental health challenge such as bipolar disorder, anxiety, or depression; such syndromes need to be well managed before anyone enters the dating realm

If you or someone you know wants to start dating again, I can help determine whether he/she is ready to move forward with that. Or...if you or they need a referral to a grief counselor as a first step, let me know. I'm happy to assist.

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

ONLINE DATING APP DESIGNED BY WOMEN

Women clients ask me all the time if I can recommend any online dating sites they may not have heard of--something new to try to increase their chances of meeting different men. Here is one I find interesting:

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL (www.coffeemeetsbagel.com) 

This is the description of Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB) from its website:

"Grabbing coffee is the low-pressure date idea that lets you skip trying to choose a dressy-but-not-too-dressy outfit for a concert or a restaurant. Coffee Meets Bagel is aiming to bring that easygoing atmosphere to the world of dating apps. 

Millions and millions of active users is usually a plus. It is nice to know that your options are virtually limitless, but things go from flattering to chaotic real fast when people hit you up 30 seconds after matching. This happens on eHarmony and Tinder alike—people want that connection, and they want it NOW. CMB's slow and steady approach is great for singles who are rusty, a bit more introverted, or who simply don't feel like scrolling every time they have a free minute."

Here's how it works:

Once a day, CMB offers 7 of its best matches (bagels) for you, chosen by your answers to prompts, who you said yes or no to in yesterday's batch, and who has also expressed interest in you. It sets a deadline by which you have to either "like" or "pass". If there is a mutual "like," you're instantly connected to that match via a text message (without the other person seeing your real phone number). Then, the app sends you to a private chat room with icebreaker questions to get things started. 

CMB even lets you choose to be shown only "friends of friends" by connecting the service to your Facebook account, or you can choose to keep it anonymous and private.

CMB claims that not being bombarded with available matches 24/7 gives you more time to contemplate whether you genuinely want to get to know various guys or whether you're just messaging them because you're bored. CMB's design arranges profiles to put less emphasis on selfies and a witty one-liner and more on personality and bios.

This definitely sounds refreshingly different from other dating sites out there. It lets you take your time in reviewing and responding to matches--which is appropriate right now during the pandemic when you can't rush into an in-person meeting anyway.

Another thing that makes CMB different is that it was founded by women, unlike most of the other dating sites. The 3 sisters who created it believe women want authenticity, privacy, a more controlled environment, and a quick path to a safe, easy offline meeting. I can attest to that--from what my female clients tell me (especially those over 50).

The cost is $34.99/month if you opt for 1 month only; $24.99/month if you join for 3 months; or $19.99/month if you choose a 6-month membership--very reasonable prices compared to other sites.

So ladies, what do you think? Are you ready to try a new approach in the world of cyber dating? This could be a good choice. Let me know if you need help writing a profile for Coffee Meets Bagels. I'm happy to assist! And I'd love to hear from anyone who's tried the app. Thanks! 

(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com; 267-245-3023)

In-Person Meetings for Online Daters During COVID?

During the pandemic, lots of folks have moved their socializing outside to maintain the 6 feet of distance medical experts recommend. But can this apply to that first get-together for singles in the online dating world?

A coach colleague of mine who is using Internet dating right now thinks it can.

She says she's been meeting in person with the different men she's contacted on the dating sites after email exchanges, phone conversations, and video chats. How? By arranging social distance walks, outdoor picnics, and bike rides--all the while keeping a safe distance away. 

Meeting in person, of course, is the only way to figure out whether you're attracted to someone. So it's a critical step in the online dating process.

If you aren't high risk for COVID-19 yourself and aren't caring for or living with an elderly person or anyone else who is, you might feel comfortable doing this. My colleague lives alone and works from home, so she doesn't come into contact with a lot of people in general. 

I know plenty of of folks (myself included) who currently do feel OK about venturing out for activities in the outdoors such as meeting a friend for a walk or eating at an outdoor restaurant (wearing masks and staying a safe distance apart), so this might be something to consider. 

I could see the value in it for online daters who have established a rapport with someone electronically and then want to meet to verify that there's mutual attraction and an easy flow of conversation "in the real world" (2 of the primary factors for determining whether you two will go any further in getting to know each other). 

I know I always feel a little more relaxed when I'm outside, and conversation while walking is sometimes easier because you aren't face-to-face with a stranger as you would be in coffee shop or bar (typical for first meetings with online prospects). As my coach colleague says, "There's less pressure to make something happen. Things can unfold in a more natural rhythm."

Anthropologist and researcher Helen Fisher, PhD, concurs. She says the pandemic has forced daters to slow things down, so they're taking more time to get to know people via email/phone/video chat and not moving too quickly to become intimate.

What's your opinion? Would you try an outdoor meeting with a new dating prospect? Why or why not? I'd love it if you would drop me a line and let me know what you think!   gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com

A Good Time to Assess Your Dating History

As the pandemic drags on and dating searches are on a hiatus (at least the in-person meeting part of them), you may find yourself with time on your hands. 

Some good uses of that time, as I've written before, are to: 
- do the necessary personal growth and healing work to become healthier emotionally and psychologically and thus more able to attract a healthy partner

- do more careful searches of online dating sites and then take more time writing persuasive emails and having longer phone or video chats to get to know new people as you prepare to meet later (when it's safe to do so)

Both of these can be valuable pursuits. But another good use of your time would be to get out a pad and pen and chronicle your "dating history". This is a list and assessment of the various romantic relationships you've had over the years to understand why they did or didn't last and to remind yourself of what each breakup taught you. 

Have you ever done this? It can be very enlightening and is especially helpful as you try to avoid repeating past mistakes. It also helps you see your strengths and weaknesses as a dater, so you can make improvements in your dating search strategies and the way you relate with the new people you meet.

Here's how to begin: Make 5 columns on a piece of paper, labelled Partner Name, Duration of Relationship, Who Initiated Breakup, Reason for Breakup, What I Learned. 

Here's an example from my own dating life (my first serious relationship at age 19):
John A.--1.5 years--John--He wanted to date other people too but I didn't--I felt rejected and hurt by his request because he was my first lover, and, after assessing things, I ultimately realized I had incorrectly assumed he felt as committed to me as I felt to him. I learned that it's not smart to make assumptions: ask the person instead.

How does your list look? 
- Relationship duration: Were several of your relationships 3 months or less? If so, does this indicate anything about a fear of commitment on either person's part? Or were many of them years long but led nowhere? What does that tell you?
- Breakup initiation: Did you initiate more of the breakups? If so, why do you think that is? 
- Reasons for breakup: Were the reasons for breaking up similar? If so, was there a pattern that raises a red flag about a weakness in choosing appropriate partners? Or a certain behavior that repeatedly thwarts your chances of success?
- What you learned: Were the lessons you learned utilized in future relationships? If not, why do you think you attract people who ultimately wind up giving you the opportunity to learn the same lesson about yourself, the opposite sex, or relationships in general that you thought you'd already learned?

A relationship history can reveal important things that may really help you on your future dating world journey. Examples include:
- You have a pattern of unconsciously choosing partners similar to your controlling father and wind up leaving because you feel unheard and disrespected
- You haven't been in a serious relationship more than 6 months because fears come up the longer you're with someone
- You are so clingy in relationships that the other person feels pressured and eventually leaves

Be really honest with yourself when doing this assessment. That's the only way to uncover important truths about your past and present relationship patterns--so you can then address those things and be a better dater in the future. 

I'd love to hear what you've discovered. Drop me a line to share, if you feel comfortable. Then, if needed, let me support you in making changes and/or putting your lessons to work for you--so you have more success with dating after the dating world opens up again. 
gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

A Partner Should Be Your "Cherry on Top"

If you're single, I want you to think back to when you had a partner. Did you take for granted the fact that you were in a loving relationship? Or did you cherish it and feel grateful for it every day? Hopefully, the latter.

Remember how great it felt to share life's ups and downs, happy and sad times, and everything in between with someone who cared about and supported you? That's what all my single, divorced, and widowed clients are looking for--the type of partnership and sharing that makes life richer and more fulfilling.

But there's one thing I caution them about as they search for and nurture such a partnership: don't make your partner the center of your universe. Instead, I encourage singles to think of that person as "the cherry on top" of their already-wonderful life--one that was fun and fulfilling before their partner came along and that could be that way again if for some reason the partnership ended.

My point? You are the common denominator in any relationship you have. If YOU are content and living a life that's interesting, joyful, and filled with people and experiences you love, anyone else you welcome into your world will be a "cherry on top" of that wonderful life.

I learned from personal experience the danger of letting too much of my own happiness depend on the man in my life. I was a "people pleaser" who tried to conform to what my partner wanted, rather than considering what I wanted. The result? I wound up resenting my partner when he didn't seem interested in my needs and desires.

This, of course, wasn't fair to him because he didn't know what I needed and desired--because I didn't tell him. In fact, I didn't really know myself. I was so focused on pleasing him and trying to do and be what he wanted, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed for a "juicy" and sweet life.

Today, I'm older and wiser. I know what activities, people, and pursuits make each day glorious...and I intentionally integrate those things into my life. Some involve my partner; others don't. If he wasn't in my life, I would still be creating joyful moments and "following my bliss" by pursuing my passions. And life would be good.

How about you? What lights up your life? Here are a few examples from mine, most of which I can enjoy even when I don't have a partner (and none of which involve the work I do for a living, though I love that too): 

o swimming, cycling or walking every day

o watching the birds from my porch swing

o walking/hiking/boating with (or without) friends

o playing board games

o doing yoga

o sharing new culinary experiences with my son or daughter

o reading fiction and nonfiction books

o watching old and new movies

o savoring a new flavor of herbal tea

o facilitating a book discussion group

o doing motivational talks at retirement communities

o listening to all types of music

o dancing (alone or with others)

o baking cookies, cakes, and quick breads

o indulging in a new TV series on Netflix

o doing crossword puzzles

o tending my flower and vegetable gardens

o volunteering for my church

o writing educational articles and blogs

o taking online classes and listening to podcasts to learn new things

Whatever makes you feel alive and happy is important--whether you're single or part of a couple. If you need support as you incorporate more of those things into your life, let me know. If you're single, doing that could make you a natural attractor for the "cherry on top" person you've been seeking!

gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023

How Gratitude Helps You in the Dating World

"Gratitude not only helps us feel more confident, but it's scientifically proven to help us win new relationships." 

That is according to a matchmaker with Tawkify, a human-powered matchmaking website launched in 2012. "When you're more grateful for the life you already have, you're more likely to see dating as a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task that isn't going anywhere for you."

I've written many times before about the importance of confidence in the dating world. In fact, another coach I follow says it's 70% of the dating success formula. I'm sure we'd all agree that a confident person is more attractive than a timid, insecure person--and lots more fun to be with. But the idea that gratitude facilitates confidence puts an interesting new spin on it!

It makes perfect sense that people who are grateful for what they already have in their lives would be more confident in pursuing other things too--like dating partners. The fact that such folks see dating as "a fun way to meet new people and not a challenging task" is the key point. They're focusing on the positive--which is a great approach when striving toward any life goal.

Rather than worrying about what they don't have, they savor what they DO have--and feel far more content. They exude what I like to call "happy vibes," which naturally attract others to them. Sounds simple...but, if you've had more dating disappointments than successes, you may find it hard to stay in a happy, positive place. I get it. I clearly remember having many bouts of sadness in the years I was dating.

Doesn't it make sense then to use gratitude as a tool to get you back to feeling positive? Research shows that even writing a short list of things you're grateful for 5 minutes every day can have a beneficial impact on your mood and attitude. Do you do that regularly? If not, I highly recommend it. I make a list of 10 things I'm grateful for every day, and it makes me feel calm and content, no matter what's going on in my life.

Ready to feel more positive about the dating world? Then count your blessings! If you need moral support to do that more often, let me know. I'd be happy to help!

Email: gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com  Phone: 267-245-3023

How Flexible Are You in the Dating World?

A January 2020 article in the Atlantic Magazine entitled "What It's Like to Date After Middle Age" was filled with fascinating info. But the one statement that jumped out at me was "Finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult as you age. Over the years, people say they become more picky, less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long." 

In my coaching practice, I certainly hear clients say that they think they've become more picky and less willing to compromise on what they want in a partner. And, yes, I can relate to that as a 66-year-old who definitely had very specific parameters when I was in the dating world. I always say it's good to have a clear "partner vision".

But the idea that someone might "harden" into a self that's less willing or able to be flexible enough to "bend themselves to fit with someone else" is sad to hear. 

It implies that older people are less able to find a middle ground, to compromise, and to accept other people as they are. Sure, we all might get a little "set in our ways" as we grow older and more comfortable in our own skin. But I think all the years of living can also help us to improve our ability to adapt and adjust to what life brings us...including dating partners. 

An unwillingness to bend certainly wasn't my experience when I started dating the man I've been with for 5 years (he was 60, I was 61 when we met). In my experience, I've found that, when I'm getting to know someone and begin having feelings for him, I naturally take his wants and needs into account as well as my own. 

My guy certainly did that for me too...and continues to. He has adjusted to and accepted many things about me that are very different from him, and generally it doesn't seem to have been that tough for him to do. Why? Because love motivates us to open our hearts and minds to the person we care about--and to do whatever we can to facilitate his or her happiness. 

What a gift it is to have the love of someone willing to "bend" in my direction for the sake of our relationship! His love and kindness motivate me to try to be more flexible in thinking of his needs and desires too--which helps tremendously as we compromise in the ways necessary to fit together and operate as a team, a partnership.

How about you? Are you finding yourself so hardened that you're not sure you could find someone you'll fit with? Do you need help being more open to different types of people? I'd love to support you in that effort. Get in touch!
(gayle@datingsuccesscoaching.com or 267-245-3023)