Simplify Your Partner "Requirements" & You'll Date More

More than a decade ago, a female friend and I were theorizing about why we weren't meeting our type of men in the dating world and wondered if maybe our lists of  "must-have" traits might be too long. So, instead, we each came up with 2- to 3-word lists to describe our best match. Mine was "funny, happy, sexy"; and hers was "interesting and interested."

Though I still like and use my short list, I like hers a lot too. Here's what it means to me:

 - A man is interesting if he has a fun life, likes to do a variety of things, has some notable talents, has been to some cool places and wants to travel more, can converse intelligently about a variety of topics (such as psychology, history, the arts and/or current events), is curious about the world, is passionate about at least 1 or 2 things, has aspirations and dreams for the future, and enjoys learning new things.

 - I know a man is interested when he asks questions about my kids, my work, and my experiences...when he probes deeper about stories I tell...when he makes good eye contact while I'm speaking...when he remembers stuff I said last time we were together...when he starts doing nice things for me in the first few weeks of dating...when he introduces me to his family in the first couple months and asks to meet my kids too...when he regularly gives me sincere compliments...when he keeps in good touch between dates...and when he asks me for the next date before the current one is over.

Fortunately, the man I'm dating now is both interesting and interested. And that feels really good--especially since, sadly, I've gone out with several men in the past who weren't that interesting and definitely weren't really interested.

Why, then, you might ask, would I continue to date them? For the same 4 reasons a lot of other women would do the same thing:

1) giving him the benefit of the doubt hoping things would improve

2) doubting whether I'd be able to find anyone better

3) lacking the confidence to break it off for fear of hurting his feelings

4) not feeling deserving of getting what I really want

Now I know that none of these are good reasons to continue dating someone who doesn't have just the 2 or 3 traits that are most important to me in a partner. If he's not interesting enough to keep me mentally stimulated and interested enough to pursue me, I'm wasting my time and his by staying rather than moving on.

I now understand that, before I met the man I'm seeing now, I had simplified my "list" enough that it'd be likely a decent number of men would meet the parameters... meaning the chances were good I'd be able to date a lot more and, ultimately, meet a really close match. By zeroing in on a few key requirements, I made sure I didn't "screen out" a lot of good prospects but also that I didn't settle for guys who weren't close enough to what I desire.

How about you? Have you found it hard to narrow down your list to a few core traits? If so, let me know. I'd be happy to help you do that. If not, I'd love to hear what's on your list. Please post a comment to share that with me and your fellow daters. Thanks!

Be Your True Self to Attract Your Best Match

When I was in my early 40s, newly divorced and dating, I made a lot of mistakes. I tried to "earn love" by doing things for the man all the time, disrespected myself by having sex too soon, and didn't speak up about my needs and desires. But the biggest mistake of all was becoming a "chameleon"--trying to be what I thought the man wanted rather than who I really was.

In other words, I was inauthentic and not true to myself. Not surprising then that I lost my identity in a few relationships and/or experienced little emotional intimacy in others. Those men had fallen in love with a facsimile of me, not the real me. I was afraid to show them that self, with all my flaws, quirks, and idiosyncrasies. I didn't think they'd like me if they knew those things about me.

Now--nearly 20 years later--I know better.

Finally, I've grown enough in self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance to present myself warts and all. In the 9 months I've been dating since ending my last relationship, I've gotten a lot more comfortable showing men my many facets--positive and negative, admirable and embarrassing, mainstream and offbeat...sometimes even what others might call "strange."

For example, I've noticed that, often on the first meeting with an online dating prospect, I talk about my many "metaphysical" experiences, before I even know if the guy is open to the possibility of such things. I launch into stories from my life about my encounters with ghosts, energy healers, mediums, psychics, and past life regressionists. I have such a passion for and excitement about the emotional and psychological healing such encounters have brought me...I just can't stop talking about them. Plus, I'm fascinated by the idea of other realms and levels of consciousness beyond what we experience on earth (ie, the spiritual plane).

If the man is intrigued by my stories and seems to want to know more, I feel an instant connection with him--like a kindred spirit. And, of course, if he doesn't run in the other direction and actually asks to see me again, I figure he's willing to accept me the way I am. There could even be a chance for us to develop a relationship.

When I tell those stories, I'm me being authentically me. And it feels good to do that, without editing myself or biting my tongue for fear the other person will judge me as weird. It's also an entree into talking about spirituality, grieving losses, and other deeper topics that help us learn lots more about each other in the getting-to-know-you stage of dating.

Though I haven't consciously decided to tell my stories as a way of feeling someone out early on, I've recently realized this IS sort of a screening tool that I may be unconsciously guided to use. A man who's open to talking about Reiki, communicating with loved ones on "the other side," and how past lives affect this lifetime is "more spiritual than religious" (as the dating sites say) and more my type. Even though I was raised Catholic and then left that church, I'm fine dating a churchgoing man with good values who is also open to learning about other faiths and spiritual traditions/practices--because that's how I am.

How about you? Are you able to be authentically yourself when you first meet a dating prospect? Or do you carefully avoid topics--like religion, politics, or your own quirks--that might reveal things about you that you fear others will judge and/or reject you for? I say let them reject you. They weren't your type anyways. By being completely true to yourself and showing up as the real you, you'll ultimately attract someone who IS your type!

Negativity Is Poison in the Dating World

In my coaching practice, with single friends, and on singles Facebook sites, I've noticed an uptick lately in negative attitudes and comments, especially about online dating. And it's starting to get to me. These folks don't realize that what they're saying about cyberdating is:
1. Counterproductive (i.e., not likely to attract a partner to them) and
2. Not true overall (but rather isolated incidents from their personal experience)

Badmouthing something never improves it. And complaining about experiences online does nothing to attract better dating prospects. Both behaviors just label the person who does them as negative and critical (not someone a positive, kind, respectful, emotionally available man or woman would be interested in dating).

Sure, we all want to vent sometimes to release our frustration. Unfortunately, these jaded, pessimistic, victim-type people don't understand the two main principles of the Law of Attraction:
                                WHAT YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS. 
                                         LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.

So, when they focus on or talk a lot about the bad experiences or less-than-ideal people they've met through the Internet, they're setting the stage to attract more bad experiences and people. And, when they're negative about dating, they attract others who are negative. And, of course, two negatives don't make a positive. 

What shocks me most is how mean some people are. They say nasty things about the opposite sex and seem to have no compassion for others' struggles in life and in the dating world. Classic examples are men labeling women as "head cases" and women labeling men as "cold and unemotional". As we all know, these are gross over-generalizations.

Yes, we've all had "dates from hell" with total mismatches or people lacking social skills. But that's no reason to get down on the entire other gender or on the larger online dating arena.

I have a completely different view, and here's why:

Online dating has worked very well for me: I met my 2nd husband, the man I dated for 2 years in 2012-2013, and the wonderful man I'm seeing now on different dating sites. And, over the years, I met a bunch of other very nice guys on those sites too. Sure, there were a few odd people and disappointing experiences along the way, but that wouldn't cause me to dismiss online dating as a waste of time or to label the majority of online prospects as "losers" (a term I hear a lot from disgruntled online daters). 

On the contrary: I truly believe it's the easiest, most efficient, most effective tool for meeting singles over 50. And I believe that the folks who haven't had any luck with it either aren't using it correctly or are coming to it with attitudes that undermine their chances for success.

I've had relationships with online dates that lasted from a month to 7 years. And I truly believe I'm close to finding the relationship that will last the rest of my life. You can too--IF you stay positive and nonjudgmental--and accept that online dating is just a tool to cross paths with people. And the lion's share of those on the sites are caring, interesting singles looking for and deserving of love--just like you.

Somebody that one negative person calls a "loser" could be a winner in someone else's eyes. It's all about attitude. There's power in positivity!

Stop Seeing "Mr. Wrong" to Meet "Mr. Right"

Another common dating mistake I see ALL the time is this: A woman is dating someone she knows is wrong for her but doesn't understand how that's hindering her from meeting someone better. She'd rather stay with the "devil she knows" than venture out into the dating world of the unknown.

To her, it's logical: she doesn't know if and when she'll ever meet "Mr. Right", so she might as well stay with "Mr. Wrong". She drifts aimlessly and mindlessly along in the relationship (even if she's bored, unhappy, or even mistreated) because she's afraid and/or unmotivated to make the effort to change her life and fulfill her desires. She may not be having any fun with or getting her needs met by this guy, but at least she has someone to do things with on Saturday night.

To me, this is not only illogical but also self-sabotaging and counterproductive. My dating experiences and those of my clients have shown me that you're wasting precious time and energy when you stay stuck with the wrong one instead of seeking the right one. You're also telling the Universe "I'm OK with second best. Don't worry about me." Is that really the message you want to send?

Also, from a practical point of view, if you spend every weekend with a "ho-hum" mismatched partner, you simply won't have the time to seek new prospects by going out to activities or searching online. In fact, this is what many women tell me. Well, duh! Of course, you won't have the time if you don't make the time! They'd rather just moan about and blame the man they're with for their discontent--when, actually, they are the ones to blame.

When I suggest that a client stop seeing his/her current "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" to free up time to cross paths with new people, they often resist. They can't imagine being without someone, so they ignore my suggestion. And, of course, they just continue on--unhappily settling for 2nd best--because they're not willing or don't understand how crucial it is to close one door so a new one can open.

Or maybe they just don't feel worthy or capable of attracting the best. (This too is a common problem in the dating world.)

In any event, none of the above behaviors will help you attract the love of your life. Here's what will: saying goodbye to the person who's not right and then focusing your energy on seeking someone who is.

I have a recent personal example to motivate you: I had 4 dates with someone (let's call him Man #1) in January who then dropped the ball and stopped asking me out. By the time he did ask again 3 weeks later, I'd already been using a different dating site for 2 weeks and had met a great new guy (Man #2)...and had decided I liked him a lot more. I was more attracted to Man #2, and he seemed much more interested in getting to know me than Man #1. We're now happily dating and excited about fun activities we've planned for March and April. I have absolutely no regrets about ending things with Man #1...because otherwise I would never have met the guy who's a much better match for me!

How about you? Are you ready to say no to what you don't want in order to have a clean slate and a clear path to what you DO want? If so, let me know. I'd be happy to moral support and guide you!

Biggest Mistake in Online Dating

Not being ready for in-person dating!

Though I've written plenty of articles about common online dating mistakes, I can now narrow that long list down to the one mistake I notice more often than any other: People put themselves on an online dating site before they're actually ready to date.

They think they're ready, but as soon as someone writes to them or asks them to chat on the phone or meet for coffee, they either hesitate and disappear or take Step 1 but can't move to Step 2. Here are 3 examples:

1) I had a great first meeting (3 hours of nonstop, lively conversation) and then 3 very nice dates with a guy who really seemed to like me. Then, when he asked me for date 4 on a Friday night and I had other plans, he told me Saturday and Sunday, though good for me, weren't possible for him but didn't suggest another time. In fact, when he called about it, we barely talked for 2 minutes before he had to run, saying that, even though "he really enjoyed hanging out with me," his life was super-busy with some "personal issues."

2) I had a nice phone call from another online guy who sounded anxious to meet me and asked me to breakfast the next morning. The conversation was going well until, 3/4 of the way through the meal, he told me he'd broken off a 14-year relationship 6 months earlier but was still missing his ex-girlfriend.

3) I had another good phone conversation with a man who followed up with an email telling me how much he enjoyed chatting and how attractive I was in my photo and then asking me if I could get together for a movie and drinks the following weekend (5 days later). When I said I'd prefer something other than a film so we could talk and get to know each other, he didn't write back. 

Confusing--to say the least. Why did men who seemed so interested at the outset suddenly  back off? Because, I believe, in all 3 cases, they realized, after looking at the reality of actually dating someone, that they weren't ready:

In case #1, he had too much to juggle in his life to make time for dating.
In case #2, he hadn't gotten over his ex-girlfriend before entering the dating world.
In case #3, something about talking to a woman instead of just seeing a film with her made him change his mind. I really don't understand that one at all. 

It just seems evident in all 3 cases that they just weren't ready to pick up the ball and go forward into actual dating.

The moral of the story: Before posting an online profile, make sure you've got your "ducks in a row" and have healed from your past...so you're ready, willing, and able to spend time with people in the real world, not just the cyber-world. Otherwise, not only are you wasting your time writing a profile and send/replying to emails, but you're misleading well-meaning, sincere people who really ARE ready for dating. 

Sound familiar? What do you all think? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

"Meandering" on the Path to Success

On her weekly radio show yesterday, one of my coaching gurus (Cheryl Richardson) was offering encouragement to a woman who's been feeling aimless and unsuccessful in her job hunt. Cheryl said something that really struck me: "This is a period of re-evaluation and inquiry for you. It's OK to meander for a while. Your meandering has a purpose. Just embrace its messiness."

I quickly ran to Webster's to get an exact definition of meander: "to wander casually and aimlessly without an urgent destination; to ramble." And what does rambling mean? It's "a leisurely excursion for pleasure." So Cheryl encourages us to let ourselves wander aimlessly while we're exploring new possibilities and to focus instead on pleasure. Hmmmm...very interesting. 

This is exactly what I've been feeling guilty about doing all this week, as my workload has slowed down and we here on the East coast have been snowed in. Right before hearing Cheryl's validation of the idea of meandering, I'd decided to reframe my slowdown in paying work by calling it a "spiritual retreat"--a time of reflection and reassessment, a "sabbatical" to check in with myself and consider what I truly desire...inner questioning that will help me prepare for deciding my next moves both professionally and personally.

And so I meandered through the last 2 days pondering these dilemmas:
1) Professionally: How to busy myself with administrative, research, and marketing tasks as I wait for some new projects coming next week (while keeping at bay any anxiety about the reduced income)
2) Personally: How to put more pleasure into each day as I endeavor to stay positive, present, and patient while waiting to hear from a man I started seeing 2 weeks ago to let me know when we'll have our 5th date

I should tell you right now--I've never been good at waiting!

But, lo and behold, I'm feeling more at ease and at peace about all of the above than I would've thought possible! The reason: I've given myself permission to "embrace the messiness" of it all. Yes, there will be slow periods, times of uncertainty, chunks of time when I have less to do than usual, and uncomfortable phases when I can't predict what's coming next (which are hard for me because I'm such a "doer" and a planner-- someone who likes to be productive and thus struggles a bit with the idea of unstructured time without a "to-do list.") 

Normally, being "aimless" isn't my M.O. But now, at age 61, after 31 years of being self-employed, I'm thinking it's OK to give myself a taste of semi-retirement. And, as a dating coach for 10 years, I'm learning to take my own advice about relaxing and wandering and exploring more in the dating world. Have no expectations or sense of urgency about a certain man. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Just have fun meeting and learning about men, without attachment to the outcome or worries about whether he's "the one". 

I think we could all benefit from giving ourselves permission to meander. All I know is that it feels liberating...and kind of exciting at the same time. I sense that the Universe will have more pleasant surprises for me when I don't try to plan or control everything along the way! :-)



 

What Is Self-Love Anyway?

To expand my dating coaching abilities, I often research other coaches. This week, I've been listening to male and female coaches give advice to women about how to find the right guy. And a common theme has emerged: In order to attract true love, you need to love yourself first.

Makes sense, right? But, what exactly does that mean? Well, different coaches describe it differently. I've heard self-love defined as:
- Valuing yourself and your needs and desires
- Putting yourself first to create your own happiness
- Cherishing yourself by treating yourself the way you want others to treat you
- Being kind and gentle and nonjudgmental with yourself
- Speaking up and telling others what you like and want without guilt
- Respecting and honoring your own boundaries (not settling for less than you deserve)
- Seeing the Divine within yourself

If someone asked you right now, "Do you love yourself?"...what would you say? If you feel you DO love yourself, how do you know? How do you show it?

We might answer these questions by starting with how we know we're NOT being self-loving--like when we let others disrespect us, when we try to "earn" love by giving too much to others just so they'll like us, when we stay with someone who mistreats us, or when we're afraid to ask for what we want because deep down we don't feel we deserve to get it.

Haven't we all done one or more of these things at some time when dating or in the various relationships in our lives? Not very loving behaviors by anyone's definition. 

So now, let's turn them around. Being self-loving would mean you:
- respect yourself enough to say "no" to people or situations that compromise your integrity
- give only as much as feels reasonable and comfortable for you, not because you fear the other person won't like you unless you give more
- end relationships or spend less time with people who treat you badly
- ask for what you want, coming from a place of abundance and a strong sense of self

I feel most self-loving when I'm making a point of:
- doing things I love just for the joy of it
- listening to my intuition and following my heart (rather than that voice of "should")
- pampering myself with good food, the hot tub at the Y, movies I enjoy, being out in nature, buying and/or arranging flowers for myself, reading books/magazines/websites I'm learning from, spending time with my kids and/or my dearest friends, or just doing nothing guilt free
- acknowledging myself for things I'm proud of
- cutting myself some slack (i.e., not judging myself too harshly) for my mistakes

Self-love is not about boasting because it doesn't matter that others give you accolades. The only thing that matters is that YOU acknowledge yourself and feel good about you. We're all works in progress. Nobody is perfect. And we learn the most when we mess up.

How about you? What's your self-opinion? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your best friend? Is your self-talk kind and gentle or harsh and critical? Do you love you just the way you are--or do you constantly focus on your faults/shortcomings? 

Start being self-loving today: make a list of all the things that are unique and wonderful and lovable about you. The things your friends notice and remark upon. The qualities you take for granted rather than taking credit for. 

The most-precious gift I got this Christmas was a little ceramic pig (a favorite animal that I collect) from a dear friend, filled with tiny pieces of paper listing the things she loved, admired, and respected about me. I know I could've written the very same things about myself if I took the time to give myself an inner hug--something I think we could all benefit from doing!